When did the meaning of let's go on a date = ........?
When did the meaning of let's go on a date change from a evening spent doing something together to reconnect to just oh lets have sex? Am I missing something here? Did I not get the office memo about the change of status of what a date is? I am confused. The other night I asked my current partner when would he have an opening in his schedule so we could plan a date? Well he said oh I have a couple of hours on said night, ya that sound like fun a romp would be great! "Date=Sex?" Um, o.k. Not the answer I was looking for, but o.k. But what can I expect from the man who on our the last real date we had he invited his daughter along. I am trying to stay into the relationship but I am just losing all interest in trying to inspire any romance any more. I feel like I am doing all the work and he is along for the ride.
Over the years I have also watched him let various of his relationships that were once super close and intimate just fade away and in some ways die. He just seems to with draw into himself and spends every waking moment living in the the game world either virtual or paper. When we do connect and have a conversation it always ends with him upset for one reason or another due to the fact he spends chunk of it making himself feel superior to me, which in turns makes me feel bad ,so I get snappy and no longer interested in or desire to be lectured too.
I know he doesn't know he does it. I would love to tell him he does, but the last time I tried to the discussion ended in a huge fight and nothing was resolved. Everything went back to how he likes everything. If no one "ME" doesn't want to rock the boat, I just have to shut up, put my head down, and go through life with blinders own to just keep the peace. I have tried to tell him when he states his house our his kitchen or when he discusses the past he uses “we”, but this a completely different group not including me from his past. I know he had life before me, but some days he makes it sound like he would rather be back there and here. You know what it hurts. Some days I feel like he just settled for me cause he didn't see anything better coming along. He does try in the relationship, like the weekend of Yule, he did all the driving all over Ca. with me and daughter to attend various parties to see various friends off on their journeys or to celebrate Yule. Yet, in him doing this felt forced and well felt like he would have loved to have been any where else other than where we were that weekend, which in turn made most of a very long weekend very UN-fun for me.
Maybe, I am just asking for too much. Maybe, I am a selfish, self center person for wanting a primary that wants to go go do things with me and maybe once in a while just me and actually have fun. O.k. I a bad person I am just tired of having to share every waking moment with his daughter. I am tired of getting the grumpy, not interested in doing anything fun with me cause he is tired from doing things with her. I am tired of being forced to listen to them talk all through dinner about how wonderful Texas is and how they miss this and that. I am tired of being forced to listen to them plan things with out me. I am tired of having them stepping all over my feelings. I am tired of being the third wheel in my own relationship. Yes I am a B*&)$^! I am tired of playing second! Dammit! once in a while I would like to be the center of attention. I didn't sign up for this, I do not have to play nice, I don't have to go along and play house like it is normal. Nothing about the situation I am in is normal, healthy or functional. He has blinders on when it comes to his daughter all dads do, I understand. I am just tired of having to take in her feelings about things when she doesn't really care about mine. I am tired of when I voice my grievances about something and if it is because of his princess I become the Wicked Witch of the West with no heart. I am tried of walking on egg shells on any subject that might include her.
As a token of me trying to show her that I am trying to included her in the house hold, I gave her a Yule gift. Yet got nothing not even a thank you from her for the act. How am I suppose to feel about that? I am a second class citizen in my own house. I have no rights to be upset, or feel that my feelings have been stomped on. I am suppose to smile and pretend that everything is wonderful and go on and make my own life outside the house. Oh and she announced at a dinner out that was suppose to be a date for me and her dad, lol that she would allow us to throw her a birthday party. What the &$##! The last party that was thrown was for the boy. He did help some, but most of it was me and you know what I am really done cause after and during the party no one else really bothered to help. I am tired of being the responsible one. I am super tired of being the one who tries to go out of my way to make something special and magical. I am tired of being the only one who ever decides oh I want to do this and get of my but before the last minute to prepare for anything. I am sorry I am just ranting. This things are just making me cranky around the edges. I miss my life were if I felt like going to a club or down the street to the local bar for a drink I could. I am tired of the fact I make good money but I have nothing to show for it cause I am spending all my money on paying for living expenses. Call me what you want but I am tired of having to share all my experiences with another and have my experience or my moment down played cause of someone else's. I want those special magical moments of my own. I want to celebrate anniversaries, to have that song be our song and want to exchange little tokens of our feelings towards each other and I want these acts to be done because they felt right and the want to do it behind the feelings. I am tired of getting things done cause oh it will make her get off my back . What and who I fell in love with is not what I live with and I don't want to expend any more energy on something that is well not going to grow or change expand or even take in anyone else's feelings. I feel like I have be just swimming in circles and nothing has changed. Maybe it is me.
On a up note I have gotten into my the classes I need to continue on my degree track. I am super excited, yet nervous and scared at the same time. I have finally gotten o.k. With giving up the needed amount of my time to see this particular goal through. I will successed and I will be the best I can at it and I deserve it. I am also on a interesting track with my magical studies with MG. I am learning many new and rediscovering things about myself that I have forgotten. I am learning that I have what it takes to see through to my Priestesshood. Through this service I can and will be able to give back to my magical community. Sad to said it will be a lonely path, but I will grow as a person, proser, and learn how to love in more than a single way. I have made many new connections this year with new friends and I have said goodbye to many of them due to distance, yet one day very soon I will go and see them in their new environments and hopefully to see them growing, prospering and have happiness in their lives. I also will make the effort to reconnect with past and old friendships and make them stronger in the year to come. It is my time take a hard look down my own path and make that journey. With or with out companions I must yet again learn to stand on my own two feet ,the same as the first time I did it when I was just a babe. I am the only one who can make myself happy and once in awhile I must allow myself to be selfish and do what is best for me and not the community around me cause in the end me being happy with where I am is better for the community around me. Thanks to those who may have read this rant. It was more of a need to get off my chest a few of the things that have been weighing me down. My life isn't that bad and the only one that I can blame for it sucking is myself. I just have to stop hopping that maybe one day I will find that person who will make me happy and go back to the hard work that will get results that I desire and will in turn make my life wonderful. I just have to learn that once in a while it is o.k. To be selfish and focus on myself. Wow! I really am all over the board these days! Now I really could go for a yummy drink and some good friends.
Over the years I have also watched him let various of his relationships that were once super close and intimate just fade away and in some ways die. He just seems to with draw into himself and spends every waking moment living in the the game world either virtual or paper. When we do connect and have a conversation it always ends with him upset for one reason or another due to the fact he spends chunk of it making himself feel superior to me, which in turns makes me feel bad ,so I get snappy and no longer interested in or desire to be lectured too.
I know he doesn't know he does it. I would love to tell him he does, but the last time I tried to the discussion ended in a huge fight and nothing was resolved. Everything went back to how he likes everything. If no one "ME" doesn't want to rock the boat, I just have to shut up, put my head down, and go through life with blinders own to just keep the peace. I have tried to tell him when he states his house our his kitchen or when he discusses the past he uses “we”, but this a completely different group not including me from his past. I know he had life before me, but some days he makes it sound like he would rather be back there and here. You know what it hurts. Some days I feel like he just settled for me cause he didn't see anything better coming along. He does try in the relationship, like the weekend of Yule, he did all the driving all over Ca. with me and daughter to attend various parties to see various friends off on their journeys or to celebrate Yule. Yet, in him doing this felt forced and well felt like he would have loved to have been any where else other than where we were that weekend, which in turn made most of a very long weekend very UN-fun for me.
Maybe, I am just asking for too much. Maybe, I am a selfish, self center person for wanting a primary that wants to go go do things with me and maybe once in a while just me and actually have fun. O.k. I a bad person I am just tired of having to share every waking moment with his daughter. I am tired of getting the grumpy, not interested in doing anything fun with me cause he is tired from doing things with her. I am tired of being forced to listen to them talk all through dinner about how wonderful Texas is and how they miss this and that. I am tired of being forced to listen to them plan things with out me. I am tired of having them stepping all over my feelings. I am tired of being the third wheel in my own relationship. Yes I am a B*&)$^! I am tired of playing second! Dammit! once in a while I would like to be the center of attention. I didn't sign up for this, I do not have to play nice, I don't have to go along and play house like it is normal. Nothing about the situation I am in is normal, healthy or functional. He has blinders on when it comes to his daughter all dads do, I understand. I am just tired of having to take in her feelings about things when she doesn't really care about mine. I am tired of when I voice my grievances about something and if it is because of his princess I become the Wicked Witch of the West with no heart. I am tried of walking on egg shells on any subject that might include her.
As a token of me trying to show her that I am trying to included her in the house hold, I gave her a Yule gift. Yet got nothing not even a thank you from her for the act. How am I suppose to feel about that? I am a second class citizen in my own house. I have no rights to be upset, or feel that my feelings have been stomped on. I am suppose to smile and pretend that everything is wonderful and go on and make my own life outside the house. Oh and she announced at a dinner out that was suppose to be a date for me and her dad, lol that she would allow us to throw her a birthday party. What the &$##! The last party that was thrown was for the boy. He did help some, but most of it was me and you know what I am really done cause after and during the party no one else really bothered to help. I am tired of being the responsible one. I am super tired of being the one who tries to go out of my way to make something special and magical. I am tired of being the only one who ever decides oh I want to do this and get of my but before the last minute to prepare for anything. I am sorry I am just ranting. This things are just making me cranky around the edges. I miss my life were if I felt like going to a club or down the street to the local bar for a drink I could. I am tired of the fact I make good money but I have nothing to show for it cause I am spending all my money on paying for living expenses. Call me what you want but I am tired of having to share all my experiences with another and have my experience or my moment down played cause of someone else's. I want those special magical moments of my own. I want to celebrate anniversaries, to have that song be our song and want to exchange little tokens of our feelings towards each other and I want these acts to be done because they felt right and the want to do it behind the feelings. I am tired of getting things done cause oh it will make her get off my back . What and who I fell in love with is not what I live with and I don't want to expend any more energy on something that is well not going to grow or change expand or even take in anyone else's feelings. I feel like I have be just swimming in circles and nothing has changed. Maybe it is me.
On a up note I have gotten into my the classes I need to continue on my degree track. I am super excited, yet nervous and scared at the same time. I have finally gotten o.k. With giving up the needed amount of my time to see this particular goal through. I will successed and I will be the best I can at it and I deserve it. I am also on a interesting track with my magical studies with MG. I am learning many new and rediscovering things about myself that I have forgotten. I am learning that I have what it takes to see through to my Priestesshood. Through this service I can and will be able to give back to my magical community. Sad to said it will be a lonely path, but I will grow as a person, proser, and learn how to love in more than a single way. I have made many new connections this year with new friends and I have said goodbye to many of them due to distance, yet one day very soon I will go and see them in their new environments and hopefully to see them growing, prospering and have happiness in their lives. I also will make the effort to reconnect with past and old friendships and make them stronger in the year to come. It is my time take a hard look down my own path and make that journey. With or with out companions I must yet again learn to stand on my own two feet ,the same as the first time I did it when I was just a babe. I am the only one who can make myself happy and once in awhile I must allow myself to be selfish and do what is best for me and not the community around me cause in the end me being happy with where I am is better for the community around me. Thanks to those who may have read this rant. It was more of a need to get off my chest a few of the things that have been weighing me down. My life isn't that bad and the only one that I can blame for it sucking is myself. I just have to stop hopping that maybe one day I will find that person who will make me happy and go back to the hard work that will get results that I desire and will in turn make my life wonderful. I just have to learn that once in a while it is o.k. To be selfish and focus on myself. Wow! I really am all over the board these days! Now I really could go for a yummy drink and some good friends.