Ahh...a free moment.
Well, hello. Long time, no talk. It has been awhile.
I have a hard time coming back to this thing and writing. For so long this was the only thing that seemed to help me. I wrote every little thought, good and bad. Since all that shit a while ago, life seems tame. Like, I have nothing to write about. I don't completely hate myself anymore, I don't want everything to end. I don't want to try to hack myself to shreds, I don't want to cry and scream and lay in the dark for hours listening to depressing tunes. I just want life to be well, life. I understand now that life is good and bad, beautiful and ugly. And that nothing turns out as you plan.
I think part of myself will always be bruised from what I went through. I think I will always have an ache in my heart when I think of that time. It's still hard to talk about it, I get choked up and cry. Depression is so common, but yet it effects people in so many different ways. Some don't even make it through. If I would have had my way, I would have just vanished. I didn't have the balls to off myself then, and I don't think I ever will. I would have just let myself lead a meaningless existence until I just tapered off...not thinking of anything but my own misery.
I have changed so much since then...I don't strive for perfection anymore. I let myself fuck up from time to time without a guilt trip (a necessity in order to make it through life). I still don't do anything that I don't want to....which I am finding out turns into selfishness. From time to time, I guess I have to do things I may not want to for the sake of others.
I am kinda pissed at myself. One of the many negative aspects of myself is that I tend to let friendships get sucked down the drain. I never answer my phone (which leads me to ask myself why I even have a cell phone (?), I never call anyone. If I randomly run into you, or have set plans...thats the only way I am seen by friends other then the tight knit clan that always surrounds me. I start to feel guilty sometimes...when I sit and think about it. At times, I blame it on growing up. I blame it on school and work and priorities. I don't like to blame it on being 21 and being a frequent patron of bars (because I have so much fun when I am out). I blame it on being at a different place in life then some of my other friends. I blame it on growing up. In my head, these are justified reasons as to why I slip into obscurity. In my heart, I want things to be like they were before. With tons of different friends, and tons of different things to do, when no one had to worry about anything. Now, I see as school and work and bars and relationships and a trillion other things come into life that somethings just get put on the back burner. It still sucks, eh? Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself, eh? While I have things going on, so do others. Friendship is a two-way street...impossible to be carried on only be a single person. I understand now that I don't need to talk to my friends everyday to let them know that I care and that I am there for them. True friends are always there, no matter what. I hope that my pals know that I am here...even though maybe not in the flesh...but still here. I truly love you all. <3
One specific person I feel the need to give a shout-out to is Danielle: Still my fave cousin and my fave friend. It's been a while since we talked/hung out. I don't want you to think I forgot about you or don't care anymore...because I most definitely do. And I miss you so! Life has been busy (lame excuse maybe, but the truth) lately and I know that life is going to get busy for you too. I am excited for ya though...school and a job. It's time to embrace adulthood head on. Sounds shitty, and sometimes it is, but it has its fun moments too. Just promise me one thing: you will go into all this with a positive attitude. It will reap greater benefits. One more thing, you are such a great person with even a greater heart. I love you cuzzy! Call me soon or I will hunt you down through Shane's phone! :-)
Dammit, I am unemployed, on a break from school for a few months and left with my thoughts. Maybe thats what I need...a reality check. If you take away school, work, social life, etc, whats left? I think I need to think about that while I have some time.
Thats all for the moment, my head hurts.
<3
I have a hard time coming back to this thing and writing. For so long this was the only thing that seemed to help me. I wrote every little thought, good and bad. Since all that shit a while ago, life seems tame. Like, I have nothing to write about. I don't completely hate myself anymore, I don't want everything to end. I don't want to try to hack myself to shreds, I don't want to cry and scream and lay in the dark for hours listening to depressing tunes. I just want life to be well, life. I understand now that life is good and bad, beautiful and ugly. And that nothing turns out as you plan.
I think part of myself will always be bruised from what I went through. I think I will always have an ache in my heart when I think of that time. It's still hard to talk about it, I get choked up and cry. Depression is so common, but yet it effects people in so many different ways. Some don't even make it through. If I would have had my way, I would have just vanished. I didn't have the balls to off myself then, and I don't think I ever will. I would have just let myself lead a meaningless existence until I just tapered off...not thinking of anything but my own misery.
I have changed so much since then...I don't strive for perfection anymore. I let myself fuck up from time to time without a guilt trip (a necessity in order to make it through life). I still don't do anything that I don't want to....which I am finding out turns into selfishness. From time to time, I guess I have to do things I may not want to for the sake of others.
I am kinda pissed at myself. One of the many negative aspects of myself is that I tend to let friendships get sucked down the drain. I never answer my phone (which leads me to ask myself why I even have a cell phone (?), I never call anyone. If I randomly run into you, or have set plans...thats the only way I am seen by friends other then the tight knit clan that always surrounds me. I start to feel guilty sometimes...when I sit and think about it. At times, I blame it on growing up. I blame it on school and work and priorities. I don't like to blame it on being 21 and being a frequent patron of bars (because I have so much fun when I am out). I blame it on being at a different place in life then some of my other friends. I blame it on growing up. In my head, these are justified reasons as to why I slip into obscurity. In my heart, I want things to be like they were before. With tons of different friends, and tons of different things to do, when no one had to worry about anything. Now, I see as school and work and bars and relationships and a trillion other things come into life that somethings just get put on the back burner. It still sucks, eh? Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself, eh? While I have things going on, so do others. Friendship is a two-way street...impossible to be carried on only be a single person. I understand now that I don't need to talk to my friends everyday to let them know that I care and that I am there for them. True friends are always there, no matter what. I hope that my pals know that I am here...even though maybe not in the flesh...but still here. I truly love you all. <3
One specific person I feel the need to give a shout-out to is Danielle: Still my fave cousin and my fave friend. It's been a while since we talked/hung out. I don't want you to think I forgot about you or don't care anymore...because I most definitely do. And I miss you so! Life has been busy (lame excuse maybe, but the truth) lately and I know that life is going to get busy for you too. I am excited for ya though...school and a job. It's time to embrace adulthood head on. Sounds shitty, and sometimes it is, but it has its fun moments too. Just promise me one thing: you will go into all this with a positive attitude. It will reap greater benefits. One more thing, you are such a great person with even a greater heart. I love you cuzzy! Call me soon or I will hunt you down through Shane's phone! :-)
Dammit, I am unemployed, on a break from school for a few months and left with my thoughts. Maybe thats what I need...a reality check. If you take away school, work, social life, etc, whats left? I think I need to think about that while I have some time.
Thats all for the moment, my head hurts.
<3