Deja Stew
www.fresnobee.com/263/story/848554.html
A burglar who broke into a home just east of Fresno rubbed food seasoning over the body of one of two men as they slept in their rooms and then used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man on the face and head before running out of the house, Fresno County sheriff's deputies said Saturday. Lt. Ian Burrimond, describing the crime as one of the strangest he's ever heard of, said a suspect was found hiding in a nearby field a few minutes later and taken into custody on suspicion of residential robbery.
"It seems the guy ran out of the house wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks, leaving behind his wallet with his ID," Burrimond said.
The victims, both farmworkers, told deputies they were awakened by a stranger applying "Pappy's Seasoning" to one of them and striking the other with a sausage. Both the spices and the sausage, Burrimond said, reportedly were obtained from the victims' kitchen. After the man fled, the victims discovered the home had been ransacked and that some money was taken, Burrimond said. Burrimond said the money was recovered, but that the piece of sausage used in the attack was discarded by the suspect and eaten by a dog.
"That's right, the dog ate the weapon," Burrimond said, "I tell you, this was one weird case."
CHANGE FOR A BUCK?
So lemme get this straight. Some guy decides to break into a home-which is like, the wussiest of crimes first off-then he decides to not bring a weapon. So that's 2 strikes. Then the ultimate. He strikes a man in the face with a sausage, and rubs food seasoning on the other.
Um....
what?
This is a guy who, for some reason, thought it'd be a good idea to break into a home with no weapon and beat people with meat products. Was he italian? Not only that, but they found the guy left his PANTS. WHY WERE HIS PANTS EVEN OFF?! What was he doing with that sausage besides beating a man with it? *raises quizzical brow*
Yeah. So he also left his wallet, and they found him sitting in a field. Now, I have two theories about this. One possibly more realistic and logical than the second. Actually, the second is more of a statement than a theory really. Okay, so, my theory is that a while back there was a criminal being chased down the street by a cop and to get away, he cut off his dick and threw it at the officer. The entry is entitled "Frankenweenie" I believe, if you wanna peruse the archives searching for it. This guy, and all guys who commit unspeakable acts such as this, are what I call "Crimabees". They're criminal wannabees. They're trying their hardest to be a criminal, but they just can't pull it off, so they do the wussiest most bizarre crimes, because that's what they know will get them in the news.
And this leads to my 2nd argument. Or my statement rather. How is it that news such as this, by these Crimabees, makes the headlines when things like a presidential election or war is going on? Aren't there more interesting stories to publish besides a man beating with meat?
Wait that came out wrong.
It just befuddles me so that you'd never know what will make the news. I could, for example, run out of this building right now wearing nothing, go shit on a swing set, and then eat it. And THAT would make the news. It would also make me seem incredibly stupid. Which is what would make the article that much more interesting. It would also require me to see a dentist/doctor IMMEDIATELY afterwards. Americans love to watch things they don't have to focus too hard on. This is the reason behind Reality TV that depicts no reality, or news stories like this that are just as immature as 7th....sorry, ALL graders. We love to watch stupid criminals or stupid stunts. Why do you think "Jackass" or "Worlds Funniest Home Videos" or "Planets Funniest Animals" have made it so far? Because this is the crap we have become accustomed to. Just as the government doesn't want straight forward thinking Americans, capable of knowing how bad things are, Americans want bad TV they know they don't have to follow and won't make them think, so they don't feel stupid. The government scratches our back by giving us this garbage, and we scratch their back by staying stupid and uninformed.
Wow, that was actually a pretty good argument.
But nontheless, it doesn't mean I don't love this guy. He's now officially my favorite criminal of all time. Well, next to Nixon.
m@rk wil@nd
A burglar who broke into a home just east of Fresno rubbed food seasoning over the body of one of two men as they slept in their rooms and then used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man on the face and head before running out of the house, Fresno County sheriff's deputies said Saturday. Lt. Ian Burrimond, describing the crime as one of the strangest he's ever heard of, said a suspect was found hiding in a nearby field a few minutes later and taken into custody on suspicion of residential robbery.
"It seems the guy ran out of the house wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks, leaving behind his wallet with his ID," Burrimond said.
The victims, both farmworkers, told deputies they were awakened by a stranger applying "Pappy's Seasoning" to one of them and striking the other with a sausage. Both the spices and the sausage, Burrimond said, reportedly were obtained from the victims' kitchen. After the man fled, the victims discovered the home had been ransacked and that some money was taken, Burrimond said. Burrimond said the money was recovered, but that the piece of sausage used in the attack was discarded by the suspect and eaten by a dog.
"That's right, the dog ate the weapon," Burrimond said, "I tell you, this was one weird case."
CHANGE FOR A BUCK?
So lemme get this straight. Some guy decides to break into a home-which is like, the wussiest of crimes first off-then he decides to not bring a weapon. So that's 2 strikes. Then the ultimate. He strikes a man in the face with a sausage, and rubs food seasoning on the other.
Um....
what?
This is a guy who, for some reason, thought it'd be a good idea to break into a home with no weapon and beat people with meat products. Was he italian? Not only that, but they found the guy left his PANTS. WHY WERE HIS PANTS EVEN OFF?! What was he doing with that sausage besides beating a man with it? *raises quizzical brow*
Yeah. So he also left his wallet, and they found him sitting in a field. Now, I have two theories about this. One possibly more realistic and logical than the second. Actually, the second is more of a statement than a theory really. Okay, so, my theory is that a while back there was a criminal being chased down the street by a cop and to get away, he cut off his dick and threw it at the officer. The entry is entitled "Frankenweenie" I believe, if you wanna peruse the archives searching for it. This guy, and all guys who commit unspeakable acts such as this, are what I call "Crimabees". They're criminal wannabees. They're trying their hardest to be a criminal, but they just can't pull it off, so they do the wussiest most bizarre crimes, because that's what they know will get them in the news.
And this leads to my 2nd argument. Or my statement rather. How is it that news such as this, by these Crimabees, makes the headlines when things like a presidential election or war is going on? Aren't there more interesting stories to publish besides a man beating with meat?
Wait that came out wrong.
It just befuddles me so that you'd never know what will make the news. I could, for example, run out of this building right now wearing nothing, go shit on a swing set, and then eat it. And THAT would make the news. It would also make me seem incredibly stupid. Which is what would make the article that much more interesting. It would also require me to see a dentist/doctor IMMEDIATELY afterwards. Americans love to watch things they don't have to focus too hard on. This is the reason behind Reality TV that depicts no reality, or news stories like this that are just as immature as 7th....sorry, ALL graders. We love to watch stupid criminals or stupid stunts. Why do you think "Jackass" or "Worlds Funniest Home Videos" or "Planets Funniest Animals" have made it so far? Because this is the crap we have become accustomed to. Just as the government doesn't want straight forward thinking Americans, capable of knowing how bad things are, Americans want bad TV they know they don't have to follow and won't make them think, so they don't feel stupid. The government scratches our back by giving us this garbage, and we scratch their back by staying stupid and uninformed.
Wow, that was actually a pretty good argument.
But nontheless, it doesn't mean I don't love this guy. He's now officially my favorite criminal of all time. Well, next to Nixon.
m@rk wil@nd