Prozac?
Uhh...I've probably said a bunch of this shit before, but its just how I feel...again...or maybe I never stopped feeling it...whatever...just deal
Yeah so...I can't really afford thearpy anymore, or anything else for that matter, so I'm just going to do all my whining here and hope for the best. If you don't like whining you probably don't want to read this...ever.
Every other day I just can't help but think that I don't belong at my job. Its totally a confidence thing and I'm afraid I may never have any confidence. I try. I think I might have even improved a little, but things still go around in my head...and I'm always holding back. I work with some really talented people, some really outgoing people, and that actually makes me feel worse about myself. I just look around and think "what the hell am I doing here?", and I feel like the audience is thinking the same thing. Its like why is that girl singing that when there is someone who could sing it much better. Its little things like that that keep running me into the ground. I also have outside issues with myself that have been there every since I can remember. I have always had a big problem with my weight, every since I was like 7 or 8. I've always either been too skinny or too fat, and never ever satisfied. I am a walking eating disorder. Fuck it I'm a walking mental patient. I don't know why they ever let me out. I might as well be locked up, I'd probably be happier. I look outside and inside and all I see is icky, no matter what anyone says I'm never going to be good enough for me. I'm surrounded by beautiful people all the time, and I feel like I'm being swallowed whole. Its like I don't matter because I don't add up. When I was little my mom used to tell me I was the most beautiful girl in the world, yes she had her moments, and when I look in the mirror and I don't see the most beautiful girl in the world I feel like I've failed, I feel like I shouldn't show my face because its just a gigantic let down. So I've always had these feelings, they are a part of me no matter how hard I try or what anyone says. Sometimes on stage I want to say something, but I'm frozen. I'm frozen with the fear of rejection I know I deserve. And I get so scared because I think "is this it? Is this all I'm going to ever be?" Just a scared little girl, a failure, an annoyance. Sometimes I think I'd give anything just to go back to my childhood and be able to change things, to stand up to all those kids who called me names, to undo all the damage caused by my mother, to be someone other that this. Maybe no one ever changes. I'm meant to be frozen, I'm meant to be no one. I was given this great chance to have my job, and yes its only a karaoke show, but singing has always been so important to me, maybe thats why not belonging hurts so much...I feel like I can't do what I am so passionate about, and it breaks my heart into pieces. How can I ever have what it takes when negitive self esteem is all I've ever had. I can joke around, and sometimes I can fake it with the best of them, but my head is what keeps me far away from it. What if they don't laugh...what if they don't clap....what if I really am just a big joke?
Grr. Also tonight I got cut at like 12 and I didn't even get to work until 7:45. That really really pisses me off because the manager specifically said to cut me! Why me?! I was one of the last people to get there...shouldn't he have cut someone who got there like at 5:45? Doesn't that make more sense? I know he freaking hates me. Everyone is like blah blah he likes everyone. Bullfuckingshit. I was working hard tonight. I don't know what his deal is. I guess he agress with my theory that I don't belong there. Maybe no one likes me. I don't have a best friend, I haven't for years. I keep feeling like everytime anything comes out of my mouth people can't stand it. Like I'm a big huge dork and people only pretend to like me sometimes because they feel bad for me. Well fuck that. I don't know how to be more likeable. I wish I did. I have no people skills. I'm so worried that people are just constantly sitting there judging me that I just shit out of my mouth, or I freeze. I just wanna be loved. I just want to be one of those people that everyone gets excited to see and then runs up to give them a big hug. Heh...thats so silly but It'd just be nice. I just want someone to wonder one day "What is Tiffany up to?" and then maybe give me a call. I'm sure deep down everyone wants these things, they are so simple. Its crazy because there are so many people who I see as better than me and I would do anything to get them to pay attention but I don't want to use anyone. Argg...I'm so off every track. I have no idea where I started. I feel like a giant, like the jolly green ugly ass fat giant. I feel swollen in my own skin, and its not getting anymore comfy. I'm like seasame street...something here is not like the others something here doesn't belong.
I need another job too. I've filled out a couple applications, but nothing yet. We barely have money to cover our bills. I didn't realize how much being an adult was going to suck. I miss Matt being in the air force, that was so nice, and not just because of the good salad on base. Hardeeharhar. If he was still in I could get these damn lymph nodes checked out that have been swollen for 4 months, yes kids 4 months. I try not to touch them because sometimes I just get so scared I start to cry. Sometimes I joke about how it would be ok to have cancer cuz then I might lose some weight, or I could wear cool wigs, but I'm really just terrified. Maybe its nothing. I wont know until I can actually afford to go to the doctor, so everyone cross your fingers. Ok yes I am just a breath of fresh air...I'm going to stop now before I infect everyone else with this negitivity...oh too late? Sorry.
I love everyone :)
Yeah so...I can't really afford thearpy anymore, or anything else for that matter, so I'm just going to do all my whining here and hope for the best. If you don't like whining you probably don't want to read this...ever.
Every other day I just can't help but think that I don't belong at my job. Its totally a confidence thing and I'm afraid I may never have any confidence. I try. I think I might have even improved a little, but things still go around in my head...and I'm always holding back. I work with some really talented people, some really outgoing people, and that actually makes me feel worse about myself. I just look around and think "what the hell am I doing here?", and I feel like the audience is thinking the same thing. Its like why is that girl singing that when there is someone who could sing it much better. Its little things like that that keep running me into the ground. I also have outside issues with myself that have been there every since I can remember. I have always had a big problem with my weight, every since I was like 7 or 8. I've always either been too skinny or too fat, and never ever satisfied. I am a walking eating disorder. Fuck it I'm a walking mental patient. I don't know why they ever let me out. I might as well be locked up, I'd probably be happier. I look outside and inside and all I see is icky, no matter what anyone says I'm never going to be good enough for me. I'm surrounded by beautiful people all the time, and I feel like I'm being swallowed whole. Its like I don't matter because I don't add up. When I was little my mom used to tell me I was the most beautiful girl in the world, yes she had her moments, and when I look in the mirror and I don't see the most beautiful girl in the world I feel like I've failed, I feel like I shouldn't show my face because its just a gigantic let down. So I've always had these feelings, they are a part of me no matter how hard I try or what anyone says. Sometimes on stage I want to say something, but I'm frozen. I'm frozen with the fear of rejection I know I deserve. And I get so scared because I think "is this it? Is this all I'm going to ever be?" Just a scared little girl, a failure, an annoyance. Sometimes I think I'd give anything just to go back to my childhood and be able to change things, to stand up to all those kids who called me names, to undo all the damage caused by my mother, to be someone other that this. Maybe no one ever changes. I'm meant to be frozen, I'm meant to be no one. I was given this great chance to have my job, and yes its only a karaoke show, but singing has always been so important to me, maybe thats why not belonging hurts so much...I feel like I can't do what I am so passionate about, and it breaks my heart into pieces. How can I ever have what it takes when negitive self esteem is all I've ever had. I can joke around, and sometimes I can fake it with the best of them, but my head is what keeps me far away from it. What if they don't laugh...what if they don't clap....what if I really am just a big joke?
Grr. Also tonight I got cut at like 12 and I didn't even get to work until 7:45. That really really pisses me off because the manager specifically said to cut me! Why me?! I was one of the last people to get there...shouldn't he have cut someone who got there like at 5:45? Doesn't that make more sense? I know he freaking hates me. Everyone is like blah blah he likes everyone. Bullfuckingshit. I was working hard tonight. I don't know what his deal is. I guess he agress with my theory that I don't belong there. Maybe no one likes me. I don't have a best friend, I haven't for years. I keep feeling like everytime anything comes out of my mouth people can't stand it. Like I'm a big huge dork and people only pretend to like me sometimes because they feel bad for me. Well fuck that. I don't know how to be more likeable. I wish I did. I have no people skills. I'm so worried that people are just constantly sitting there judging me that I just shit out of my mouth, or I freeze. I just wanna be loved. I just want to be one of those people that everyone gets excited to see and then runs up to give them a big hug. Heh...thats so silly but It'd just be nice. I just want someone to wonder one day "What is Tiffany up to?" and then maybe give me a call. I'm sure deep down everyone wants these things, they are so simple. Its crazy because there are so many people who I see as better than me and I would do anything to get them to pay attention but I don't want to use anyone. Argg...I'm so off every track. I have no idea where I started. I feel like a giant, like the jolly green ugly ass fat giant. I feel swollen in my own skin, and its not getting anymore comfy. I'm like seasame street...something here is not like the others something here doesn't belong.
I need another job too. I've filled out a couple applications, but nothing yet. We barely have money to cover our bills. I didn't realize how much being an adult was going to suck. I miss Matt being in the air force, that was so nice, and not just because of the good salad on base. Hardeeharhar. If he was still in I could get these damn lymph nodes checked out that have been swollen for 4 months, yes kids 4 months. I try not to touch them because sometimes I just get so scared I start to cry. Sometimes I joke about how it would be ok to have cancer cuz then I might lose some weight, or I could wear cool wigs, but I'm really just terrified. Maybe its nothing. I wont know until I can actually afford to go to the doctor, so everyone cross your fingers. Ok yes I am just a breath of fresh air...I'm going to stop now before I infect everyone else with this negitivity...oh too late? Sorry.
I love everyone :)