Well I am a writer of sorts
Oh did I tell you I wrote a story? I asked a friend of mine for an idea and she said a guy watching his wife die. So I wrote this little ditty.
Could I have done more for her? Of course I could have. But now…now what. Now it’s the end. For her it’s the end, but it makes it the end for me too. I can only sit here and hold her hand. Her cold, sallow hand that still bears the ring I presented to her on that snowy December day.
It almost makes me laugh. Her hand was cold that day too. But she was so happy. When it began to snow that morning she called me, she was so excited. She had dreamed of getting married in the snow. She didn’t see much snow back home, but when she moved up here with me for my job…well it snows a lot up here. She loved the snow…
How am I supposed to feel at a time like this? People keep calling, coming by. “Hey how are you holding up?” “Hey man wanna talk about it?” “She’ll be okay, technology these days…” They’re trying I know. Work calls, they sent a card. Well, that’s something I guess. Some of them have come by. We used to have dinner parties. We would both invite friends from work. She loved it, dressing up, preparing the meal, hosting get togethers. She lived for people, especially for me.
But now she’s leaving me. I would rather have her leave me for another man than this. I could take that. At least then I know she would be happy, even if…well if she left me there would at least be a chance. Now what is there?
I hope, no I pray she’ll be in a better place. Maybe I should have gone to church more. I just never had any use for it. She didn’t attend often. On holidays mostly. Those services, heh, I look back on it now thinking about how long and boring they were. All the sitting, then standing, then kneeling, then standing. I never knew when to do what. But we would hold hands the entire time. The only times we didn’t is if they were clasped in prayer.
Her hair is so short now. She had cut it all off to donate it to charity. It was weird to think that some kid out there has my wife’s hair. I wonder if it would still smell like hers does. Probably not. She has such a distinctive smell. Even now in this hospital I can still catch the faint linger of her scent. I love the way she smells.
She picked something from Bath & Body Works. That was always her favorite store. She loved…loves linen. She loves linen. I remember when we first moved in together. She insisted that before we went to bed we washed the sheets and dried them. She didn’t want to put on sheets that were in the closet. She wanted to wash and dry new ones for our first night side by side in our home.
I don’t think I can do it. I can’t go on without her. If she’s gone, if there’s no chance…what…what would be the point? The first time I saw her I knew right then that I would never feel that way about anyone else. I didn’t even see her face the first time either. I was leaving the mall of all places. She was walking in through the glass doors. It was a bright sunny day that first time. It was so bright outside the light blinded me. All I could see was her form. The way she walked, the way she carried herself. She was running her left hand through her hair as she entered. When she came closer to me I was too captivated just by her silhouette to speak. I didn’t even know what to say. I even tripped over my own two feet. I didn’t fall but there was an obvious stumble. I could see her laugh a bit, and I thought that I caught the gleam of a smile from her flawless white teeth.
Love at first sight? Really? Yeah it was. It was for me. I asked her if she remembered that day. Heh, she did. She remembered the guy who tripped over his own feet with his mouth open while staring at her. I made up for that moment though. I never gave up, I never stopped hoping then. So I can’t stop hoping now.
I think I might be a little obsessed with my wife.
I’ve seen her still before. When she’s reading she’s very quiet. She has to have complete silence when she’s getting into a book. She’s active too, but when she’s still, when she’s quiet, she’s a statue. She told me that when she was young her parents were the quiet types. But she became so outgoing. She will talk to anyone. A couple had a kid in front of us at the store and she found out their entire life story while we were at Wal-Mart. People love her and I can see why. She’s so…
She cares too much. I should have been with her. I shouldn’t have let her go alone that night. Why…why did I? But she had to make sure that her friend…her stupid friend. If she hadn’t…no, no, she wouldn’t…she wouldn’t want me to blame someone else. She wouldn’t want me to wish someone else were in her place. Her heart is too big for that. She’d…she’d never forgive me…no, she…she would. She’s…
She’s going to be fine. Someday we’ll look back at this and we’ll laugh. Wrly, but still we’ll be together and we’ll be happy and laughing… The doctor said there was a chance. As long as there’s a chance there’s hope. And he said there was a chance. The odds aren’t in our favor, but…but miracles happen. They’ll happen for her. She’s too…she’s too…
She couldn’t die. Not like this. God wouldn’t do this, not to her. She might not be a saint, she might not be perfect, but to me she is. She’s my saint. She saved me from where I was at. If it wasn’t for her I might not be here right now. When I left the mall that day I left with…I just wouldn’t be here today if I hadn’t gone back for her. That light that she blinded me with saved me from my own darkness and now…I won’t let her go. Till death do us part is not enough time. I can’t let you go.
Would you want me to? If…if you don’t…if I have to…what would you want? I will do anything you ask, just please open your eyes and tell me. Please tell me. I’ll do anything, I swear.
I-I have to calm down. She wouldn’t want me hysterical. She’d pat me on the shoulder, she’d look into my eyes and she would just mouth the words calm down. Her warm breath would brush my face. I would get pulled into her gaze and the world would just be right. She makes the world right. She makes my world right. What would I do without you?
I’m here. Shhhh. Do you want some water? Of course, of course. No I haven’t been here long. You’re right I am lying. I’ve been here since I six. No, I took today off from work, I-I wanted to be here. I know. I love you too. I-what’s wrong? Wait what’s wrong? Oh my God! I need a doctor! Quick, nurse, someone please!
So enjoy that!