Be Loved (IWTMYFB) Chapter 23b
Sehun didn’t consider himself an addict, per se, but he was definitely starting to develop an eye twitch as he sipped his fourth cup of coffee.
It was a necessary evil, though. He’d finally started to make some headway in the commission for the resort, his inspiration flowing freely. Sleep was hard to come by as he’d taken to working through the night and into the early morning, only catching a couple of hours around dawn, so coffee had become his life support. It was a nasty habit and it might end up doing him more harm than good in the long run but…he figured the money he was making from the deal would more the compensate for any ill effects. Well…at least he hoped so.
He was taking a break before starting a fresh painting, a colorful cluster of sea shells, when the doorbell rang. Luhan was out running errands so he rose to answer the door.
“I think he’s cheating on me.”
If Sehun hadn’t already been stunned at finding Jongin on his doorstep then the first words out of his mouth would definitely have frozen him to the spot.
Before he had a chance to react or respond, Jongin pushed past him and into the house, leaving Sehun to shake off his daze and close the door behind him.
“Um…” He cleared his throat and tried again. “What?”
“You heard me,” Jongin bit out, pacing the foyer. “I’ve thought about it, tried to look at the situation from every side, and it’s the only logical conclusion. You were right. You tried to warn me but I messed up and it turns out you were right. He’s found someone else.”
A frisson of fear shot through Sehun, settling in a cold burn in his stomach. “Why do you say that?”
Jongin stopped his pacing and met Sehun’s eyes with anguished ones. “I had him followed.”
Sehun’s mouth fell open in shock, his mind racing, thinking about all the things that Jongin could have seen or found out about.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Jongin hurried to explain. “It’s an invasion of privacy and trust me, it was a last resort, but I felt like I had to. I’m losing him and I don’t know why. Or, as the case might be, to whom.”
Sehun frowned at the last bit. “So…you don’t know for sure that he’s cheating?”
“Well…” Jongin paused. “I haven’t actually seen him with anyone. I’ve only had the investigator on his trail for three weeks now and when he’s not here, he’s usually running errands, for you or home. When he’s out he’s with you or by himself but…what other explanation is there?”
“I…don’t know?”
Jongin reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, lighting one even as he asked, “You mind?”
Sehun’s brows disappeared beneath his bangs in surprise. “Since when do you smoke?”
Jongin dragged deep on the stick before replying. “Usually I limit myself to cigars, only the finest you know, but lately with the stress from work and this…feeling that something is going on with Luhan that I just can’t shake, this helps take the edge off a lot better.”
“You’re going down a dangerous path there, hyung,” Sehun warned.
“I know but… I just know it. I can feel it. Something’s wrong. I’m losing him. Assuming I haven’t already.”
Sehun crossed his arms over his chest. “Want to explain to me how or why you feel that way?”
“You got anything to drink?”
Sehun nodded, leading the way to the kitchen. He poured Jongin three fingers of brandy and got him settled at the counter, waiting patiently for him to begin.
“The last time we chatted, I told you that this job had basically taken over his life, right? And I have to admit, I was a little jealous. I was so used to having him around, his being there at my beck and call, that I hated having to share him, even if it was just with a career. Eventually I realized how hypocritical that was of me given how dedicated I am to my own work and I tried, I swear I did, not to let it get to me. And I’m happy for him, you know. I can see how much he loves working for you, how it’s raised his confidence and given him purpose. It made me realize just how stifling being at home the past couple of years must have been for him. I thought, wrongly it seemed, that living in the lap of luxury was everyone’s dream but I can admit now that there are a lot of things I didn’t know about Luhan. Things that I still don’t and I only have myself to blame for that. Our relationship went from 0 to 60 in seconds and once we came to Seoul and I went back to work, I began to take him for granted. I’d given him everything he could ever want, materially at least, and I saw no reason why he wouldn’t be satisfied with that. I didn’t really know him and that was my mistake. I just made a lot of assumptions based on my own thoughts and views and never took into account that his might differ. It’s too late now but I can see that I essentially doomed us from the moment we began. Maybe if he was a more assertive, strong-willed person we would’ve had a better sense of each other earlier on. Or maybe we would’ve butted heads and things would’ve ended ages ago. But I love his gentle nature, you know. Coming from the kind of household that I grew up in, it was refreshing to meet someone so pure and innocent, unjaded and undemanding as he is. Was. I fear I may have ruined him in some way, tainted him with my fuckedupness.”
“I think he’s still pure and innocent, etc, just not as naïve perhaps,” Sehun said softly.
Jongin nodded. “That’s good. I haven’t shown him the best sides of me. There were times…”
He looked down at his glass, his voice trailing off, and Sehun’s hands curled into the counter as his imagination took flight, filling in the gaps.
“It’s a wonder he hasn’t already left me, let’s put it that way.”
“Hyung…what’s happened recently to make you think that he’s cheating?”
Jongin sighed. “Nothing. That’s exactly it. Before….before he would look at me and I would see how sad he was, how disappointed. Even if he didn’t say how he felt, I could see on his face that he was upset, that I wasn’t living up to his expectations or whatever. I could see that he cared.”
Sehun frowned. “But he does still care for you.”
“I know that but it’s different now. He doesn’t wait up for me when I come home late from work. He doesn’t call to find out if I’ve eaten or to tell me to be safe on the road and when he does, it sounds so…impersonal. Automatic. The way he looks at me, his voice when he speaks…it’s like a friend. Like you and I. We share a bed but we haven’t touched each other in months.”
Though he knew it was inappropriate, Sehun breathed a mental sigh of relief at that little tidbit. Though he’d never asked Luhan, and admittedly never would, a part of him had always wondered just how intimate the two had continued to be since he and Luhan and begun their relationship. A weight was lifted off his shoulder now that he knew that he hadn’t actually been sharing Luhan with Jongin, at least not physically.
“I would kill just to have him kiss me, to touch me affectionately, to give me some sign that he still loves me.”
“I’m sure he does,” Sehun assured him and it wasn’t just lip-service. He knew Luhan’s heart and knew that the reason he stayed with Jongin was because he still loved and cared for the man. Whether he was in love with him, Sehun couldn’t say.
“Maybe but I don’t think it’s in the way that I want him to. I have no one to blame but myself, of course. It happened right before my very eyes and I did nothing to stop it. I let him slip away. You warned me and I didn’t listen, didn’t make enough of an effort to keep him. And now it’s probably too late.”
“Hyung…” Sehun chose his words carefully. “I understand why you feel the way you do but you still haven’t said why you think Luhan’s cheating on you.”
“I guess… I need a reason. Something to explain why he stopped trying. No matter how bad things got, he never gave up on me. He would still reach out, still do something to let me know that he had hope for us, that he wanted us to work. Now, it’s like he’s accepted that we’re done, things are never getting better, and he seems…content. He actually seems happy despite the fact that our home life is shit. The only way that makes sense is if he’s found what he needs elsewhere.”
“Do you have any proof?” Sehun queried casually, trying not to let his interest show. There’d been times when he and Luhan had gone out where he’d slipped and let his affections show a bit more strongly than was wise, holding Luhan’s hand tightly or giving into the urge to kiss him. He’d never thought twice about it before but now, he had to admit that it had been dangerous. As much as he wanted Jongin to find out about him and Luhan, he would still prefer to tell him man-to-man. It was only because of Luhan that he hadn’t already done so. It was hard, having to watch Luhan leave every day, which was why he gave into devious urges on occasion, like the day he’d wanted to make love to Luhan in Jongin’s pool. Truthfully, he’d wanted to fuck Luhan on every surface in every room of the house, leaving his mark there without Jongin’s knowledge, but it would’ve been petty and immature and he knew he would’ve regretted it afterwards.
“No. Just a feeling. My investigator did say he bought a watch a couple of weeks ago at a jewelry store. Some pricey piece that he had inscribed, though the clerk wouldn’t tell him exactly what it said. It wasn’t for me so… Who did he give it to?”
“Huh…”
Jongin looked at Sehun in question. “What?”
“Be right back.”
Sehun raced upstairs to his room, grabbed a box from his dressing table, then returned to the kitchen, handing it to Jongin.
Jongin opened it, his eyes widening when he saw the ornate, silver watch inside.
“He said it was a thank you/congratulatory gift,” Sehun explained. “For giving him this job and for the huge deal I signed with the resort. He wanted to take me out to dinner, both of you actually, but he said that the merger or whatever you’re working on was taking up most of your time and he didn’t want to be a bother. He sounded really worried that you over-working yourself.”
Jongin dropped his head onto the counter. “I’m an idiot.”
Yes, Sehun thought, the lingering tension finally draining from his stomach, but not about this.
“I think you need a break, hyung,” he said instead. “I can see why Luhan is worried about you. You’re very tightly wound.”
Jongin raised his head and took a sip of his drink. “Every time I think I see the light at the end of this tunnel, some new issue comes up. Rich people have way too much time on their hands. They’re so finicky.”
Sehun cocked a pointed brow at Jongin.
“Hey, their money is on a way different level than mine. I’m a tadpole compared to them.”
“Swimming ever upward.”
“That’s the plan.”
“Don’t let them kill you on the way up, hyung.”
“I’m trying to stay afloat. Trust me.”
They fell into silence then, Jongin lost in thought and Sehun feeling like the worst sort of heel. He was a shitty person, he truly was. He loved Luhan and though he didn’t regret a moment they’d shared together, he’d never thought he would feel so bad seeing Jongin the way he was now. He could only imagine how much worse it was going to be once Jongin found out the truth.
“I’d better get back before my phone starts ringing,” Jongin said, breaking the quiet. “They send out a search party if I leave my desk to go take a leak.”
Sehun smiled half-heartedly. “Fighting, hyung.”
Jongin raised his fist in a limp motion of strength. “Fighting.”
Sehun walked his friend to the door, leaning his back against it after he’d said goodbye.
“You’re a horrible person, Oh Sehun,” he muttered.
They’d dodged a bullet this time but the next time they might not be so lucky. Jongin’s visit was a reminder that no matter how idyllic their trysts might seem on occasion, it was still temporary. It was only a matter of time before the walls closed in and their manmade paradise came crashing down around them.