>return
making a mess
out of this game
to see it all go up in flames
and i'm just so tired
of being ruthless and reckless
time to be your only one
be my last real fun
time to crash into the sun
time to be your only one
time to dream that love with last
time to fall too hard too fast
time to walk before i run
time to be your only one
it's exactly midnight. and it has been so long since I updated. so, so, so long. let's see. what has happened since then.
well. turned out that matt wasn't the sweetest guy like I said he was. all he did was lie and try to control me and I was just kinda like 'wtf' and I was over it really quickly. I wanted to break up with him in person but I never saw him so that was obviously not an option. then I went to that halloween party down in corvallis. he wanted to go too but I didn't want him to go (I can only IMAGINE what he would've done. he would've been annoying and he probably would've wanted to do THINGS, which were out of the question since I was supposed to be staying in Bonnie's dorm with her) so I said the girl having the party only wanted people she knew there. first off, it's a fucking college party so random ass people show up. second, a guy was having the party. but apparently Matt's stupid. then he was saying how he would be worrying about me and blah blah blah and how selfish I was for going even though I knew he'd be worrying about me. what the hell. it's selfish that I'm going to something I'd had planned forever and that I'd spent A LOT of money on because he'd worry. and yet HE isn't selfish for saying he didn't want me going to something I REALLY REALLY wanted to go to? somehow, this doesn't make sense. sadly, I kinda went down with the intention of hooking up with someone. I know, it's terrible. but what the hell. you lie to me and treat me like shit and try to control me, I'm not going to be a fucking little sweet cupcake back to you. he deserved what he got. I'm sorry. but he did. so I went down there and hooked up with this guy Joe, who way way WAY liked Bonnie. I knew he liked her but he wanted to hook up with me anyway. he settled for me and I knew it but I was way too drunk to care. but then not even ten minutes after we had sex, he was like "I have a random question for you" and I asked what it was and he was like, "can you put in a good word for me to Bonnie?"
I cried. after he fell asleep, I rolled over and cried myself to sleep. that was one of the worst feelings ever. okay, I knew going into the whole thing that he liked Bonnie and I knew he was settling for me but then he said that right after hooking up with me. and then for a while after that he wouldn't stop talking about her. i don't know how I didn't start crying right away. god. it was awful. honestly, I was so close to getting up and going to the bathroom to make myself either throw up for to cut or SOMETHING. that was just how I felt. Bonnie laughed when I told her what Joe had asked. of course I omitted the tiny part about me crying and it hurting so much. whatever, I wouldn't tell her that.
uhm. I broke up with Matt like two days later. and he wouldn't leave me alone! he knew I cheated on him and yet he was going on and on about how he'd forgive me and blah blah blah. then he went a teeny bit crazy, saying that he tried to commit suicide (bullshit. his story didn't line up AT ALL) and that he fucked some other girl but then like three days later, he said he hadn't had sex since we'd been together and I was like uh wtf. he just lies a lot. I finally got rid of him but it took forever. then comes the next guy. and this one, I liked. a lot...
okay. so T. we hung out and I swear, there was something so odd because being in his presence just gave me butterflies. honestly. we were sitting on the couch at his friend's place (he was housesitting for his friend so we were there), watching Animal House and he had his arm around me and his hand on my knee and I could barely even breathe. and when he kissed me. oh. haven't felt that in quite a while. I was stupid and ended up having sex with him (shall we count these ones? jesus. I'm not joking when I call myself a slut...) but for the first time like EVER there wasn't this tiny voice in the back of my head screaming at me that I was being an idiot for what I was doing. it seemed okay. for once. he drove me home and was like "call me tomorrow" and then he kissed me. normally, any butterflies are gone so quickly and I figured they'd be gone since we'd already done everything there was to do. but no, still butterflies. oh. not to long after that, I discovered that he was having sex with other girls. one that I know of for sure, two others that I'm pretty damn sure of, and then a couple others. litteraly, my heart dropped. because I actually liked him. stupid me. but that next morning, I couldn't sleep and he texted me. I had the house to myself for the day so I took a shower and invited him over. we were texting back and forth on his way over and he sent me this text that didn't make sense and I was pretty damn confused. it said something like "I'll be there before four, we should go somewhere and fool around." but I figured I'd read it wrong or something since I damn well knew he was coming over for that purpose. well, we had sex and then he left. he kissed me goodbye again. he was there for maybe an hour, at the very very very most. when he was gone, I checked the text again and realized: it was meant for another girl. he was on his way over to have sex with me while texting some other girl about fooling around. that one hurt too but I kinda brushed it off. bullshit, you brushed nothing off.
but he kinda fell off the map for a little while after that. I invited him over another time because I had the house to myself but I never heard back from him. he's the type of guy who unfortunately forgets you exist until he decides it's a good time to remember you. one night super randomly a few weeks ago, he called me at 3 AM asking if I could get to his house. I said I couldn't and he got off the phone as quickly as he could. we were on the phone for 34 seconds. no exageration. I texted him later saying I was sorry I couldn't come over and saying I would be home alone the next morning and that he should come over then. no response. a few days later and he has a girlfriend. and then pretty recently, he started sending me these text messages at all hours of the night, asking me to talk dirty to him and I'm just like what the hell. one night he asked what I was doing and I said nothing and he replied back with 'same. I'm just horny' so I made a joke saying something like why aren't you out getting any? and he said "well I have a girlfriend and I don't cheat. I just do text sex." ouch. and he's been sending me these messages for so long. the problem: I still like him a lot. I know it's terrible that I'm even still talking to him while he has a girlfriend but I don't care. I dont think I'd go as far as to sleep with him while he has a girlfriend but god knows I don't really know what'd happen in that situation. but I don't think it'll come to that. then again, who knows, right? oh. I shouldn't even be thinking about that one.
uhm. I started working at Frederick's of Hollywood like two weeks before thanksgiving. it's good fun. the people I work with are cool. Alayna is my favorite for sure, but she's leaving soon and that bums me out. she works at Hooters also WITH KRISTA. and I was like AH and Krista and I are back in contact and we hung out a little while ago. it was really good to talk to her again. I missed her so much.
India's been super sick lately. my mom took her in to get spayed and it turns out she had like doggy breast cancer so they removed it. well then she got SUPER infected and had to be taken to the emergancy vet place at like 3 AM. if my mom had waited until the next day, India probably would've died. sad sad. they did more surgery and I guess so much of her insides were infected. like the incisions from the surgery were infected, she had eye infections, a vaginal infection, her lymphnodes were fucked up and she was super swollen of the lymphnodes. so they did the surgery and all of the fat pockets on the inside of her legs were infected too so they removed those. they took out all of the infected stuff. and then later went back and did something else. she's much better now. in fact, she's home from the hospital, which is for sure a good thing.
my grandfather, on the other hand, isn't doing well. on christmas, my dad told me that he'd been doing much worse than normal for about a week and it's just gone way way down hill since then. well I guess his kidney's are pretty much shut down. he could die any day now, or he could go on for another few months. they don't know. but I think his doctor's said he won't make it too much longer. god. the one fucking christmas I can't go back, all of this shit happens. if I don't ever see him again, I'll feel horrible about that. dammit. shit is way piling up on me.
first there's the shit with India. then I started school and that's just bad because I hate it. (you wonder why I stopped going? yeah. it's terrible.) my grandfather's doing terribly and probably won't make it much longer. T's dicking me around. I'm breaking out (I know, retarded...). I can't write to save my life, I just have this terrible writer's block.
Becky's here for the bridal show and also for "christmas" which will happen on sunday and also happens to be the 15th of january. whatever. my mom was supposed to come but she's staying with india, which I'm happy for because I couldn't handle seeing her right now. anyway, we tried on bridesmaid's dresses today and I wanted to shoot myself. I'm huge. no joke. I'm huge. the whole day, I barely said a word because I was just grossed out and disgusted and depressed over how I looked. it was bad. so toss that onto the pile of everything.
last night, at work, I called Bonnie to let her know about my grandfather and stuff, snce I hadn't talked to her. well as I'm talking to her on the phone, she's talking to this guy online. sure, he was hot, but you would've thought she could've given me a few moments of undivided attention. is that too much to ask from my best friend? even after I told her that my grandfather could pass away any day now, she seemed so distant and kinda bored with the whole thing. I was really, really bothered by that. sure, it's probably selfish as a mother fucker but it hurt me that she was paying all of her attention to talking to some guy online when I'm telling her this stuff. and then she seemed to get me off the phone as quickly as she could. I dunno. it shouldn't bother me but it does. maybe just because she's my best friend. again, I honestly don't know.
and then the stupidest thing set me off. I was checking online because I was seeing the hours of the bank so I could cash my check tomorrow. well, every bank around here or that I can get to is either closed tomorrow or only open until noon or 2 and they open at 10, which means Rachel couldn't even drop me off on the way to the bridal show. I just got so frusterated to the point where I had to close my laptop and go get in the shower so I could cry without them knowing.
I don't know how I'm not handling this stuff. I should be able to deal with it but I can't. it's bad. I'm crumbling. AGAIN. every time I get to the point where I think that maybe I can handle it, shit piles on me and I fall. I hate this. and yet I let it happen over and over again so I can have some pity party or something. I swear I'm in love with pain and failure. no wonder I have issues, right? I dunno. all of this... it's just weird.
but life is weird. my life... is weird. so maybe that's just the explanation for all of this? yeah. I'll just say that.
maybe it'll help.
out of this game
to see it all go up in flames
and i'm just so tired
of being ruthless and reckless
time to be your only one
be my last real fun
time to crash into the sun
time to be your only one
time to dream that love with last
time to fall too hard too fast
time to walk before i run
time to be your only one
it's exactly midnight. and it has been so long since I updated. so, so, so long. let's see. what has happened since then.
well. turned out that matt wasn't the sweetest guy like I said he was. all he did was lie and try to control me and I was just kinda like 'wtf' and I was over it really quickly. I wanted to break up with him in person but I never saw him so that was obviously not an option. then I went to that halloween party down in corvallis. he wanted to go too but I didn't want him to go (I can only IMAGINE what he would've done. he would've been annoying and he probably would've wanted to do THINGS, which were out of the question since I was supposed to be staying in Bonnie's dorm with her) so I said the girl having the party only wanted people she knew there. first off, it's a fucking college party so random ass people show up. second, a guy was having the party. but apparently Matt's stupid. then he was saying how he would be worrying about me and blah blah blah and how selfish I was for going even though I knew he'd be worrying about me. what the hell. it's selfish that I'm going to something I'd had planned forever and that I'd spent A LOT of money on because he'd worry. and yet HE isn't selfish for saying he didn't want me going to something I REALLY REALLY wanted to go to? somehow, this doesn't make sense. sadly, I kinda went down with the intention of hooking up with someone. I know, it's terrible. but what the hell. you lie to me and treat me like shit and try to control me, I'm not going to be a fucking little sweet cupcake back to you. he deserved what he got. I'm sorry. but he did. so I went down there and hooked up with this guy Joe, who way way WAY liked Bonnie. I knew he liked her but he wanted to hook up with me anyway. he settled for me and I knew it but I was way too drunk to care. but then not even ten minutes after we had sex, he was like "I have a random question for you" and I asked what it was and he was like, "can you put in a good word for me to Bonnie?"
I cried. after he fell asleep, I rolled over and cried myself to sleep. that was one of the worst feelings ever. okay, I knew going into the whole thing that he liked Bonnie and I knew he was settling for me but then he said that right after hooking up with me. and then for a while after that he wouldn't stop talking about her. i don't know how I didn't start crying right away. god. it was awful. honestly, I was so close to getting up and going to the bathroom to make myself either throw up for to cut or SOMETHING. that was just how I felt. Bonnie laughed when I told her what Joe had asked. of course I omitted the tiny part about me crying and it hurting so much. whatever, I wouldn't tell her that.
uhm. I broke up with Matt like two days later. and he wouldn't leave me alone! he knew I cheated on him and yet he was going on and on about how he'd forgive me and blah blah blah. then he went a teeny bit crazy, saying that he tried to commit suicide (bullshit. his story didn't line up AT ALL) and that he fucked some other girl but then like three days later, he said he hadn't had sex since we'd been together and I was like uh wtf. he just lies a lot. I finally got rid of him but it took forever. then comes the next guy. and this one, I liked. a lot...
okay. so T. we hung out and I swear, there was something so odd because being in his presence just gave me butterflies. honestly. we were sitting on the couch at his friend's place (he was housesitting for his friend so we were there), watching Animal House and he had his arm around me and his hand on my knee and I could barely even breathe. and when he kissed me. oh. haven't felt that in quite a while. I was stupid and ended up having sex with him (shall we count these ones? jesus. I'm not joking when I call myself a slut...) but for the first time like EVER there wasn't this tiny voice in the back of my head screaming at me that I was being an idiot for what I was doing. it seemed okay. for once. he drove me home and was like "call me tomorrow" and then he kissed me. normally, any butterflies are gone so quickly and I figured they'd be gone since we'd already done everything there was to do. but no, still butterflies. oh. not to long after that, I discovered that he was having sex with other girls. one that I know of for sure, two others that I'm pretty damn sure of, and then a couple others. litteraly, my heart dropped. because I actually liked him. stupid me. but that next morning, I couldn't sleep and he texted me. I had the house to myself for the day so I took a shower and invited him over. we were texting back and forth on his way over and he sent me this text that didn't make sense and I was pretty damn confused. it said something like "I'll be there before four, we should go somewhere and fool around." but I figured I'd read it wrong or something since I damn well knew he was coming over for that purpose. well, we had sex and then he left. he kissed me goodbye again. he was there for maybe an hour, at the very very very most. when he was gone, I checked the text again and realized: it was meant for another girl. he was on his way over to have sex with me while texting some other girl about fooling around. that one hurt too but I kinda brushed it off. bullshit, you brushed nothing off.
but he kinda fell off the map for a little while after that. I invited him over another time because I had the house to myself but I never heard back from him. he's the type of guy who unfortunately forgets you exist until he decides it's a good time to remember you. one night super randomly a few weeks ago, he called me at 3 AM asking if I could get to his house. I said I couldn't and he got off the phone as quickly as he could. we were on the phone for 34 seconds. no exageration. I texted him later saying I was sorry I couldn't come over and saying I would be home alone the next morning and that he should come over then. no response. a few days later and he has a girlfriend. and then pretty recently, he started sending me these text messages at all hours of the night, asking me to talk dirty to him and I'm just like what the hell. one night he asked what I was doing and I said nothing and he replied back with 'same. I'm just horny' so I made a joke saying something like why aren't you out getting any? and he said "well I have a girlfriend and I don't cheat. I just do text sex." ouch. and he's been sending me these messages for so long. the problem: I still like him a lot. I know it's terrible that I'm even still talking to him while he has a girlfriend but I don't care. I dont think I'd go as far as to sleep with him while he has a girlfriend but god knows I don't really know what'd happen in that situation. but I don't think it'll come to that. then again, who knows, right? oh. I shouldn't even be thinking about that one.
uhm. I started working at Frederick's of Hollywood like two weeks before thanksgiving. it's good fun. the people I work with are cool. Alayna is my favorite for sure, but she's leaving soon and that bums me out. she works at Hooters also WITH KRISTA. and I was like AH and Krista and I are back in contact and we hung out a little while ago. it was really good to talk to her again. I missed her so much.
India's been super sick lately. my mom took her in to get spayed and it turns out she had like doggy breast cancer so they removed it. well then she got SUPER infected and had to be taken to the emergancy vet place at like 3 AM. if my mom had waited until the next day, India probably would've died. sad sad. they did more surgery and I guess so much of her insides were infected. like the incisions from the surgery were infected, she had eye infections, a vaginal infection, her lymphnodes were fucked up and she was super swollen of the lymphnodes. so they did the surgery and all of the fat pockets on the inside of her legs were infected too so they removed those. they took out all of the infected stuff. and then later went back and did something else. she's much better now. in fact, she's home from the hospital, which is for sure a good thing.
my grandfather, on the other hand, isn't doing well. on christmas, my dad told me that he'd been doing much worse than normal for about a week and it's just gone way way down hill since then. well I guess his kidney's are pretty much shut down. he could die any day now, or he could go on for another few months. they don't know. but I think his doctor's said he won't make it too much longer. god. the one fucking christmas I can't go back, all of this shit happens. if I don't ever see him again, I'll feel horrible about that. dammit. shit is way piling up on me.
first there's the shit with India. then I started school and that's just bad because I hate it. (you wonder why I stopped going? yeah. it's terrible.) my grandfather's doing terribly and probably won't make it much longer. T's dicking me around. I'm breaking out (I know, retarded...). I can't write to save my life, I just have this terrible writer's block.
Becky's here for the bridal show and also for "christmas" which will happen on sunday and also happens to be the 15th of january. whatever. my mom was supposed to come but she's staying with india, which I'm happy for because I couldn't handle seeing her right now. anyway, we tried on bridesmaid's dresses today and I wanted to shoot myself. I'm huge. no joke. I'm huge. the whole day, I barely said a word because I was just grossed out and disgusted and depressed over how I looked. it was bad. so toss that onto the pile of everything.
last night, at work, I called Bonnie to let her know about my grandfather and stuff, snce I hadn't talked to her. well as I'm talking to her on the phone, she's talking to this guy online. sure, he was hot, but you would've thought she could've given me a few moments of undivided attention. is that too much to ask from my best friend? even after I told her that my grandfather could pass away any day now, she seemed so distant and kinda bored with the whole thing. I was really, really bothered by that. sure, it's probably selfish as a mother fucker but it hurt me that she was paying all of her attention to talking to some guy online when I'm telling her this stuff. and then she seemed to get me off the phone as quickly as she could. I dunno. it shouldn't bother me but it does. maybe just because she's my best friend. again, I honestly don't know.
and then the stupidest thing set me off. I was checking online because I was seeing the hours of the bank so I could cash my check tomorrow. well, every bank around here or that I can get to is either closed tomorrow or only open until noon or 2 and they open at 10, which means Rachel couldn't even drop me off on the way to the bridal show. I just got so frusterated to the point where I had to close my laptop and go get in the shower so I could cry without them knowing.
I don't know how I'm not handling this stuff. I should be able to deal with it but I can't. it's bad. I'm crumbling. AGAIN. every time I get to the point where I think that maybe I can handle it, shit piles on me and I fall. I hate this. and yet I let it happen over and over again so I can have some pity party or something. I swear I'm in love with pain and failure. no wonder I have issues, right? I dunno. all of this... it's just weird.
but life is weird. my life... is weird. so maybe that's just the explanation for all of this? yeah. I'll just say that.
maybe it'll help.