Warning: Stupid rant.
It figures, the first time I write a legit entry in only gods know how long, and it's a stupid somewhat depressing rant. Whatever. I need to get this out somewhere.
I feel like I am losing it. I feel like I'm giving up on myself. It seems to me like I can't take the normal pressures of someone in my age and position. It is so pathetic and I hate myself sometimes for it. I think I need something to motivate me, and give me a strong push in the right direction. I know what I should be doing, but I just can't seem to move myself into completing the things I set out to do. I feel lost. I know I am not the only person in the world going through this, but I also don't want to fall into a hole that I can't pick myself out of. I think I need to look into seeing a therapist again, and hope it does at least some good... which I'm not sure it will. It kinda looks like I might have to drop my two online classes.... just because of my own stupidity. I don't have the self-motivation it takes to excel in that type of learning environment it seems. More money down the drain, more loans under my belt that I don't need, and if I just did the right thing... I wouldn't have in the first place. I go onto the system where the assignments and such are posted... I stare in the screen, in absolute dread, and find myself somehow unable to muster the energy to get things done. I don't want to be stuck in my parents' house forever. They drive me more mad with each passing day. I can't take their incessant nagging, discouraging comments, petty threats, etc. It's just an everyday thing now with them and they can't seem to let anything go. I tell them that they are not helping me in doing this, but they don't seem to listen at all. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to leave and never come back. If it wasn't for my cat and dog, I just might. My parents treat them like objects and don't give them any love or attention. I know they depend on me for these things. That is why they are so attached to me. I keep on thinking or saying to myself, I want to go home, I want to go home... but technically, I am in my place of residence. But is it home? I guess not. In that sense, it kinda feels like I have no home mentally. Sure, my parents do support me somewhat financially still, and they attempt sometimes to give emotional support (even though it seems they have no idea what they are talking about).... but really... just that unconditional comfort... where is it? The only time or place I have at least a significant part of that is with my boyfriend Steve right now. But realistically, he can't always be there, and I should know how to find it myself anyway. So where is it, for me? Just for me? I have no idea. As much as I want to move out of this house, I can't afford it. Sure, I could be like those people who somehow find the time and energy to both work full-time and go to school full-time... but like I've implied... I can't take the pressures I have now as it is.... so how would I handle that? My mind just gets so scattered when I take too much on and then nothing gets done....
Anyway, I think I think I'm done with ranting for now. Bless your heart if you read all that, and thank you. I'm going to go see what I can make myself do today....
I feel like I am losing it. I feel like I'm giving up on myself. It seems to me like I can't take the normal pressures of someone in my age and position. It is so pathetic and I hate myself sometimes for it. I think I need something to motivate me, and give me a strong push in the right direction. I know what I should be doing, but I just can't seem to move myself into completing the things I set out to do. I feel lost. I know I am not the only person in the world going through this, but I also don't want to fall into a hole that I can't pick myself out of. I think I need to look into seeing a therapist again, and hope it does at least some good... which I'm not sure it will. It kinda looks like I might have to drop my two online classes.... just because of my own stupidity. I don't have the self-motivation it takes to excel in that type of learning environment it seems. More money down the drain, more loans under my belt that I don't need, and if I just did the right thing... I wouldn't have in the first place. I go onto the system where the assignments and such are posted... I stare in the screen, in absolute dread, and find myself somehow unable to muster the energy to get things done. I don't want to be stuck in my parents' house forever. They drive me more mad with each passing day. I can't take their incessant nagging, discouraging comments, petty threats, etc. It's just an everyday thing now with them and they can't seem to let anything go. I tell them that they are not helping me in doing this, but they don't seem to listen at all. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to leave and never come back. If it wasn't for my cat and dog, I just might. My parents treat them like objects and don't give them any love or attention. I know they depend on me for these things. That is why they are so attached to me. I keep on thinking or saying to myself, I want to go home, I want to go home... but technically, I am in my place of residence. But is it home? I guess not. In that sense, it kinda feels like I have no home mentally. Sure, my parents do support me somewhat financially still, and they attempt sometimes to give emotional support (even though it seems they have no idea what they are talking about).... but really... just that unconditional comfort... where is it? The only time or place I have at least a significant part of that is with my boyfriend Steve right now. But realistically, he can't always be there, and I should know how to find it myself anyway. So where is it, for me? Just for me? I have no idea. As much as I want to move out of this house, I can't afford it. Sure, I could be like those people who somehow find the time and energy to both work full-time and go to school full-time... but like I've implied... I can't take the pressures I have now as it is.... so how would I handle that? My mind just gets so scattered when I take too much on and then nothing gets done....
Anyway, I think I think I'm done with ranting for now. Bless your heart if you read all that, and thank you. I'm going to go see what I can make myself do today....