Thoughts

[vampyrancientko]

I am beset by memories of late. Brief memories. They bring me so much sadness it's ridiculous. The memories are so short and so random I become instantly sad. Why? Because I can't remember them wholly. I don't remember much from some time ago. I pushed it back. I pushed a lot back and when I look at something and my brother says remember when you made this I say "Sure" when my mind wonders 'did I?' Pain brings the hidden memories. The most sweetest object could bring me my cold heart freezing sadness. I wonder at moments why I live? Do we really amount to much, but petty arguments and what not? I am not as much as a fool as my dramatic words may state. I know the good and what could be brought about, but like others I grow tired. I have been tired for so very long. I think wow I remember something, but it's not good. I think see how things have changed and what I have done. I have ruined, so much. I have saved so much. My life has so many wrongs and rights, yet the balance is not set. The wrong outways the right. Oblivion...do people love it because they think it lasts? It does not and here I sit remembering something that would have never come back to me without it's whole presence. Perhaps it is good I have forgotten. If I had not than the claims of my insanity would be far correct than others would jest. *sighs* I sit in class wondering why I fill this out. I sit here wondering why I type this. I have been hurt recently, yet that pain revealed something to me. I am a tool. Used to pass on the pain. I didn't let it happen. I will take the pain and I will not pass it on. I want that balance of wrong and right set. I can't say what hurt me to make me think such because I wont even say it to anyone, but perhaps a few pages of paper in my room. It was something most important to me that made me think of writing it down. I hardly feel the need to write my emotions down at all. Sudden bursts of cold sadness. Walking the halls of school with a thought of foolish hopes. All foolish I could say. For I am a fool that brings my foolish hope to correctness. I know those that will say hard work will get you far, but perhaps hard work will simply break your back as you harm others that help you. We all bring down someone. My writings in this online journal seem to be most sad, but I will only type in this thing when I feel the express need and of course when D presses me on the issue. I suppose I just like my thoughts and daily life to be my own, but perhaps they can be memories carried on by others that will remember them for me. Sometimes it's even hard to remember how old I am. Birthdays have not much a purpose for me. I don't count the age of someone. I count the maturity and how much I respect that person. Humor is always nice too. It makes the troubles of life so much easier. I suppose that is why my mind became a little insane. Though I will never admit I am fully insane...ok I will, but we all know how much we love marshmellows. Oh yea I have been thinking on going on major trips, but I am unsure on both of them. One to NY would be cool, but I find that I can't bring myself to think of it seriously. I say perhaps if I can't go to China I'll go there, but I doubt I will go on any of them. The one to China is far expensive beyond imagination and though I would dearly love to go I have common sense and use realistic figurations in life to make it a fantasy. I suppose I will work at it though. I have been invited to Amber's Bday party. Though I do not like my own birthdays I respect others and will go and make the best of it I can. I will say that I can not skate worth shit. Oh well I suppose that will be a treat for Amber to find out. Dianne says she can't skate too. I hope many go. I need people to hang on to as I believe the floor would be a common place for my ass without assitance. :) Karolyn worries on how she may act, but it really is her course of action. If she can make the best of it than I wont fault her, but I am sure she has been to parties such as her sisters and knows how kids act. She doesn't have to be them, but a smile and happy birthday here and there and merry christmas. Wow that didn't make much sense. Oh well. I'm bored now and I think I'll enjoy my no homework day by going and reading. Damn right I know how to read! Or was that the applesauce I ate.....? Byes oh and Brit fucking IM me for once. I don't know but once in a while would be nice. I miss ya you bitch! Hope things are going well. Byes.

Ai,
Kaitlyn

P.S. My grammar sucks deal with it.