(no subject)
so i managed to start a new book, writting that is, even made it a couple chapters in. Then i dropped my laptop by accident and so far everyone who has looked at it tells me i might as well kiss the file goodbye. which wouldn't be such a big deal if i had made a back up. i have since taken over my husband's computer. he doesn't spend much time on it anyway.
so the visit with the state shrink went awefully. they discontinued my disability because the bitch submitted a false report on me. i figured she would after it came out that i was pagan and she spent most of the rest of the time trying to convert me. she made a veiled threat against my daughter, saying that if i did not cooperate with her she would tell the state then the state would take away my only means of supporting my daughter. so yeah she carried the threat out. i am appealing it but she has credentials. thankfully it's not just my word against hers. i took my sister and husband with me. the bitch mistook my identical twin sister and husband for my mother and father, which only goes to prove she did not read my file or she would have known that my mother was dead and that i had no contact with my father.
i have this kitten crawling on my shoulders. his name is Oreo and he goes to his forever home tomorrow. that'll be one down and two more to go. main problem is one of the remaining two has no forever home lined up just yet. supposidely a city full of pagans and not a single one wants a black cat. it's like they think if they have a black cat suddenly all their neighbors will know they are pagan or something.
right now i spend most of my time just wanting to cry. my husband... my husband really is a good guy but i knew when i married him that he was out going... let me rephrase that extremely out going. since the appointment with the state shrink he has been spending alot of time with his buddies so he doesn't have to be at home with me trying to rebuild what that bitch stole. i had gotten to the point where i could walk out into the yard for about 10 minutes without feeling like i was going to die on the spot. now i can't hardly go near the door without wishing i could crawl under my desk and just stay there... the poor dog when it's just him and me in the house, he is so patient with me, he literally puts his head in my lap looking up at me with these big brown eyes begging me to let him out to potty. and i know he waits until he can't hardly wait any more, then he steps back one step and looks at me with those eyes again and i stand up moving closer to him, then he steps back one more step etc. about half an hour later going through these motions we're at the door and my hand is on the knob shaking like a leaf, tears rolling down my face, my heart pounding in my chest feeling like it's going to explode. my poor Sebastian about ready to burst. eventually i get the knob turned and the door cracked open. i peek through the crack to make sure he will be safe out there, because i know at that moment it was everything i had with his encouragement to make it to the door, i won't be able to get back to it to let him in again. once i know it's safe he waits until i tell him it's okay then he races out and jumps off the porch. i slam the door shut and kneel at the toilet throwing up for awhile. then i sit at my desk feeling guilty as hell because i can hear him out there. i try to tell myself he's okay just barking at passing people, cars, animals, whatever. but i still feel guilty. eventually my husband comes home or i talk my sister into sending one of her kids over (rarely) to get this or that just so my sweet dog can be let back in. then if i don't feel guilty enough the sweet boy comes of his own voilition to sleep with his head on my foot. just so he can be touching me like he's saying, "It's okay mom I know how hard it is for you and I still love you." I am very very careful not to cry infront of anyone. i can just hear it now if i did, 'it's just a stupid dog. why cry over it? aren't dogs from the outside anyway?'
anyway... yeah
so the visit with the state shrink went awefully. they discontinued my disability because the bitch submitted a false report on me. i figured she would after it came out that i was pagan and she spent most of the rest of the time trying to convert me. she made a veiled threat against my daughter, saying that if i did not cooperate with her she would tell the state then the state would take away my only means of supporting my daughter. so yeah she carried the threat out. i am appealing it but she has credentials. thankfully it's not just my word against hers. i took my sister and husband with me. the bitch mistook my identical twin sister and husband for my mother and father, which only goes to prove she did not read my file or she would have known that my mother was dead and that i had no contact with my father.
i have this kitten crawling on my shoulders. his name is Oreo and he goes to his forever home tomorrow. that'll be one down and two more to go. main problem is one of the remaining two has no forever home lined up just yet. supposidely a city full of pagans and not a single one wants a black cat. it's like they think if they have a black cat suddenly all their neighbors will know they are pagan or something.
right now i spend most of my time just wanting to cry. my husband... my husband really is a good guy but i knew when i married him that he was out going... let me rephrase that extremely out going. since the appointment with the state shrink he has been spending alot of time with his buddies so he doesn't have to be at home with me trying to rebuild what that bitch stole. i had gotten to the point where i could walk out into the yard for about 10 minutes without feeling like i was going to die on the spot. now i can't hardly go near the door without wishing i could crawl under my desk and just stay there... the poor dog when it's just him and me in the house, he is so patient with me, he literally puts his head in my lap looking up at me with these big brown eyes begging me to let him out to potty. and i know he waits until he can't hardly wait any more, then he steps back one step and looks at me with those eyes again and i stand up moving closer to him, then he steps back one more step etc. about half an hour later going through these motions we're at the door and my hand is on the knob shaking like a leaf, tears rolling down my face, my heart pounding in my chest feeling like it's going to explode. my poor Sebastian about ready to burst. eventually i get the knob turned and the door cracked open. i peek through the crack to make sure he will be safe out there, because i know at that moment it was everything i had with his encouragement to make it to the door, i won't be able to get back to it to let him in again. once i know it's safe he waits until i tell him it's okay then he races out and jumps off the porch. i slam the door shut and kneel at the toilet throwing up for awhile. then i sit at my desk feeling guilty as hell because i can hear him out there. i try to tell myself he's okay just barking at passing people, cars, animals, whatever. but i still feel guilty. eventually my husband comes home or i talk my sister into sending one of her kids over (rarely) to get this or that just so my sweet dog can be let back in. then if i don't feel guilty enough the sweet boy comes of his own voilition to sleep with his head on my foot. just so he can be touching me like he's saying, "It's okay mom I know how hard it is for you and I still love you." I am very very careful not to cry infront of anyone. i can just hear it now if i did, 'it's just a stupid dog. why cry over it? aren't dogs from the outside anyway?'
anyway... yeah