Fear
I'm afraid. Of a lot of things. The list is probably never ending, but I need to get some things off my chest. I need to feel safe. I need to feel secure. I just need to vent to the few people who read my journal. They'll understand, and they'll know. That's all I want...I just want people to know how I feel. No body has to do anything about it, but realize there's more going on under my surface than they think.
I'm afraid of water. Particularily deep water. Mainly I'm scared to drown, scared no one is going to rescue me. A deep pool does not count, but I did have a close call once when I was a kid and I was scared of deep water before that incident. The ocean scares me. I want to swim in it, but I'm partly scared to, and the fact that there are things in the water that give me the "heebie jeebies" doesn't help the fact. I don't like swimming in lakes either. The same reasons apply there as well.
I'm afraid of flying. Had an incident there too. That was only a few years ago too. I'm getting over that fear, but the image of a plane I'm on spiriling down to the earth just wont leave my mind. I have a really active imagination. It fuels my fears...all of them.
I'm afraid heights. I get dizzy. I can't even sit on Trevor's shoulders without freaking out. I guess 6'4'' is just too high up for me. I'm scared of falling. That whole spiriling down to earth thing applies here.
I'm afraid of losing my friends. I'm afraid mostly of losing Jenna, Jess, Cassie and Jim. I would be devestated if I lost one of them. I don't know how I could possibly lose them, but things change. I've made friends for life in these people and I will fight to keep it that way. More than one bride's maids? I think so.
I'm afraid of losing the best possible person to walk in and out of my life. So much has changed in the two of us, that it's so different this time. I'm more easy going, he's more mature, though I think he's only more mature in a relationship. That doesn't change the fact that I'm scared. I don't want to be the girl that sits there on the side lines in his life. I don't want to be put as #2 again. I can't do it. I'll lose my mind. I'll lose him. I only come 2nd to school, and that's the only thing I'll bow down to. I'll give him his space for that, because it is as important to him as it is to me. I wont be second to anything else. I want to work with him around other things. I'll do that, but I don't want it to be something where he schedules other things over me. When you're in a relationship of this caliber, you don't do that. You make the time for that person, and you make it work. I don't want what happened last summer to happen this one. I hoped last summer that we would spend time together since he was at school and I saw him once a week, maybe twice. It drove me crazy. Summer was supposed to be our time together, to do what we pleased, when we wanted. I understand he needs the money, because I do too. Believe me, I understand the subject of money and what it's like to be broke, and have to rely on someone else to help you through. I get it, god do I get it. I also get that he loves camp. It's not a job to him, it's great. I get that too. But I'm great too. I can give him things camp can't, but I can't be the best person for him if I don't see him, spend quality time with him, one-on-one, alone, me and him on a date, me and him chilling somewhere, me and him. I can't give him everything I wantto give him if he's not there.
I have deep feelings for him, so deep that there have been nights where I sit there, wondering if I should tell him, wanting to so bad, so bad it frustrates me, but it's so hard. My heart races when I'm with him, and at the thought of him. I can't stand how much of a hold he has on me already. How crazy I am about him. He really is the best thing that has happened to me this year. He's inspired me to do better, got me to be myself, got me to be who I really am. I'm crazy. I know it, and he knows it, and he's okay with it. I'm greatful for it too. I'm not sure if anyone else would understand me as well as he does. There's a weight on my shoulders so big some days. I don't know what to do with it. I want to tell him so many things, it's unbelieveable. There's so much going on in my head. I need him to be there, to work with me at this relationship, not put me aside because I'm not going away. Not this time. I'm fighting to keep him forever. I don't see myself with anyone else, and I can't imagine anyone else. It just doesn't fit. No one else can live up to my standards. I'm happy, and I don't want that to go away.
I'm scared of being unhappy...
I'm scared of being alone...
I'm scared of being in love and losing it...
I'm afraid of water. Particularily deep water. Mainly I'm scared to drown, scared no one is going to rescue me. A deep pool does not count, but I did have a close call once when I was a kid and I was scared of deep water before that incident. The ocean scares me. I want to swim in it, but I'm partly scared to, and the fact that there are things in the water that give me the "heebie jeebies" doesn't help the fact. I don't like swimming in lakes either. The same reasons apply there as well.
I'm afraid of flying. Had an incident there too. That was only a few years ago too. I'm getting over that fear, but the image of a plane I'm on spiriling down to the earth just wont leave my mind. I have a really active imagination. It fuels my fears...all of them.
I'm afraid heights. I get dizzy. I can't even sit on Trevor's shoulders without freaking out. I guess 6'4'' is just too high up for me. I'm scared of falling. That whole spiriling down to earth thing applies here.
I'm afraid of losing my friends. I'm afraid mostly of losing Jenna, Jess, Cassie and Jim. I would be devestated if I lost one of them. I don't know how I could possibly lose them, but things change. I've made friends for life in these people and I will fight to keep it that way. More than one bride's maids? I think so.
I'm afraid of losing the best possible person to walk in and out of my life. So much has changed in the two of us, that it's so different this time. I'm more easy going, he's more mature, though I think he's only more mature in a relationship. That doesn't change the fact that I'm scared. I don't want to be the girl that sits there on the side lines in his life. I don't want to be put as #2 again. I can't do it. I'll lose my mind. I'll lose him. I only come 2nd to school, and that's the only thing I'll bow down to. I'll give him his space for that, because it is as important to him as it is to me. I wont be second to anything else. I want to work with him around other things. I'll do that, but I don't want it to be something where he schedules other things over me. When you're in a relationship of this caliber, you don't do that. You make the time for that person, and you make it work. I don't want what happened last summer to happen this one. I hoped last summer that we would spend time together since he was at school and I saw him once a week, maybe twice. It drove me crazy. Summer was supposed to be our time together, to do what we pleased, when we wanted. I understand he needs the money, because I do too. Believe me, I understand the subject of money and what it's like to be broke, and have to rely on someone else to help you through. I get it, god do I get it. I also get that he loves camp. It's not a job to him, it's great. I get that too. But I'm great too. I can give him things camp can't, but I can't be the best person for him if I don't see him, spend quality time with him, one-on-one, alone, me and him on a date, me and him chilling somewhere, me and him. I can't give him everything I wantto give him if he's not there.
I have deep feelings for him, so deep that there have been nights where I sit there, wondering if I should tell him, wanting to so bad, so bad it frustrates me, but it's so hard. My heart races when I'm with him, and at the thought of him. I can't stand how much of a hold he has on me already. How crazy I am about him. He really is the best thing that has happened to me this year. He's inspired me to do better, got me to be myself, got me to be who I really am. I'm crazy. I know it, and he knows it, and he's okay with it. I'm greatful for it too. I'm not sure if anyone else would understand me as well as he does. There's a weight on my shoulders so big some days. I don't know what to do with it. I want to tell him so many things, it's unbelieveable. There's so much going on in my head. I need him to be there, to work with me at this relationship, not put me aside because I'm not going away. Not this time. I'm fighting to keep him forever. I don't see myself with anyone else, and I can't imagine anyone else. It just doesn't fit. No one else can live up to my standards. I'm happy, and I don't want that to go away.
I'm scared of being unhappy...
I'm scared of being alone...
I'm scared of being in love and losing it...