glitter.
[Because Everyone seems to be posting their story. I'LL just join in]
** Confessions of A Gothic Lolita Drama Queen **
Writing; Because there is no greater freedom in caging yourself...
- W. Serena
So How do I start this then, ''I was born, I grew up? '' I could. But I won't.
SO I will start like this...
I am what they call, a ''Gothic Lolita''. an elegant little princess who loves cute things, and finds beauty in her darkness.
I haven't always been a Lolita though. I used to be just a simple little goth girl, and before that had some weird skater-I-like-P.diddy-fase.. which was so embarrassing that I will never speak of that xd.
I first heard about Gothic Lolita some years back, from when I started listening to J-rock. However, I didn't really started wearing it till 2005, and actively, in 2006. I completely fell in Love with It's elegance, with it's cuteness, with it's freedom.
or so I thought.. Because, really, Lolita's are anything but free.
do you know a Lolita? Then you must know that there are a lot of rules to the ''Lolita Scene''.
- your skirt can't be too short, or too long
-the lace can't be cheap
- Brand is brand.. no ''cheap clothing'' allowed.
-and many more.
Also, unfortunately, I have to agree with Riona. many Lolita's are mean or act elite, just because they have more dresses then others.
They look down on you, edit your foto's and bash you completely to the ground. just because of something you, or the people you know, might have worn once.
But not all are like that.
on the Kövit convention in cologne , I met my best friends, and treasure them very much. They are wonderful people and even though don't see eachother as often as I would like, I love them.
But Back to me, as a Gothic Lolita.
The first time I wore ''Moi-Meme-Moitie'' , I remember crying. I felt so happy, because I worked so many hours to be able to afford it!
(in a horrible supermarket..-.-)
Soon after, many dresses followed, and It was always worth the many hours I worked after school.
It made me unhappy too. strangely.
because just when I bought something new, I would turn around, and another person bought 10 times as much.
it made me angry to.
people were spending fortune's on clothing, while I had to work so hard for a hairbow. and they pretended it was nothing.
That had always been the darker side I think many lolita's experience. There is SO much jealousy, SO much envy, So many superficial things to consider.
It also added something to my charackter. I have always been a rather.. theatrical person. a dramatic person. But I wasn't always so flamboyant.
People who read this know will propably laugh, but I used to be a wallflower like no other.
afraid to speak, afraid to stand out, afraid of everything. ...I'm not anymore though.
Partially it has to do with my love for the Japanese culture, gaining strength from that. Ofcourse, also, my friends.
Being a lolita added to that as well. I felt more beautiful in the clothes, I could be the princess that waited to be rescued from a village of christian idiots. That gave me so much confidence.
Did you know that someone can actually feel happy about the fact that she's being stared at?
Did you know that someone can actually feel loved because 1 good remark overpowers a1000 insults?
Did you know one could feel beautiful just by feeling free?
I hope you do.
As time went by, I grew more and more into the Lolita culture, And I had a tight circle of friends which made me so happy. People like me, somewhat decadent, somewhat theathrical, and all were beautiful.
But, I also grew to be annoyed by some things. I had to to travel alot to see some of them, but the mainfocus on those events was always photos. I mean, I understand. There are very few subcultures who enjoy pretty photo's as much as the Lolita's do.
To surround yourself with beauty.... why not?
But then again, I think I crossed a barrier at one point where these people weren't just fellow Lolita's but my friends. and I really don't see the point in these everlasting phoshoots who get redone again and again, just because a ribbon wasn't ''perfect''
Lolita's are people who want to be perfectly beautiful.
perfect dresses.
perfect hair.
perfect nails
perfect body.
Again, understandible, but I am often worried about how seriousely people take this.
When I started studying Japanese, another freedom came. And I grew very close to some people, and even fell in love at one point.
Throughout the year I started to wonder ''what was Lolita?'' and ''was I a true lolita?''
did that even matter?
and when I stopped studying, and started to work, I decided to find out.
I wanted to know more about who I was, about what kind of person I wanted to be, and what is important to me.
I always thought that stuyding Japanese, wearing lolita almost everyday, and living on my own, taught me so much about life.
But the months I spent out of it, I got back to where I want to go with my life. I have many sides to myself.
The lolita, that is decadent and a pretty doll.
The silly girl with dramatic facial expressions
the girl who is always afraid and worries she''ll fail.
The girl that loves.
The crazy little j-rock fan.
I have changed alot over the past few months´, And really want to study Japanese again, but not right now.
right now I want to work, save up some money, calm down, grow up some more, and learn to focus. Next year I'll be back^__^!!!
*Blows kisses!!!!!*
..
....
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One last thing.
an update about my mother. They found 2 tumors. 1 was the size of a tennisball and was a ''good' one. The other was the size of a fist.. and wasn't. luckily, they noticed it rather early. so the doctors are checking if and when they can do a operation.
she's had some more MRI-scans, and we are still waiting for more results.
thanks for all support.
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Lastly, In response to Haru's post I request the same thing..
''Post your strongest memory of us. It can be good, or bad! I promise not to yell xd *wink*''
Love,
w.Serena