I shall tell ye a tale, Of how I Loved and how I Failed...
My recent hunt for student summer employment has been quite the tedious task. I have yet to hear from the Camp Counseling but in the meantime I've managed to attain a 2nd, steady part-time job 5 mins away from home. I shall see how everything comes together, balancing that and the Butcher Shoppe. Saving for Europe next year starts now.
Dave and I have come to the conclusion that Mike suffers from a mental condition. The man just bought a new Jeep again. A huge loss on his behalf considering he just bought a new car last year, but that's what happens when a man is driven by simple, shiny things and likes labor. I won't even bring his woman into the matter but the bottom line is the fact that a problem exists with him the most. Dave's been alright, up for jamming, no more of that video game bullshit and as for Katja, I think she is controlled by that cunt of a manager, cheap thrills and dancing on a near daily basis, and then her memory is fried when she comes to rehearsals, and acts all innocent + clueless. Ugh. I'll have to lay a few things on the line and address a few matters in the coming weeks. This has got to change. I don't look forward to it but another choice/option may not be available: Take matters into my own hands (as usual)
I've recently met with a pretty, friendly face from the past a few weeks ago. Twas splendid to catch up and reminiscent but alas I felt there was some closure. Prior to that, everything happened so suddenly and fast, even though it's ancient history, there is some ease on my behalf. A person realizes how strong someone really is and how once upon a time it meant something great and mattered.
York released the final grades last week. The last few exams miay have fucked me up. Overall, nothing below a B, above average, but no straight A's either. I can certainly live with this and am continuing in Honours but alas, nothing to be overtly proud of.
So the Doctor said I might be a bit full of myself. Imagine that.
That summer night still feels so long ago. Angst ridden on a voyage like never before, in smite and revenge as I imagined at the time. Now you'd know...this is what it feels like. Wrong. As ye clutched at me in faint whimpers of concern and disgust, more animal than man twas I. The feeling still plagues me to this very day, possibly the deadliest demon that has ever devoured me. It was a matter of trust more than anything, in any relationship and I had doubted but looking back into this storm of thoughts that enshrouds me every few moons, I never trusted anyone else as much. Much is different now but deep within the depths, submerged, there calls a crevice where I fear more so is still the same. The entire day after a cloud hovered above me, drenching me in shame, absolute self-disgust and regret. That day has become a lifetime. That cloud, the very heaven and sky I creep beneath, the air I inhale through my dreaded nostrils. At that point I knew I hit rock bottom. But no, it didn't stop there. I paid for it indeed, surely, dearly, yet the plague persists mercilessly to this day. You are gone but not forgotten and I like to think at times that I am greater for having lost you. Surely, the countless others.
The Cocaine Memoirs~~~
The line has been drawn.
Differences exist. I can never be built into someone. I have no value or care towards human life once again. Human? Beings? The lowest form of life on earth. Materialistic, self-concerned, greedy, envious , visually drawn cowards who just want a quick fix and laugh. It still amazes me how people can claim they “know” you. They expect too much too soon, there is no more effort, initiative and patience. Some people are too easy that way. I see livestock. Heaps of flesh scattered and festering to and fro, believing prevalence onward is the path chosen and being trod, yet they are running around in circles, inevitably returning to the starting point, the center. But as Derrida would argue, that center is not fixed and what was originally the center is now non-existent. Hence, they are in flux or not moving at all, back to the beginning. Just when the slave is released from bondage they are met with another, far enduring set of chains. When one thinks the wall has been broken down and they have deciphered a man completely, one is tossed into a far more complex labyrinth and the walls are magnified more so than the preceding ones. The process then repeats. One never knows nor is ever complete.
“The higher we soar, the smaller we appear to those without wings”
-F. Nietschze (and no, I'm not your typical Nietschze praising whore)
Need you
Dream you
Find you
Taste you
Fuck you
Use you
Scar you
Break you
Lose me
Hate me
Smash me
Erase me
Kill me.
So few words can say and summarize so much.
This is it Marty. I've officially stopped giving a shit about certain matters and individuals in my life or those who in some way have revolved around it. I've spent plenty sleepless nights immersed in troubled thought and depression when such people and matters aren't worth a single fucking minute or breath. These dreadful dreams still torment me. A fixed focus, with or without you. Maybe it really was me, maybe not, perhaps a mixed composition, I don't really know and frankly at this point it doesn't matter in the slightest way. I am becoming. A point of no return. Gone for good. Where is not important, so let's say set a sail to Bavaria. For now is the moment I have stood from this chair, destroyed the machine, put on my garments and walked out the door.
And from this moment on, you know nothing.