(no subject)
Quick fanfic. Shorter than I wanted, but if I tried to do anymore it was going to consume my brain and I'm already behind on my NaNoWriMo, so I really can't afford to stray too far away from it. And believe me, the jump I'm going to have to make now from 'Magic and Knights and Dragons, oh my!' to 'Disaffected offspring of superheroes that are emotionally crippled and sarcastic' is a very, very big one. Oi. *headdesk*
Title: The Sacrifices We Make
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1320
Genre: Angst
Pairings: One-sided Merlin/Arthur
Summary: In the end, Merlin does it not because he wants to but because he has do.
Warnings: Spoilers for 2x08
Merlin does not know, in the moment, why he did it.
When he burst into the hall and saw Arthur with his sword against Uther’s chest, there was a moment when he saw what might happen if the King were to fall. If Arthur’s newfound acceptance of magic were to hold, perhaps there might be an Albion where users of magic would not be hunted like criminals, where Merlin would not have to hide who he truly is. It is a glorious thought, that with Arthur as King, magic might finally, finally be allowed to come out of the shadows, and Merlin might be given a chance to prove that yes, magic can be used for good and no, not all sorcerers all evil.
And yet he did not take the chance.
It was unclear to him when he is doing it exactly why he had given up what might have been the Albion he so desperately wants, and when it was done, when he had managed to talk Arthur down and the Prince had collapsed, his mind was screaming at him idiot and fool and traitor, and he thought that this was right, that he ought to feel horrible about what he had just done, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. And he didn’t know why.
It is not until later, that same night when he is lying in bed, staring out the window because he cannot sleep, that Merlin realizes why he stopped Arthur, and that is because what he spoke was the truth, and that he knows that whatever brief fantasy of an Albion united under Arthur he had, it would never come to pass like this.
Not if had allowed Arthur to become the kind of man, angry and driven by a falsely-placed hatred, that would kill his own father.
He does not know how much Morgause was lying. Gaius’s silence when he confronted him makes Merlin think that perhaps she was not telling a lie but a half-truth, twisted to make Uther out as the villain and turn Arthur against him. But whatever tricks she played, whatever she did to deceive the Prince, whatever other lies fell upon them during their journey, Merlin feels sure of one thing: Arthur’s sentiments about his mother, the ones that he shared in those few precious moments around the campfire, were true. And what’s more, Merlin knows exactly how he feels, knows the pain of growing up with only a single parent, always wondering what happened to the other and never getting a real answer. He knows that loneliness, still feels it sometimes as he drifts off to sleep, thinking of the father he never knew and what kind of man he must have been for Merlin to be as gifted as he is.
He also knows exactly how devastated he would be if he were to lose his mother, because for a time, he had. And it tore him apart inside, because it would have been his fault, for not dying in Arthur’s place as he thought he was supposed to, and he remembers the grief, terrible and all-consuming and he thinks that living like that, with the guilt and the anguish and the knowledge that he could have prevented it, it would have driven him to madness.
It would have been no different for Arthur.
Arthur, who clashes with his father at many turns and defies him and fights with him and perhaps has to prove himself more than he should have to, but that doesn’t matter, because Merlin knows that despite these things, Uther is one of the few people that Arthur truly loves, even if it doesn’t always seem as such. And he sees now, even if he didn’t realize it at the time, that if he were to have allowed the Prince to have killed him in a fit of rage, Arthur never would have forgiven himself. He would have been broken by grief and remorse and under those circumstances there is no way he could have become the king that Albion needs, the one that will set things right and lead them to an age of peace. He knows that Arthur cannot become the kind of man he is destined to be if his hands were to become stained with the blood of a deed done in a reckless anger, that the future King he must be has to be born of honor.
The Prince, he knows, would never have forgiven himself for the words of a lying enchantress turn him into the kind of man that would go through with such a wretched, soulless act of rage.
And Merlin cares too much about Arthur to let that happen to him as well.
Because as much as it hurts to admit it, knowing that nothing-nothing-will ever come of it, Merlin thinks that maybe he also did it because he’s just a little bit in love with Arthur. And he knows that’s wrong in so many ways, but at the same time he can’t really bring himself to care because he just wants Arthur to be happy. He wants to see him become the great King that the Dragon has promised he will be, wants to see him rule a land where the people revere their lord, not fear him, wants to see him laugh and smile and enjoy the life he has been given, even if it came at a price.
He wishes, of course, that it didn’t have to be like this, that he could have talked Arthur down in some other way than lying and ensuring once again that when the time comes for his secret to be revealed, Arthur will undoubtedly send him straight into the flames. But he could see no other option, nothing that would be strong enough to stop Arthur in time. In the end, Merlin does it not because he wants to but because he *has* do.
And ultimately, Merlin’s fate does not matter to him. He loves Arthur so, so much, cares for him more than he’s cared for almost anything in his entire life and far, far more than he cares for himself. And if it comes down to it, between his life or Arthur’s, his happiness or the Prince’s, what he wants or what Arthur needs, he doesn’t even have to think about it to know that it will always, always be Arthur.
Which is why he lied.
Because even if it isn't a lie but a half-truth, Arthur, Merlin knows, is not ready to deal with the truth. Not yet.
Because when it does come time to face the truth, he does not want it to be at the hands of a manipulating sorceress, with only her own interests at heart.
Because this way, even if it means condemning himself to the executioner’s block in the end, is the way that will save Arthur. This is the way that will make him happy, will keep him smiling and even though he may no longer have any good will towards magic, it’s okay. Arthur’s okay, and he won’t be broken by grief and madness and he’ll become the man he was meant to be and create the Albion that Merlin dreams about and that, really, is what he wants more than anything.
And maybe it’s selfish, that he forwent such an opportunity because of his love for a man that he will never be able to have, but he truly, honestly can’t bring himself to care. Be cause he wants to keep Arthur safe, and he wants, so badly, to keep him happy, and that is all that will ever, ever matter.
And if the cost of his Prince’s happiness is a life of secrecy and lies, of hiding in the shadows and never being acknowledged for the risks he tasks to keep Arthur safe?
So be it.
--
Quick Author's Notes: I wrote this as a reaction mostly to why Merlin did what he did in the hall, but also partly because a lot of the reactions I saw from other people were angry, most of them saying that the way Arthur ended up denouncing sorcery again at the end and the way Merlin lied is just hitting the reset button all over again. I disagree, and I tried to put most of the reason as to why in here. It's a little shorter than I would have liked, but I couldn't go quite as in depth as I would have liked an still have it be from Merlin's POV instead of just a viewer's observations.
With that out of the way, comments?
Title: The Sacrifices We Make
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1320
Genre: Angst
Pairings: One-sided Merlin/Arthur
Summary: In the end, Merlin does it not because he wants to but because he has do.
Warnings: Spoilers for 2x08
Merlin does not know, in the moment, why he did it.
When he burst into the hall and saw Arthur with his sword against Uther’s chest, there was a moment when he saw what might happen if the King were to fall. If Arthur’s newfound acceptance of magic were to hold, perhaps there might be an Albion where users of magic would not be hunted like criminals, where Merlin would not have to hide who he truly is. It is a glorious thought, that with Arthur as King, magic might finally, finally be allowed to come out of the shadows, and Merlin might be given a chance to prove that yes, magic can be used for good and no, not all sorcerers all evil.
And yet he did not take the chance.
It was unclear to him when he is doing it exactly why he had given up what might have been the Albion he so desperately wants, and when it was done, when he had managed to talk Arthur down and the Prince had collapsed, his mind was screaming at him idiot and fool and traitor, and he thought that this was right, that he ought to feel horrible about what he had just done, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. And he didn’t know why.
It is not until later, that same night when he is lying in bed, staring out the window because he cannot sleep, that Merlin realizes why he stopped Arthur, and that is because what he spoke was the truth, and that he knows that whatever brief fantasy of an Albion united under Arthur he had, it would never come to pass like this.
Not if had allowed Arthur to become the kind of man, angry and driven by a falsely-placed hatred, that would kill his own father.
He does not know how much Morgause was lying. Gaius’s silence when he confronted him makes Merlin think that perhaps she was not telling a lie but a half-truth, twisted to make Uther out as the villain and turn Arthur against him. But whatever tricks she played, whatever she did to deceive the Prince, whatever other lies fell upon them during their journey, Merlin feels sure of one thing: Arthur’s sentiments about his mother, the ones that he shared in those few precious moments around the campfire, were true. And what’s more, Merlin knows exactly how he feels, knows the pain of growing up with only a single parent, always wondering what happened to the other and never getting a real answer. He knows that loneliness, still feels it sometimes as he drifts off to sleep, thinking of the father he never knew and what kind of man he must have been for Merlin to be as gifted as he is.
He also knows exactly how devastated he would be if he were to lose his mother, because for a time, he had. And it tore him apart inside, because it would have been his fault, for not dying in Arthur’s place as he thought he was supposed to, and he remembers the grief, terrible and all-consuming and he thinks that living like that, with the guilt and the anguish and the knowledge that he could have prevented it, it would have driven him to madness.
It would have been no different for Arthur.
Arthur, who clashes with his father at many turns and defies him and fights with him and perhaps has to prove himself more than he should have to, but that doesn’t matter, because Merlin knows that despite these things, Uther is one of the few people that Arthur truly loves, even if it doesn’t always seem as such. And he sees now, even if he didn’t realize it at the time, that if he were to have allowed the Prince to have killed him in a fit of rage, Arthur never would have forgiven himself. He would have been broken by grief and remorse and under those circumstances there is no way he could have become the king that Albion needs, the one that will set things right and lead them to an age of peace. He knows that Arthur cannot become the kind of man he is destined to be if his hands were to become stained with the blood of a deed done in a reckless anger, that the future King he must be has to be born of honor.
The Prince, he knows, would never have forgiven himself for the words of a lying enchantress turn him into the kind of man that would go through with such a wretched, soulless act of rage.
And Merlin cares too much about Arthur to let that happen to him as well.
Because as much as it hurts to admit it, knowing that nothing-nothing-will ever come of it, Merlin thinks that maybe he also did it because he’s just a little bit in love with Arthur. And he knows that’s wrong in so many ways, but at the same time he can’t really bring himself to care because he just wants Arthur to be happy. He wants to see him become the great King that the Dragon has promised he will be, wants to see him rule a land where the people revere their lord, not fear him, wants to see him laugh and smile and enjoy the life he has been given, even if it came at a price.
He wishes, of course, that it didn’t have to be like this, that he could have talked Arthur down in some other way than lying and ensuring once again that when the time comes for his secret to be revealed, Arthur will undoubtedly send him straight into the flames. But he could see no other option, nothing that would be strong enough to stop Arthur in time. In the end, Merlin does it not because he wants to but because he *has* do.
And ultimately, Merlin’s fate does not matter to him. He loves Arthur so, so much, cares for him more than he’s cared for almost anything in his entire life and far, far more than he cares for himself. And if it comes down to it, between his life or Arthur’s, his happiness or the Prince’s, what he wants or what Arthur needs, he doesn’t even have to think about it to know that it will always, always be Arthur.
Which is why he lied.
Because even if it isn't a lie but a half-truth, Arthur, Merlin knows, is not ready to deal with the truth. Not yet.
Because when it does come time to face the truth, he does not want it to be at the hands of a manipulating sorceress, with only her own interests at heart.
Because this way, even if it means condemning himself to the executioner’s block in the end, is the way that will save Arthur. This is the way that will make him happy, will keep him smiling and even though he may no longer have any good will towards magic, it’s okay. Arthur’s okay, and he won’t be broken by grief and madness and he’ll become the man he was meant to be and create the Albion that Merlin dreams about and that, really, is what he wants more than anything.
And maybe it’s selfish, that he forwent such an opportunity because of his love for a man that he will never be able to have, but he truly, honestly can’t bring himself to care. Be cause he wants to keep Arthur safe, and he wants, so badly, to keep him happy, and that is all that will ever, ever matter.
And if the cost of his Prince’s happiness is a life of secrecy and lies, of hiding in the shadows and never being acknowledged for the risks he tasks to keep Arthur safe?
So be it.
--
Quick Author's Notes: I wrote this as a reaction mostly to why Merlin did what he did in the hall, but also partly because a lot of the reactions I saw from other people were angry, most of them saying that the way Arthur ended up denouncing sorcery again at the end and the way Merlin lied is just hitting the reset button all over again. I disagree, and I tried to put most of the reason as to why in here. It's a little shorter than I would have liked, but I couldn't go quite as in depth as I would have liked an still have it be from Merlin's POV instead of just a viewer's observations.
With that out of the way, comments?