Fic: Lucy
Title: Lucy
Author: vampireslure08
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Morgan/Reid
Rating: T/PG
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Romance, kinda angsty
Summary: Morgan and Reid have been suffering for the past three years after a joyous occasion went terribly wrong. After losing something that meant the world to them, will they be able to pull out of it? Together?
Warnings: Mentions of past-mpreg, you may want a tissue box
Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN!!!!
Author’s note: Cross-posted at my fanfiction.net account (alphawolf0226). This is a Song-Fic to Skillet's "Lucy". Please let me know what you guys think!!!!
I recommend listening to the song either before after or during. Just listen to it. "Lucy"
October 7th was a somber day in the BAU. They were all silent as they sat around the bullpen. Even Garcia was oddly silent, not breaking the tension with a teasing jab at the "chocolate god of thunder" whose desk she was sitting on. There were no cases for anyone to handle, JJ and Hotch made sure of that, and yet everyone was there. Well, everyone but one.
Derek looked at the empty desk of the resident genius, his colleague and life-partner of five years. His heart ached for the man who was not there. They all knew why he was gone; it was a yearly occurrence that had started two years previous. Derek wished he too could be absent, but Spencer had told him that first year that he just wanted to be alone with her, and he had yet to go against his partner's wishes.
However the pain was killing him. He knew that Spencer was going through agony, but so was he. She had been a big part of his life too, not just Reid's. Sure, Reid had a special connection was her, but to push Morgan away completely for a day? The man couldn't take it.
Feeling a strong hand on his shoulder, he looked up to see Hotchner looking down at him. Through the man's usual mask, Derek could see sadness and understanding. "Go to him, Morgan."
"But, Hotch," Morgan started, his voice cracking slightly from the tears he was holding back, "He doesn't want me too. He wants to be alone with her."
"I know," his boss said, "But you both need each other today. So go."
Looking around the office at the faces of his friends and coworkers he saw reassurance and encouragement.
That was all he needed.
He stood grabbing his coat and his keys before running out the door. The elevator was agony, going too slow, but soon enough he was out and running to his SUV. He got in, started the engine, and started driving out of the city before he let his mind wander to what led him here.
xXx
He and Spencer had been together for two years before they decided they wanted to start a family. Spencer was a carrier, a male who was able to get pregnant, so it wasn't rocket science on how it happened, but when it did, it was the most joyous day of their life. Nothing could bring them down.
Their coworkers were ecstatic, the girls immediately fawning over Reid and planning a baby shower and squealing over how cute the baby would be while Reid looked over to his partner, Rossi and Hotch begging with his eyes for help. Then men laughed because they knew that Spencer was equally excited.
When Spencer was four months pregnant, Derek started on a surprise for him. He, Rossi and Hotch started working on a nursery for the baby, not allowing Reid or the girls to see it. Derek promised Spence that as soon as the baby was born he would see what was inside the room that the men had blocked off.
Spencer trusted Derek knew what he was doing, but a part of him was terrified of being a parent. He didn't exactly come from an ideal household and neither did Derek. So what kind of parents would they be?
"We'll be great parents, Spence," Derek assured him one night when they were curled up together in bed, their hands entwined on Reid's slightly rounded stomach.
"How can you be so sure?" Spencer asked. "Do you know that statistics of people who have traumatic childhoods doing the similar things to their families when they grow up?"
"Baby boy, stop with the statistics and just listen to me. You being a carrier is a gift. You being able to give us this child is a gift. Why would we be given these wonderful gifts if we weren't meant to have a family?"
Spencer smiled up at him. "I love you, Derek."
"I love you too, Spence."
Their happiness was short lived, however, when in the middle of his fifth month they were out on a case. Spencer had stayed with the local officers when the team went to confront the unsub, more on Derek's insistence than actually wanting to just sit around not doing anything. However, they soon realized that the unsub was not where they had expected him to be. Spencer had been on the phone with Derek, who said they were going to go back to the station and regroup, when the unsub walked right into the station, gun in hand.
He started shooting before one of the officers was able to return fire. However in the few seconds his finger was on the trigger he got in a couple good shots. He managed to hit three men; one was shot in the arm, one in the leg, and Reid in the stomach.
As he lay there, losing blood he was aware of several things: he was aware of pain radiating through his body from the bullet wound; he was aware of two officers kneeling over him, putting pressure on the wound and trying to keep him talking, but he was in shock, only managing to say, "My baby," over and over again; and the last thing he was aware of was Derek's voice, coming from the phone which he had dropped, yelling at him wanting to know what was going on. And the blackness consumed his vision.
xXx
As Derek sped down the road, he remembered how terrified he had been. He had heard gunshot and then Spencer had stopped talking. He and the team had raced back to the station to find out that Spencer had been raced to the hospital after being shot by the unsub.
He remembered racing into the hospital and running up to the desk demanding information about his partner. He had scared the nurse, and it wasn't until Prentiss and Rossi pulled him away to calm him down and Hotch had stepped forward to talk, calmly, to the nurse that they were told Reid had been taken into emergency surgery to remove the bullet and deliver the baby. The bullet had missed the fetus and hadn't caused any damage to it, but the trauma had caused Spencer to go into premature labor and the only option was to have an emergency C-section.
Derek swore he was dead for those five hours it took for a doctor to come find them and tell them that Reid was out of surgery. The number of visitors was limited so Derek went into the room while the rest of the team waited outside. Spencer was still out from the drugs, but the doctor assured Derek that a scar would be the only physical reminder of what happened.
When he inquired about his baby, the doctor went silent. He led Derek away from his partner and to the NICU where he was shown to a large window and into a room with numerous incubators and machines keeping high-risk babies alive. The doctor indicated to the incubator that a nurse in scrubs carefully pushed over to the window. Inside was the smallest most beautiful thing he had ever seen. The baby was extremely small, could probably fit in the palm of his hand, and was unmoving, but Derek could tell he/she was alive by the slight rise and fall of the chest and the beeping heart monitor connected to the incubator.
"She was four months early," the doctor started. "Her lungs aren't fully developed, so she is struggling to breathe. Her bones are brittle, not having the time to fully mature in her mother's womb. Her immune system is nowhere near strong enough to handle the outside world on its own. She-"
"What are you telling me, doc?" Derek asked, his eyes never leaving his little girl, his daughter. He knew what the risks were with her being so premature, and he didn't like the doctor just beating around the bush.
The doctor sighed. "We do not expect her to survive. It's too early. If she makes it through the night I give her a day, a week at most. But the odds of her making it through-"
"I don't need odds or statistics right now, doc," he interrupted. "Spencer gives me enough of those."
"Of course," the doctor said. He placed a reassuring hand on Morgan's shoulder. "I'm sorry. We will do all we can, but nothing is guaranteed."
The FBI agent said nothing, just stood there, staring at the little thing he had helped create. The little person whose mom was knocked out from drugs who had no idea he had a daughter. A daughter who was fighting for her life and who the odds were against.
Putting a hand flat against the glass separating him and his daughter, Derek let the tears fall.
xXx
When Spencer awoke the next day, he found Derek in the chair next to his bed, brooding. He immediately knew something was wrong and he knew it had to do with his baby. He could feel it.
"Derek?"
Morgan snapped out of it and was immediately kissing him, asking him if he was okay if he needed anything. But Spencer didn't reply. He merely held up a hand and waited for his partner to quiet down. When Derek fell silent Reid asked, "Derek…what happened to my baby?"
Derek's face fell and he collapsed back into the chair. Spencer was not going to take this well.
xXx
As soon as Spencer was strong enough he spent all his time in the NICU. He sat in a rocking chair next to his daughter's incubator, one hand in the box keeping his little girl alive, his fingers clutching her tiny, tiny hand.
Derek walked in after having gotten off the phone with a hysterical Garcia. Penelope was upset that she was stuck in Quantico when all this was happening and that no one had called to update her. She had said she was driving the three hours to their current location because there was no way she was leaving her men to go through this alone.
Walking over to his partner, he put one hand on Reid's shoulder the other joining Spencer's in touching their daughter.
"She needs a name," Derek said after a moment of silence. They hadn't even talked about what they were going to name her. They hadn't even thought of any possibilities.
But Spencer didn't hesitate as he responded, "Lucy. Her name is Lucy."
Derek smiled. "Lucy…You're gonna fit right in, Lucy. We'll be out of here and taking you home soon, baby girl."
xXx
Lucy passed away that night, only three days after being born and four hours after being named.
xXx
Hey Lucy, I remember your name
Derek stood next to his SUV staring out over the field of gravestones. It took no time at all to find what he was looking for. He knew that exact location of the stone, it only helped that he could see his partner curled up in front of it, a bundle of roses in front of him.
I left a dozen roses on your grave today
He walked up to Reid from behind, the only noise being the slight wind and the leaves crunching under his feet. Spencer was sitting with his knees curled to his chest, arms wrapped around his legs and his chin resting on his knees, just staring at the grave. Derek knew he had been there since he had left their house early that morning, unmoving.
I'm in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away
"Spencer."
The man turned around to stare in shock. "Derek." His voice was rough, his eyes red and puffy. "What are you doing here?"
I just came to talk for a while
"I asked you not to come! I've asked you every year not to come! This is my time with her! Why are you here?"
I got some things I need to say
Despite the fact that his lover was angry, Derek stayed calm. "I'm here, Spence, because she was my daughter too. You think I don't miss her? You think I don't care enough to be here?"
The anger faded from Reid's face and exhaustion took its place.
Now that it's over
"Because I do, babe. I miss her. Every day. I miss what could have been. I spend every day wondering what it would be like if she had survived…if that case had never happened."
I just wanna hold her
Tears fell from Spencer's eyes as Derek took a step toward him.
"I have watched you these past two years, slowly waste away. You bottle everything up, won't talk to anyone, you won't let me in. Babe, if I could turn back time and change everything I would. I would give up everything if it meant having her here and having you go back to your statistic spouting self, because face it, babe, the team and I haven't gotten our daily dose of useless trivia in a long time."
I'd give up all the world to see
That little piece of heaven looking back at me
Reid let out a little noise that was half-way between a sob and a chuckle before falling into his lover's strong arms. He sobbed into the leather of Derek's jacket, letting out everything that he had held in since his daughter's death two years ago. He let Derek lower them to the ground, didn't fight when Derek pulled him into his lap, and cried even harder as Morgan ran a reassuring hand through Spencer's brown locks.
Now that it's over
I just wanna hold her
Spencer had been terrible to Derek the past years, he knew he had. The two had barely been intimate and when they were it was more to relieve the stress and tension of their job than it was to show how much they loved each other. Derek had tried to get him to see a therapist, to talk to someone, but he had refused. When Derek had suggested just a few months ago that they try again, Spencer had accused him of never loving Lucy, of never caring for her. He immediately wanted to say he was sorry, to take it back, but to that day he never had. And he hated himself for how he had treated the man he loved.
I've gotta live with the choices I made
And I can't live with myself today
"I'm sorry," he said, sniffling.
"For what?" Derek asked quietly.
"For everything," Spencer said. "I've treated you so terribly since this started, I don't know why you stayed with me."
"I stayed because I love you, Spence."
"But I…everything I've done…everything I said…"
"I know you didn't mean it, babe. If I was in your shoes…I probably would have reacted the same way. You were connected to her in a way I wasn't, you felt-feel that loss more than I do."
"But I completely ignored that fact that you were hurting too. You should hate me!"
"No, Spence…I could never hate you."
They sat in silence for a while longer before Reid spoke again. "You know, Lucy would be three years old today…"
Hey Lucy, I remembered your birthday
They said it'd bring some closure to say your name
I know I'd do it all different if I had the chance
Derek smiled to himself. It was the first time Spencer had said their daughter's name out loud since they had buried her. "Yeah, I bet she would be a big 'ol ball of energy."
Spencer chuckled. "She'd be learning colors and shapes, talking more…"
"No she wouldn't."
But all I got are these roses to give
And they can't help me make amends
Spencer looked up at Derek in confusion. "What? Those are typical developmental milestones for a three year old."
"No, I mean she would have already learned that stuff."
"What makes you so sure?"
Derek looked down at him with so much love in his eyes it made Spencer tear up. "Because you're her mommy."
Now that it's over
I just wanna hold her
I'd give up all the world to see
That little piece of heaven looking back at me
Now that it's over
I just wanna hold her
I've gotta live with the choices I made
And I can't live with myself today
Suddenly, Derek found himself on his back, Spencer straddling his waist and looking down at him. Before he could say anything though, Spencer had leaned down and claimed his mouth in a kiss that was so full of love that the older man was floored. It was the first time Spencer had kissed him like that since…
Here we are, now you're in my arms
I never wanted anything so bad
Here we are, for a brand new start
Living the life that we could've had
When Spencer pulled back he was crying again. "I love you, Derek. So much. So, so much."
Derek smiled, it had been so long since he had heard his lover utter those words. "I love you too, Baby Boy. With all I am." Leaning up he kissed Spencer, putting everything he had into it.
Me and Lucy walking hand in hand
Me and Lucy never wanna end
Just another moment in your eyes
I'll see you in another life
In heaven where we never say goodbye
"I wanna try again, Derek," Spencer whispered when they parted.
His eyes widened in shock. "Really? Spencer, are you sure?"
Reid bit his lip in thought, turning to look at the grave of their daughter, before looking back at his lover. "Yes, I'm sure. But, as long as you promise that we don't forget her."
Derek's eyes softened and he gently cupped Spencer's cheek. "Pretty boy, we will never forget Lucy."
Here we are, now you're in my arms
Here we are for a brand new start
Got to live with the choices I've made
And I can't live with myself today
Me and Lucy walking hand in hand
Me and Lucy never wanna end
Got to live with the choices I've made
And I can't live with myself today
Late that night after they had made love for the first time in years, they lay together in bed. Spencer was on his back, Derek curled protectively around him, asleep, and in his hand he held a small, black and white, dust covered photo. He smiled as a tear slipped down his skin.
"Hey Lucy, I remember your name."