Untitled: A Story Without A Name Part 1/2
Title: Untitled: Part 1/2
Author: VampireMadonna
Pairing: YunJae
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst to the extreme.
Synopsis: Jae is beginning to crumble under the strain that's been weighing him down since the lawsuit began. One night, after a concert, Yunho pays him a visit...
A/N: I wrote this for a contest but it didn't place so please enjoy while you wait for the update of Second Chances which is, unfortunately, late yet again... ><
RE Title: The title I initially submitted the fic with for the contest was just a working title (Even If I Die, I Can't Let You Go), I still have no idea what to call it and so I figured why title it at all, hence Untitled. Then I remembered Yuchun's song and stuck it in there. If you have any ideas for a title, let me know and I'll consider it. It kinda feels incomplete without one.
“Yunho! Yunho! YunJae!”
They were at it again.
Don’t they ever get tired?, he wondered.
They’d been doing it for years, chanting it like some kind of religious mantra. Of course, it was okay back then, before… And it wasn’t just at concerts that he had to endure it, they also messaged him regularly on social networks.
He heaved a mental sigh while his lips stretched into their customary smile of acknowledgment.
Just dig the knife deeper, why don’t you...
Some fans he had. Perhaps they weren’t his fans. Maybe they really hated him and this was their way of showing it. If they truly cared about him, wouldn’t they consider his feelings? Wouldn’t they stop for a minute and wonder how he felt? Didn’t they know that it hadn’t been easy for him to do what he did? Couldn’t they see that it hurt? That with every recitation of his name, the crack in his heart deepened another inch?
Anger simmered just beneath the surface. His eyes locked onto a placard with a picture of him and Yunho, their beloved nickname, ‘YunJae,’ emblazoned in glittery lights. He was ferociously tempted to run up there, snatch it and break it over someone’s head.
Thankfully, the show was soon called to a close. He bowed to the crowd and immediately made his way off stage, ignoring the puzzled glances exchanged between Junsu and Yoochun. He went straight to the dressing room and started packing up his things, not bothering to change.
“I’ll meet you guys in the car,” he said over his shoulder to the two who had followed silently in his wake.
“Jae…” Yoochun began but was cut off when Jae left the room without so much as a backward glance.
Junsu sighed deeply. “Here we go again.”
The ride to the hotel was filled with silence. Junsu and Yoochun sat in the back casting worried glances towards the frozen stiff yet fuming Jaejoong. They had no idea how to begin a conversation with him and he made no attempt to start one with them in turn so they left him alone. Their relief was palpable when the van finally pulled into the hotel’s underground parking lot. They rode the elevator to the 15th floor, again in silence, then went their separate ways: Jae to the left of the elevator and the other two down the opposite end of the hall.
Jae let himself into his room. There was no thought behind his movements: he was on auto-pilot for the time being. His mind was still back at the concert. He saw himself with one of those dratted signs clenched in his hands as he vented, ripping it to shreds. It would feel so good, the temporary release. How perfect it would be to just let go for a minute, to pour all his anger and rage out unto an inanimate object. It couldn’t talk back and he wouldn’t go to jail for killing it. It would be…bliss.
With a sigh, he strode into his bedroom, discarding his clothes as he went along. He made his way into the shower and turned the faucet on, tensing as the hot water sluiced over his body. Eventually, he relaxed under the spray as the warmth seeped into his aching bones. He couldn’t go on like this. He had to do something about the fire in his veins before he exploded. He’d seen speculative looks on YooSu’s faces recently, knew that they were concerned. He didn’t want them worrying about him. He didn’t want them to see him as a liability either. He’d never endanger his career, least of all theirs. But he knew he needed a release and soon.
Perhaps a trip down to the bar, he considered. He could have a couple of drinks and perhaps find some company for the remainder of the night. Sure, there were a lot of couples in house at the moment but there were always guys that were on the down low about their sexuality. Those were the easiest to dally with because they had to be out of his bed and back into their lady’s by morning. It was a win-win situation all around.
Even as he thought it over, he found it distasteful. A quick physical release was all well and good when the body had needs that demanded attention but that didn’t apply to this particular situation. He wasn’t horny, he was heart-achy. He had to be honest with himself, it was impossible not to be. He missed him, the touch, sound, smell, feel, taste of him. Missed waking up to his smile first thing in the morning, going to bed sated and wrapped in his arms at night. He hadn’t been with anyone since but it wasn’t for a lack of trying. He’d tried to find refuge in someone else’s arms, even convinced himself once that he had, but when push came to shove, he hadn’t gone through with it. He found that he couldn’t bear the thought of being intimate with anyone else. He couldn’t, and didn’t want to, respond to anyone else’s touch. He’d given up and had been living a celibate life since.
Weary under the weight of his loneliness, he leaned his head against the marble tiles of the bathroom wall as the water continued to rain down on him. He didn’t know how long he stayed that way but the water had become tepid and he was starting to prune by the time he finally turned the shower off. He grabbed a big, fluffy towel and dried himself briskly before wrapping it low on his hips. He grabbed a smaller, thick towel and quickly dried his hair, then let it rest around his shoulders. He purposely ignored the mirror as he walked past it on his way out. He didn’t need to see how much of a mess he looked. He had a pretty good idea.
He pushed the door to the bedroom open and came to an abrupt halt at the sight before him. His heart skipped a beat, the fissure within it deepening further. Taking a slow step into the room, he forced himself to be calm. Eyes narrowed, body held rigid, he put as much venom into his voice as was present in his heart. “What are you doing here?”
“Well, hello to you too, Princess,” Yunho retorted.
God, he’s beautiful. Even after all this time, just his physical presence was enough to strike Yunho speechless. Thankfully the delay in his mental faculties didn’t last as long as it usually did and he’d been able to come back with a witty response in a timely fashion. No need for Jae to know how much he still affected him.
“I believe you dropped these.” He let the pile of clothes he’d picked up from the floor fall from his limp fingers onto the chaise by the window.
“Yunho…” JaeJoong’s voice was little more than a warning growl.
“What, so I can’t come see you? Don’t you miss me? Not even a little?” he joked.
“I’m really not in the mood for your games, Yunho,” Jae said walking fully into the room. “Now is not a good time.”
What’s wrong, baby?, Yunho yearned to ask. Then he would’ve taken him into his arms and whispered comforting words until he felt better. He was really tempted to give into these urges but he stopped himself. It wasn’t his place anymore…and it wasn’t like he didn’t know the anwer anyway.
“What crawled up your butt?”
Jae growled deep in his throat. “Look, I’ve had a rough night, okay. It’s not exactly easy getting up on stage and having to smile like there’s nothing wrong. Do you know how hard it is, hearing them call your name night after night? “Yunho, Yunho, Yunho!” And then, when they really want to drive the stake in deep, “YunJae!” I’m so damn tired of it all.” He bit down on his tongue to stop himself from continuing, instantly regretting that he’d already said too much.
Yunho scoffed, his ire rising. “Do you think it’s a cake-walk for me? ‘Oppa,’” he mimicked in the perfect pitch of an obnoxious teen girl, “‘how could you just let Jaejoong oppa go? Why didn’t you make him stay, oppa? Or go with him? Oppa, how could you let your JaeBoo go?’” Yunho’s hands clenched into fists at his side, a vein ticking along his jaw. “Everywhere I go, I’m constantly bombarded with questions I can’t answer. If I defend myself, then it makes me look like a jerk, like I’m betraying you, and if I defend you…well, we know what would happen then don’t we?”
Jae’s eyes tightened but he said nothing.
“So don’t cry to me about how shitty your life is, baby. I’ve got enough problems of my own.” Yunho took a threatening step forward. “Besides… None of this would have happened if you hadn’t…”
Jae cut him off, shaking his head. “Do not go there, Yunho.”
“You left me,” Yunho stated flatly.
“And you let me go!” Jae shouted back. “You didn’t stop me, Yunho, and you could’ve come with me, were supposed to come with me, but you didn’t so don’t even try to play the victim here.”
Jae turned away, attempting to recapture his composure. Suddenly, he laughed, the sound tinged with hysteria. “You know, I was this close to attacking a fan tonight. She had one of those bloody ‘YunJae’ signs that they love to torment me with and all I could think about was breaking it over her head, paying her back for the pain I suffered seeing it. They have no idea how I feel, how close to the edge I am. If they did, they’d stay the hell away from me.”
Sighing wearily, he turned back to face Yunho. “Why did you come here, Yunho? What do you want?”
“Look…”
“Don’t get too comfortable,” Jae interjected when Yunho started slipping off his coat, “you aren’t staying.”
Yunho paused with one arm free, the other still in the coat sleeve. A wicked smile played on his lips as he slowly slipped the other arm free, letting the coat fall to the floor at his feet. “Aren’t I?”
“Why is it that you only come to me when you need your dick massaged? I’m sure there are many other guys who would be perfectly willing to lend you a hand…among other things.”
Yunho chuckled softly, a malicious edge to it, as he took another step forward. “Oh, but no one does it like you, baby…”
Jae’s eyes narrowed to slits. “Really? That’s not what I heard.” His tongue peeked out to wet his lips as a small smile tilted his mouth upwards. “How’s Changmin? You two seem to be getting cozy lately, by all accounts. Lots of HoMin rumors going around…”
Yunho narrowed the distance between them even more, his voice soft when he spoke. “And what about you, baby? You haven’t exactly been lonely if even half of what I’ve heard through the grapevine is true. There was the Japanese actress, then the model. Been watching any sunsets lately?” Yunho stopped in front of Jae with little more than a foot between them. “Never thought that was your preferred taste but what do I know? Hmm?” He raised his hand and trailed a long, slim finger down Jae’s cheek and throat. “What say you to that?”
Jae’s eyes flashed angrily as they gazed up into Yunho’s. He said nothing for a time, then spat, “Let’s just get this over with.”
“Gladly.”
In one swift move, Yunho’s hand slid through Jae’s wet hair, tilting his head back as his mouth came crashing down on Jae’s. Jae tried to turn his head, a last minute act of resistance, but Yunho’s other hand came up and gripped his chin, holding him in place under the assault of Yunho’s lips. Soon they were tumbling down onto the bed in a flurry of movement. There was no love, no tenderness. It was a battle of wills: mouth against mouth, hands grappling for dominion, one over the other. Even their legs moved ceaselessly as they strove to find purchase on the silky sheets. Yunho was currently in the lead since he held Jae pinned beneath him but Jae was giving as good as he got, his nails scorching a trail up Yunho’s bare back under his shirt while he bit down on his lip, the coppery taste of Yunho’s blood only inciting him further, like a lion who’d just taken the first bite of his freshly killed dinner.
Jae bucked his hips upward, trying to dislodge Yunho so he could take control, but Yunho wasn’t budging.
Breaking the kiss, Yunho licked his bloody lip while looking down into Jae’s anger-flushed face. He smiled. “I don’t remember you being this wild the other times I visited.” He bent his head to Jae’s neck, his tongue dashing out to lap at the sensitive spot there. He chuckled into Jae’s neck when he felt his fingers dig deeper into his back, his pelvis grinding into Yunho’s of their own accord while his body trembled in its aroused state. Yunho raised his head to look into Jae’s eyes again. “Maybe I should come more often.”
Jae glared up at him. “Bastard.”
Yunho claimed Jae’s lips again and they were off to round two.
While his lips assaulted Jae’s roughly, Yunho slid his hand down Jae’s side, smiling to himself when he felt Jae shiver, ‘til he got to the loose towel around Jae’s waist. With one quick tug, it fell open, exposing Jae’s lower body to his questing hand. He wasted no time before wrapping his hand tightly around Jae’s erect member and stroking it roughly.
Jae’s mouth tore from Yunho’s, a loud groan echoing off the walls as his head fell back onto the pillow. Yunho immediately seized Jae’s pleasure spot at his neck with his lips, continuing his attack as Jae’s body vibrated in response.
It was happening again. His body was betraying him. It was always like this whenever Yunho came to him. They’d fight their way to the bed then vent their frustrations on each other in the most carnal ways possible. He’d tried not to respond this time, wanting to stay on top of the game, but the power plays proved a lot more arousing than he realized. Yes, it was always like this. And then he’d wake up in the morning and Yunho would be gone…
The thought angered him so much that he found renewed strength and resumed his efforts to push Yunho off of him. But, alas, the asshole didn’t so much as twitch.
A new plan began forming in his mind. Jae ceased resisting, gentling his hands on Yunho’s back. Whereas before he was scoring his skin with his nails, now he soothed it, caressing the wounds with tender fingers. He sighed his pleasure, tilting his neck to expose more of his skin to Yunho’s seeking mouth.
Yunho raised his head and looked into Jae’s eyes. Jae gazed back at him, allowing a small smile to flit across his lips. He hoped that Yunho would read it as a sign of submission.
He did.
Yunho pressed a soft kiss to Jae’s mouth before sitting back on his heels. He un-tucked the hem of his shirt and Jae took over and unbuttoned it for him. He slid off the bed to remove his pants and underwear and as soon as he’d finished, Jae reared up, dragged him down to the bed and onto his back. Scrambling on top, he straddled Yunho’s hips and held both of Yunho’s hands above his head with one of his.
“My turn,” he announced.
Something flashed in Yunho’s eyes. “Jae…” he warned.
“Nuh-uh. You had your chance.”
Jae shifted his body until he lay between Yunho’s spread thighs. He needed both hands so he released Yunho’s. He placed one hand under Yunho’s hip, lifting him slightly, while the other wrapped around his manhood.
Staring intently into Yunho’s dark eyes, his gaze hard and full of hate, Jae aligned himself and started pushing against the tight ring of Yunho’s anus. Yunho flinched, his body tensing at the intrusion, but he didn’t say a word, only continued to stare back at Jae. Jae continued to push. It was painful for him too, the lack of lubrication pulling on the sensitive skin of his penis, but he wouldn’t back down. He kept going until he was fully embedded inside of Yunho. When he could go no further, he held his position. He was angry but he didn’t want to damage Yunho unnecessarily.
The pain screamed in Yunho’s mind. He felt like he was being torn apart, but he bit down on the inside of his cheek to keep from crying out. Jae needed this. He could see it in his eyes now, the pain. Yes, Jae really hated him. The hate was first and foremost but behind that he could see the suffering. He needed to vent, to release. Yunho was sure that Jae didn’t even realize he wasn’t fighting back, that he hadn’t from the moment he’d allowed himself to be overcome. As much as it hurt Yunho to be on the receiving end, he would do it. He loved Jae, would always love him, and if this helped ease the ache in his soul even an inch, he would endure it. It was all that was within his power to do at the moment.
Jae started moving, slow shallow thrusts at first, then deeper plunges as his hips picked up speed. The quiet unnerved him. Yunho wasn’t saying anything, just staring up at him with the oddest expression. It was…sympathetic, maybe even pitiable. How dare he feel sorry for Jae when Jae was in control?
“Cat got your tongue?” Jae asked sarcastically.
Yunho didn’t reply, just continued to look at him.
“What the fuck is this, reverse psychology?” Jae demanded angrily.
He completely withdrew from Yunho’s body, then plunged back in in one quick thrust. He heard the air escape from Yunho’s lungs in an audible ‘whoosh’ but still he said nothing, nor did he try to stop Jae as he continued to ram into him over and over again. Instead, he was moving with him, meeting his thrusts little by little.
“What the hell is this?”
Yunho lifted a hand, cupped Jae’s cheek gently. “I’m sorry,” he said simply.
Jae was startled. “Sorry? What for?”
The sympathy in Yunho’s eyes was clear as day now. Sympathy and guilt. “For the pain you’re feeling. I’m sorry for my part in it.”
“Don’t you feel sorry for me, Jung Yunho,” Jae spat. His words were punctuated by a thump of a fist on Yunho’s stomach. “Don’t you fucking pity me!”
Jae’s rhythm sped up, his breath coming faster as he sought to punish Yunho. How dare he feel sorry for him? It was unconscionable.
Yunho’s heart broke as he looked up into his love’s face. His fingers tenderly wiped away the tears that were now streaming unchecked down Jae’s cheek. He was sure that Jae didn’t even know he was crying, so wrapped up was he in his inner torment.
“I love you…” Yunho whispered.
Jae shook his head. “No.” He felt like a fist had closed around his heart and was literally squeezing the life out of it. His chest was so tight that he felt like he was suffocating, like he was on the verge of passing out. And still he kept going, his hips pumping frenetically.
Yunho trailed a finger along the tattoo on Jae’s left breast. Always keep the faith. It was a phrase that held so much meaning, for all of them. Jae was clearly struggling with his right now and Yunho was determined to help him through it. He let his finger drift down to Jae’s nipple, stroking it into a tight bud. He brought his legs up and wrapped them around Jae’s waist, adjusting his hips to the rhythm of Jae’s movements.
“Just let it go,” he murmured.
“No,” Jae groaned in agony.
“I’m right here with you, baby,” he assured him.
Jae shook his head, the tears flowing more heavily even as his body picked up speed.
Yunho ran his hands up and down Jae’s arms, across his shoulders, along the sensitive skin of his neck. He just wanted him to know that he was there with him, meeting him 100% of the way. He leaned up and kissed the motto on Jae’s chest.
It proved to be Jae’s undoing. With one final thrust, Jae spilled his seed in Yunho’s tight passage before collapsing on Yunho in a sweaty, wet heap of tears. Yunho wrapped his arms around Jae and drew him close, stroking his hair and murmuring to him softly as sobs wracked his frame.
“I missed you so much,” he whispered. He realized now that he’d needed it to. This was as much for him as it was for Jae. “It’s hell being without you. Not seeing you every day, not hearing your voice. That crazy laugh that is uniquely you.” He chuckled softly. “I miss your cooking, how you always nag at me to pick up after myself. Your clumsiness. Your verbal spars with Changmin and how you always needed me to comfort you after a mental battle. I miss you needing me. I miss your smell.” He took a long, indrawn breath and held it, memorizing the subtle musk of Jae’s natural scent mixed with the smell of sex in the room. He released it slowly as he continued. “I miss the feel of you in my arms, the taste of you in my mouth. I miss knowing that you’re safe and sound in bed next to me every night.”
Emotions clogged his throat and he paused to breathe through it before he continued. “It’s the hardest thing I ever had to do, watching you tonight and seeing how much pain you were in.”
Jae raised his head, his tear-filled eyes wide in surprise. “You were there?” he croaked.
Yunho nodded. “I had to see you, see how you were. I tried telling myself you were okay, that you were doing fine without me but when I saw you…”
Jae buried his face in Yunho’s neck. “I missed you so much. It wasn’t so bad at first but the longer we’re apart, the more I feel like there’s a hole in my heart and it’s getting wider as the days go by.” His words were muffled as he spoke but Yunho heard him. “I’m so lost, Yunho. I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know why I get out of bed every morning, I don’t know what I’m doing every day or why I’m doing it. I don’t… I don’t know what I’m living for. I used to have purpose but now… There’s nothing left.”
“Don’t say that,” Yunho snapped. “Don’t you ever say that.” He hooked a finger under Jae’s chin and tilted his face up. His eyes were serious as he stared deeply into Jae’s. “You have me, do you hear me? You always have me. It doesn’t matter how far apart we are, how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other. When you’re lost, I’ll guide you home. I’ll be your lighthouse when you’re out at sea and the anchor to keep you moored so you won’t drift aimlessly. Do you understand?”
Jae sniffled then nodded, the tears slowing as he absorbed what he’d needed all this time. Yunho always knew just what to say to make him feel better.
Part Two: 2
Author: VampireMadonna
Pairing: YunJae
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst to the extreme.
Synopsis: Jae is beginning to crumble under the strain that's been weighing him down since the lawsuit began. One night, after a concert, Yunho pays him a visit...
A/N: I wrote this for a contest but it didn't place so please enjoy while you wait for the update of Second Chances which is, unfortunately, late yet again... ><
RE Title: The title I initially submitted the fic with for the contest was just a working title (Even If I Die, I Can't Let You Go), I still have no idea what to call it and so I figured why title it at all, hence Untitled. Then I remembered Yuchun's song and stuck it in there. If you have any ideas for a title, let me know and I'll consider it. It kinda feels incomplete without one.
“Yunho! Yunho! YunJae!”
They were at it again.
Don’t they ever get tired?, he wondered.
They’d been doing it for years, chanting it like some kind of religious mantra. Of course, it was okay back then, before… And it wasn’t just at concerts that he had to endure it, they also messaged him regularly on social networks.
He heaved a mental sigh while his lips stretched into their customary smile of acknowledgment.
Just dig the knife deeper, why don’t you...
Some fans he had. Perhaps they weren’t his fans. Maybe they really hated him and this was their way of showing it. If they truly cared about him, wouldn’t they consider his feelings? Wouldn’t they stop for a minute and wonder how he felt? Didn’t they know that it hadn’t been easy for him to do what he did? Couldn’t they see that it hurt? That with every recitation of his name, the crack in his heart deepened another inch?
Anger simmered just beneath the surface. His eyes locked onto a placard with a picture of him and Yunho, their beloved nickname, ‘YunJae,’ emblazoned in glittery lights. He was ferociously tempted to run up there, snatch it and break it over someone’s head.
Thankfully, the show was soon called to a close. He bowed to the crowd and immediately made his way off stage, ignoring the puzzled glances exchanged between Junsu and Yoochun. He went straight to the dressing room and started packing up his things, not bothering to change.
“I’ll meet you guys in the car,” he said over his shoulder to the two who had followed silently in his wake.
“Jae…” Yoochun began but was cut off when Jae left the room without so much as a backward glance.
Junsu sighed deeply. “Here we go again.”
The ride to the hotel was filled with silence. Junsu and Yoochun sat in the back casting worried glances towards the frozen stiff yet fuming Jaejoong. They had no idea how to begin a conversation with him and he made no attempt to start one with them in turn so they left him alone. Their relief was palpable when the van finally pulled into the hotel’s underground parking lot. They rode the elevator to the 15th floor, again in silence, then went their separate ways: Jae to the left of the elevator and the other two down the opposite end of the hall.
Jae let himself into his room. There was no thought behind his movements: he was on auto-pilot for the time being. His mind was still back at the concert. He saw himself with one of those dratted signs clenched in his hands as he vented, ripping it to shreds. It would feel so good, the temporary release. How perfect it would be to just let go for a minute, to pour all his anger and rage out unto an inanimate object. It couldn’t talk back and he wouldn’t go to jail for killing it. It would be…bliss.
With a sigh, he strode into his bedroom, discarding his clothes as he went along. He made his way into the shower and turned the faucet on, tensing as the hot water sluiced over his body. Eventually, he relaxed under the spray as the warmth seeped into his aching bones. He couldn’t go on like this. He had to do something about the fire in his veins before he exploded. He’d seen speculative looks on YooSu’s faces recently, knew that they were concerned. He didn’t want them worrying about him. He didn’t want them to see him as a liability either. He’d never endanger his career, least of all theirs. But he knew he needed a release and soon.
Perhaps a trip down to the bar, he considered. He could have a couple of drinks and perhaps find some company for the remainder of the night. Sure, there were a lot of couples in house at the moment but there were always guys that were on the down low about their sexuality. Those were the easiest to dally with because they had to be out of his bed and back into their lady’s by morning. It was a win-win situation all around.
Even as he thought it over, he found it distasteful. A quick physical release was all well and good when the body had needs that demanded attention but that didn’t apply to this particular situation. He wasn’t horny, he was heart-achy. He had to be honest with himself, it was impossible not to be. He missed him, the touch, sound, smell, feel, taste of him. Missed waking up to his smile first thing in the morning, going to bed sated and wrapped in his arms at night. He hadn’t been with anyone since but it wasn’t for a lack of trying. He’d tried to find refuge in someone else’s arms, even convinced himself once that he had, but when push came to shove, he hadn’t gone through with it. He found that he couldn’t bear the thought of being intimate with anyone else. He couldn’t, and didn’t want to, respond to anyone else’s touch. He’d given up and had been living a celibate life since.
Weary under the weight of his loneliness, he leaned his head against the marble tiles of the bathroom wall as the water continued to rain down on him. He didn’t know how long he stayed that way but the water had become tepid and he was starting to prune by the time he finally turned the shower off. He grabbed a big, fluffy towel and dried himself briskly before wrapping it low on his hips. He grabbed a smaller, thick towel and quickly dried his hair, then let it rest around his shoulders. He purposely ignored the mirror as he walked past it on his way out. He didn’t need to see how much of a mess he looked. He had a pretty good idea.
He pushed the door to the bedroom open and came to an abrupt halt at the sight before him. His heart skipped a beat, the fissure within it deepening further. Taking a slow step into the room, he forced himself to be calm. Eyes narrowed, body held rigid, he put as much venom into his voice as was present in his heart. “What are you doing here?”
“Well, hello to you too, Princess,” Yunho retorted.
God, he’s beautiful. Even after all this time, just his physical presence was enough to strike Yunho speechless. Thankfully the delay in his mental faculties didn’t last as long as it usually did and he’d been able to come back with a witty response in a timely fashion. No need for Jae to know how much he still affected him.
“I believe you dropped these.” He let the pile of clothes he’d picked up from the floor fall from his limp fingers onto the chaise by the window.
“Yunho…” JaeJoong’s voice was little more than a warning growl.
“What, so I can’t come see you? Don’t you miss me? Not even a little?” he joked.
“I’m really not in the mood for your games, Yunho,” Jae said walking fully into the room. “Now is not a good time.”
What’s wrong, baby?, Yunho yearned to ask. Then he would’ve taken him into his arms and whispered comforting words until he felt better. He was really tempted to give into these urges but he stopped himself. It wasn’t his place anymore…and it wasn’t like he didn’t know the anwer anyway.
“What crawled up your butt?”
Jae growled deep in his throat. “Look, I’ve had a rough night, okay. It’s not exactly easy getting up on stage and having to smile like there’s nothing wrong. Do you know how hard it is, hearing them call your name night after night? “Yunho, Yunho, Yunho!” And then, when they really want to drive the stake in deep, “YunJae!” I’m so damn tired of it all.” He bit down on his tongue to stop himself from continuing, instantly regretting that he’d already said too much.
Yunho scoffed, his ire rising. “Do you think it’s a cake-walk for me? ‘Oppa,’” he mimicked in the perfect pitch of an obnoxious teen girl, “‘how could you just let Jaejoong oppa go? Why didn’t you make him stay, oppa? Or go with him? Oppa, how could you let your JaeBoo go?’” Yunho’s hands clenched into fists at his side, a vein ticking along his jaw. “Everywhere I go, I’m constantly bombarded with questions I can’t answer. If I defend myself, then it makes me look like a jerk, like I’m betraying you, and if I defend you…well, we know what would happen then don’t we?”
Jae’s eyes tightened but he said nothing.
“So don’t cry to me about how shitty your life is, baby. I’ve got enough problems of my own.” Yunho took a threatening step forward. “Besides… None of this would have happened if you hadn’t…”
Jae cut him off, shaking his head. “Do not go there, Yunho.”
“You left me,” Yunho stated flatly.
“And you let me go!” Jae shouted back. “You didn’t stop me, Yunho, and you could’ve come with me, were supposed to come with me, but you didn’t so don’t even try to play the victim here.”
Jae turned away, attempting to recapture his composure. Suddenly, he laughed, the sound tinged with hysteria. “You know, I was this close to attacking a fan tonight. She had one of those bloody ‘YunJae’ signs that they love to torment me with and all I could think about was breaking it over her head, paying her back for the pain I suffered seeing it. They have no idea how I feel, how close to the edge I am. If they did, they’d stay the hell away from me.”
Sighing wearily, he turned back to face Yunho. “Why did you come here, Yunho? What do you want?”
“Look…”
“Don’t get too comfortable,” Jae interjected when Yunho started slipping off his coat, “you aren’t staying.”
Yunho paused with one arm free, the other still in the coat sleeve. A wicked smile played on his lips as he slowly slipped the other arm free, letting the coat fall to the floor at his feet. “Aren’t I?”
“Why is it that you only come to me when you need your dick massaged? I’m sure there are many other guys who would be perfectly willing to lend you a hand…among other things.”
Yunho chuckled softly, a malicious edge to it, as he took another step forward. “Oh, but no one does it like you, baby…”
Jae’s eyes narrowed to slits. “Really? That’s not what I heard.” His tongue peeked out to wet his lips as a small smile tilted his mouth upwards. “How’s Changmin? You two seem to be getting cozy lately, by all accounts. Lots of HoMin rumors going around…”
Yunho narrowed the distance between them even more, his voice soft when he spoke. “And what about you, baby? You haven’t exactly been lonely if even half of what I’ve heard through the grapevine is true. There was the Japanese actress, then the model. Been watching any sunsets lately?” Yunho stopped in front of Jae with little more than a foot between them. “Never thought that was your preferred taste but what do I know? Hmm?” He raised his hand and trailed a long, slim finger down Jae’s cheek and throat. “What say you to that?”
Jae’s eyes flashed angrily as they gazed up into Yunho’s. He said nothing for a time, then spat, “Let’s just get this over with.”
“Gladly.”
In one swift move, Yunho’s hand slid through Jae’s wet hair, tilting his head back as his mouth came crashing down on Jae’s. Jae tried to turn his head, a last minute act of resistance, but Yunho’s other hand came up and gripped his chin, holding him in place under the assault of Yunho’s lips. Soon they were tumbling down onto the bed in a flurry of movement. There was no love, no tenderness. It was a battle of wills: mouth against mouth, hands grappling for dominion, one over the other. Even their legs moved ceaselessly as they strove to find purchase on the silky sheets. Yunho was currently in the lead since he held Jae pinned beneath him but Jae was giving as good as he got, his nails scorching a trail up Yunho’s bare back under his shirt while he bit down on his lip, the coppery taste of Yunho’s blood only inciting him further, like a lion who’d just taken the first bite of his freshly killed dinner.
Jae bucked his hips upward, trying to dislodge Yunho so he could take control, but Yunho wasn’t budging.
Breaking the kiss, Yunho licked his bloody lip while looking down into Jae’s anger-flushed face. He smiled. “I don’t remember you being this wild the other times I visited.” He bent his head to Jae’s neck, his tongue dashing out to lap at the sensitive spot there. He chuckled into Jae’s neck when he felt his fingers dig deeper into his back, his pelvis grinding into Yunho’s of their own accord while his body trembled in its aroused state. Yunho raised his head to look into Jae’s eyes again. “Maybe I should come more often.”
Jae glared up at him. “Bastard.”
Yunho claimed Jae’s lips again and they were off to round two.
While his lips assaulted Jae’s roughly, Yunho slid his hand down Jae’s side, smiling to himself when he felt Jae shiver, ‘til he got to the loose towel around Jae’s waist. With one quick tug, it fell open, exposing Jae’s lower body to his questing hand. He wasted no time before wrapping his hand tightly around Jae’s erect member and stroking it roughly.
Jae’s mouth tore from Yunho’s, a loud groan echoing off the walls as his head fell back onto the pillow. Yunho immediately seized Jae’s pleasure spot at his neck with his lips, continuing his attack as Jae’s body vibrated in response.
It was happening again. His body was betraying him. It was always like this whenever Yunho came to him. They’d fight their way to the bed then vent their frustrations on each other in the most carnal ways possible. He’d tried not to respond this time, wanting to stay on top of the game, but the power plays proved a lot more arousing than he realized. Yes, it was always like this. And then he’d wake up in the morning and Yunho would be gone…
The thought angered him so much that he found renewed strength and resumed his efforts to push Yunho off of him. But, alas, the asshole didn’t so much as twitch.
A new plan began forming in his mind. Jae ceased resisting, gentling his hands on Yunho’s back. Whereas before he was scoring his skin with his nails, now he soothed it, caressing the wounds with tender fingers. He sighed his pleasure, tilting his neck to expose more of his skin to Yunho’s seeking mouth.
Yunho raised his head and looked into Jae’s eyes. Jae gazed back at him, allowing a small smile to flit across his lips. He hoped that Yunho would read it as a sign of submission.
He did.
Yunho pressed a soft kiss to Jae’s mouth before sitting back on his heels. He un-tucked the hem of his shirt and Jae took over and unbuttoned it for him. He slid off the bed to remove his pants and underwear and as soon as he’d finished, Jae reared up, dragged him down to the bed and onto his back. Scrambling on top, he straddled Yunho’s hips and held both of Yunho’s hands above his head with one of his.
“My turn,” he announced.
Something flashed in Yunho’s eyes. “Jae…” he warned.
“Nuh-uh. You had your chance.”
Jae shifted his body until he lay between Yunho’s spread thighs. He needed both hands so he released Yunho’s. He placed one hand under Yunho’s hip, lifting him slightly, while the other wrapped around his manhood.
Staring intently into Yunho’s dark eyes, his gaze hard and full of hate, Jae aligned himself and started pushing against the tight ring of Yunho’s anus. Yunho flinched, his body tensing at the intrusion, but he didn’t say a word, only continued to stare back at Jae. Jae continued to push. It was painful for him too, the lack of lubrication pulling on the sensitive skin of his penis, but he wouldn’t back down. He kept going until he was fully embedded inside of Yunho. When he could go no further, he held his position. He was angry but he didn’t want to damage Yunho unnecessarily.
The pain screamed in Yunho’s mind. He felt like he was being torn apart, but he bit down on the inside of his cheek to keep from crying out. Jae needed this. He could see it in his eyes now, the pain. Yes, Jae really hated him. The hate was first and foremost but behind that he could see the suffering. He needed to vent, to release. Yunho was sure that Jae didn’t even realize he wasn’t fighting back, that he hadn’t from the moment he’d allowed himself to be overcome. As much as it hurt Yunho to be on the receiving end, he would do it. He loved Jae, would always love him, and if this helped ease the ache in his soul even an inch, he would endure it. It was all that was within his power to do at the moment.
Jae started moving, slow shallow thrusts at first, then deeper plunges as his hips picked up speed. The quiet unnerved him. Yunho wasn’t saying anything, just staring up at him with the oddest expression. It was…sympathetic, maybe even pitiable. How dare he feel sorry for Jae when Jae was in control?
“Cat got your tongue?” Jae asked sarcastically.
Yunho didn’t reply, just continued to look at him.
“What the fuck is this, reverse psychology?” Jae demanded angrily.
He completely withdrew from Yunho’s body, then plunged back in in one quick thrust. He heard the air escape from Yunho’s lungs in an audible ‘whoosh’ but still he said nothing, nor did he try to stop Jae as he continued to ram into him over and over again. Instead, he was moving with him, meeting his thrusts little by little.
“What the hell is this?”
Yunho lifted a hand, cupped Jae’s cheek gently. “I’m sorry,” he said simply.
Jae was startled. “Sorry? What for?”
The sympathy in Yunho’s eyes was clear as day now. Sympathy and guilt. “For the pain you’re feeling. I’m sorry for my part in it.”
“Don’t you feel sorry for me, Jung Yunho,” Jae spat. His words were punctuated by a thump of a fist on Yunho’s stomach. “Don’t you fucking pity me!”
Jae’s rhythm sped up, his breath coming faster as he sought to punish Yunho. How dare he feel sorry for him? It was unconscionable.
Yunho’s heart broke as he looked up into his love’s face. His fingers tenderly wiped away the tears that were now streaming unchecked down Jae’s cheek. He was sure that Jae didn’t even know he was crying, so wrapped up was he in his inner torment.
“I love you…” Yunho whispered.
Jae shook his head. “No.” He felt like a fist had closed around his heart and was literally squeezing the life out of it. His chest was so tight that he felt like he was suffocating, like he was on the verge of passing out. And still he kept going, his hips pumping frenetically.
Yunho trailed a finger along the tattoo on Jae’s left breast. Always keep the faith. It was a phrase that held so much meaning, for all of them. Jae was clearly struggling with his right now and Yunho was determined to help him through it. He let his finger drift down to Jae’s nipple, stroking it into a tight bud. He brought his legs up and wrapped them around Jae’s waist, adjusting his hips to the rhythm of Jae’s movements.
“Just let it go,” he murmured.
“No,” Jae groaned in agony.
“I’m right here with you, baby,” he assured him.
Jae shook his head, the tears flowing more heavily even as his body picked up speed.
Yunho ran his hands up and down Jae’s arms, across his shoulders, along the sensitive skin of his neck. He just wanted him to know that he was there with him, meeting him 100% of the way. He leaned up and kissed the motto on Jae’s chest.
It proved to be Jae’s undoing. With one final thrust, Jae spilled his seed in Yunho’s tight passage before collapsing on Yunho in a sweaty, wet heap of tears. Yunho wrapped his arms around Jae and drew him close, stroking his hair and murmuring to him softly as sobs wracked his frame.
“I missed you so much,” he whispered. He realized now that he’d needed it to. This was as much for him as it was for Jae. “It’s hell being without you. Not seeing you every day, not hearing your voice. That crazy laugh that is uniquely you.” He chuckled softly. “I miss your cooking, how you always nag at me to pick up after myself. Your clumsiness. Your verbal spars with Changmin and how you always needed me to comfort you after a mental battle. I miss you needing me. I miss your smell.” He took a long, indrawn breath and held it, memorizing the subtle musk of Jae’s natural scent mixed with the smell of sex in the room. He released it slowly as he continued. “I miss the feel of you in my arms, the taste of you in my mouth. I miss knowing that you’re safe and sound in bed next to me every night.”
Emotions clogged his throat and he paused to breathe through it before he continued. “It’s the hardest thing I ever had to do, watching you tonight and seeing how much pain you were in.”
Jae raised his head, his tear-filled eyes wide in surprise. “You were there?” he croaked.
Yunho nodded. “I had to see you, see how you were. I tried telling myself you were okay, that you were doing fine without me but when I saw you…”
Jae buried his face in Yunho’s neck. “I missed you so much. It wasn’t so bad at first but the longer we’re apart, the more I feel like there’s a hole in my heart and it’s getting wider as the days go by.” His words were muffled as he spoke but Yunho heard him. “I’m so lost, Yunho. I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know why I get out of bed every morning, I don’t know what I’m doing every day or why I’m doing it. I don’t… I don’t know what I’m living for. I used to have purpose but now… There’s nothing left.”
“Don’t say that,” Yunho snapped. “Don’t you ever say that.” He hooked a finger under Jae’s chin and tilted his face up. His eyes were serious as he stared deeply into Jae’s. “You have me, do you hear me? You always have me. It doesn’t matter how far apart we are, how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other. When you’re lost, I’ll guide you home. I’ll be your lighthouse when you’re out at sea and the anchor to keep you moored so you won’t drift aimlessly. Do you understand?”
Jae sniffled then nodded, the tears slowing as he absorbed what he’d needed all this time. Yunho always knew just what to say to make him feel better.
Part Two: 2