Fear and trembling
Lately I've been away in another world fighting a war for control. The world is called Civilization III. It's full of oceans, trees, rivers, colourful lands and colourful little people, some of whom respond precisely to my bidding and help realize my dream of the perfect society. Other races cohabit the planet. I cannot control them, but if they become too powerful and threaten to undermine my achievements I can, without troubled conscience, delete the world and start over.
Meanwhile:
- Dad seems to be doing fine, but he has not heard a new date for the surgery.
- I qualified for financial assistance from Ontario Works, but the maximum is $570, which barely covers the rent. Just the fact of being on OW fires the anxiety. Physical symptoms rise acutely every time I handle paperwork. Assistance is decreased dollar for every dollar I earn, so I probably will not receive much. It has secured next month's rent, at least. I also may have an opportunity to use drug and dental benefits and get my eyes tested.
- I worked a day for Les last week. I had been screwing myself up for months to ask for a raise. I finally did and got twice what I asked for, amounting to 13 per cent. I expect to work for him all next week, probably just enough to eliminate any assistance from OW next month. It's still a hand to mouth existence.
- The same day Dad's surgery was cancelled, my doctor's office called with news that my blood cholesterol is slightly elevated; I'll get details in two weeks. This is a serious concern, considering Dad is getting atherosclerosis with good cholesterol levels. Dr. T urges a change in diet and considerable increase in exercise. Tough, very tough. I'm going to try swimming with Sarah once a week and buy some cheap free weights to do semi-aerobic exercise at home. Don't even mention jogging or cardio machines; I hate them.
- Dr. T's referral has lined up an appointment with a new psychiatrist next week. I expected it to take months, not three weeks.
So there is good news with the bad, but overall I've had a lot to handle lately. Yesterday I had a terrible hour trying to get out the door to run errands, pacing from room to room, forgetting what I needed, losing coherent thought. It felt like I was going completely mad, then suddenly it evaporated and I was calm again.
As always, anxiety nudges me into solitude. But despite what I said in the first paragraph, I have not let the usual avoidance mechanisms take over. I say no to isolation by getting out most days, if nothing else to meet Sarah at the library for writing.
But I've had little energy left over for social networking, hence temporary absence from the blogosphere. Supportive comments last week were appreciated. They always are. I seem to be getting back into a routine today, so perhaps you'll hear more from me.
In the midst of all this, there's a lot happening with my writing. Thanks to the online workshop and a daily habit hashed out and reinforced with a partner, I seem to be breaking the manacles that have bound my fiction-writing hand for several years. The fact that this is happening despite so many challenges and daily bouts of acute anxiety, offers considerable hope for the future.
Practically no new photography this month, though. I blame the severe cold. My failure to go walking for weeks at a time probably contributes to the anxiety, so this needs to be addressed. But for the moment I'm doing the best I can, and my best is better than it used to be.
There is a lot to be said for a little Brownline calendar to support living a day at a time when your mind runs amok. I doubt that I can master this game. On the other hand I cannot delete and start over, so will call upon every possible resource to make the most of it.