(no subject)
there's too much
anger inside me
there's too much
scarring when i bleed
there's too much
therapy i need
there is no god
that i have seen
it's weird how I can so randomly go so long without saying anything. so many times have I thought about, thinking about what I would say. but I've been so empty. my mind is so slow lately. I can't write. I can't seem to do anything. everything just seems so foreign to me.
what's even happened since I was last here? well. I'm obviously home from New Hampshire and I have been for a very long. I hung out with Sean. yeah. I bet I know what you're thinking. but we didn't have sex. would've but he didn't have any condoms and I'm not for that one. Betsy and Bonnie and Cristal are all gone. I miss them. I went to the beach this past weekend with D. I knew from the beginning that we were gonna hook up because I knew he was bringing a lot of alcohol and we were gonna be staying in a hotel. as if something wouldn't happen. so we hooked up and got a noise complaint. well, sort of. in the morning when we checked out, the manager was like "I've gotta ask. why'd you have to wake up the neighbors?" oops. and then he burst out laughing. I was mortified but I suppose it was funny.
but I feel bad about the whole thing. having sex with him wasn't right. we'd just met. sure, we'd been hanging out and talking nonstop for a few hours but still. (and I wasn't drunk, I'll put that one out there. I had ONE shot) I didn't even want to... because he wasn't who I wanted to be with. but I did it anyway because I'm an idiot like that. and then stupid me. in the middle of it at one point, he goes, 'so do you think I'm boyfriend material?' who the HELL asks that question? and who the hell asks that question in the middle of sex?! stupid me, I said yes. what the hell was I supposed to say? ugh. not good. and he's being super clingy now. he dropped me off at my house at like... 1:00 PM yesterday and after that, he called me like five times, e-mailed AND im'ed me. good god. back the hell up for a minute, okay? I feel bad because I don't want a relationship with him. I don't want a relationship with anyone.
liar, liar.
I'm falling way too hard for James. he's fucking perfect for me in every way, he really is. he's hilarious, sweet, loves the same stuff I love, everything about him is perfect. he's admitted to liking me and wanted to hook up with me. he's not a phone kind of guy but we talk on the phone for hours because he says I always have something interesting to say. he's said he would date me but therein lies the problem. James lives in fucking TACOMA. it doesn't work. he's perfect for me and he lives in Tacoma. I hate it. I wish I didn't like him so much too. everytime he calls me, I shiver. everytime he makes some joke about us hooking up, I shiver. I hate that he's like 4 hours away, I really do. I would be with him. he's the only person I'd want a relationship with right now, simply because I like him so much and I know it would be wonderful because we're so much alike.
I really, really hate this.
no wonder I'm so fucked up.
I started school today. I already hate it so much. I hate that I had to get up at 7 AM today, after talking to James until 3:30. the people in my classes... I don't know. I know I've gotta stick this out but it just seems like it's too much. I hate it.
I'm over all of this. I just want everything to be fixed. I have to live with my aunt and uncle. my apartment fell through and I got screwed. my mom gets her pretty little cabin in the woods and I'm just an afterthought. I get pawned off on relatives. I don't want to live with them. I love them but I can't do it. I didn't feel comfortable there, I really didn't. but I don't have a choice. okay. I'm only complaining so I'm stopping now. I'm not sure when I'll write again. I could say that I won't let so much time slip past again but I know I'd by lying, that I won't try to update with frequency. so until then.
one day i'll find what i'm looking for.
anger inside me
there's too much
scarring when i bleed
there's too much
therapy i need
there is no god
that i have seen
it's weird how I can so randomly go so long without saying anything. so many times have I thought about, thinking about what I would say. but I've been so empty. my mind is so slow lately. I can't write. I can't seem to do anything. everything just seems so foreign to me.
what's even happened since I was last here? well. I'm obviously home from New Hampshire and I have been for a very long. I hung out with Sean. yeah. I bet I know what you're thinking. but we didn't have sex. would've but he didn't have any condoms and I'm not for that one. Betsy and Bonnie and Cristal are all gone. I miss them. I went to the beach this past weekend with D. I knew from the beginning that we were gonna hook up because I knew he was bringing a lot of alcohol and we were gonna be staying in a hotel. as if something wouldn't happen. so we hooked up and got a noise complaint. well, sort of. in the morning when we checked out, the manager was like "I've gotta ask. why'd you have to wake up the neighbors?" oops. and then he burst out laughing. I was mortified but I suppose it was funny.
but I feel bad about the whole thing. having sex with him wasn't right. we'd just met. sure, we'd been hanging out and talking nonstop for a few hours but still. (and I wasn't drunk, I'll put that one out there. I had ONE shot) I didn't even want to... because he wasn't who I wanted to be with. but I did it anyway because I'm an idiot like that. and then stupid me. in the middle of it at one point, he goes, 'so do you think I'm boyfriend material?' who the HELL asks that question? and who the hell asks that question in the middle of sex?! stupid me, I said yes. what the hell was I supposed to say? ugh. not good. and he's being super clingy now. he dropped me off at my house at like... 1:00 PM yesterday and after that, he called me like five times, e-mailed AND im'ed me. good god. back the hell up for a minute, okay? I feel bad because I don't want a relationship with him. I don't want a relationship with anyone.
liar, liar.
I'm falling way too hard for James. he's fucking perfect for me in every way, he really is. he's hilarious, sweet, loves the same stuff I love, everything about him is perfect. he's admitted to liking me and wanted to hook up with me. he's not a phone kind of guy but we talk on the phone for hours because he says I always have something interesting to say. he's said he would date me but therein lies the problem. James lives in fucking TACOMA. it doesn't work. he's perfect for me and he lives in Tacoma. I hate it. I wish I didn't like him so much too. everytime he calls me, I shiver. everytime he makes some joke about us hooking up, I shiver. I hate that he's like 4 hours away, I really do. I would be with him. he's the only person I'd want a relationship with right now, simply because I like him so much and I know it would be wonderful because we're so much alike.
I really, really hate this.
no wonder I'm so fucked up.
I started school today. I already hate it so much. I hate that I had to get up at 7 AM today, after talking to James until 3:30. the people in my classes... I don't know. I know I've gotta stick this out but it just seems like it's too much. I hate it.
I'm over all of this. I just want everything to be fixed. I have to live with my aunt and uncle. my apartment fell through and I got screwed. my mom gets her pretty little cabin in the woods and I'm just an afterthought. I get pawned off on relatives. I don't want to live with them. I love them but I can't do it. I didn't feel comfortable there, I really didn't. but I don't have a choice. okay. I'm only complaining so I'm stopping now. I'm not sure when I'll write again. I could say that I won't let so much time slip past again but I know I'd by lying, that I won't try to update with frequency. so until then.
one day i'll find what i'm looking for.