I Can't Say 'No' to You...
Title: I Can't Say 'No' to You
Author: vanessatolins
Words/Pairing/Rating: 6,764/Joick/R
Warning: ANGST! Incestuous thoughts/actions
Joe Jonas had to move out, it was something no one had understood and even when his parents forced conditions upon him that Garbo, Jack and Ryan were to be his roommates…he’d accepted without hesitation. Maybe he couldn’t live alone yet, but it was better than living the way he had been. It was better than living with him.
He didn’t hate the boy, couldn’t, wouldn’t. No, the problem Joe had with Nick was that he liked his little brother a bit too much. The way he styled his hair, the shampoo Joe himself would use any chance he could get, the smooth, rounded ass as those paler legs walked around the room after a shower. It was in the curve of his lips, or maybe the strong nose or masculine jaw line - or maybe the way he would cling to Joe while they slept sometimes like a baby with their favorite security blanket. So, really, he’d had to move out because he was finding it increasingly difficult to live with himself, let alone Nick. He couldn’t do that to Nick, couldn’t sabotage their relationship and their family like that just for his own selfish needs. He couldn’t corrupt his baby brother, either, and debauchery had so much appeal.
But good Christians didn’t dream about deflowering their virginal younger brothers; they didn’t want to do things that would give them a non-refundable, one-way ticket to Hell. Because there were no do-overs, no refunds - no returns when you dealt with matters of the heart. The two people in question could try and act like it never happened, could never speak of it again, but it would always linger in the minds of both parties and prove to be some kind of obstacle to the relationship in the long run. And if things went bad? Like…really bad? Well, Joe wasn’t sure he could handle it, and that’s why Joe Jonas had had to move out.
He had dreams of Nick telling him ‘Stay’ was about him, dreams of Nick confessing to feeling the same way Joe did, and with each waking moment he had to find something good to look at to keep from thinking how much better the dreams had been. Moving out had been his only option, and with Nick on tour it was the best timing because it meant Nick couldn’t stay with him at his new place every night. That was important, too, it meant that they could have time apart from each other and Nick wouldn’t get into any habit of hanging around Joe’s place and Joe could claim he was used to having his own space if Nick wanted to.
It wasn’t like he did it on purpose, and he knew perfectly well what people said about them. They were too close for brothers, too close to be just friends. It was in the way Joe looked at Nick, in the way he hugged Nick like he were the only other person in the universe. It might as well have been true, might as well have been just them left all alone because Joe might have stood an actual chance that way. Each time he tweeted Nick, he tried to keep it casual. He joined Twitter. He tried to make a joke and said he’d stay because it had been Nick who had pushed him to join the stupid social network. Well, he’d texted Nick asking if he should and Nick had said it was really no big deal and it was kind of fun and that was all the nudging Joe had needed. When that picture surfaced with Nick’s ‘nip slip’ he’d laughed. Right, great, so Nick had nipples…so what? He was a guy; it wasn’t like he wasn’t allowed to go places shirtless. He’d still had to reply, too, ‘nice shirt’ and thought just take it off already.
He was too aware that he had problems; too aware that maybe he should be seeing a therapist or something. But if somehow this got out, even him just seeing a therapist would be news, it could all be detrimental to the carefree and pure Jonas Brothers’ image. But instead of actual therapy, he wrote music. He wrote music with Garbo, with Jack and a lot of other people. He was even planning his own solo tour even though he wasn’t sure who the members of his band would be yet. It would probably be he and the others he was living with and he smiled as he debated calling the group ‘The Roomies.’ His name, he decided, didn’t need to be in the group name.
He was playing instruments again, too. His old keyboard was moved to the house along with some of his guitars, and between him and his roommates they had everything covered for song-writing. Of course, they didn’t ask who the songs were about. Some of them were just generic love songs, but the deeper, more meaningful songs packed with feeling and agony - those were too personal and the others stuck to the guy code: they didn’t ask.
“Hey,” he heard and turned at the sound of Nick’s voice. They were in L.A. for Nick’s last show for the tour and it was chilly out, but not enough to really bother Joe. Nick, who had always been more sensitive to the cold, shivered as he took a few steps closer to Joe. Joe smiled to show he’d heard the greeting, but otherwise ignored his brother. The urge to stare was strong, but he directed his gaze at the sky instead, to watch it darken and turn colors. “So,” Nick said and Joe risked a glance. Nick was looking at the pavement they stood on behind the theater, feet kicking at a pile of dirt and getting his super shiny Gucci shoes scuffed up, curl dangling over his forehead like usual these days. Suddenly his face turned up once more and their eyes met, “Pretty big announcement you made before…”
Joe nodded and stuffed his hands in his pockets. He’d told his family that he wanted to do a solo project and they’d all said supportive things, but he could tell Nick had wanted to talk to him about it some more. He could read Nick like his favorite book, the furtive glances, the narrowed eyes and slight purse to his lips. “Yeah, I guess so…” he said, and looked back up at the sky, longing to have his camera with him to capture the beauty.
“Oh, well, good luck, I guess?” Joe shrugged, not really knowing why this was bothering him so much. It was more than the fact that it was Nick; it was the fact that Nick was saying the right things but his tone of voice was anything but supportive. There were a few long moments of silence before Nick let out his breath in a rush, “What more do you want me to say, Joseph?”
He turned to face Nick completely now, a wry smirk twisting his features. “Oh, I don’t know, how about actually being supportive of me? I mean I’ve been here for you this entire time supporting you, and genuinely supportive, too. I didn’t think it was too much to ask for you to do the same. I’m not asking you to go to every show, or any show for that matter, but your support would be nice…”
“I already told you-”
“I know what you said, Nick…but you didn’t mean it. I could tell.”
“I’m sorry, but Joe…why are you doing this to me?” The anguish and desperation in Nick’s voice made Joe take a step back, because he was truthfully clueless as to what Nick was talking about, but the distance between them narrowed again as Nick took a few steps closer, pointing accusingly at Joe. “I mean, every single thing I want you come along and do it better and everyone winds up liking you more! Why are you ruining this for me?”
Joe’s eyebrows drew together angrily and he said, voice low, “Why are you acting like I’m raining on your fucking parade or something? It’s not like my tour would be at the same time as yours…what is your childhood trauma about this? Because I know it can’t just be about the solo thing…”
“No, Joseph. This is about you, how you always have to do everything I do and you just…I know you don’t mean to, but you take the spotlight! Every time! I worked so hard to earn being center stage this time and I just know your tour is going to be bigger and better without even trying!” Nick shook his head and Joe realized with a jolt this was about the Jonas Brothers, this was about their entire lives. “I’m sorry, I know it’s not your fault and I have things to work on. I don’t have your charisma, your natural charm in capturing the audience…the reporters think I have plenty, but really it’s you, Joe. Every trick I have I learned from watching you. It’s like…you’re the teacher and I’m the student, everyone’s going to realize how not fun my concerts are compared to yours.”
Joe couldn’t help it: he laughed. It was a dry, bitter laugh that didn’t last more than a few short moments before he said, “I can’t believe you’re jealous of me. Nicky,” he said, voice softening, “Baby boy…this is something I need to do for me.” He took a deep breath and Nick looked away, ashamed at the outburst and the anger that was misdirected at Joe. “Remember you said you wrote songs that aren’t appropriate for the Jonas Brothers? Well, that’s what I’ve realized about my new songs…please don’t make me give this up. I’ve given up so much for you, Nick, so much. You don’t know, you can’t know; please don’t make this be just one more. Hell, Nick, I even gave up my identity for you…”
Nick looked at him, emotions playing across his expressive eyes like a movie and Joe said, “Please don’t…don’t tell me I haven’t. Nick, I don’t know who I am anymore, I’m lost to the media and the frenzy that is the Jonas Brothers. I’m just one of three. Kevin’s got Danielle, now you have this…people don’t know me, not really.” He let out a dark chuckle, “Maybe I’ll cover ‘Who I Am,” and Nick actually laughed.
The laugh was short-lived, however, as confusion overcame Nick’s face again. He didn’t know what to say or how to comfort Joe, that much was obvious by his stance and downcast glances. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize…but Joe, really, you’re always so confident what…you’re just you!”
Joe stepped even closer, right into Nick’s personal space, but there was nothing playful about it this time. “Who am I, Nicky?” he asked seriously, a hand coming up to grip Nick’s arm roughly.
“You, you’re, I mean, Joe,” Nick sputtered, wincing when Joe’s grip tightened. “You’re my brother…” Nick said, angry tears fighting their way through his eyes. “Charming, endearing, clumsy…you hide porno magazines under the bed where you think I won’t find them but I know you’re into, uh, busty women…” Nick was blushing at this point and Joe pushed him away fiercely.
“You don’t know the first thing about me…” he said sadly. He didn’t keep the magazines there so Nick wouldn’t find them; they were good cover for the fact that Joe never actually read or looked through them. Nick wrenched out of Joe’s grasp and Joe let him, watching as his younger brother put a few feet between them looking more hurt by Joe’s last words than any other they’d exchanged that night. Silence, like the darkness taking over the sky, settled around them like a blanket that did not warm and finally Joe asked, “Do you remember when I was the quiet one?”
“Yeah,” Nick said, voice guarded, shoulders hunched in as he seemed to withdraw into himself defensively.
“What?” Joe asked, suddenly suspicious because it was obvious Nick was thinking something he didn’t want Joe to know about.
“Nothing,” Nick said hastily and wouldn’t meet Joe’s eyes. Joe kept staring until, finally, Nick said, “I used to…resent you a little for taking the spotlight like that.” Joe rolled his eyes and Nick said quickly, “I know! I know mom and dad told you to, but I was generally angry at the world then and part of me felt like you’d told them I was sick so you could be center of attention. Of course, the moment you did, the Jonas Brothers became a lot more successful…”
He could feel his body trembling; he had to get out of there before he seriously hit Nick or something. “That’s not fair…” he said, holding back tears of his own now. Nick had just gotten diagnosed with Diabetes, the disease that changed everything for their entire family. “Kevin and I gave up what we were doing so we could follow you around because we all sounded good together; we were fucking living in your shadow and honestly? I was never happier…” Joe ended and started to walk away.
“Joe, I’m sorry!” Nick called and Joe paused but didn’t turn back around to look at Nick. “And if this solo project means so much to you, and I really didn’t know, but Joe…I’ll be there for you.”
“Pay attention to my lyrics, Nick…you might learn something about me,” Joe retorted. “This solo project is about figuring myself out because I need to know how much of me is still in here and how much has been adapted from the persona I picked up in order to help you…I need to get out of here…” he added truthfully because he was truly pissed. “Maybe this is partly because you did your tour, but before now I didn’t think you’d let me do this. There are parts of me you’ll never know, and I figured this was sort of the time to do this if any existed. And I know, you wouldn’t have told me ‘no,’ but I would have held me back from doing this project without you before now. You going solo just sparked the realization that this was a good time is all. Sorry for the miscommunication,” he shook his head and started walking again, hating the formality in his tone.
“Where are you going? You and Kevin are performing with me tonight!” Nick called after him as he reached the door.
“Do it without me…wouldn’t want to overshadow you or anything,” Joe said and pulled the handle, navigating the hallways backstage so he could leave completely. He grabbed his Nick Jonas and the Administration sweatshirt from the dressing room and pulled it on over his plain, black t-shirt before slipping out of a side exit and back into the fresh air - or as fresh as the air got in this part of California . He walked into a random restaurant and asked to use the bathroom, and it wasn’t until he was locked in the small, one-person lavatory that he broke down.
He was shaking, and the burning feeling stinging his eyes was stronger. His brother, his best friend, didn’t know him half as well as Joe thought he did. How was it that the person Joe spent his childhood years with didn’t realize what had happened? Mostly, he was angry at himself for expecting more from Nick. He was mad at Nick for not knowing, but then again it wasn’t like Nick was in love with him or anything like that. He would have laughed but the tears made it impossible and he grabbed a paper towel from the rack, blowing his nose loudly and leaning against the wooden door heavily.
Somehow he’d been hoping Nick would realize Joe was in love with him. Obviously, he was disappointed again - he was left wanting again. What more do you want me to say, Joseph? replayed in his head, as angry as Nick’s voice had been earlier and Joe whispered, “How about ‘I love you?’” to the empty room.
“Dammit, Joe, pull yourself together,” he said as he looked in the mirror and blew his nose again. Fighting with Nick was always the worst and now, like every other time, he was angrier at himself than Nick. He washed his face with cool water from the faucet before wrapping his scarf around the bottom half of his face and pulling up his hood. Then he headed back to the venue.
He shouldn’t go back - he knew that just like he knew going back meant giving up everything he’d just fought for. He needed Nick like an alcoholic needed liquor, and if he was this addicted to a person? Well, Joe didn’t think he would ever pick up any kind of addictive substance in the future. He flashed the pass that allowed him access to any entrance and slipped into the back of the floor. For sold out shows there were always a few seats that the scumbag scalpers who sold them for more than they were worth couldn’t sell and Joe found an empty seat towards the back wall. He didn’t take off his scarf or hood, preferring to remain anonymous for as long as possible, thankfully the presence of Kevin, the rest of his family and their friends were distracting most people from looking for him. If he’d be anywhere it would be with them, right? He watched as Nick’s eyes scanned the area, too, looking for his favorite brother and Joe’s heart clenched painfully. Selena smiled at him and he gave her a nod in return before launching into ‘State of Emergency .’
That smile, that nod, they made Joe want to vomit. When Nick sat down at the piano and launched into his ‘Black Keys/A Little bit Longer’ medley this was when he was supposed to call Kevin and Joe up onto the stage. Just like in New York , only this time it was planned. Nick hesitated and launched into his campaign-speech instead but cut himself off after year of no fear. “I’d like to invite two people to join me on this stage tonight, they really mean so much to me and I wouldn’t be here without them…” At risk of personal embarrassment, Nick had said it anyway with a faux-cocky attitude Joe could see right through like Nick was wearing a mask made of cellophane.
He watched Nick’s smile falter as he looked toward Kevin and their older brother only shook his head ‘no.’ No, Joe wasn’t there, he hadn’t come back yet. But, dutifully, Kevin slid out the door and Joe knew he was walking toward the backstage entrance to the nearest wing. “Joe?” Nick said into the microphone tentatively and it felt like a knife in his gut, the sad look in those brown eyes twisting it sharply. The song changed and Nick sang, “I’m sorry, for breaking all the promises I never did get to keep…”
Fuck, he thought as Kevin walked onto the stage, guitar in hand and strummed along. “It’s too late, this time is the last time I will ever beg you to stay…but you’re already on your way.” Nick sort of slumped on the bench, hands falling off the keys a little shakily before he stood up. Kevin was still strumming and Nick sang, “Can’t make it tonight on my own” but gave up on the lyrics halfway through the phrase. Kevin’s hands stopped moving as well and they exchanged a tense look.
“Excuse me,” Joe said, pushing past the five people between him and the aisle. Once free of the huddling masses trying to figure out what was going on he pulled down the hood and walked toward the stage as confidently as he could. He wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if he were the reason for that look on his Nick’s face. Girls started screaming as they realized who he was and tried to touch him, but security seemed to catch on around the same time and moved to counter them. The ushers were helping as well and Joe reached the stage with hardly any incident, pushing himself onto it from the front and grabbing a microphone from the stand.
Nick smiled and pulled him into a hug. “You’re still here,” he whispered and Joe nodded.
“I came back…and I’m picking the song.” Nick shivered at the words and Joe added, “I want to sing ‘When you Look me in the Eyes.’”
“Yeah, sure, whatever,” Nick said and they parted as Kevin joined them. “Just take off that stupid sweatshirt,” Nick grinned and everything felt like it would go back to normal. It wasn’t going to, but he’d let Nick think it would for now. Nick pulled another microphone off a stand and finally they all turned to the audience and Nick said, “Sometimes I wish he’d stop pulling these jokes on me…I guess I’m really not the funny one after all.” Everyone laughed and Nick lowered the mic long enough to tell Kevin about the song change and they began to perform.
Joe did take off the sweatshirt. It was hot on stage and it made the crowd go crazy as he tossed it out for someone in the front row to catch. His scarf was loose around his neck now and he turned to look at Nick as the song began. They were improvising, harmonizing and singing together parts normally only one of them would sing, but because Nick was only singing and not playing piano or guitar it made the song more of a performance.
When Nick turned to look at Selena and then to the crowd, Joe sat on the edge of the stage and held a few hands to keep himself distracted because this had always been their song. Nick walked over to where he was sitting and ruffled his hair before offering Joe a hand to help him stand which Joe took between phrases so they wouldn’t be interrupted by weird breathing.
Nick started to walk away again as the second chorus began and Joe reached out to touch his brother’s cheek gently. It was enough to stop Nick but he left his fingers there just in case, thumb barely on cheekbone and fingers skimming down to rest below Nick’s chin. They sang out the rest of the chorus like that, eyes locked and Nick moved forward, his own mic dropping to his side as he brought their foreheads together and Joe almost forgot to keep singing into the mic they were now sharing. His hand shook where he held it between them and after a few seconds Nick moved away once more and this time Joe let him.
The girls were all screaming but Joe couldn’t hear anything over the pounding of his heart.
~*~*~
“Holy shit that was awesome!” Nick said and flopped down onto the sofa in the dressing room having pulled Joe and Kevin along as well. “I mean, that brotherly stuff…the crowd ate that up.” Joe paused and took a seat in front of the vanity across the short room and felt a little like he was going to be sick again. Kevin shot him a look he didn’t understand (or was trying not to understand) as Nick added, “We’ll have to remember to do a lot of that during the World Tour.”
Joe just sat there, letting Nick go on and on and wondered if he’d be able to stomach actually doing it. It was more than that to him and Nick said, “Well I’ve got to go and do a few interviews I’ll see you guys later right?”
“Yeah, definitely,” Kevin said a bit too enthusiastically.
Joe just nodded before smiling and saying “My place should be fine.” Yeah, that way he could kick them out or let them sleep on the couches if they wouldn’t leave.
“Right, I’ll meet you guys there as soon as I’m finished,” and Joe couldn’t help but notice the way Nick was absolutely beaming like he was about ready to burst at the seams. The moment the door closed behind Nick, Kevin was at his side with a hand on his shoulder.
“Joe…”
“Don’t, Kev…please.” He took a deep breath and looked away, unable to face his older brother. “How long have you known?”
Kevin hesitated momentarily before answering softly, “I knew you liked him, I didn’t realize until tonight how bad it was…I didn’t know you were in love with him.” He didn’t say anything back, he didn’t know what to say, instead he felt Kevin’s arms around his shoulders and hugged back as if his life depended on it as silent, salty tears made fresh tracks on his cheeks and soaked into Kevin’s shirt. “Shhh, Joe I’m so sorry…” Kevin said, which only made Joe cry harder because it certainly wasn’t Kevin’s fault and there wasn’t anything either of them could do to make this situation any better.
His body shook and his breath hitched painfully in his chest and he hated the hurt sounds coming from his own traitorous self as he clutched desperately at Kevin. He hated that his sinuses felt clogged, hated the warm water streaming out, but mostly hated himself for having those feelings about Nick that started this all to begin with. The crying felt like it went on for forever and he was dimly aware of the door opening at one point but Kevin must have said something to get rid of the person and they were left alone again with Kevin just letting Joe cry and holding Joe like he would when Joe was upset when they were younger. Kevin was going to be an amazing father someday.
He pulled away slowly and Kevin let him, but kept his hands on Joe’s shoulders just in case and Joe sniffed before pleading, “Please…don’t tell anyone about, well…any of this.”
“Shhh,” Kevin said again and kissed Joe on the forehead. “I won’t tell a soul, I promise.” It was a few more minutes of sniffling and blowing his nose but eventually Joe stood up and slipped on his brown leather jacket, the one he and Nick had gotten together in Italy , but instead of the weird fluttery feeling it usually gave him this time it made him feel numb. Numb was good, numb he could live with. Words like ‘thanks’ weren’t necessary, this was family drama and it was the type that was automatically confined to just the people that knew about it or found out, and even then the count was kept as low as possible. Instead of making things awkward he just slipped on some sunglasses despite that it was dark out more to hide that he’d been crying than anything else and Kevin said, “Want me to tell Nick that nothing’s happening tonight?”
“Nah, you guys should come over, I’ll be okay,” Joe said more to reassure himself than anything else. “I’m going to go on ahead and shower; sorry I messed up your shirt.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Kevin said and flashed a small, nervous smile. “I’ll just wear the tour shirt,” and he grabbed the black shirt with Nick’s face on it from his bag and held it up so Joe could see.
“Yeah, ok. See you later.”
The drive back to the house went quickly as he pulled into the driveway and shut down the car before locking it behind him and going inside. Home sweet home, right? It was slowly beginning to feel that way, but it was still weird to not have his mom, dad or brothers around. He especially missed the way Frankie would run everywhere; it would sound like an elephant stomping around. He hadn’t wanted to move out.
He shrugged off the jacket and hung it on a peg behind the door before locking it. Everyone who would need to get inside had a key and he threw his own keys onto the table across the hallway before taking the steps two at a time to his bedroom. Stripping quickly he left his clothes on the floor, knowing he could take his time in the shower and his eye caught the unopened bottle of red wine standing below the desk in the corner of the room. The desk he wrote music at with the open laptop from Apple shiny and white atop it and the nearly full bottle of Advil in one of the drawers. He tossed his phone onto the bed which was close to the bathroom door before walking over to the desk and pulling out the Advil.
Yeah, he’d thought about it - he’d thought about it a lot. There was a picture next to the laptop, a picture of him with his brothers, and usually it was that picture that kept him from going through with it. He was sorely tempted once again, and he reached down and set both next to the picture. He probably wouldn’t, he was too chicken-shit, and there were so many people who would be affected by his decision in the worst of ways. He shook his head slowly and headed for the bathroom. He let the water run and then leaned against the counter as he waited for the water to heat up.
Fingers drummed idly against the marble counter top before steam curled over the top of the glass sliding door that separated the shower from the rest of the room and he opened it before sliding under the water and relaxed completely. The shower was one of the few places he felt he could actually think clearly without the mess of the press and the paparazzi following his every move. There were no flashing lights in here, thank God, and no one pressing him to do this or that or not do this or that. He grabbed the shampoo and rubbed some into his hair, massaging his scalp and letting the scent of vanilla merge with the steam as he grabbed the bar of Irish Spring from the ledge and ran it over his skin, taking extra care in more sensitive areas before letting the water rinse everything off at once.
He put the soap back before just standing there for a while longer and put in a little bit of conditioner. After he’d cut his hair he’d kept taking too much for at least an entire month, but he was finally getting the right amount now. With a sigh he rinsed it out and turned off the shower, wishing life could be this still and silent all the time. He wouldn’t have to deal with people or the world and, oh, yeah…then he’d be miserable because Joe definitely liked being with people.
He stepped out and wrapped one of the blue towels around his waist and noticed he’d have to do laundry soon because he was definitely on his last clean towel. Great. What else could possibly go wrong? He opened the door to the bedroom and immediately grabbed his phone and started scrolling through missed…everything? He had two voicemails, five missed calls from Nick, two from Kevin and text messages galore.
Nick: Joe are you ok?
Kevin: Danielle told Nick she saw you crying earlier before I could talk to her…he ditched his last two interviews and is on his way.
Nick: Joe answer me or I’m coming over.
Nick: Joe what’s wrong? Talk to me! You need to answer your phone.
Kevin: Sorry, nothing I could do or say would calm him down…
Nick: I’ll be there in five, Joseph Adam Jonas you better be there when I get there.
He didn’t check the voicemails. Instead he picked up his phone and dialed Nick as he headed for the door to check if Nick was downstairs. But he froze halfway through the doorframe as Nick’s ringtone sounded behind him. He turned around and the sight that caught his eyes was enough to send chills down his spine. Nick was sitting on the floor by the desk, the bottle of Advil in one hand and in his other hand was the bottle of wine. His cell phone was in front of his feet, knees tucked under his chin and Joe said, “Shit…”
Nick stood up and it was obvious his baby boy had been crying. “What the fuck is this?” Nick’s voice sounded strained, stuffy, and not at all like his usual certain self. “Joe?”
He didn’t know what to do. He tentatively took a step forward, towards Nick, and then another but Nick just tried to move back away from him. “Nick…it’s not what you think.”
“I think…that you’ve got this stuff here so you can kill yourself,” Nick said stiffly.
“Alright…maybe it is what you think, but I promise I wasn’t actually going to do it.”
“Having it is bad enough, Joe…” Nick shook his head and Joe could tell he was crying again, “Shit, Joe…I’m getting rid of this stuff.” As Nick moved past Joe he reached out to grab the boy’s arms with both hands and Nick stopped. “What? There’s nothing you can say to me right now that could make this,” he gestured to the wine and Advil in his hands, “Worth it.”
“Nicky…please…” Nick pulled out of his grasp, though, and turned to meet Joe’s eyes…and nick didn’t look happy at all.
“I was really worried about you and obviously for good reason. Joe I didn’t…I don’t know how to deal with this. I should tell someone…” Nick said softly as if talking more to himself now than to Joe.
“No, Nick…really I wasn’t going to.” Well, not tonight anyway, he added silently and shook Nick a little to get his full attention. The towel around his waist was slipping and he had to either let it fall or take one hand off of Nick. He opted to grab the towel and Nick put down the bottle of wine and did turn to face Joe and looked like he was waiting for some sort of explanation despite his earlier words.
Kevin walked in and made that moment even more of a disaster and looked from Nick to Joe and back to Nick before saying, “What’d I miss?”
“Nothing,” Nick said stiffly and Joe let go of Nick’s arm.
“Yeah, sure, which is why you look like Elvis just died or something,” Kevin said and Nick shivered before he started crying again. Joe wrapped his arms tightly around Nick who collapsed into the embrace much like Joe had done to Kevin earlier. “Sorry. He didn’t die, right?” Kevin asked just to make sure and Joe shook his head ‘no.’ “Okay, good, I’m gonna just…yeah.”
Joe took the Advil and tossed it aside not really caring where it landed as he led Nick to the bed and managed to get them both seated without losing the towel (a feat which he felt rather proud of) and Nick clung to Joe, arms around the older man’s neck. “Too much crying going on today…” Joe said and Nick let out a choked laugh before looking up at Joe. “I’m sorry I made you worry…”
“Why, Joe? Why do you have those like that?” The hurt in Nick’s voice made Joe flinch inwardly but he just pressed a kiss to his brother’s cheek and Nick said, “I’m sorry I said those things before.”
“Don’t, we both said a lot of things that were hurtful but we…probably should have had that conversation a long time ago. Nick…” he paused, he couldn’t tell him, could he? “I, uh…” No, he couldn’t do it, but now Nick was looking at him and hanging on his every word so he had to say something. “Why don’t you ever tweet me back?”
Nick laughed and pushed away from Joe and said, “I love how you act like such a fangirl to make me laugh. You know, like you’re obsessed with me or something.”
“It’s not…” Joe said and froze, but Nick was talking again.
“No, obviously you’re not I didn’t mean to say you’re like a girl or in love with me or something -“
“An act…” Joe finished and Nick stopped talking and stared at Joe, mouth open, mid-word. “It’s not an act.”
“Oh…” Nick said and took a deep breath and then, more seriously, “Ohhhh.” They stayed seated like that for a while before Nick finally said, “This is awkward.”
“Yeah,” Joe said and Nick still wouldn’t meet his eyes.
“Sorry. Jesus, Joe…so you, what? Have a crush on me or something?” Now that Nick was looking at him it made Joe want to throw himself out the window. “Because you gotta admit this is weird…”
“I said ‘yeah,’” Joe said hurriedly. “It’s fuckin’ weird, Nick. Look, I’m sorry I said that I shouldn’t have, just forget it and let’s move on. Please forget I said that…” the last part came out as a whisper and he slumped forward, hands threading through his hair in a vague attempt to rip it out.
“You have a crush on me…” Nick said a bit more firmly as if trying to categorize this event somewhat neatly - trying to make it into something he could recognize and fix.
“Uh, kind of…” Joe said, trying to hide his face completely now in his hands.
Nick moved so he was squatting on the ground in front of Joe and took both of Joe’s hands in his own. He couldn’t do this, he felt like he couldn’t breathe as Nick stared into his eyes. “Joe…you either do or you don’t, and I think I deserve to know the truth either way…I mean, it’s not just you that’s affected by this.”
“Fuck, Nicky, I know…” Joe said and tried to move away but had nowhere to go. “I…” he swallowed thickly and cleared his throat to stall for time, and when he ran out he cleared it again. “It’s more than a crush.” Nick’s eyes widened and he actually let go of Joe’s hands and held them up as if he needed time to absorb the new information - time to process it correctly and translate it into usable data. Joe stood up and had to hold onto the towel again as he said, “I’m in love with you.”
“Well then…” Nick said before taking a step toward Joe and closing the distance between them, a bewildered expression upon his face. He took the time to look at Joe, really look at him, and Joe felt as though he were being x-rayed or something even though he knew he wasn’t. But it felt like Nick were suddenly examining him as if they’d never met before, and Nick’s stare…well, it was intense. “You…that, the Advil…it wasn’t an escape for you…” Joe shook his head ‘no’ and sat back down waiting for Nick to finish connecting the dots. “It was an alternate way to Hell…a way that wouldn’t drag me down with you, and a way to avoid a Living Hell because…”
Nick didn’t finish the thought but Joe did it silently, Because you don’t want me. “Nick I’m so sorry. It’s just…it’s always been you, even back when I didn’t realize it. You’ve always been the one I wanted.”
“Me?” he asked, voice a bit higher pitched than usual as he began to actually freak out. Joe stood up and grabbed Nick by the arm again, but this time Nick tried to pull away. “Me, Joe? Really? I’m your brother, I’m pretty sure you could have found anyone else and while the media might have cared, it wouldn’t be like this.” Nick pushed away a bit harder and Joe was forced to drop the stupid towel in order to keep him from pacing and picking at his cuticles or from biting his nails or any of the other thousand habits he had when nervous. He didn’t need Nick’s levels going out of control, too. “Oh that’s not fair,” Nick whispered and Joe followed his gaze along the now completely exposed area of his body that had previously been hidden.
“Wha -“ Joe began to ask but Nick’s arms were around his neck again, only this time Nick wasn’t crying as their lips met and Nick’s tongue was just suddenly inside his mouth. “Oh, God, Nick…” he said once they both pulled away rather breathlessly.
“Tell me no, Joseph…” Nick dared and he shivered.
“No…” Joe said softly, but he leaned down and kissed Nick again anyway. “No…I can’t say ‘no’…to you.”
Author: vanessatolins
Words/Pairing/Rating: 6,764/Joick/R
Warning: ANGST! Incestuous thoughts/actions
Joe Jonas had to move out, it was something no one had understood and even when his parents forced conditions upon him that Garbo, Jack and Ryan were to be his roommates…he’d accepted without hesitation. Maybe he couldn’t live alone yet, but it was better than living the way he had been. It was better than living with him.
He didn’t hate the boy, couldn’t, wouldn’t. No, the problem Joe had with Nick was that he liked his little brother a bit too much. The way he styled his hair, the shampoo Joe himself would use any chance he could get, the smooth, rounded ass as those paler legs walked around the room after a shower. It was in the curve of his lips, or maybe the strong nose or masculine jaw line - or maybe the way he would cling to Joe while they slept sometimes like a baby with their favorite security blanket. So, really, he’d had to move out because he was finding it increasingly difficult to live with himself, let alone Nick. He couldn’t do that to Nick, couldn’t sabotage their relationship and their family like that just for his own selfish needs. He couldn’t corrupt his baby brother, either, and debauchery had so much appeal.
But good Christians didn’t dream about deflowering their virginal younger brothers; they didn’t want to do things that would give them a non-refundable, one-way ticket to Hell. Because there were no do-overs, no refunds - no returns when you dealt with matters of the heart. The two people in question could try and act like it never happened, could never speak of it again, but it would always linger in the minds of both parties and prove to be some kind of obstacle to the relationship in the long run. And if things went bad? Like…really bad? Well, Joe wasn’t sure he could handle it, and that’s why Joe Jonas had had to move out.
He had dreams of Nick telling him ‘Stay’ was about him, dreams of Nick confessing to feeling the same way Joe did, and with each waking moment he had to find something good to look at to keep from thinking how much better the dreams had been. Moving out had been his only option, and with Nick on tour it was the best timing because it meant Nick couldn’t stay with him at his new place every night. That was important, too, it meant that they could have time apart from each other and Nick wouldn’t get into any habit of hanging around Joe’s place and Joe could claim he was used to having his own space if Nick wanted to.
It wasn’t like he did it on purpose, and he knew perfectly well what people said about them. They were too close for brothers, too close to be just friends. It was in the way Joe looked at Nick, in the way he hugged Nick like he were the only other person in the universe. It might as well have been true, might as well have been just them left all alone because Joe might have stood an actual chance that way. Each time he tweeted Nick, he tried to keep it casual. He joined Twitter. He tried to make a joke and said he’d stay because it had been Nick who had pushed him to join the stupid social network. Well, he’d texted Nick asking if he should and Nick had said it was really no big deal and it was kind of fun and that was all the nudging Joe had needed. When that picture surfaced with Nick’s ‘nip slip’ he’d laughed. Right, great, so Nick had nipples…so what? He was a guy; it wasn’t like he wasn’t allowed to go places shirtless. He’d still had to reply, too, ‘nice shirt’ and thought just take it off already.
He was too aware that he had problems; too aware that maybe he should be seeing a therapist or something. But if somehow this got out, even him just seeing a therapist would be news, it could all be detrimental to the carefree and pure Jonas Brothers’ image. But instead of actual therapy, he wrote music. He wrote music with Garbo, with Jack and a lot of other people. He was even planning his own solo tour even though he wasn’t sure who the members of his band would be yet. It would probably be he and the others he was living with and he smiled as he debated calling the group ‘The Roomies.’ His name, he decided, didn’t need to be in the group name.
He was playing instruments again, too. His old keyboard was moved to the house along with some of his guitars, and between him and his roommates they had everything covered for song-writing. Of course, they didn’t ask who the songs were about. Some of them were just generic love songs, but the deeper, more meaningful songs packed with feeling and agony - those were too personal and the others stuck to the guy code: they didn’t ask.
“Hey,” he heard and turned at the sound of Nick’s voice. They were in L.A. for Nick’s last show for the tour and it was chilly out, but not enough to really bother Joe. Nick, who had always been more sensitive to the cold, shivered as he took a few steps closer to Joe. Joe smiled to show he’d heard the greeting, but otherwise ignored his brother. The urge to stare was strong, but he directed his gaze at the sky instead, to watch it darken and turn colors. “So,” Nick said and Joe risked a glance. Nick was looking at the pavement they stood on behind the theater, feet kicking at a pile of dirt and getting his super shiny Gucci shoes scuffed up, curl dangling over his forehead like usual these days. Suddenly his face turned up once more and their eyes met, “Pretty big announcement you made before…”
Joe nodded and stuffed his hands in his pockets. He’d told his family that he wanted to do a solo project and they’d all said supportive things, but he could tell Nick had wanted to talk to him about it some more. He could read Nick like his favorite book, the furtive glances, the narrowed eyes and slight purse to his lips. “Yeah, I guess so…” he said, and looked back up at the sky, longing to have his camera with him to capture the beauty.
“Oh, well, good luck, I guess?” Joe shrugged, not really knowing why this was bothering him so much. It was more than the fact that it was Nick; it was the fact that Nick was saying the right things but his tone of voice was anything but supportive. There were a few long moments of silence before Nick let out his breath in a rush, “What more do you want me to say, Joseph?”
He turned to face Nick completely now, a wry smirk twisting his features. “Oh, I don’t know, how about actually being supportive of me? I mean I’ve been here for you this entire time supporting you, and genuinely supportive, too. I didn’t think it was too much to ask for you to do the same. I’m not asking you to go to every show, or any show for that matter, but your support would be nice…”
“I already told you-”
“I know what you said, Nick…but you didn’t mean it. I could tell.”
“I’m sorry, but Joe…why are you doing this to me?” The anguish and desperation in Nick’s voice made Joe take a step back, because he was truthfully clueless as to what Nick was talking about, but the distance between them narrowed again as Nick took a few steps closer, pointing accusingly at Joe. “I mean, every single thing I want you come along and do it better and everyone winds up liking you more! Why are you ruining this for me?”
Joe’s eyebrows drew together angrily and he said, voice low, “Why are you acting like I’m raining on your fucking parade or something? It’s not like my tour would be at the same time as yours…what is your childhood trauma about this? Because I know it can’t just be about the solo thing…”
“No, Joseph. This is about you, how you always have to do everything I do and you just…I know you don’t mean to, but you take the spotlight! Every time! I worked so hard to earn being center stage this time and I just know your tour is going to be bigger and better without even trying!” Nick shook his head and Joe realized with a jolt this was about the Jonas Brothers, this was about their entire lives. “I’m sorry, I know it’s not your fault and I have things to work on. I don’t have your charisma, your natural charm in capturing the audience…the reporters think I have plenty, but really it’s you, Joe. Every trick I have I learned from watching you. It’s like…you’re the teacher and I’m the student, everyone’s going to realize how not fun my concerts are compared to yours.”
Joe couldn’t help it: he laughed. It was a dry, bitter laugh that didn’t last more than a few short moments before he said, “I can’t believe you’re jealous of me. Nicky,” he said, voice softening, “Baby boy…this is something I need to do for me.” He took a deep breath and Nick looked away, ashamed at the outburst and the anger that was misdirected at Joe. “Remember you said you wrote songs that aren’t appropriate for the Jonas Brothers? Well, that’s what I’ve realized about my new songs…please don’t make me give this up. I’ve given up so much for you, Nick, so much. You don’t know, you can’t know; please don’t make this be just one more. Hell, Nick, I even gave up my identity for you…”
Nick looked at him, emotions playing across his expressive eyes like a movie and Joe said, “Please don’t…don’t tell me I haven’t. Nick, I don’t know who I am anymore, I’m lost to the media and the frenzy that is the Jonas Brothers. I’m just one of three. Kevin’s got Danielle, now you have this…people don’t know me, not really.” He let out a dark chuckle, “Maybe I’ll cover ‘Who I Am,” and Nick actually laughed.
The laugh was short-lived, however, as confusion overcame Nick’s face again. He didn’t know what to say or how to comfort Joe, that much was obvious by his stance and downcast glances. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize…but Joe, really, you’re always so confident what…you’re just you!”
Joe stepped even closer, right into Nick’s personal space, but there was nothing playful about it this time. “Who am I, Nicky?” he asked seriously, a hand coming up to grip Nick’s arm roughly.
“You, you’re, I mean, Joe,” Nick sputtered, wincing when Joe’s grip tightened. “You’re my brother…” Nick said, angry tears fighting their way through his eyes. “Charming, endearing, clumsy…you hide porno magazines under the bed where you think I won’t find them but I know you’re into, uh, busty women…” Nick was blushing at this point and Joe pushed him away fiercely.
“You don’t know the first thing about me…” he said sadly. He didn’t keep the magazines there so Nick wouldn’t find them; they were good cover for the fact that Joe never actually read or looked through them. Nick wrenched out of Joe’s grasp and Joe let him, watching as his younger brother put a few feet between them looking more hurt by Joe’s last words than any other they’d exchanged that night. Silence, like the darkness taking over the sky, settled around them like a blanket that did not warm and finally Joe asked, “Do you remember when I was the quiet one?”
“Yeah,” Nick said, voice guarded, shoulders hunched in as he seemed to withdraw into himself defensively.
“What?” Joe asked, suddenly suspicious because it was obvious Nick was thinking something he didn’t want Joe to know about.
“Nothing,” Nick said hastily and wouldn’t meet Joe’s eyes. Joe kept staring until, finally, Nick said, “I used to…resent you a little for taking the spotlight like that.” Joe rolled his eyes and Nick said quickly, “I know! I know mom and dad told you to, but I was generally angry at the world then and part of me felt like you’d told them I was sick so you could be center of attention. Of course, the moment you did, the Jonas Brothers became a lot more successful…”
He could feel his body trembling; he had to get out of there before he seriously hit Nick or something. “That’s not fair…” he said, holding back tears of his own now. Nick had just gotten diagnosed with Diabetes, the disease that changed everything for their entire family. “Kevin and I gave up what we were doing so we could follow you around because we all sounded good together; we were fucking living in your shadow and honestly? I was never happier…” Joe ended and started to walk away.
“Joe, I’m sorry!” Nick called and Joe paused but didn’t turn back around to look at Nick. “And if this solo project means so much to you, and I really didn’t know, but Joe…I’ll be there for you.”
“Pay attention to my lyrics, Nick…you might learn something about me,” Joe retorted. “This solo project is about figuring myself out because I need to know how much of me is still in here and how much has been adapted from the persona I picked up in order to help you…I need to get out of here…” he added truthfully because he was truly pissed. “Maybe this is partly because you did your tour, but before now I didn’t think you’d let me do this. There are parts of me you’ll never know, and I figured this was sort of the time to do this if any existed. And I know, you wouldn’t have told me ‘no,’ but I would have held me back from doing this project without you before now. You going solo just sparked the realization that this was a good time is all. Sorry for the miscommunication,” he shook his head and started walking again, hating the formality in his tone.
“Where are you going? You and Kevin are performing with me tonight!” Nick called after him as he reached the door.
“Do it without me…wouldn’t want to overshadow you or anything,” Joe said and pulled the handle, navigating the hallways backstage so he could leave completely. He grabbed his Nick Jonas and the Administration sweatshirt from the dressing room and pulled it on over his plain, black t-shirt before slipping out of a side exit and back into the fresh air - or as fresh as the air got in this part of California . He walked into a random restaurant and asked to use the bathroom, and it wasn’t until he was locked in the small, one-person lavatory that he broke down.
He was shaking, and the burning feeling stinging his eyes was stronger. His brother, his best friend, didn’t know him half as well as Joe thought he did. How was it that the person Joe spent his childhood years with didn’t realize what had happened? Mostly, he was angry at himself for expecting more from Nick. He was mad at Nick for not knowing, but then again it wasn’t like Nick was in love with him or anything like that. He would have laughed but the tears made it impossible and he grabbed a paper towel from the rack, blowing his nose loudly and leaning against the wooden door heavily.
Somehow he’d been hoping Nick would realize Joe was in love with him. Obviously, he was disappointed again - he was left wanting again. What more do you want me to say, Joseph? replayed in his head, as angry as Nick’s voice had been earlier and Joe whispered, “How about ‘I love you?’” to the empty room.
“Dammit, Joe, pull yourself together,” he said as he looked in the mirror and blew his nose again. Fighting with Nick was always the worst and now, like every other time, he was angrier at himself than Nick. He washed his face with cool water from the faucet before wrapping his scarf around the bottom half of his face and pulling up his hood. Then he headed back to the venue.
He shouldn’t go back - he knew that just like he knew going back meant giving up everything he’d just fought for. He needed Nick like an alcoholic needed liquor, and if he was this addicted to a person? Well, Joe didn’t think he would ever pick up any kind of addictive substance in the future. He flashed the pass that allowed him access to any entrance and slipped into the back of the floor. For sold out shows there were always a few seats that the scumbag scalpers who sold them for more than they were worth couldn’t sell and Joe found an empty seat towards the back wall. He didn’t take off his scarf or hood, preferring to remain anonymous for as long as possible, thankfully the presence of Kevin, the rest of his family and their friends were distracting most people from looking for him. If he’d be anywhere it would be with them, right? He watched as Nick’s eyes scanned the area, too, looking for his favorite brother and Joe’s heart clenched painfully. Selena smiled at him and he gave her a nod in return before launching into ‘State of Emergency .’
That smile, that nod, they made Joe want to vomit. When Nick sat down at the piano and launched into his ‘Black Keys/A Little bit Longer’ medley this was when he was supposed to call Kevin and Joe up onto the stage. Just like in New York , only this time it was planned. Nick hesitated and launched into his campaign-speech instead but cut himself off after year of no fear. “I’d like to invite two people to join me on this stage tonight, they really mean so much to me and I wouldn’t be here without them…” At risk of personal embarrassment, Nick had said it anyway with a faux-cocky attitude Joe could see right through like Nick was wearing a mask made of cellophane.
He watched Nick’s smile falter as he looked toward Kevin and their older brother only shook his head ‘no.’ No, Joe wasn’t there, he hadn’t come back yet. But, dutifully, Kevin slid out the door and Joe knew he was walking toward the backstage entrance to the nearest wing. “Joe?” Nick said into the microphone tentatively and it felt like a knife in his gut, the sad look in those brown eyes twisting it sharply. The song changed and Nick sang, “I’m sorry, for breaking all the promises I never did get to keep…”
Fuck, he thought as Kevin walked onto the stage, guitar in hand and strummed along. “It’s too late, this time is the last time I will ever beg you to stay…but you’re already on your way.” Nick sort of slumped on the bench, hands falling off the keys a little shakily before he stood up. Kevin was still strumming and Nick sang, “Can’t make it tonight on my own” but gave up on the lyrics halfway through the phrase. Kevin’s hands stopped moving as well and they exchanged a tense look.
“Excuse me,” Joe said, pushing past the five people between him and the aisle. Once free of the huddling masses trying to figure out what was going on he pulled down the hood and walked toward the stage as confidently as he could. He wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if he were the reason for that look on his Nick’s face. Girls started screaming as they realized who he was and tried to touch him, but security seemed to catch on around the same time and moved to counter them. The ushers were helping as well and Joe reached the stage with hardly any incident, pushing himself onto it from the front and grabbing a microphone from the stand.
Nick smiled and pulled him into a hug. “You’re still here,” he whispered and Joe nodded.
“I came back…and I’m picking the song.” Nick shivered at the words and Joe added, “I want to sing ‘When you Look me in the Eyes.’”
“Yeah, sure, whatever,” Nick said and they parted as Kevin joined them. “Just take off that stupid sweatshirt,” Nick grinned and everything felt like it would go back to normal. It wasn’t going to, but he’d let Nick think it would for now. Nick pulled another microphone off a stand and finally they all turned to the audience and Nick said, “Sometimes I wish he’d stop pulling these jokes on me…I guess I’m really not the funny one after all.” Everyone laughed and Nick lowered the mic long enough to tell Kevin about the song change and they began to perform.
Joe did take off the sweatshirt. It was hot on stage and it made the crowd go crazy as he tossed it out for someone in the front row to catch. His scarf was loose around his neck now and he turned to look at Nick as the song began. They were improvising, harmonizing and singing together parts normally only one of them would sing, but because Nick was only singing and not playing piano or guitar it made the song more of a performance.
When Nick turned to look at Selena and then to the crowd, Joe sat on the edge of the stage and held a few hands to keep himself distracted because this had always been their song. Nick walked over to where he was sitting and ruffled his hair before offering Joe a hand to help him stand which Joe took between phrases so they wouldn’t be interrupted by weird breathing.
Nick started to walk away again as the second chorus began and Joe reached out to touch his brother’s cheek gently. It was enough to stop Nick but he left his fingers there just in case, thumb barely on cheekbone and fingers skimming down to rest below Nick’s chin. They sang out the rest of the chorus like that, eyes locked and Nick moved forward, his own mic dropping to his side as he brought their foreheads together and Joe almost forgot to keep singing into the mic they were now sharing. His hand shook where he held it between them and after a few seconds Nick moved away once more and this time Joe let him.
The girls were all screaming but Joe couldn’t hear anything over the pounding of his heart.
~*~*~
“Holy shit that was awesome!” Nick said and flopped down onto the sofa in the dressing room having pulled Joe and Kevin along as well. “I mean, that brotherly stuff…the crowd ate that up.” Joe paused and took a seat in front of the vanity across the short room and felt a little like he was going to be sick again. Kevin shot him a look he didn’t understand (or was trying not to understand) as Nick added, “We’ll have to remember to do a lot of that during the World Tour.”
Joe just sat there, letting Nick go on and on and wondered if he’d be able to stomach actually doing it. It was more than that to him and Nick said, “Well I’ve got to go and do a few interviews I’ll see you guys later right?”
“Yeah, definitely,” Kevin said a bit too enthusiastically.
Joe just nodded before smiling and saying “My place should be fine.” Yeah, that way he could kick them out or let them sleep on the couches if they wouldn’t leave.
“Right, I’ll meet you guys there as soon as I’m finished,” and Joe couldn’t help but notice the way Nick was absolutely beaming like he was about ready to burst at the seams. The moment the door closed behind Nick, Kevin was at his side with a hand on his shoulder.
“Joe…”
“Don’t, Kev…please.” He took a deep breath and looked away, unable to face his older brother. “How long have you known?”
Kevin hesitated momentarily before answering softly, “I knew you liked him, I didn’t realize until tonight how bad it was…I didn’t know you were in love with him.” He didn’t say anything back, he didn’t know what to say, instead he felt Kevin’s arms around his shoulders and hugged back as if his life depended on it as silent, salty tears made fresh tracks on his cheeks and soaked into Kevin’s shirt. “Shhh, Joe I’m so sorry…” Kevin said, which only made Joe cry harder because it certainly wasn’t Kevin’s fault and there wasn’t anything either of them could do to make this situation any better.
His body shook and his breath hitched painfully in his chest and he hated the hurt sounds coming from his own traitorous self as he clutched desperately at Kevin. He hated that his sinuses felt clogged, hated the warm water streaming out, but mostly hated himself for having those feelings about Nick that started this all to begin with. The crying felt like it went on for forever and he was dimly aware of the door opening at one point but Kevin must have said something to get rid of the person and they were left alone again with Kevin just letting Joe cry and holding Joe like he would when Joe was upset when they were younger. Kevin was going to be an amazing father someday.
He pulled away slowly and Kevin let him, but kept his hands on Joe’s shoulders just in case and Joe sniffed before pleading, “Please…don’t tell anyone about, well…any of this.”
“Shhh,” Kevin said again and kissed Joe on the forehead. “I won’t tell a soul, I promise.” It was a few more minutes of sniffling and blowing his nose but eventually Joe stood up and slipped on his brown leather jacket, the one he and Nick had gotten together in Italy , but instead of the weird fluttery feeling it usually gave him this time it made him feel numb. Numb was good, numb he could live with. Words like ‘thanks’ weren’t necessary, this was family drama and it was the type that was automatically confined to just the people that knew about it or found out, and even then the count was kept as low as possible. Instead of making things awkward he just slipped on some sunglasses despite that it was dark out more to hide that he’d been crying than anything else and Kevin said, “Want me to tell Nick that nothing’s happening tonight?”
“Nah, you guys should come over, I’ll be okay,” Joe said more to reassure himself than anything else. “I’m going to go on ahead and shower; sorry I messed up your shirt.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Kevin said and flashed a small, nervous smile. “I’ll just wear the tour shirt,” and he grabbed the black shirt with Nick’s face on it from his bag and held it up so Joe could see.
“Yeah, ok. See you later.”
The drive back to the house went quickly as he pulled into the driveway and shut down the car before locking it behind him and going inside. Home sweet home, right? It was slowly beginning to feel that way, but it was still weird to not have his mom, dad or brothers around. He especially missed the way Frankie would run everywhere; it would sound like an elephant stomping around. He hadn’t wanted to move out.
He shrugged off the jacket and hung it on a peg behind the door before locking it. Everyone who would need to get inside had a key and he threw his own keys onto the table across the hallway before taking the steps two at a time to his bedroom. Stripping quickly he left his clothes on the floor, knowing he could take his time in the shower and his eye caught the unopened bottle of red wine standing below the desk in the corner of the room. The desk he wrote music at with the open laptop from Apple shiny and white atop it and the nearly full bottle of Advil in one of the drawers. He tossed his phone onto the bed which was close to the bathroom door before walking over to the desk and pulling out the Advil.
Yeah, he’d thought about it - he’d thought about it a lot. There was a picture next to the laptop, a picture of him with his brothers, and usually it was that picture that kept him from going through with it. He was sorely tempted once again, and he reached down and set both next to the picture. He probably wouldn’t, he was too chicken-shit, and there were so many people who would be affected by his decision in the worst of ways. He shook his head slowly and headed for the bathroom. He let the water run and then leaned against the counter as he waited for the water to heat up.
Fingers drummed idly against the marble counter top before steam curled over the top of the glass sliding door that separated the shower from the rest of the room and he opened it before sliding under the water and relaxed completely. The shower was one of the few places he felt he could actually think clearly without the mess of the press and the paparazzi following his every move. There were no flashing lights in here, thank God, and no one pressing him to do this or that or not do this or that. He grabbed the shampoo and rubbed some into his hair, massaging his scalp and letting the scent of vanilla merge with the steam as he grabbed the bar of Irish Spring from the ledge and ran it over his skin, taking extra care in more sensitive areas before letting the water rinse everything off at once.
He put the soap back before just standing there for a while longer and put in a little bit of conditioner. After he’d cut his hair he’d kept taking too much for at least an entire month, but he was finally getting the right amount now. With a sigh he rinsed it out and turned off the shower, wishing life could be this still and silent all the time. He wouldn’t have to deal with people or the world and, oh, yeah…then he’d be miserable because Joe definitely liked being with people.
He stepped out and wrapped one of the blue towels around his waist and noticed he’d have to do laundry soon because he was definitely on his last clean towel. Great. What else could possibly go wrong? He opened the door to the bedroom and immediately grabbed his phone and started scrolling through missed…everything? He had two voicemails, five missed calls from Nick, two from Kevin and text messages galore.
Nick: Joe are you ok?
Kevin: Danielle told Nick she saw you crying earlier before I could talk to her…he ditched his last two interviews and is on his way.
Nick: Joe answer me or I’m coming over.
Nick: Joe what’s wrong? Talk to me! You need to answer your phone.
Kevin: Sorry, nothing I could do or say would calm him down…
Nick: I’ll be there in five, Joseph Adam Jonas you better be there when I get there.
He didn’t check the voicemails. Instead he picked up his phone and dialed Nick as he headed for the door to check if Nick was downstairs. But he froze halfway through the doorframe as Nick’s ringtone sounded behind him. He turned around and the sight that caught his eyes was enough to send chills down his spine. Nick was sitting on the floor by the desk, the bottle of Advil in one hand and in his other hand was the bottle of wine. His cell phone was in front of his feet, knees tucked under his chin and Joe said, “Shit…”
Nick stood up and it was obvious his baby boy had been crying. “What the fuck is this?” Nick’s voice sounded strained, stuffy, and not at all like his usual certain self. “Joe?”
He didn’t know what to do. He tentatively took a step forward, towards Nick, and then another but Nick just tried to move back away from him. “Nick…it’s not what you think.”
“I think…that you’ve got this stuff here so you can kill yourself,” Nick said stiffly.
“Alright…maybe it is what you think, but I promise I wasn’t actually going to do it.”
“Having it is bad enough, Joe…” Nick shook his head and Joe could tell he was crying again, “Shit, Joe…I’m getting rid of this stuff.” As Nick moved past Joe he reached out to grab the boy’s arms with both hands and Nick stopped. “What? There’s nothing you can say to me right now that could make this,” he gestured to the wine and Advil in his hands, “Worth it.”
“Nicky…please…” Nick pulled out of his grasp, though, and turned to meet Joe’s eyes…and nick didn’t look happy at all.
“I was really worried about you and obviously for good reason. Joe I didn’t…I don’t know how to deal with this. I should tell someone…” Nick said softly as if talking more to himself now than to Joe.
“No, Nick…really I wasn’t going to.” Well, not tonight anyway, he added silently and shook Nick a little to get his full attention. The towel around his waist was slipping and he had to either let it fall or take one hand off of Nick. He opted to grab the towel and Nick put down the bottle of wine and did turn to face Joe and looked like he was waiting for some sort of explanation despite his earlier words.
Kevin walked in and made that moment even more of a disaster and looked from Nick to Joe and back to Nick before saying, “What’d I miss?”
“Nothing,” Nick said stiffly and Joe let go of Nick’s arm.
“Yeah, sure, which is why you look like Elvis just died or something,” Kevin said and Nick shivered before he started crying again. Joe wrapped his arms tightly around Nick who collapsed into the embrace much like Joe had done to Kevin earlier. “Sorry. He didn’t die, right?” Kevin asked just to make sure and Joe shook his head ‘no.’ “Okay, good, I’m gonna just…yeah.”
Joe took the Advil and tossed it aside not really caring where it landed as he led Nick to the bed and managed to get them both seated without losing the towel (a feat which he felt rather proud of) and Nick clung to Joe, arms around the older man’s neck. “Too much crying going on today…” Joe said and Nick let out a choked laugh before looking up at Joe. “I’m sorry I made you worry…”
“Why, Joe? Why do you have those like that?” The hurt in Nick’s voice made Joe flinch inwardly but he just pressed a kiss to his brother’s cheek and Nick said, “I’m sorry I said those things before.”
“Don’t, we both said a lot of things that were hurtful but we…probably should have had that conversation a long time ago. Nick…” he paused, he couldn’t tell him, could he? “I, uh…” No, he couldn’t do it, but now Nick was looking at him and hanging on his every word so he had to say something. “Why don’t you ever tweet me back?”
Nick laughed and pushed away from Joe and said, “I love how you act like such a fangirl to make me laugh. You know, like you’re obsessed with me or something.”
“It’s not…” Joe said and froze, but Nick was talking again.
“No, obviously you’re not I didn’t mean to say you’re like a girl or in love with me or something -“
“An act…” Joe finished and Nick stopped talking and stared at Joe, mouth open, mid-word. “It’s not an act.”
“Oh…” Nick said and took a deep breath and then, more seriously, “Ohhhh.” They stayed seated like that for a while before Nick finally said, “This is awkward.”
“Yeah,” Joe said and Nick still wouldn’t meet his eyes.
“Sorry. Jesus, Joe…so you, what? Have a crush on me or something?” Now that Nick was looking at him it made Joe want to throw himself out the window. “Because you gotta admit this is weird…”
“I said ‘yeah,’” Joe said hurriedly. “It’s fuckin’ weird, Nick. Look, I’m sorry I said that I shouldn’t have, just forget it and let’s move on. Please forget I said that…” the last part came out as a whisper and he slumped forward, hands threading through his hair in a vague attempt to rip it out.
“You have a crush on me…” Nick said a bit more firmly as if trying to categorize this event somewhat neatly - trying to make it into something he could recognize and fix.
“Uh, kind of…” Joe said, trying to hide his face completely now in his hands.
Nick moved so he was squatting on the ground in front of Joe and took both of Joe’s hands in his own. He couldn’t do this, he felt like he couldn’t breathe as Nick stared into his eyes. “Joe…you either do or you don’t, and I think I deserve to know the truth either way…I mean, it’s not just you that’s affected by this.”
“Fuck, Nicky, I know…” Joe said and tried to move away but had nowhere to go. “I…” he swallowed thickly and cleared his throat to stall for time, and when he ran out he cleared it again. “It’s more than a crush.” Nick’s eyes widened and he actually let go of Joe’s hands and held them up as if he needed time to absorb the new information - time to process it correctly and translate it into usable data. Joe stood up and had to hold onto the towel again as he said, “I’m in love with you.”
“Well then…” Nick said before taking a step toward Joe and closing the distance between them, a bewildered expression upon his face. He took the time to look at Joe, really look at him, and Joe felt as though he were being x-rayed or something even though he knew he wasn’t. But it felt like Nick were suddenly examining him as if they’d never met before, and Nick’s stare…well, it was intense. “You…that, the Advil…it wasn’t an escape for you…” Joe shook his head ‘no’ and sat back down waiting for Nick to finish connecting the dots. “It was an alternate way to Hell…a way that wouldn’t drag me down with you, and a way to avoid a Living Hell because…”
Nick didn’t finish the thought but Joe did it silently, Because you don’t want me. “Nick I’m so sorry. It’s just…it’s always been you, even back when I didn’t realize it. You’ve always been the one I wanted.”
“Me?” he asked, voice a bit higher pitched than usual as he began to actually freak out. Joe stood up and grabbed Nick by the arm again, but this time Nick tried to pull away. “Me, Joe? Really? I’m your brother, I’m pretty sure you could have found anyone else and while the media might have cared, it wouldn’t be like this.” Nick pushed away a bit harder and Joe was forced to drop the stupid towel in order to keep him from pacing and picking at his cuticles or from biting his nails or any of the other thousand habits he had when nervous. He didn’t need Nick’s levels going out of control, too. “Oh that’s not fair,” Nick whispered and Joe followed his gaze along the now completely exposed area of his body that had previously been hidden.
“Wha -“ Joe began to ask but Nick’s arms were around his neck again, only this time Nick wasn’t crying as their lips met and Nick’s tongue was just suddenly inside his mouth. “Oh, God, Nick…” he said once they both pulled away rather breathlessly.
“Tell me no, Joseph…” Nick dared and he shivered.
“No…” Joe said softly, but he leaned down and kissed Nick again anyway. “No…I can’t say ‘no’…to you.”