Anxiety, Panic, Dread....I'm a complete failure..
As some of you already know, I'm trying to get into a clinical trial for a new drug to treat the kidney disease I have. I'm starting to think I'm doomed to never participate. Firstly, during the initial screening/exam I was having blood drawn. Now I was diagnosed when I was 18 (I'm 32 now) and have been giving 3 to 7 vials of blood every 3 to 6 months since. I've never had an issue but once when my BP was extremely elevated (160/140) and it caused me to black out for about 1/2 a second. While having blood drawn this time I apparently had my very first anxiety attack...NOT FUN....naseau, cold sweats and hearing loss with an excessive need to lay down. The nurse had trouble getting vein for some reason (3 sticks in one arm, 2 in the other) and I guess I got to me. NO biggie I thought, they finally got the blood and all was well. I figured if that's the worse that happens I'll be fine. Well then came the MRI...
I've never had an MRI before but I know how they work and how the machines are basically designed. I do not suffer from any form of closterphobia that I know of and have been in very tight situations. I used to do the Wild Cave tour at Mammoth Cave which requires sniper crawling for extended lengths through small holes in the cave walls. You would think if I can handle that I can handle being stuck into a 4' long tube with my feet and head sticking out of both ends.
Welp now's when you realize just how fat you are and how much it sucks. At my physical for this I was measured at 6'4" and weighing 385 lbs. I carry my weight well and it doesn't really hender me in anything I do, other than the occasional chair with arms being too small. So I walk into the MRI room with my little gowns on, flop down on the table and get comfy with no issue. They put headphones on me, tuned to the 70's rock XM station, and begin to slide me into the tube. Now the fun begins. I get about half way in and start feeling my chest and gut being squished down. I look down and realize I'm basially wedged into this tube and can't see out around me. No biggie I'll deal, it's not uncomfortable or anything. Then I try to take a few deep breaths since I'm going to have to hold my breath in 20 second bursts throughout the test....I can't. I can only shollow breath, when I try to take a deep breath my gut and chest can't expand. My brain goes "umm this isn't good dude". At this point the technicians are still in the room and are talking to me about needing to keep sliding me in and to relax blah blah blah....they are extremely muffled, due to the headphones, and hard to understand....so agian my braind goes "umm dude...seriously" At this point the tube that feeds the headphones is also getting caught on my gut and starting to pull them off my head as they try to feed me into the tube ever so gingerly. I tell them it's doing this so they stop and the girl comes around the back side to get the headphones and pull the tube through more. I know she's there...I can hear her and feel her hands. I try to look back, knwoing the tube is open, but I can't see anything. I'm not far enough into the tube yet to see the back side. At this point, probably stupidly, I look straight up for the first time and realize the top of the MRI is about 2 inches, so it seemed, from my nose.
My brain processes all this, tight/stuck feeling around my gut, muffled talking to or about me, can't see behind me, in a really small tube, can't breath at all, and says to me "PANIC MOTHER FUCKER GET THE HELL OUT". Calmly I ask "How long is this going to last" and they tell me about 15 mintues. I'm not even all the way in the tube yet and suddnely I get this sensation of dread that I've never had before. Extreme nervousness is the best I can describe it. I'm assuming this is what it is like to have a panic attack. Very calmly I tell them that I can take but shallow breaths cause I'm in so tight and will not be able to hold my breath. There also isn't any way I can do this for 15 minutes cause I seem to be fighting a panic attack. Now I'm saying all this very calmly while my brain is going "DANGER DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON, YOU GONNA DIE MOTHER FUCKAH". So they they slowly slide me out of the tube, I'm immediatly better and am actually ready to maybe try again. Apparently this isn't what they do so they call off the test. When I explained about not being able to breath and apologizing they tech totally understood and said he's the same way. If I couldn't breathe well there was no point in even trying to force myself to do the test.
So now I don't knwo what will happen next. I HAVE to get an MRI to be in this study but it has to be at an approved facility by the company sponsering the study. The tech doesn't know of anyone in the area that has the larger Seimens MRI tube that would work for me. I have to call my liason today and see what we do next. I'm extremely disappointed in myself for this. Not only for being too overweight, but for having a panic attack over it. I have very few fears and I've definitly been in worse/more dangerous situations and stayed calm. I"m in a medical facility with trained professionals, they arn't going to let anything happen to me. Knowing all this though my brain still paniced. It was an extreme sense of having NO control of my surroundings and I definitly don't handle that well.
Looking back I honestly think if I hadn't of had the headphones on I would have probably been ok. That's when the feelings of dread started, when they were talking and it was all muffled. My brain didn't register it as "you ahve head phones on", but instead thought "you are stuck in this tube and they are at your feet trying to pull your fat ass out". The bulk of my being is considering this a GIANT failure on my part and I pretty much want to try again. Not eating dinner before the test, asking the headphones not be placed on me till I'm in the tube, keeping my eyes closed while in the tube so I can't see the top of it and most of all just sucking it up and ignoring the sense of dread. This trail...this drug means ALOT to me, my family and 12.5 million other people with this disease. As silly as it sounds I feel like I'm letting them all down. Even though I was just going to be a number, 1 person out of 1500 world wide. Many other people can take my place if I can't do it, but still, I feel I've failed them all.
I've never had an MRI before but I know how they work and how the machines are basically designed. I do not suffer from any form of closterphobia that I know of and have been in very tight situations. I used to do the Wild Cave tour at Mammoth Cave which requires sniper crawling for extended lengths through small holes in the cave walls. You would think if I can handle that I can handle being stuck into a 4' long tube with my feet and head sticking out of both ends.
Welp now's when you realize just how fat you are and how much it sucks. At my physical for this I was measured at 6'4" and weighing 385 lbs. I carry my weight well and it doesn't really hender me in anything I do, other than the occasional chair with arms being too small. So I walk into the MRI room with my little gowns on, flop down on the table and get comfy with no issue. They put headphones on me, tuned to the 70's rock XM station, and begin to slide me into the tube. Now the fun begins. I get about half way in and start feeling my chest and gut being squished down. I look down and realize I'm basially wedged into this tube and can't see out around me. No biggie I'll deal, it's not uncomfortable or anything. Then I try to take a few deep breaths since I'm going to have to hold my breath in 20 second bursts throughout the test....I can't. I can only shollow breath, when I try to take a deep breath my gut and chest can't expand. My brain goes "umm this isn't good dude". At this point the technicians are still in the room and are talking to me about needing to keep sliding me in and to relax blah blah blah....they are extremely muffled, due to the headphones, and hard to understand....so agian my braind goes "umm dude...seriously" At this point the tube that feeds the headphones is also getting caught on my gut and starting to pull them off my head as they try to feed me into the tube ever so gingerly. I tell them it's doing this so they stop and the girl comes around the back side to get the headphones and pull the tube through more. I know she's there...I can hear her and feel her hands. I try to look back, knwoing the tube is open, but I can't see anything. I'm not far enough into the tube yet to see the back side. At this point, probably stupidly, I look straight up for the first time and realize the top of the MRI is about 2 inches, so it seemed, from my nose.
My brain processes all this, tight/stuck feeling around my gut, muffled talking to or about me, can't see behind me, in a really small tube, can't breath at all, and says to me "PANIC MOTHER FUCKER GET THE HELL OUT". Calmly I ask "How long is this going to last" and they tell me about 15 mintues. I'm not even all the way in the tube yet and suddnely I get this sensation of dread that I've never had before. Extreme nervousness is the best I can describe it. I'm assuming this is what it is like to have a panic attack. Very calmly I tell them that I can take but shallow breaths cause I'm in so tight and will not be able to hold my breath. There also isn't any way I can do this for 15 minutes cause I seem to be fighting a panic attack. Now I'm saying all this very calmly while my brain is going "DANGER DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON, YOU GONNA DIE MOTHER FUCKAH". So they they slowly slide me out of the tube, I'm immediatly better and am actually ready to maybe try again. Apparently this isn't what they do so they call off the test. When I explained about not being able to breath and apologizing they tech totally understood and said he's the same way. If I couldn't breathe well there was no point in even trying to force myself to do the test.
So now I don't knwo what will happen next. I HAVE to get an MRI to be in this study but it has to be at an approved facility by the company sponsering the study. The tech doesn't know of anyone in the area that has the larger Seimens MRI tube that would work for me. I have to call my liason today and see what we do next. I'm extremely disappointed in myself for this. Not only for being too overweight, but for having a panic attack over it. I have very few fears and I've definitly been in worse/more dangerous situations and stayed calm. I"m in a medical facility with trained professionals, they arn't going to let anything happen to me. Knowing all this though my brain still paniced. It was an extreme sense of having NO control of my surroundings and I definitly don't handle that well.
Looking back I honestly think if I hadn't of had the headphones on I would have probably been ok. That's when the feelings of dread started, when they were talking and it was all muffled. My brain didn't register it as "you ahve head phones on", but instead thought "you are stuck in this tube and they are at your feet trying to pull your fat ass out". The bulk of my being is considering this a GIANT failure on my part and I pretty much want to try again. Not eating dinner before the test, asking the headphones not be placed on me till I'm in the tube, keeping my eyes closed while in the tube so I can't see the top of it and most of all just sucking it up and ignoring the sense of dread. This trail...this drug means ALOT to me, my family and 12.5 million other people with this disease. As silly as it sounds I feel like I'm letting them all down. Even though I was just going to be a number, 1 person out of 1500 world wide. Many other people can take my place if I can't do it, but still, I feel I've failed them all.