we may die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain.
I havent written in this in so long but i have tried everything and nothing seems to work. This is my last attempt at taking the weight of the world off my shoulder:
I dont know whats wrong with me lately. I havent been able to sleep well. I wake up every half hour or so in an indescribable mood. Its not a good feeling, ive never felt it before, i dont know why. I cant eat, which isnt like me at all. I feel the hunger but every time i think of food i feel like vomiting. I only eat once a day, and even then I'm forcing the food down my throat. I'm so depressed and lifeless and weak and helpless and i dont know how to make it stop. I dont know why this is happening, i dont know how to make it stop. Im so far down and at my complete ends. I am so close to breaking, so close that it scares me to death. I am so fuckin scared of myself. I try to drink to make it stop hurting, but then i drink way too much and i get really emotional and cry and then drink more cause im sad. It ends up being a complete shit-show, and needless to say, i spend my night on the toilet vomiting and then just pass out to sleep. When i wake up in the morning, i have the worst feeling in the world. Its like when you wake up on a Sunday and you know you have all that work to do that youve been putting aside all weekend, and you just wanna close your eyes and sleep until the next weekend so you dont have to do all your work. Its kind of like that, but a much more depressing feeling. I'm not entirely sure if its loneliness or depression, or perhaps a fucked up combination of the both. I'm a fucked up combination of the both. I make no fuckin sense. I am a complete train wreck.
I dont think anyone would recognize me right now. I am not myself. Im not happy, im far from it. I cant get happy. I have depression, thats no lie, but its such a deep depression right now and i dont know what to do with myself. I find myself so fuckin scared to even move because i feel like everything i do is gonna make things worse. Do you have any idea how hard it is to live life like that? Every day just being so miserable and knowing you have to hide it so you wont worry your friends or parents. Cause go forbid i be selfish for once in my entire life. God forbid i act the way i feel, all it does is hurt everyone else and i dont want them to be hurt. I dont know what to do with myself. I really am so lost. I dont know who I am, whatsoever. I hate this, I hate myself, I dont know whats going on with me. I have been trying so hard to make it stop but i just cant. I get happy and then all the sudden I'll just get this overwhelming feeling of depression. Why even try? If I'm just going to randomly feel depressed for no reason every hour, why should i even bother trying to get happy? It's completely redundant and pointless and i dont want to do it anymore.
I dont even feel sorry for myself. Its not that at all. I am just so depressed. I cant explain this at all. All i do is sit in my room staring blankly at the wall. I dont know who i am. I have never found myself. I dont trust. I used to trust. When did i lose that innocense? When did i become so cold? When the fuck did i decide that everyone in the world is just going to hurt me?? Its especially with guys. I cant trust guys. I feel like they deserve so much better and that theyre going to leave me as soon as they find it. Its like that with Ryan right now. I get so jealous and i just wish he knew its because I dont understand why he was ever with me. But its funny, cause he does the same back. He doesnt trust either and i see how much it hurts the other person, and i tried to stop doing it. I made such progress. I'm so much better at holding my tongue, but he didnt make that change for me and it just started fights.
I think its because we are too much alike. We feel the same things and we get upset the same ways, and it starts fights. And as much as i have him figured out, sometimes i find that i have no clue what hes thinking ever. I wish we could just be happy all the time. If you could just see the way we look at each other, you'd realize why I try so hard. And someone told me today that i need to get over him and that they just dont see the chemistry between us. That hurt me so much that I walked away, and anyone who knows me knows i would have stood there and fought them about it, but this time it was so untrue and so painful that someone cant see it that i just walked away and i cried. I have cried for the past 3 days, and i cant stop. If you could just feel what i feel when we get along, when nothings wrong, youd know exactly why i am fighting so hard for this. The bad is so bad, but so stupid. The good is so good, and so real. Im torn. Completely. Its real, what I feel for him. I cant even begin to describe what I feel when we kiss. Picture the time youve seen me the happiest. When I'm with him and everything is right, I am easily a million times happier than what youre picturing right now.
Ahhhh my mom needs me to come home. More venting later, i'm sure of it. :-\
I dont know whats wrong with me lately. I havent been able to sleep well. I wake up every half hour or so in an indescribable mood. Its not a good feeling, ive never felt it before, i dont know why. I cant eat, which isnt like me at all. I feel the hunger but every time i think of food i feel like vomiting. I only eat once a day, and even then I'm forcing the food down my throat. I'm so depressed and lifeless and weak and helpless and i dont know how to make it stop. I dont know why this is happening, i dont know how to make it stop. Im so far down and at my complete ends. I am so close to breaking, so close that it scares me to death. I am so fuckin scared of myself. I try to drink to make it stop hurting, but then i drink way too much and i get really emotional and cry and then drink more cause im sad. It ends up being a complete shit-show, and needless to say, i spend my night on the toilet vomiting and then just pass out to sleep. When i wake up in the morning, i have the worst feeling in the world. Its like when you wake up on a Sunday and you know you have all that work to do that youve been putting aside all weekend, and you just wanna close your eyes and sleep until the next weekend so you dont have to do all your work. Its kind of like that, but a much more depressing feeling. I'm not entirely sure if its loneliness or depression, or perhaps a fucked up combination of the both. I'm a fucked up combination of the both. I make no fuckin sense. I am a complete train wreck.
I dont think anyone would recognize me right now. I am not myself. Im not happy, im far from it. I cant get happy. I have depression, thats no lie, but its such a deep depression right now and i dont know what to do with myself. I find myself so fuckin scared to even move because i feel like everything i do is gonna make things worse. Do you have any idea how hard it is to live life like that? Every day just being so miserable and knowing you have to hide it so you wont worry your friends or parents. Cause go forbid i be selfish for once in my entire life. God forbid i act the way i feel, all it does is hurt everyone else and i dont want them to be hurt. I dont know what to do with myself. I really am so lost. I dont know who I am, whatsoever. I hate this, I hate myself, I dont know whats going on with me. I have been trying so hard to make it stop but i just cant. I get happy and then all the sudden I'll just get this overwhelming feeling of depression. Why even try? If I'm just going to randomly feel depressed for no reason every hour, why should i even bother trying to get happy? It's completely redundant and pointless and i dont want to do it anymore.
I dont even feel sorry for myself. Its not that at all. I am just so depressed. I cant explain this at all. All i do is sit in my room staring blankly at the wall. I dont know who i am. I have never found myself. I dont trust. I used to trust. When did i lose that innocense? When did i become so cold? When the fuck did i decide that everyone in the world is just going to hurt me?? Its especially with guys. I cant trust guys. I feel like they deserve so much better and that theyre going to leave me as soon as they find it. Its like that with Ryan right now. I get so jealous and i just wish he knew its because I dont understand why he was ever with me. But its funny, cause he does the same back. He doesnt trust either and i see how much it hurts the other person, and i tried to stop doing it. I made such progress. I'm so much better at holding my tongue, but he didnt make that change for me and it just started fights.
I think its because we are too much alike. We feel the same things and we get upset the same ways, and it starts fights. And as much as i have him figured out, sometimes i find that i have no clue what hes thinking ever. I wish we could just be happy all the time. If you could just see the way we look at each other, you'd realize why I try so hard. And someone told me today that i need to get over him and that they just dont see the chemistry between us. That hurt me so much that I walked away, and anyone who knows me knows i would have stood there and fought them about it, but this time it was so untrue and so painful that someone cant see it that i just walked away and i cried. I have cried for the past 3 days, and i cant stop. If you could just feel what i feel when we get along, when nothings wrong, youd know exactly why i am fighting so hard for this. The bad is so bad, but so stupid. The good is so good, and so real. Im torn. Completely. Its real, what I feel for him. I cant even begin to describe what I feel when we kiss. Picture the time youve seen me the happiest. When I'm with him and everything is right, I am easily a million times happier than what youre picturing right now.
Ahhhh my mom needs me to come home. More venting later, i'm sure of it. :-\