Rampage.

[vampriess6]

I need a job badly, Two jobs accually... Im just going to become a work-a-holic. If i can get the guts to go out and accually look for a new job. This is alaways hard. I have been doing well with my panic attacks untill a few nights ago. Cant breathe, chest caves in, paranoia fills my head. I dont know why it scares me so much to go out and do new things. On the brighter note, not really, everytime i find my self alone im drinking again. Im falling in love with my alcholicism once again. I enjoy distorting reality especally when everything real is so disgusting. Why not become a raging alcholic. Your best friend doesnt call you back, i try to make plans with her, never happens anymore. I stopped calling her so much to give her time to be with her boyfriend becasue when they first started dateing she was with me all the time, and now that i think about it it seems like it was just like that becasue she didnt want to hurt my feelings by saying no, as steve semi proved to me a while ago with a discussion him and i had. I have watched everything that gave me a lil bit of happyness slip out of my hands at my own fault... is like i need to make things so hard for my self because i cant see my self being happy.... theres alaways been has been will be something i can pick out even if the tinyest little detail that i will let ruien my whole day. Im such a little child.
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The intoxicated sores stained her bright canvas of the present day as it ate threw the thoughts of imperfection while the muffled screams of a hopless soul attempting to flea the scene of her fictional play tucked away and hidden behind the freashly painted scanery that gets painted over each new day.
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and then she gets writers block and not another word will leave this mouth.