A double life
Meeting Dan went fine, but I had a meltdown on the way home from anxiety group.
Only three of eight people turned up. M said it was because last week he had told us we would be writing, which scares most people.
The cute, straight Greek cub mentioned how having anxiety involves leading a double life. That's when I began to crumble. I led a double life from the age of 12, when I started realizing I was gay, until 31. Coming out, I lost my marriage, church, friends and relatives. People tried to take away my children.
Gay men advised me to move to the ghetto. But I didn't want to surround myself with people who all thought and acted the same way. That's what churches do, so people don't have to think. I wanted a diverse community, but lacked the courage. Except online, I have unconsciously avoided straight society since 1995.
Until this group. Now I'm leading another double life, talking about anxiety but not sexuality. I believe people don't want to know. I choked up in the car, realizing how much this fear-of people hating me again-has held me back from work and community involvement.