Death at Dawn
1200 boards overnight.
For 3 days I had only 400 boards to do...that means 400 for ALL three days. The yesterday...an hour before I leave, I get 600. I did 200 before leaving, and then right after I leave...Viola delivers me 800 more. She needs to stop hoarding boards and just do her job the right way.
I know why Brandon is being abig brat this week...He now understands that if he goes to sleep at night that I won't be there when he wakes up. It's heart breaking but he has to learn that I will come back. It's going to hurt him so much when I leave October 14th...but he'll be ok. I ope...I'll need to talk to him everyday until I arrive home. Man...I miss him already and he's just asleep in the other room...
Even though it'll be sad to leave him...I'm excited to go as well. It's just the whole...me being alone with the people I care about that I don't see so often. It'll be fun...so can't wait!!! First time flying and shit. I hope I don't get sick.
I don't want to think of the bad stuff that could happen on the flight...But:
What if I sit next to a creepy person? Or what if the person next to me gets sick in which would make ME sick? What if we crash? What if theres a big delay? What if the tuberlance is bad? But the flight is only an hour and a half (or so)...so it couldn't be that bad...right?
I wanted to hang out with people on my birthday but I guess not...it's the only day off Jon has hat week and it'd be good to be with real people other then snobby (or nice) co-workers. But of course...everytime I come up with a plan on a certain day, everyone seems to have plans. But of course they always get frustrated with me for making plans with a WEEK or more in advance...then they don't understand why I can't do the day they offered. Hello? I have a kid. I mean...who the fuck is going to watch him? Duh...I mean...instead of beating around the bush and trying to explain your entire schedule you have that day, just say:
I have plans that day...do you have plans these days? (give days)...and then we can really plan something out. But nope. I guess it's just me and Jon. Alone. No friends like always. I guess me and him will get our paycheks and get the things we need...then have a night to ourselves. Maybe me and him could go play pool or something. Always fun...
I hate wearing a bandana to work. It's annoying, but if it keeps people from staring at my shaved head...then so be it.
I hate it...it makes my face look so fat...ok...I'm already fat...It makes my face look fatter then before. I need to lose weight...A LOT of weight. It really sucks.
I'll have to find my wheel and do that again. It won't be so bad but I don't like the whole 'self-conscience' thing. I'd feel awkward at clubs and shit...man...
I wish I looked as good as I did before pregnancy...
I had facial features...I could sit without a huge roll...my lower belly was as firm as it would get...I didn't have all these stretchmarks...I wore a size 16 that was a bit too big in the waist...I wore a L shirt...in which was slightly baggy...I would get looked at by guys...I could move without getting out of breath...
I hate this...but I can't seem to stop. I feel safe behind these extra layers..It's like I'm afraid of losing weight.
Maybe I'm afraid I'll find someone better then Jon...Maybe I'm afraid I'll find someone worse then Jon. Maybe I'm afraid of losing the security...Maybe I'm afraid of losing him completely...Maybe I don't want to have Brandon in a broken family.
I need to lose the weight for Brandon.
For myself.
I need to lose it.
I'll end up sick or dead or so sick I wish I was dead.
I need to get out of this grave I'm digging myself into.
I've been so hateful towards Jon lately...I don't really know why. I really do love him...it's just that some of the things he does pisses me off. Like...I ask him to do something...Like...was a bottle while I comfort Brandon...or asking if he could gather some clothes so I can wash them.
I think the biggest problem is him waiting to feed Brandon until after he eats. Brandon comes first.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess this is the end of a very long entry.
Kat- I love you...I know you don't love me the same way...but I love you...Oh god I love you. I can never stop thinking about you...and to think that you've changed so much...makes my throat close up to the size of a pin...and it burns...oh god it burns...I want to see you...I want to be near you...I want to love you...but I know I can't. You don't love me this way...you don't care for me this way...I need to give up and let dreams be dreams...
For 3 days I had only 400 boards to do...that means 400 for ALL three days. The yesterday...an hour before I leave, I get 600. I did 200 before leaving, and then right after I leave...Viola delivers me 800 more. She needs to stop hoarding boards and just do her job the right way.
I know why Brandon is being abig brat this week...He now understands that if he goes to sleep at night that I won't be there when he wakes up. It's heart breaking but he has to learn that I will come back. It's going to hurt him so much when I leave October 14th...but he'll be ok. I ope...I'll need to talk to him everyday until I arrive home. Man...I miss him already and he's just asleep in the other room...
Even though it'll be sad to leave him...I'm excited to go as well. It's just the whole...me being alone with the people I care about that I don't see so often. It'll be fun...so can't wait!!! First time flying and shit. I hope I don't get sick.
I don't want to think of the bad stuff that could happen on the flight...But:
What if I sit next to a creepy person? Or what if the person next to me gets sick in which would make ME sick? What if we crash? What if theres a big delay? What if the tuberlance is bad? But the flight is only an hour and a half (or so)...so it couldn't be that bad...right?
I wanted to hang out with people on my birthday but I guess not...it's the only day off Jon has hat week and it'd be good to be with real people other then snobby (or nice) co-workers. But of course...everytime I come up with a plan on a certain day, everyone seems to have plans. But of course they always get frustrated with me for making plans with a WEEK or more in advance...then they don't understand why I can't do the day they offered. Hello? I have a kid. I mean...who the fuck is going to watch him? Duh...I mean...instead of beating around the bush and trying to explain your entire schedule you have that day, just say:
I have plans that day...do you have plans these days? (give days)...and then we can really plan something out. But nope. I guess it's just me and Jon. Alone. No friends like always. I guess me and him will get our paycheks and get the things we need...then have a night to ourselves. Maybe me and him could go play pool or something. Always fun...
I hate wearing a bandana to work. It's annoying, but if it keeps people from staring at my shaved head...then so be it.
I hate it...it makes my face look so fat...ok...I'm already fat...It makes my face look fatter then before. I need to lose weight...A LOT of weight. It really sucks.
I'll have to find my wheel and do that again. It won't be so bad but I don't like the whole 'self-conscience' thing. I'd feel awkward at clubs and shit...man...
I wish I looked as good as I did before pregnancy...
I had facial features...I could sit without a huge roll...my lower belly was as firm as it would get...I didn't have all these stretchmarks...I wore a size 16 that was a bit too big in the waist...I wore a L shirt...in which was slightly baggy...I would get looked at by guys...I could move without getting out of breath...
I hate this...but I can't seem to stop. I feel safe behind these extra layers..It's like I'm afraid of losing weight.
Maybe I'm afraid I'll find someone better then Jon...Maybe I'm afraid I'll find someone worse then Jon. Maybe I'm afraid of losing the security...Maybe I'm afraid of losing him completely...Maybe I don't want to have Brandon in a broken family.
I need to lose the weight for Brandon.
For myself.
I need to lose it.
I'll end up sick or dead or so sick I wish I was dead.
I need to get out of this grave I'm digging myself into.
I've been so hateful towards Jon lately...I don't really know why. I really do love him...it's just that some of the things he does pisses me off. Like...I ask him to do something...Like...was a bottle while I comfort Brandon...or asking if he could gather some clothes so I can wash them.
I think the biggest problem is him waiting to feed Brandon until after he eats. Brandon comes first.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess this is the end of a very long entry.
Kat- I love you...I know you don't love me the same way...but I love you...Oh god I love you. I can never stop thinking about you...and to think that you've changed so much...makes my throat close up to the size of a pin...and it burns...oh god it burns...I want to see you...I want to be near you...I want to love you...but I know I can't. You don't love me this way...you don't care for me this way...I need to give up and let dreams be dreams...