Second Chances (Chapter 26)
♪nareul itji marayo [Don’t forget me]
ilchoreul sarado [Even if I live for one second]
geudae saranghaneun maeum hana ppuniyeyo [This heart that loves you, the only one]
geu hanareul wihaeseo seulpeun nunmul sumgigo [Only for that one, I hid my tears of sadness]
tteonaganeun [and left]
nareul gieokhaejuseyo [Please remember me] ♪
“You fool… Can’t you see that she doesn’t want you? Why do you keep putting your heart on the line for her when she keeps stepping on it? Idiot…”
Jae shoved another spoonful of ice-cream in his mouth, shaking his head at the doctor. Why was it that in every single Korean drama, no, every Asian drama, the good guy never got the girl? Why was that? Why did they have to suffer and have their efforts be in vain while the cocky assholes who treated the girls like crap always came out on top?
Although, in Dok Go Jin’s defense, he wasn’t like most drama leads. He was arrogant, the stereotypical handsome, rich, egotistical type, but unlike most dramas, he fell in love with Gu Ae Jung first and he pursued her, not the other way around. It was a refreshing change so he couldn’t hate him and didn’t mind that he was the victor in the end. He liked them both almost equally. The Greatest Love had two heroes instead of one. Still, it didn’t seem fair that the doctor got left with nothing after all he’d done and endured. Well, unless you counted that simpering bitch, Kang Se Ri, but she was hardly worthy.
As Gu Ae Jung walked away from the doctor for the millionth time, leaving him staring lovelornly after her, and the music swelled and broke, Jae felt an answering pang in his heart and, tears spilling over onto his cheeks, he sang along, his heartache echoing in every broken word.
♪ jebal itji marayo [Please don’t forget me]
cheonnyeoneul sarado [Even if I live for a thousand years]
geudae saranghaneun maeumppunin baboyeotjyo [This one heart that loves you foolishly]
geudae haendeuponi nan neomu bureopseumnida [I really envy your handphone]
jigeumdo ni yeope gachi itjanhayo [Because right now, it is still by your side]
nareul itji marayo [Don’t forget me] ♪
He closed his eyes as wave after wave of pain crashed over him and let the tears continue to fall, the warm wetness sliding down his cheeks into the rapidly melting bucket of ice-cream in his lap.
Stefan stood at the door to Jae’s room, leaning against the jamb as he pondered the course of action he was about to take.
Jae had been at his house for two weeks now. It had been two weeks since he and Maggie had driven to the airport, two weeks since he’d barely reached Jae before he collapsed, in his arms, sobbing uncontrollably. They’d already planned to bring him back to their townhouse and on the drive home he’d become even more certain that they’d made the right decision. There was no way they could have left Jae alone, not in the state he was in.
The tears kept coming, for days on end. They took shifts staying with him, only leaving when they had to. His heart broke for his friend, the person he loved as much as his Maggie. When he was with him, sitting with him, holding him through the tears, watching him sleep restlessly, he felt helpless. There was absolutely nothing he could do to ease his pain. Time would see to that, or so he hoped, but it would be a long road for Jae. Whenever he thought of Yunho, he felt equal parts anger and disappointment. He’d been so sure… He never would’ve left Jae there otherwise. He hadn’t been able to get Jae to tell him what happened but he knew that Jae would never have left on his own so it didn’t take a genius to figure out that Yunho had sent him away. But why?
As he stood there, thinking, his eyes drifted over Jae. The tears had stopped a week ago, or rather he’d stopped crying in front of them. He could still hear him, even if Jae no longer let them see his pain. He’d lost weight during that first week, unable to eat, sleep peacefully or function. All he could do was cry until he was spent and fell asleep, only to wake up and start all over again. When the tears had stopped, he began eating but he wouldn’t eat any of the food they brought him. He only wanted junk: cakes, candy, ice-cream, milkshakes. And he barely left his room. He would either call for what he wanted or, if they were out, go down and get it for himself, then hole up in his room again.
From the looks of him, Stefan thought, it’s been a couple of days since he even ventured into the shower.
He wore a pink sweatsuit, stained with all manner of fluids, Stefan could only guess. The sheets around him were bunched up and similarly stained. His hair was the most unkempt Stefan had ever seen it. But the most shocking aspect of the way he looked was his face.
Jaejoong had a beard.
Never in the twelve years they’d known each other had he ever seen Jae with anything but a smooth, clear jawline. Now, not only was it not clear but it was a lot fuller than he ever would have imagined possible. He was still pretty, though. His skin was still unbelievably pale and smooth beneath the growth and his lips shone pink and shapely amidst its furry surroundings but it was still a sight he couldn’t fully absorb no matter how many times he looked at him.
Grizzly Jaejoong had to go. He wanted his Jae back. And Big Red had laid down the law.
His orders in mind, he took a deep breath, knocked on the door and walked in.
“Hello, Princess.”
Jae turned away from the screen and blinked up at Stefan, his eyes slightly unfocused as if he didn’t understand why he was there.
“We need to talk,” Stefan began, pushing empty ice-cream containers and other assorted garbage off the bed so he could sit on the edge next to Jae.
Jae continued to look at him silently but his eyes kept drifting back to the television, his brows furrowing as if he was seeing something unpleasant.
Stefan glanced at the screen and sighed inwardly. Another Korean drama. Jae had been on a binge for the past week, consuming as much melodrama as he had ice-cream. He picked up the remote and turned it off.
“Hey!” Jae complained, trying to snatch the remote from his hand.
“We need to talk,” he said again, holding the remote out of reach.
“So you said,” Jae snapped.
Stefan paused as he searched Jae’s incensed eyes before he continued.
“It’s time for you to go home.”
All life seemed to drain out of him, tears springing to his eyes as he deflated.
“You’re sending me away?” he whispered, his voice filled with hurt.
Stefan steeled himself against the urge to comfort. He had to be strong.
“It’s time.”
“But why?” Jae asked. “Have I done something wrong?”
Stefan quickly shook his head. “No, nothing like that. It’s just…you need to get on with your life.”
“You would never abandon me,” Jae said suddenly, tears drying up.
“I’m not abandoning you, it’s just time,” Stefan explained.
Jae shook his head. “No. This isn’t your idea is it?”
Stefan waited a beat. “She-who-must-be-obeyed did send down the decree…”
“That bitch,” Jae swore beneath his breath.
“…but I happen to agree with her. Jae…” Stefan took Jae’s hand, which was balled into a fist, and smoothed it out, linking their fingers. “You can’t live like this forever.”
“Why not?” he whined plaintively.
“Because it’s not you. The Jae I know doesn’t get his ass kicked, he’s the one that does the ass-kicking.” He looked down at their joined hands, telling himself he was doing what was best for Jae. “I know you’re in pain but you can’t hide out in this room forever.” He raised his eyes to Jae’s. “Do you know how many people missed you while you were gone? Now you’re back and no one’s seen hide nor hair of your for two weeks. You haven’t even talked to your mother.”
Jae sighed softly. “I want to see her but she’ll ask too many questions and I just…can’t deal with that right now.”
Stefan nodded. “I understand. It’s only inevitable. You might be able to put me, Red and the girls at the office off but your mom is another story.”
Jae smiled slightly.
“Even so…it’s time for you to rejoin the world. You’ve sulked enough and it hasn’t done a thing for you. It’s a wonder you haven’t gained a ton with all the ice-cream and junk you’ve eaten in the past week. You need a shower and a shave. Speaking of which, I must say Princess, this is not a good look for you. Never thought I’d see the day. Kim Jaejoong, sporting a full beard. No one would believe me if I told them, not even if I swore on my firstborn.” He tugged playfully on the soft, silky hair in question.
Jae rolled his eyes and swatted Stef’s hand away.
Stef grinned but it didn’t last long as his eyes turned serious again.
“Jae… I know you’re hurt and I’d give anything in the world to take your pain away, it hurts me too, seeing you like this, but there’s nothing anyone can do. There’s no instant cure. Staying here, locking yourself away from the world, solves nothing. What you need is a distraction. Going back to work, doing what you love: that’s going to help you cope more than any flavor of ice-cream ever could.”
“I know…” Jae admitted.
Stefan was only saying what he’d been thinking himself. It was just easier to stay where he was, as he was. He didn’t relish the thought of returning to his huge, empty loft. He was already alone in his pain, being physically alone was strangely frightening. There were no reminders of Yunho at the loft but who needed reminders when he couldn’t close his eyes without seeing him and the love he bore for him weighed even more heavily in his heart now that they were apart.
Still… Life goes on. It had when Minnie died and it would continue to whether his heart was broken or not. He’d lived without Yunho for twelve years, had promised himself that he would walk away with his head held high if and when the time came to say goodbye to Yunho. Well here it was, the fat lady had sung, their life together was over. He would just have to deal.
Putting aside the candy in his free hand, he extricated his fingers from Stefan and slid off the bed.
“There’s no time like the present, I guess.”
Stefan nodded, giving him a small smile. “Maggie’s already prepared the loft for you so you don’t have to worry about that. Shower, shave and when you’re packed and ready, I’ll take you.”
Jae nodded. “Sounds good.”
He started towards the adjoining bathroom then stopped abruptly, turning slightly as he spoke over his shoulder.
He couldn’t quite control the slight tremor in his voice as he asked, “It’s really over, isn’t it?”
Stefan’s eyes clouded with sadness as he looked at him wordlessly.
What was he supposed to say to that?
What could he say?
***************************
Yunho sat at the desk in his office.
He was pretty sure he’d been staring at the same page for at least ten minutes.
Sighing, he closed the file in front of him and rubbed his eyes. His concentration had been shot to shit for a month now. How was he supposed to get any work done when he couldn’t even focus long enough to finish reading a single page? Every time he thought he was getting into the groove, his mind would drift to…
He shook his head, dropping his hands. No, he wasn’t going there. It was bad enough that as soon as he walked through the front door of his house, the weight on his shoulders, in his chest, doubled. Work was his only reprieve.
Knock knock.
His eyes swung up as the door opened.
“Hey boss,” Hana greeted as she walked in. “Just thought I’d bring this by on my way out.”
She stopped in front of his desk and laid a thick file in front of him. He glanced down at it.
More work. Joy.
He nodded. “Okay, thanks.”
“See you tomorrow.” With that, she turned to leave but just as she got to the door, she stopped, hand on the knob, and turned back to him. Her eyes were speculative and became increasingly concerned the longer she looked at him. “Yunho…are you okay?”
He looked up, his eyes meeting hers for the first time. “Yes, of course.”
She frowned. He clearly wasn’t. There were bags and dark circles under his eyes, grooves that hadn’t been there before had formed in the corners. His face had thinned out a little, as if he’d lost weight.
He tensed beneath her examination. “What?” he snapped, his tone defensive.
“Is everything okay? You look…” Exhausted, unhappy, miserable, broken. “…tired,” she finished, settling for the least offensive.
He forced a smile. “I guess I am. There’s a lot of work to do and I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”
That’s not it. “Oh… Well, take care of yourself. Tell Jae to make you some tonics or something. Speaking of which, I haven’t seen him in forever. Everything okay?”
He stilled, his eyes dropping from hers, and she could see the change come over him, feel the tension in the air thicken.
“Jae’s gone,” he said quietly. It was inevitable. His employees were bound to notice, he told himself, since Jae would often stop by to bring him lunch of share treats with the office. It was a small wonder that it had taken this long for someone to bring him up.
Hana’s eyes widened and she couldn’t quite stifle her surprised gasp. Gone? It was inconceivable to her. She could still feel the passion from Jae’s words in her office that day. He was head-over-heels in love with Yunho and from what she could tell by looking at them, Yunho had been well on his way to reciprocating, if he hadn’t already. What could possibly have happened to split those two up?
“I’m…” What could she say? Sorry seemed so inadequate but it was all she had. “I’m so sorry. I thought for sure…”
Yunho shrugged. “Yea, well, life goes on.” He met her eyes again. “Go on home. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She got the message behind his words: the conversation was over.
Nodding, she closed the door softly behind her, but as she made her way down the hall, she was filled with disbelief and a mild sadness. She had recently started seeing someone and although she didn’t want to jinx it, she felt like things were going quite well. She’d even thought, on occasion, that she’d finally found her Prince and hoped to be as happy and in love as Yunho and Jae were. But if they couldn’t make it, how did she even stand a chance?
“Just go in,” he muttered to himself. “You’re only prolonging it.”
Get in, eat, get out. That was his plan.
Yunho climbed out of his car and shuffled up the walk to his parents’ front door like a man walking the Green Mile. He imagined what he was feeling was somewhere in the vicinity of the impending doom prisoners felt on their death march.
Sunday dinner.
Why, oh, why did it have to be now? He didn’t think he had the strength to deal with them or field any questions they might ask. And EunHye… She’d made no pretense of her feelings towards him at the moment. He was at the top of her shit list. Or her hit list, depending on how you looked at it.
Suddenly, the door opened and the devil herself was standing in front of him.
“Are you coming in or do you plan on building a tent on the stoop? Some of us have lives to get back to you know, husbands at home waiting for us.”
Her words were filled with venom and he felt the sting straight to his heart.
Turning on her heels, she walked down the hall and out of sight, leaving him to see himself in and close the door behind him.
Taking a deep breath, he steeled himself and went to meet his fate.
Dinner wasn’t so bad, if he discounted the death glares EunHye threw his way every five minutes. HyunJoon was pleasant as always, his dad talked about some game or other that he’d missed, asked him about work and so on. His mother didn’t like talking during dinner: she usually saved her conversation for dessert and coffee/tea. Tonight was no different.
“Yunho… Have you heard from Jaejoong?” she asked gently, getting straight to the point.
He felt himself tense and cursed himself for it. It had become an automatic reaction whenever Jae’s name was mentioned. He couldn’t help feeling like he was being attacked. Or maybe it was his own guilt eating at him for the way things had gone down. No one could blame or hate him more than he already did himself.
“No,” he replied, his tone brief and succinct.
She nodded, taking a contemplative sip of her tea. “Hmm… It’s such a shame how things turned out. I never thought he would leave without a word. There was so much I wanted to learn from him. He’s a fine cook for someone his age.”
“Saboteur Yunho strikes again,” EunHye chimed in. “Don’t worry, Mom, I’m sure I can get his recipes for you. And there’s always the webcam and video chat, I’m sure you two can work something out if you put your heads together.”
Mrs. Jung nodded again. “I’m sure you’re right, it’s just that I’d hoped…” She trailed off but she didn’t need to finish. They all knew what she hoped.
Yunho bided his time as the rest of the dessert hour passed and as soon as he found himself alone, he made his way to the front door.
He had just closed it behind him when he jumped as he heard a self-satisfied laugh coming from the darkness his left.
EunHye stood and walked into the circle of light in front the door, a smirk tilting the curve of her lips. “Tsk, tsk, tsk. You’re so predictable, Yunnie.”
His brows furrowed. “What are you doing out here?”
“Waiting. I knew you’d bolt first chance you got. You’ve done it in the past, it stood to reason that you’d do it again. And tada, here you are, sneaking out like a thief in the night. Coward…”
Yunho stifled a growl and made to move past her but her taunting laughter echoing behind him brought him to a halt.
“Go ahead, run away like you always do. See how far it gets you.”
He spun around. “I don’t know what you mean. I’ve never run away from anything in my life.”
EunHye cocked her head to the side. “Oh, but you have, brother mine. There’ve been times when you found yourself facing adversity and you just couldn’t deal, or couldn’t make a decision. You may not remember them because there haven’t been many but trust me, they happened. This is no different. But running away from us, from me, isn’t going to end your torment. It won’t bring him back.”
He didn’t pretend not to know who she meant. “How is he?”
She smiled cruelly. “Why don’t you ask him yourself? He’s only a phone call away. Better yet, why don’t you call, beg, plead, grovel, whatever you have to do to get him to forgive your stupid ass, and make him come back?”
Why couldn’t she understand, he wanted to ask. Why did none of them seem to remember that he’d lost his husband, that he was still grieving? Was he the only one who remembered Changmin? Who still mourned him?
“Don’t wait too long, Yunho,” EunHye said, breaking into his thoughts. She was no longer smiling and her words were dead serious. “He won’t wait for you forever. Why he’s waiting for you at all is beyond me.”
“I never asked him to,” Yunho bit out. “I don’t want him to.”
EunHye nodded. “I agree. He deserves so much better than you could ever give him.”
Yunho’s head snapped back. Hadn’t he thought the same himself, many many times? But it was entirely different hearing it from someone else.
“You’re such a bitch.”
She smiled brightly, glad to have gotten beneath his skin. “Better a bitch than a pussy,” she quipped, and turned to go back into the house, closing the door in his face.
The journey home was fast and furious. He knew he was driving above the speed limit but he didn’t really care. He didn’t give a shit if the cops pulled him over, gave him a ticket or threw his ass in jail. His life couldn’t possibly get any worse than it already was.
But when he let himself into the house and dark silence greeted him, the weight of his emotions settled upon his shoulders once again, his chest became heavy.
He stood beneath the chandelier in the foyer, the only light on in the house, his eyes drifting over the rooms surrounding the entrance. He couldn’t help noticing one important feature.
“It was no longer the home he’d shared with Changmin. It was all Jae. Every surface, every piece of fabric, every rug and throw pillow had been hand-picked and decorated by Jae. Throw pillows, for cripes sake! Before Jae, he’d never even known the name of the thing. He’d built this house for Changmin, his dream house, but there was no sign of Min anywhere.”
Hadn’t those been his thoughts the day he’d sent Jae away? Hadn’t he done what he did because he’d felt like he’d betrayed his husband? Yet why, in the month, four days and ten hours that Jae had been gone, hadn’t he changed a single thing? It was exactly the same as he’d left it.
It occurred to him then that instead of living with one ghost, he was now living with two. They were both in his head, his heart and he couldn’t look at the house, live in it, without thinking of either one.
Half an hour ago, he’d thought that his life couldn’t get any worse.
What a fool he’d been to think that when half an hour later he was drowning in his own misery with no life-preserver in sight.
A/N: Sorry for the delay. This is the MV for the song Jae was singing/crying to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wl1M_SS_4mI I love the drama and am addicted to the song so I thought I'd incorporate it.
ilchoreul sarado [Even if I live for one second]
geudae saranghaneun maeum hana ppuniyeyo [This heart that loves you, the only one]
geu hanareul wihaeseo seulpeun nunmul sumgigo [Only for that one, I hid my tears of sadness]
tteonaganeun [and left]
nareul gieokhaejuseyo [Please remember me] ♪
“You fool… Can’t you see that she doesn’t want you? Why do you keep putting your heart on the line for her when she keeps stepping on it? Idiot…”
Jae shoved another spoonful of ice-cream in his mouth, shaking his head at the doctor. Why was it that in every single Korean drama, no, every Asian drama, the good guy never got the girl? Why was that? Why did they have to suffer and have their efforts be in vain while the cocky assholes who treated the girls like crap always came out on top?
Although, in Dok Go Jin’s defense, he wasn’t like most drama leads. He was arrogant, the stereotypical handsome, rich, egotistical type, but unlike most dramas, he fell in love with Gu Ae Jung first and he pursued her, not the other way around. It was a refreshing change so he couldn’t hate him and didn’t mind that he was the victor in the end. He liked them both almost equally. The Greatest Love had two heroes instead of one. Still, it didn’t seem fair that the doctor got left with nothing after all he’d done and endured. Well, unless you counted that simpering bitch, Kang Se Ri, but she was hardly worthy.
As Gu Ae Jung walked away from the doctor for the millionth time, leaving him staring lovelornly after her, and the music swelled and broke, Jae felt an answering pang in his heart and, tears spilling over onto his cheeks, he sang along, his heartache echoing in every broken word.
♪ jebal itji marayo [Please don’t forget me]
cheonnyeoneul sarado [Even if I live for a thousand years]
geudae saranghaneun maeumppunin baboyeotjyo [This one heart that loves you foolishly]
geudae haendeuponi nan neomu bureopseumnida [I really envy your handphone]
jigeumdo ni yeope gachi itjanhayo [Because right now, it is still by your side]
nareul itji marayo [Don’t forget me] ♪
He closed his eyes as wave after wave of pain crashed over him and let the tears continue to fall, the warm wetness sliding down his cheeks into the rapidly melting bucket of ice-cream in his lap.
Stefan stood at the door to Jae’s room, leaning against the jamb as he pondered the course of action he was about to take.
Jae had been at his house for two weeks now. It had been two weeks since he and Maggie had driven to the airport, two weeks since he’d barely reached Jae before he collapsed, in his arms, sobbing uncontrollably. They’d already planned to bring him back to their townhouse and on the drive home he’d become even more certain that they’d made the right decision. There was no way they could have left Jae alone, not in the state he was in.
The tears kept coming, for days on end. They took shifts staying with him, only leaving when they had to. His heart broke for his friend, the person he loved as much as his Maggie. When he was with him, sitting with him, holding him through the tears, watching him sleep restlessly, he felt helpless. There was absolutely nothing he could do to ease his pain. Time would see to that, or so he hoped, but it would be a long road for Jae. Whenever he thought of Yunho, he felt equal parts anger and disappointment. He’d been so sure… He never would’ve left Jae there otherwise. He hadn’t been able to get Jae to tell him what happened but he knew that Jae would never have left on his own so it didn’t take a genius to figure out that Yunho had sent him away. But why?
As he stood there, thinking, his eyes drifted over Jae. The tears had stopped a week ago, or rather he’d stopped crying in front of them. He could still hear him, even if Jae no longer let them see his pain. He’d lost weight during that first week, unable to eat, sleep peacefully or function. All he could do was cry until he was spent and fell asleep, only to wake up and start all over again. When the tears had stopped, he began eating but he wouldn’t eat any of the food they brought him. He only wanted junk: cakes, candy, ice-cream, milkshakes. And he barely left his room. He would either call for what he wanted or, if they were out, go down and get it for himself, then hole up in his room again.
From the looks of him, Stefan thought, it’s been a couple of days since he even ventured into the shower.
He wore a pink sweatsuit, stained with all manner of fluids, Stefan could only guess. The sheets around him were bunched up and similarly stained. His hair was the most unkempt Stefan had ever seen it. But the most shocking aspect of the way he looked was his face.
Jaejoong had a beard.
Never in the twelve years they’d known each other had he ever seen Jae with anything but a smooth, clear jawline. Now, not only was it not clear but it was a lot fuller than he ever would have imagined possible. He was still pretty, though. His skin was still unbelievably pale and smooth beneath the growth and his lips shone pink and shapely amidst its furry surroundings but it was still a sight he couldn’t fully absorb no matter how many times he looked at him.
Grizzly Jaejoong had to go. He wanted his Jae back. And Big Red had laid down the law.
His orders in mind, he took a deep breath, knocked on the door and walked in.
“Hello, Princess.”
Jae turned away from the screen and blinked up at Stefan, his eyes slightly unfocused as if he didn’t understand why he was there.
“We need to talk,” Stefan began, pushing empty ice-cream containers and other assorted garbage off the bed so he could sit on the edge next to Jae.
Jae continued to look at him silently but his eyes kept drifting back to the television, his brows furrowing as if he was seeing something unpleasant.
Stefan glanced at the screen and sighed inwardly. Another Korean drama. Jae had been on a binge for the past week, consuming as much melodrama as he had ice-cream. He picked up the remote and turned it off.
“Hey!” Jae complained, trying to snatch the remote from his hand.
“We need to talk,” he said again, holding the remote out of reach.
“So you said,” Jae snapped.
Stefan paused as he searched Jae’s incensed eyes before he continued.
“It’s time for you to go home.”
All life seemed to drain out of him, tears springing to his eyes as he deflated.
“You’re sending me away?” he whispered, his voice filled with hurt.
Stefan steeled himself against the urge to comfort. He had to be strong.
“It’s time.”
“But why?” Jae asked. “Have I done something wrong?”
Stefan quickly shook his head. “No, nothing like that. It’s just…you need to get on with your life.”
“You would never abandon me,” Jae said suddenly, tears drying up.
“I’m not abandoning you, it’s just time,” Stefan explained.
Jae shook his head. “No. This isn’t your idea is it?”
Stefan waited a beat. “She-who-must-be-obeyed did send down the decree…”
“That bitch,” Jae swore beneath his breath.
“…but I happen to agree with her. Jae…” Stefan took Jae’s hand, which was balled into a fist, and smoothed it out, linking their fingers. “You can’t live like this forever.”
“Why not?” he whined plaintively.
“Because it’s not you. The Jae I know doesn’t get his ass kicked, he’s the one that does the ass-kicking.” He looked down at their joined hands, telling himself he was doing what was best for Jae. “I know you’re in pain but you can’t hide out in this room forever.” He raised his eyes to Jae’s. “Do you know how many people missed you while you were gone? Now you’re back and no one’s seen hide nor hair of your for two weeks. You haven’t even talked to your mother.”
Jae sighed softly. “I want to see her but she’ll ask too many questions and I just…can’t deal with that right now.”
Stefan nodded. “I understand. It’s only inevitable. You might be able to put me, Red and the girls at the office off but your mom is another story.”
Jae smiled slightly.
“Even so…it’s time for you to rejoin the world. You’ve sulked enough and it hasn’t done a thing for you. It’s a wonder you haven’t gained a ton with all the ice-cream and junk you’ve eaten in the past week. You need a shower and a shave. Speaking of which, I must say Princess, this is not a good look for you. Never thought I’d see the day. Kim Jaejoong, sporting a full beard. No one would believe me if I told them, not even if I swore on my firstborn.” He tugged playfully on the soft, silky hair in question.
Jae rolled his eyes and swatted Stef’s hand away.
Stef grinned but it didn’t last long as his eyes turned serious again.
“Jae… I know you’re hurt and I’d give anything in the world to take your pain away, it hurts me too, seeing you like this, but there’s nothing anyone can do. There’s no instant cure. Staying here, locking yourself away from the world, solves nothing. What you need is a distraction. Going back to work, doing what you love: that’s going to help you cope more than any flavor of ice-cream ever could.”
“I know…” Jae admitted.
Stefan was only saying what he’d been thinking himself. It was just easier to stay where he was, as he was. He didn’t relish the thought of returning to his huge, empty loft. He was already alone in his pain, being physically alone was strangely frightening. There were no reminders of Yunho at the loft but who needed reminders when he couldn’t close his eyes without seeing him and the love he bore for him weighed even more heavily in his heart now that they were apart.
Still… Life goes on. It had when Minnie died and it would continue to whether his heart was broken or not. He’d lived without Yunho for twelve years, had promised himself that he would walk away with his head held high if and when the time came to say goodbye to Yunho. Well here it was, the fat lady had sung, their life together was over. He would just have to deal.
Putting aside the candy in his free hand, he extricated his fingers from Stefan and slid off the bed.
“There’s no time like the present, I guess.”
Stefan nodded, giving him a small smile. “Maggie’s already prepared the loft for you so you don’t have to worry about that. Shower, shave and when you’re packed and ready, I’ll take you.”
Jae nodded. “Sounds good.”
He started towards the adjoining bathroom then stopped abruptly, turning slightly as he spoke over his shoulder.
He couldn’t quite control the slight tremor in his voice as he asked, “It’s really over, isn’t it?”
Stefan’s eyes clouded with sadness as he looked at him wordlessly.
What was he supposed to say to that?
What could he say?
***************************
Yunho sat at the desk in his office.
He was pretty sure he’d been staring at the same page for at least ten minutes.
Sighing, he closed the file in front of him and rubbed his eyes. His concentration had been shot to shit for a month now. How was he supposed to get any work done when he couldn’t even focus long enough to finish reading a single page? Every time he thought he was getting into the groove, his mind would drift to…
He shook his head, dropping his hands. No, he wasn’t going there. It was bad enough that as soon as he walked through the front door of his house, the weight on his shoulders, in his chest, doubled. Work was his only reprieve.
Knock knock.
His eyes swung up as the door opened.
“Hey boss,” Hana greeted as she walked in. “Just thought I’d bring this by on my way out.”
She stopped in front of his desk and laid a thick file in front of him. He glanced down at it.
More work. Joy.
He nodded. “Okay, thanks.”
“See you tomorrow.” With that, she turned to leave but just as she got to the door, she stopped, hand on the knob, and turned back to him. Her eyes were speculative and became increasingly concerned the longer she looked at him. “Yunho…are you okay?”
He looked up, his eyes meeting hers for the first time. “Yes, of course.”
She frowned. He clearly wasn’t. There were bags and dark circles under his eyes, grooves that hadn’t been there before had formed in the corners. His face had thinned out a little, as if he’d lost weight.
He tensed beneath her examination. “What?” he snapped, his tone defensive.
“Is everything okay? You look…” Exhausted, unhappy, miserable, broken. “…tired,” she finished, settling for the least offensive.
He forced a smile. “I guess I am. There’s a lot of work to do and I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”
That’s not it. “Oh… Well, take care of yourself. Tell Jae to make you some tonics or something. Speaking of which, I haven’t seen him in forever. Everything okay?”
He stilled, his eyes dropping from hers, and she could see the change come over him, feel the tension in the air thicken.
“Jae’s gone,” he said quietly. It was inevitable. His employees were bound to notice, he told himself, since Jae would often stop by to bring him lunch of share treats with the office. It was a small wonder that it had taken this long for someone to bring him up.
Hana’s eyes widened and she couldn’t quite stifle her surprised gasp. Gone? It was inconceivable to her. She could still feel the passion from Jae’s words in her office that day. He was head-over-heels in love with Yunho and from what she could tell by looking at them, Yunho had been well on his way to reciprocating, if he hadn’t already. What could possibly have happened to split those two up?
“I’m…” What could she say? Sorry seemed so inadequate but it was all she had. “I’m so sorry. I thought for sure…”
Yunho shrugged. “Yea, well, life goes on.” He met her eyes again. “Go on home. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She got the message behind his words: the conversation was over.
Nodding, she closed the door softly behind her, but as she made her way down the hall, she was filled with disbelief and a mild sadness. She had recently started seeing someone and although she didn’t want to jinx it, she felt like things were going quite well. She’d even thought, on occasion, that she’d finally found her Prince and hoped to be as happy and in love as Yunho and Jae were. But if they couldn’t make it, how did she even stand a chance?
“Just go in,” he muttered to himself. “You’re only prolonging it.”
Get in, eat, get out. That was his plan.
Yunho climbed out of his car and shuffled up the walk to his parents’ front door like a man walking the Green Mile. He imagined what he was feeling was somewhere in the vicinity of the impending doom prisoners felt on their death march.
Sunday dinner.
Why, oh, why did it have to be now? He didn’t think he had the strength to deal with them or field any questions they might ask. And EunHye… She’d made no pretense of her feelings towards him at the moment. He was at the top of her shit list. Or her hit list, depending on how you looked at it.
Suddenly, the door opened and the devil herself was standing in front of him.
“Are you coming in or do you plan on building a tent on the stoop? Some of us have lives to get back to you know, husbands at home waiting for us.”
Her words were filled with venom and he felt the sting straight to his heart.
Turning on her heels, she walked down the hall and out of sight, leaving him to see himself in and close the door behind him.
Taking a deep breath, he steeled himself and went to meet his fate.
Dinner wasn’t so bad, if he discounted the death glares EunHye threw his way every five minutes. HyunJoon was pleasant as always, his dad talked about some game or other that he’d missed, asked him about work and so on. His mother didn’t like talking during dinner: she usually saved her conversation for dessert and coffee/tea. Tonight was no different.
“Yunho… Have you heard from Jaejoong?” she asked gently, getting straight to the point.
He felt himself tense and cursed himself for it. It had become an automatic reaction whenever Jae’s name was mentioned. He couldn’t help feeling like he was being attacked. Or maybe it was his own guilt eating at him for the way things had gone down. No one could blame or hate him more than he already did himself.
“No,” he replied, his tone brief and succinct.
She nodded, taking a contemplative sip of her tea. “Hmm… It’s such a shame how things turned out. I never thought he would leave without a word. There was so much I wanted to learn from him. He’s a fine cook for someone his age.”
“Saboteur Yunho strikes again,” EunHye chimed in. “Don’t worry, Mom, I’m sure I can get his recipes for you. And there’s always the webcam and video chat, I’m sure you two can work something out if you put your heads together.”
Mrs. Jung nodded again. “I’m sure you’re right, it’s just that I’d hoped…” She trailed off but she didn’t need to finish. They all knew what she hoped.
Yunho bided his time as the rest of the dessert hour passed and as soon as he found himself alone, he made his way to the front door.
He had just closed it behind him when he jumped as he heard a self-satisfied laugh coming from the darkness his left.
EunHye stood and walked into the circle of light in front the door, a smirk tilting the curve of her lips. “Tsk, tsk, tsk. You’re so predictable, Yunnie.”
His brows furrowed. “What are you doing out here?”
“Waiting. I knew you’d bolt first chance you got. You’ve done it in the past, it stood to reason that you’d do it again. And tada, here you are, sneaking out like a thief in the night. Coward…”
Yunho stifled a growl and made to move past her but her taunting laughter echoing behind him brought him to a halt.
“Go ahead, run away like you always do. See how far it gets you.”
He spun around. “I don’t know what you mean. I’ve never run away from anything in my life.”
EunHye cocked her head to the side. “Oh, but you have, brother mine. There’ve been times when you found yourself facing adversity and you just couldn’t deal, or couldn’t make a decision. You may not remember them because there haven’t been many but trust me, they happened. This is no different. But running away from us, from me, isn’t going to end your torment. It won’t bring him back.”
He didn’t pretend not to know who she meant. “How is he?”
She smiled cruelly. “Why don’t you ask him yourself? He’s only a phone call away. Better yet, why don’t you call, beg, plead, grovel, whatever you have to do to get him to forgive your stupid ass, and make him come back?”
Why couldn’t she understand, he wanted to ask. Why did none of them seem to remember that he’d lost his husband, that he was still grieving? Was he the only one who remembered Changmin? Who still mourned him?
“Don’t wait too long, Yunho,” EunHye said, breaking into his thoughts. She was no longer smiling and her words were dead serious. “He won’t wait for you forever. Why he’s waiting for you at all is beyond me.”
“I never asked him to,” Yunho bit out. “I don’t want him to.”
EunHye nodded. “I agree. He deserves so much better than you could ever give him.”
Yunho’s head snapped back. Hadn’t he thought the same himself, many many times? But it was entirely different hearing it from someone else.
“You’re such a bitch.”
She smiled brightly, glad to have gotten beneath his skin. “Better a bitch than a pussy,” she quipped, and turned to go back into the house, closing the door in his face.
The journey home was fast and furious. He knew he was driving above the speed limit but he didn’t really care. He didn’t give a shit if the cops pulled him over, gave him a ticket or threw his ass in jail. His life couldn’t possibly get any worse than it already was.
But when he let himself into the house and dark silence greeted him, the weight of his emotions settled upon his shoulders once again, his chest became heavy.
He stood beneath the chandelier in the foyer, the only light on in the house, his eyes drifting over the rooms surrounding the entrance. He couldn’t help noticing one important feature.
“It was no longer the home he’d shared with Changmin. It was all Jae. Every surface, every piece of fabric, every rug and throw pillow had been hand-picked and decorated by Jae. Throw pillows, for cripes sake! Before Jae, he’d never even known the name of the thing. He’d built this house for Changmin, his dream house, but there was no sign of Min anywhere.”
Hadn’t those been his thoughts the day he’d sent Jae away? Hadn’t he done what he did because he’d felt like he’d betrayed his husband? Yet why, in the month, four days and ten hours that Jae had been gone, hadn’t he changed a single thing? It was exactly the same as he’d left it.
It occurred to him then that instead of living with one ghost, he was now living with two. They were both in his head, his heart and he couldn’t look at the house, live in it, without thinking of either one.
Half an hour ago, he’d thought that his life couldn’t get any worse.
What a fool he’d been to think that when half an hour later he was drowning in his own misery with no life-preserver in sight.
A/N: Sorry for the delay. This is the MV for the song Jae was singing/crying to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wl1M_SS_4mI I love the drama and am addicted to the song so I thought I'd incorporate it.