The Persistance of Loss and the Evil Ways of a Heartless Brute....
My situation is/was simple. I'm not the type to change myself for anyone unless they have substantial evidence and i for one know if something is out of control per se. I've become harder than fucking steel. The impenetrable forest. Nothing can stop me now. We both wish to remain friends and bandmates.
Friends can contribute greatly to many struggles. You'd be surprised how often they can fuel the fire, burn the bridge behind your back. People talk and they talk, out of boredom, jealousy, fuck knows what else. When one is succumb to this, the mind starts to wander and scopes perimeters beyond the norm. All of her friends are in their mid 20s at least and seem to be going nowhere, cleaning fucking Jewish houses as maids, clubbing in some drug negro districts, hanging aloof in front of coffee houses engaging in meaningless conversations (since when did Tim Hortons parking lot become a nightclub???) no education or long term visions or goals, she's constantly surrounded by that circle of lifeless snakes and has the nerve to assume that I do her wrong, break trust, suffer addiction and all this nonsense. When you're surrounded by a circle of snakes with no goals or direction, i can only hope the person will realize who these people are, what they have to offer, if there is any "good" inside of them.
One can use against me that I've engaged in so and so substance(s), not even necessarily to the point of excess but just the thought of the act/engagement itself, immediately one assumes DRUG ADDICT! I do not suffer terminal boredom. I have activties and aims in life which i plan on fulfilling, people I care for and will continue doing so, loving. I can not promise i will never do such things again. Simply for the reason that I've never felt in danger or threatened by it, same with the people I love around me. It could be 6 months before I do smoke or w/e again or it could be 6 years.
I have never reached such a low point in my life and never intend to do so. Furthermore, I simply cannot quite change a few things about myself...yet it depends on the habit, the constance of it and for whom. I am strong but perhaps one can view negatively the fact that i can have a hard time saying no to close friends i trust (unless they offer me heroine-suicide or some other extreme bullshit i'd never allow myself to partake in regardless of whom is there). Otherwise, Polish company, vodka, greens, snow, every now and then on the occasion, why not, right? Then someone says they don't TRUST you, as if youre fucking spending entire paychecks and doing it every other day. Being in the realm of rock n roll, you get alot of stuff for free, and people "expect" you to do certain things, as if it's your ROLE to play, like some mandatory act or job. With me, expect the unexpected. Control is the key.
Perhaps one can argue i still need to mature. Does such a concept even exist? Do we ever reach a point of maturity where we can flourish never more? Or is it a never ending quest of enlightenment?
Do we know when we've reached that point?
Again, I have never been addicted to anything in my life (other than music), never to the point of utmost dependancy and it affecting my loved ones and myself negatively. Some people would never forgive me for it and so i do not wish to ever venture into such depths. Now considering the variety and amount of substances I've engaged with in the past throughout my musical carreer thus far as well as teenage years, I should've been addicted. I should've fucking died. I should be dead. I'm not. I am still here, built for speed to face what is real.
As long as one has a head on their shoulders i believe you can control yourself. I for one am fascinated with the human mind, the body, the senses, the conciousness, the subconciousness and how they can all relate to one another. I can be productive both creatively and mentally in a sober state as well as in a substance induced state. Sometimes one result is better than the other sometimes not but regardless, they comparison and experience is what captiviates me.
The greatest poets, writers, painters, artists, philosophers and musicians throughout history have been using substances as an aid in their work and enlightenment.
Remember, there is a difference between using and abusing.
Burn, baby burn.
Friends can contribute greatly to many struggles. You'd be surprised how often they can fuel the fire, burn the bridge behind your back. People talk and they talk, out of boredom, jealousy, fuck knows what else. When one is succumb to this, the mind starts to wander and scopes perimeters beyond the norm. All of her friends are in their mid 20s at least and seem to be going nowhere, cleaning fucking Jewish houses as maids, clubbing in some drug negro districts, hanging aloof in front of coffee houses engaging in meaningless conversations (since when did Tim Hortons parking lot become a nightclub???) no education or long term visions or goals, she's constantly surrounded by that circle of lifeless snakes and has the nerve to assume that I do her wrong, break trust, suffer addiction and all this nonsense. When you're surrounded by a circle of snakes with no goals or direction, i can only hope the person will realize who these people are, what they have to offer, if there is any "good" inside of them.
One can use against me that I've engaged in so and so substance(s), not even necessarily to the point of excess but just the thought of the act/engagement itself, immediately one assumes DRUG ADDICT! I do not suffer terminal boredom. I have activties and aims in life which i plan on fulfilling, people I care for and will continue doing so, loving. I can not promise i will never do such things again. Simply for the reason that I've never felt in danger or threatened by it, same with the people I love around me. It could be 6 months before I do smoke or w/e again or it could be 6 years.
I have never reached such a low point in my life and never intend to do so. Furthermore, I simply cannot quite change a few things about myself...yet it depends on the habit, the constance of it and for whom. I am strong but perhaps one can view negatively the fact that i can have a hard time saying no to close friends i trust (unless they offer me heroine-suicide or some other extreme bullshit i'd never allow myself to partake in regardless of whom is there). Otherwise, Polish company, vodka, greens, snow, every now and then on the occasion, why not, right? Then someone says they don't TRUST you, as if youre fucking spending entire paychecks and doing it every other day. Being in the realm of rock n roll, you get alot of stuff for free, and people "expect" you to do certain things, as if it's your ROLE to play, like some mandatory act or job. With me, expect the unexpected. Control is the key.
Perhaps one can argue i still need to mature. Does such a concept even exist? Do we ever reach a point of maturity where we can flourish never more? Or is it a never ending quest of enlightenment?
Do we know when we've reached that point?
Again, I have never been addicted to anything in my life (other than music), never to the point of utmost dependancy and it affecting my loved ones and myself negatively. Some people would never forgive me for it and so i do not wish to ever venture into such depths. Now considering the variety and amount of substances I've engaged with in the past throughout my musical carreer thus far as well as teenage years, I should've been addicted. I should've fucking died. I should be dead. I'm not. I am still here, built for speed to face what is real.
As long as one has a head on their shoulders i believe you can control yourself. I for one am fascinated with the human mind, the body, the senses, the conciousness, the subconciousness and how they can all relate to one another. I can be productive both creatively and mentally in a sober state as well as in a substance induced state. Sometimes one result is better than the other sometimes not but regardless, they comparison and experience is what captiviates me.
The greatest poets, writers, painters, artists, philosophers and musicians throughout history have been using substances as an aid in their work and enlightenment.
Remember, there is a difference between using and abusing.
Burn, baby burn.