You can't ask me this.
I feel like I'm breaking, slipping from the last grasps I have left. Nothing seems to be going right. My dad is being so stupid right now, my mom is going on her last threads so she says and says that if my dad doesn't start fixing his ways, and stop lying she's going to leave him. Its not a threat that she hasn't said before but its one that she's never followed through with. So I guess you could say that's why he's not to worried.
as long as I could remember my mom said that they wouldn't split up because of me and my brother. But we're both adults now, so what will happen now? Sure I don't want to see my parents split after 26 years together. But I hate sitting here and watch him hurt, upset, and lie to her any more. Part of me just wants her to do it. Leave. Then maybe she could be happy. The other part doens't want me to see that happen, and it hurts when I hear her bring it up time and time again. And although I feel this way, I don't think that its fair for her to ask me and my brother what she should do. This isn't something that I can answer, and something I haven't. My brother always says whatever she thinks is best or whatever she feels she needs to do. So she tend to do nothing....because she herself doesn't know what to do.
Not only do I get to come home to some sort of a mees with my parents. But school isn't going so well, I swear I just want to drop out. I'm stuck in the middle of a major that I'm obivously to stupid for. People tell me that I'll make a great teacher, but I can't even get through theory without having to need to retake some part of theory over again. Its frustrating. Fine it takes me a little more time to understand things. But its looking like I'll have to retake this stupid level of theory I'm in again.....Why I haven't given up and tried to find another major is beyond me. Most likely its becasue I don't know what else the fuck I would do. I'm not good at anything. Then to make things worse I'm just like my father and I lie to her, she askes me how school is going and I fucking lie to her. I wish I could be like my brother and say how great everything is going and pass my classes, but it seems that no matter how hard I try I don't, so I've resorted to just going through the motions. Go to class, sit in class, take note, pack up, go to next class and when the end of the year comes I just sit there and let my mom yell at me and say I'll try harder next time. I would ask for help but I have this retarted complex and get scared of people getting mad at me when I ask for help and get confused. Then they get mad becuase its so easy to understand and they don't have another way to teach it and I get blamed for not trying hard enough. I'm such a lost cause.
Then theres all the lovely sterotypes and shit. Like not being able to get a guy. So I'm fat. but when i bring that up all my frineds have to say "no your not" well people face it. I am. I'm when I say that I'm not looking for people to counter it or boost me up. I'm stating a fact. What I really don't get is when people tell me I'm this sweet person or I have these great qulities that they go and look at a barbie. I'M NOT BLIND I CAN TELL WHEN YOUR LOOKING AT HER WHEN YOU TALK TO ME!! if I have so many great qulities why am I not ehough, or right? I guess the only thing that I'm good for is a friend that people can cry too. Don't get me wrong I'll hear your problems and listen.
It seems like there are less days when I'm happy and more when I'm depressed and not thinking the best things. I lock myself in my room and put on my headphones so that I don't have to hear anymore. But there are so many times that I just want to give up, but know I can't....why... whats keeping me from doing it......whats keeping me from my going to my mom and telling her I'm not the type for school. Or that she could possibly be better of with out my dad. Why do I insist on putting on a mask infront of these people and tell them I'm ok when they ask? Why is there no there no sholder for me to feel safe enough to cry on? and why the hell are sharp things looking so nice???.......This really can't be the only thing to relieve my pain..I don't want it to be.
as long as I could remember my mom said that they wouldn't split up because of me and my brother. But we're both adults now, so what will happen now? Sure I don't want to see my parents split after 26 years together. But I hate sitting here and watch him hurt, upset, and lie to her any more. Part of me just wants her to do it. Leave. Then maybe she could be happy. The other part doens't want me to see that happen, and it hurts when I hear her bring it up time and time again. And although I feel this way, I don't think that its fair for her to ask me and my brother what she should do. This isn't something that I can answer, and something I haven't. My brother always says whatever she thinks is best or whatever she feels she needs to do. So she tend to do nothing....because she herself doesn't know what to do.
Not only do I get to come home to some sort of a mees with my parents. But school isn't going so well, I swear I just want to drop out. I'm stuck in the middle of a major that I'm obivously to stupid for. People tell me that I'll make a great teacher, but I can't even get through theory without having to need to retake some part of theory over again. Its frustrating. Fine it takes me a little more time to understand things. But its looking like I'll have to retake this stupid level of theory I'm in again.....Why I haven't given up and tried to find another major is beyond me. Most likely its becasue I don't know what else the fuck I would do. I'm not good at anything. Then to make things worse I'm just like my father and I lie to her, she askes me how school is going and I fucking lie to her. I wish I could be like my brother and say how great everything is going and pass my classes, but it seems that no matter how hard I try I don't, so I've resorted to just going through the motions. Go to class, sit in class, take note, pack up, go to next class and when the end of the year comes I just sit there and let my mom yell at me and say I'll try harder next time. I would ask for help but I have this retarted complex and get scared of people getting mad at me when I ask for help and get confused. Then they get mad becuase its so easy to understand and they don't have another way to teach it and I get blamed for not trying hard enough. I'm such a lost cause.
Then theres all the lovely sterotypes and shit. Like not being able to get a guy. So I'm fat. but when i bring that up all my frineds have to say "no your not" well people face it. I am. I'm when I say that I'm not looking for people to counter it or boost me up. I'm stating a fact. What I really don't get is when people tell me I'm this sweet person or I have these great qulities that they go and look at a barbie. I'M NOT BLIND I CAN TELL WHEN YOUR LOOKING AT HER WHEN YOU TALK TO ME!! if I have so many great qulities why am I not ehough, or right? I guess the only thing that I'm good for is a friend that people can cry too. Don't get me wrong I'll hear your problems and listen.
It seems like there are less days when I'm happy and more when I'm depressed and not thinking the best things. I lock myself in my room and put on my headphones so that I don't have to hear anymore. But there are so many times that I just want to give up, but know I can't....why... whats keeping me from doing it......whats keeping me from my going to my mom and telling her I'm not the type for school. Or that she could possibly be better of with out my dad. Why do I insist on putting on a mask infront of these people and tell them I'm ok when they ask? Why is there no there no sholder for me to feel safe enough to cry on? and why the hell are sharp things looking so nice???.......This really can't be the only thing to relieve my pain..I don't want it to be.