Again...
So once again, here I am venting about how I feel because when I tried to talk to him about stuff, it just goes right out the window. I get attacked by all these scathing questions, and it's hurtful that all he does is question me on everything I feel. It makes me feel less certain of who I am and how I feel and makes me feel like I'm not allowed to have different views and feelings. I feel like he doesn't accept me for who I am. I'm not just like him, I'm different. I feel like I can't be who I am, I just have to sit there and pretend to be happy all the time when I'm not.
I'm so damn scared to even talk to him right now. He's sitting right across from me but I can't say how I feel because I'm gonna get attacked. I already did, and he'll only do it again.
I even told him that I have a hard time talking to him because I feel like he attacks me all the time. I don't know how to approach this any more. I used to be able to talk to him. I don't know what happened. I could tell him that I wanted to talk to him and we could sit down and talk. And I could tell him how I feel exactly how I wanted to, but now I can't. I'm scared. I don't know any other way to put it other than I fear talking to him because he's going to yell at me. He's got this anger in him now that wasn't there before. I mean, he used to sit down and talk to me before two. He'd grab me and sit me down or whatever and talk to me. Never just all out yell at me like he has a couple times recently. It scares me. I don't know where it comes from.
I just want to be able to talk to him.
We kind of had a fight today. I know that it didn't come out like this, but what I meant to say to him was that it would be nice to meet some of his friends from camp, aside from one that I know from school. It came out from a discussion about him drinking every weekend for a long time. Then somehow the party he went to for camp came up. And it probably came out completely wrong, but what I wanted to say was it would be nice to meet all the people that he talks about all the time.
I know it came out wrong because we were already arguing. But what bothered me was when he goes, Laura wasn't there. Not only did I not care, I didn't see why it mattered then. That didn't make sense to me and I said, I didn't care and whatever else. It doesn't bother me. I don't have a problem with his ex girlfriends, period. I don't care.
He said something along the lines of, I don't want you two in the same room with each other. I was really hurt by that statement because I feel like he doesn't trust me. He either doesn't trust me not to flip out, or to not approach her or whatever. I told him that I wouldn't flip out like that, and never once have I ever flipped out on his other ex girlfriend and I had to see them together more than I saw him with his other ex, and I still have to see her around. Even when I was drunk and had seen her at dances, I never said anything to her, ever. And he goes, well after a few beers you might flip out on Laura. I was so hurt. How could he say something like that when I've proven that I can be civil around his other ex girlfriend countless of times.
I'm not an idiot and I'm not in high school. Yes, I flipped out before, but that was because I saw someone who I thought was my boyfriend with another girl and it was just the two of them, and it looked like they were on a date. That is how it looked to me when I walked up to them at the fair. Never once after that did I try to confront them, or her about it. I feel like he's treating me like I'm a child and that he doesn't trust me at all.
It's so stupid for him to assume that I would flip out on someone when they don't even matter to me. Let alone assume that I would do that if I wasn't sober. I'm not an idiot drunk, and I know my limits.
He basically doesn't want to introduce me to any of the people he works with because he's scared that Laura and I are going to get into something and cause some drama. That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and I don't think he can give me one good reason why that would happen.
I don't care about either one of his ex girlfriends because I believed him when he said that he loved me, he thought I was better than all his other girlfriends, and that I meant more to him than any of those other girls ever did.
Besides, if she does freak out because I'm there, then she's just going to be the one who looks like a dumbass for freaking out. I'm not gonna do anything, not saying that I'm a puss, but I don't want to draw any negative attention to myself anyways.
I highly doubt that she would even freak out in the first place. If what Trevor said is still true, she doesn't even talk to him, doesn't want to or doesn't try to.
I really think he's being disrespectful to me, and treating me like a child when I've proven myself to him that I can handle myself around his ex girlfriend. It's stupid, and I'm hurt. Hurt because what I really wanted to say had to be distorted because I couldn't talk to him. Because he started attacking me. I couldn't just TALK to him, he wouldn't let me. Hurt because he doesn't trust me, when I thought I had proven to him that I wasn't who I was in high school, that I was better than who I used to be. It's not fair, when he's betrayed my trust and I've been really good about forgiving him, and I've tried so hard to be better for him. I don't get it.
I'm so damn scared to even talk to him right now. He's sitting right across from me but I can't say how I feel because I'm gonna get attacked. I already did, and he'll only do it again.
I even told him that I have a hard time talking to him because I feel like he attacks me all the time. I don't know how to approach this any more. I used to be able to talk to him. I don't know what happened. I could tell him that I wanted to talk to him and we could sit down and talk. And I could tell him how I feel exactly how I wanted to, but now I can't. I'm scared. I don't know any other way to put it other than I fear talking to him because he's going to yell at me. He's got this anger in him now that wasn't there before. I mean, he used to sit down and talk to me before two. He'd grab me and sit me down or whatever and talk to me. Never just all out yell at me like he has a couple times recently. It scares me. I don't know where it comes from.
I just want to be able to talk to him.
We kind of had a fight today. I know that it didn't come out like this, but what I meant to say to him was that it would be nice to meet some of his friends from camp, aside from one that I know from school. It came out from a discussion about him drinking every weekend for a long time. Then somehow the party he went to for camp came up. And it probably came out completely wrong, but what I wanted to say was it would be nice to meet all the people that he talks about all the time.
I know it came out wrong because we were already arguing. But what bothered me was when he goes, Laura wasn't there. Not only did I not care, I didn't see why it mattered then. That didn't make sense to me and I said, I didn't care and whatever else. It doesn't bother me. I don't have a problem with his ex girlfriends, period. I don't care.
He said something along the lines of, I don't want you two in the same room with each other. I was really hurt by that statement because I feel like he doesn't trust me. He either doesn't trust me not to flip out, or to not approach her or whatever. I told him that I wouldn't flip out like that, and never once have I ever flipped out on his other ex girlfriend and I had to see them together more than I saw him with his other ex, and I still have to see her around. Even when I was drunk and had seen her at dances, I never said anything to her, ever. And he goes, well after a few beers you might flip out on Laura. I was so hurt. How could he say something like that when I've proven that I can be civil around his other ex girlfriend countless of times.
I'm not an idiot and I'm not in high school. Yes, I flipped out before, but that was because I saw someone who I thought was my boyfriend with another girl and it was just the two of them, and it looked like they were on a date. That is how it looked to me when I walked up to them at the fair. Never once after that did I try to confront them, or her about it. I feel like he's treating me like I'm a child and that he doesn't trust me at all.
It's so stupid for him to assume that I would flip out on someone when they don't even matter to me. Let alone assume that I would do that if I wasn't sober. I'm not an idiot drunk, and I know my limits.
He basically doesn't want to introduce me to any of the people he works with because he's scared that Laura and I are going to get into something and cause some drama. That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and I don't think he can give me one good reason why that would happen.
I don't care about either one of his ex girlfriends because I believed him when he said that he loved me, he thought I was better than all his other girlfriends, and that I meant more to him than any of those other girls ever did.
Besides, if she does freak out because I'm there, then she's just going to be the one who looks like a dumbass for freaking out. I'm not gonna do anything, not saying that I'm a puss, but I don't want to draw any negative attention to myself anyways.
I highly doubt that she would even freak out in the first place. If what Trevor said is still true, she doesn't even talk to him, doesn't want to or doesn't try to.
I really think he's being disrespectful to me, and treating me like a child when I've proven myself to him that I can handle myself around his ex girlfriend. It's stupid, and I'm hurt. Hurt because what I really wanted to say had to be distorted because I couldn't talk to him. Because he started attacking me. I couldn't just TALK to him, he wouldn't let me. Hurt because he doesn't trust me, when I thought I had proven to him that I wasn't who I was in high school, that I was better than who I used to be. It's not fair, when he's betrayed my trust and I've been really good about forgiving him, and I've tried so hard to be better for him. I don't get it.