Second Chances (Chapter 20)
Title: Second Chances
Author: VampireMadonna
Pairing: Main: YunJae; Secondary: JaeMin, HoMin
Rating: PG-13
Length: Chaptered
Summary: After Changmin's death, how are Jae and Yunho going to cope with their grief and their increasing attraction to each other?
Jae sipped his tea and glanced at the clock again.
9:30.
Yunho was late, the second night that week. He’d called to say that he would be, as always. He was very considerate that way, never wanted Jae to wait up for him.
The project was wearing him out. Jae could see his energy and strength draining little by little every single day. The project was ending soon, thankfully, but…
There was something else.
There’d been a change about Yunho in the past two weeks, ever since the night he’d come home really late. Jae felt like he was avoiding him. He came home late knowing that Jae would be in bed, then woke up earlier than usual and went to work before Jae could make him breakfast. He blamed it all on work but Jae knew something was up. When they were together, his expressions were always guarded and he chose his words carefully. Jae had also caught him looking at him strangely a couple of times. If that wasn’t suspicious enough, there was the scent of that cloying perfume: a dead giveaway. He’d smelled it on Yunho’s clothes on two more occasions.
He didn’t want to jump to conclusions but he wasn’t naïve enough to ignore its significance: Hana was up to something.
It was typical to blame the other party and not one’s own partner but he knew Yunho like the back of his hand, probably better than Yunho knew himself. Yunho wasn’t the cheating type and if anything happened between him and Hana, she would be the instigator. There was always the possibility, he supposed, that Yunho could surprise him and do something he didn’t think he was capable of. It hurt to consider it, would hurt more if it turned out to be true, but just like he couldn’t ignore that something was going on, he also couldn’t and wouldn’t allow himself to willfully disregard how far things may have progressed.
Thus, he only had two options: he could continue to sit there, night after night, wondering and possibly letting Yunho ruin them, and himself, or he could do something about it and stop Hana before the damage was irreparable. He hated the idea of being hurt by Yunho, regardless of the fact that they’d never made promises to one another, but he worried more about Yunho hurting himself. He was sure that he’d forgive Yunho a lot faster than Yunho would forgive himself.
Finishing his tea, he set the cup down. His eyes shone with steely determination.
Tomorrow, he would get to the bottom of it, once and for all.
Jae stood outside of the tall, elegant building looking up at its reflective plate glass windows. It truly was a sight to behold. He took a deep breath of cool, fresh air, smiling as it filled his lungs and spread throughout his body. He felt good. He knew that he was doing the right thing. He never was one to sit on his ass and let things fall to pieces, not if he could help it anyway.
Opening the door, he strode across the foyer confidently, smiling at the security guard who recognized and greeted him. A short zip up the elevator took him to the top floor where Yunho’s office was located.
He walked through reception, smiling and waving as he passed Yunho’s little worker bees on his way to the boss’ office. As he rounded the last corner and approached Yunho’s office, bright smile still firmly in place, the door opened…and out came Hana.
“Jae!” she exclaimed, surprise evident in her face. Surprise and…guilt?
Jae continued smiling, his expression not giving away the not so complimentary thoughts that raced through his mind at the sight of her.
“Hana!” he chirped warmly. He moved towards her and kissed her lightly on the cheek, getting a whiff of that oppressive signature scent that she loved so much. He still thought the scent was nice, he wasn’t petty enough to change his mind about it, but it needed to be applied sparingly whereas Hana seemed to bathe in it, thus making it unappealing. It reminded him of the girls back home who thought that having money and buying expensive things equated to class.
“What are… What are you doing here?” she asked, tripping over her words.
“Oh, I was just in the neighbourhood running errands and I thought I’d drop by and bring Yunho some lunch.” He raised the package in his hand for her to see. “He’s not eating well lately, as I’m sure you know since you spend more time with him than I do and I imagine you’re probably suffering from the same lack of proper sleep and nourishment as well. You look a little pale, are you feeling alright?”
Hana cleared her throat. “Yes, I’m fine.”
Jae clucked his tongue in concern. “You really need to take better care of yourself. You don’t want your skin to go bad, do you? How about we have a spa day? We’d already planned to go shopping together so why not go all out? It’ll be fun!”
Hana smiled slightly, nodding. “Sure, sounds great.”
“Okay, well I better get this to Yunho.” He tried to move around her but she stepped in front of him, blocking his way.
“You can’t!” she snapped, before catching herself. Clearing her throat again, she tried for a smile as she said more calmly, “Sorry, but you can’t go in there. Yunho’s in a meeting with our clients right now.”
“Oh?” Jae cocked a brow. “Hmm… I guess I can wait. I have time.”
“No!”
Jae raised both brows in confusion at her response this time. “No?”
She laughed awkwardly, shifting on her feet. “What I meant to say is, it’s going to last a while. The meeting only just began, actually. If you wait, it’ll be a long one and you’ll probably be bored the entire time.” She took Yunho’s lunch from his hands. “Why don’t I take this and when the meeting’s done, I’ll make sure he gets it.” She smiled eagerly but her eyes seemed panicky.
“Aren’t you kind…” Jae murmured. “You’re truly a dear.”
“Just trying to help a friend,” she quipped.
“Yes… We could all use friends like you.”
She must have heard something of his thoughts in his words because her smile flickered and he could almost see the wheels in her head turning trying to figure out what he meant.
“Okay, well you see that he gets that and I guess I’ll just see him at home. Thanks again.” Jae flashed one last smile then started off down the hall. Just before he turned the corner, he looked back and called, “Don’t forget our date! And you really need to get some sleep, hun. It’s starting to show. We can’t afford to lose our looks while we’re still young and in the game, can we? Who wants to catch an old, wrinkly fish?” With a parting wave, he disappeared around the corner.
Jae waited outside the building for an hour. He stayed out of sight, just around the corner where he could see the front of the building and Yunho’s car.
He’d never done anything like this before, was never motivated and had never cared enough about anyone to go to such lengths. He didn’t ordinarily approve of such behaviour but he had a hunch, this nagging feeling that refused to be ignored telling him to stick around a little longer. He believed in trusting his instincts so he followed them this time as he always had before.
And it paid off.
The front doors opened and a handful of employees burst out. He recognized them as Yunho’s project managers. The doors swung closed but a minute later they opened again and out came Yunho. He smiled as he spoke to his managers, then turned to say something to someone behind him. As he started walking off with his workers, Hana exited the building and hurried to catch up with them. As soon as she reached them, she pushed her way to Yunho’s side and clamped onto his arm. Even from that distance, Jae could see her nails digging into Yunho’s arm.
Jae had a good view of her face. She smiled up at him as if he were her sun rather than the one in the sky. However, Yunho chatted amiably with all of his co-workers, his eyes never resting on Hana’s upturned face for more than a second.
Jae turned away and leaned against the wall of the building.
He’d seen everything he needed to see.
Yunho closed the door behind his clients and leaned against it. He took a deep breath, held and expelled it and as he did so, a smile spread across his face.
He was free. Finally free.
He felt like celebrating. He wanted to jump, skip and cry. He could already feel the weight being lifted from his shoulders. Closing his eyes again, he sent a prayer of thanks to the big man above for getting him through what felt like the biggest ordeal of his life.
Opening his eyes again, he laughed out loud at how giddily happy he felt.
He needed to call someone, to share the good news.
He wanted to go out and take a drink, get a load off.
He wanted…
He wanted Jae, he realized.
His smile slipped a little as he thought of Jae alone at home, waiting for him. He owed him so much. He’d been patient and understanding, never once complaining about Yunho’s absence or lack of attention. He knew he didn’t deserve Jae, especially after...
Guilt coursed through him at the thought of what he’d let happen.
“God, what the hell did I do?”
Pushing away from the door, he walked to his desk, sat in his chair and snatched up his phone. He stared at it for five straight minutes, deliberating whether to call Jae or not. He decided that he needed to be honest with Jae, to let it all out and let Jae decide whether he wanted to stay with him or not. He’d take him to dinner to celebrate the end of the project. And, he thought selfishly, create one last memory in case it was their last. Then, when they returned home, he’d tell him the truth. Everything. He would’ve liked to make love to Jae one last time but he couldn’t use him like that, knowing that what he had to tell him would likely shatter him. He didn’t want Jae to hate him more than necessary.
He flipped through his phone to Jae’s number and was about to press ‘Call’ when a knock sounded on the door and it opened a second later.
“Hey, boss.” Richard, one of the overseas liaisons on the project, popped his head in. “I’m just heading out. I’ll be in early tomorrow to wrap things up.”
“Oh, okay. See you then,” Yunho replied absently.
“See you.” Richard started to close the door, then poked his head in again. “I forgot to ask, did Jae catch up with you earlier?”
Yunho frowned, confused. “Jae?”
“Yeah, he came by just before lunch. I think he said he was dropping some off for you, lunch that is. He’s a sweet guy. My wife could learn a thing or two from him,” he joked.
Yunho’s face had gone ghostly pale. “Jae was here?”
Richard’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Uh… Yea, you didn’t know? I saw him talking to Hana so I assumed…”
Hana.
Oh, God, what had she done?
“You alright, Yunho?” Richard asked, concern evident in his voice. He pushed the door open, standing on the threshold as he regarded his soon-to-be-ex boss.
“Yeah, I…just remembered something. I have to go.”
Yunho jumped up, pushed all his files into a messy pile, grabbed his phone and briefcase and hurried across the room.
“See you in the morning,” he blurted as he passed Richard and strode down the hall and round the corner to the elevator bank.
He had to go home.
And he prayed that when he got there it wasn’t too late.
Standing on the stoop, Yunho took a deep breath, gathered his courage, squared his shoulders and opened the door.
He expected to find Jae moving around in the kitchen or sitting at the dining table, it was just 6:30pm after all, but silence and darkness were all that greeted him.
Perhaps he’s upstairs, he thought.
Closing the door behind him, he walked fully into the foyer, switching on the entry light as he shed his coat and hung it up on the coat-tree. As he turned around, his foot struck something. He glanced down.
A bag.
Jae’s designer gym bag.
It was packed full to bursting. Yunho didn’t have to open it to know what was inside. Fear clogged his throat and his breathing became shallow.
Oh, G… Was Jae… Was Jae leaving him?
He took off, racing through the house, past the kitchen, his office, all the while calling Jae’s name at the top of his lungs. He retraced his steps and stopped in the foyer. He didn’t bother to go upstairs. He knew Jae wasn’t there. He stared down at the bag again, willing it to disappear. He felt like his life was in that bag. In a way, it was, he realized. Jae had become an integral part of his life. He couldn’t imagine his life without Jae in it and now… Now he’d fucked things up so badly that he just might have pushed him away for good.
“Please, Jae,” he whispered. “Come home.”
Jae stepped into the foyer and froze.
Yunho sat at the dining table staring intently at the front door, at him as he stood in the open doorway. His face was…strange.
“Yunho?” Jae said tentatively, closing the door behind him and taking a step forward.
He barely saw him move but the next thing he knew, Yunho’s arms were around him, holding him tightly. Stumbling beneath the force of Yunho’s weight, Jae dropped into the chair next to the coat-tree, Yunho collapsing to his knees in front of him as he continued to cling.
Burying his face in Jae’s lap, Yunho whispered brokenly, “I’m so sorry, so sorry.”
Confused and more than a little alarmed, Jae raised a hand to Yunho’s head. “Yunho, what’s going on?”
“Please don’t leave me,” he begged. “Please.”
Jae’s alarm went up another notch. “Yunho, what are you talking about?”
Yunho raised his head and Jae gasped at the twisted, tortured mask that was his face. “I know I fucked up.” His voice was hoarse as tears clogged his throat and rolled down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”
Jae’s eyes grew wide and round. Yunho was…crying?
Wiping his tears with gentle fingers, Jae kept his voice calm as he spoke. “Yunho, I don’t understand. What happened?”
“Please don’t leave me,” Yunho pleaded again.
Jae shook his head. “Yunho, I’m not going anywhere. Why would you think that?”
Yunho shook his head and pressed his face back into Jae’s lap. “I know you’re leaving, I saw your bag.”
Jae frowned. My bag?
Suddenly, he remembered the bag at the side of the chair and had to stifle a laugh because it didn’t seem appropriate given the state that Yunho was in.
“Yunnie… I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”
Yunho raised tear-filled eyes to his again. “But your bag…”
Jae smile tenderly. “Noona asked to borrow some things so I packed them up and left them here for her in case I didn’t get back before she got here.”
“Noona?” Yunho repeated blankly.
Jae nodded.
“So you’re not leaving?”
Jae shook his head.
Fresh tears welled up and spilled over onto Yunho’s cheeks. He buried his face in Jae’s lap again, harsh sobs wracking his frame.
Jae was at a loss as to what to do. It reminded him of that day in the cemetery when Yunho had collapsed under the weight of his grief. He hadn’t been able to help him then and he couldn’t think of the words to help him now.
“Yunnie.” His own voice was filled with emotion, fear and worry tinging his words. “Yunnie, please, tell me what’s wrong.”
“I never meant for it to happen,” he babbled. “I never wanted it to, she just…”
“She?” he repeated
There could only be one ‘she’, Jae thought.
“I know that you came to see me, that you talked to her,” he confessed, changing subjects so quickly that Jae could barely keep up.
“I brought you lunch.”
Yunho shook his head vehemently. “I didn’t get it, honest. I was in a meeting then I took the crew out for lunch to celebrate wrapping the project up. If I had known…”
“Yunho…”
“I was just so confused, I just… And she… I didn’t mean for it to happen, I swear,” Yunho begged.
Jae felt a chill race up his spine and his hand stilled on Yunho’s head.
“Yunho. Yunnie, did you…” He could barely think the words, much less say them.
Yunho raised his eyes to Jae’s again. He must have seen the rest of the question in his eyes because his own widened in surprise, his tears immediately drying up.
“No,’ he insisted. “Nothing like that happened. We only kissed, I swear.”
Yunho lay his head on Jae’s lap, his voice still wobbly and full of emotion but stronger than before.
“I’d never even thought about it until she asked me all those questions. I just got so confused, I’ve never been so lost before. I thought, ‘is she right?’ because I’d never asked myself those questions and she said everyone did. I wondered if something was wrong with me. Did I really not know myself like I thought I did? I got so twisted up inside, I just…”
“Shhh,” Jae crooned, wrapping his arms around Yunho as he patted him comfortingly. “It’s okay… It’s okay.”
Jae held him as he quieted down, his breathing evening out.
“Why did she say those things?” Yunho whispered to himself. “Why did she do that?”
Jae’s jaw clenched.
“What did she say, Yunnie?” Jae asked softly. “Tell me what she said. Tell me everything.”
Though his voice and hands were gentle, his eyes were hard as stone.
Later that night, Jae lay in bed holding Yunho, listening to the soft strains of the music he’d put on while he stroked his back gently as he eased him into sleep.
It had been an emotional evening for both of them. He’d asked Yunho to tell him everything and he had, practically every single detail, word for word. He was a little hurt but he understood exactly what had happened now and he was happy that Yunho had come to him. He’d planned to confront him anyway but the way Yunho broke down when he’d thought he was leaving… He couldn’t deny that it made him feel good. It showed him, with and without words, that Yunho really needed and wanted him there . He was still somewhat disappointed in Yunho for letting Hana undermine his confidence but he was even more pissed that she’d attacked him the way she had, because that was exactly what she’d done. Even as he comforted Yunho, his brain was plotting.
“Jae.”
Yunho spoke so suddenly that Jae almost jumped. He’d thought he was sleeping since he’d been so still and hadn’t said anything for a while.
“Mmm?”
“Do you… If you want, you can…do…to me...”
Jae felt a strange heat emanate off of Yunho’s skin and he frowned.
“Yunnie, what are you talking about?”
“Hana said that I can’t possibly know for sure if I’m gay if I haven’t let a man…penetrate me. If I’m always on top then how is it any different from having sex with a woman?”
“She said that?” Jae asked through clenched teeth.
Yunho nodded.
Jae sighed. “Yunnie… Look at me.”
Yunho tilted his head back and gazed up at Jae.
“Being top or being bottom, pitching or catching: neither one makes you any more or any less gay. Your gayness isn’t defined by your sexual position.”
“But Hana said…”
Jae shook his head, silencing him. “Ordinarily, I would agree with most of what Hana said. She’s quite right about a lot of it. But she twisted the truth and used it to her advantage, used it against you. She manipulated you into doubting yourself, which made you vulnerable to her. It doesn’t matter how true her words may have been, what she did was wrong.”
“Maybe…”
Jae gently pinched the back of Yunho’s neck. “No ‘maybe’. I’m right and that’s that.”
Yunho looked away, saying nothing for a minute before turning back to Jae. “Still… If you want to…” His cheeks turned a deep red as he blushed, unable to finish his offer.
Jae smiled. “I love having you in me, Yunnie. It makes me feel…complete.”
“I love being inside you too,” Yunho confessed.
Jae’s smile widened. “We could try it Hana’s way… Or we could stick with what we’re used to, what we like. I have no experience being on top and vice versa and more than likely it’d take some getting used to for both of us so why change the formula when we’re satisfied? They’re our lives to live as we see fit, not Hana’s to dictate when she has no idea what it’s like to be us. All she has are theories on homosexuality. She’ll never be a gay man, never know what our lives are like so just forget everything she said. Put it out of your mind.”
Yunho nodded. “You’re right.”
Jae framed Yunho’s face with his hands, his touch tender. “I really do love having you inside me, Yunnie. I’d never trade it for anything.” Leaning down, he kissed Yunho softly, briefly, then gathered him close again, pressing Yunho’s head to his chest. “Sleep now,” he whispered. “It’s been a long day.”
Chapter 20b
Author: VampireMadonna
Pairing: Main: YunJae; Secondary: JaeMin, HoMin
Rating: PG-13
Length: Chaptered
Summary: After Changmin's death, how are Jae and Yunho going to cope with their grief and their increasing attraction to each other?
Jae sipped his tea and glanced at the clock again.
9:30.
Yunho was late, the second night that week. He’d called to say that he would be, as always. He was very considerate that way, never wanted Jae to wait up for him.
The project was wearing him out. Jae could see his energy and strength draining little by little every single day. The project was ending soon, thankfully, but…
There was something else.
There’d been a change about Yunho in the past two weeks, ever since the night he’d come home really late. Jae felt like he was avoiding him. He came home late knowing that Jae would be in bed, then woke up earlier than usual and went to work before Jae could make him breakfast. He blamed it all on work but Jae knew something was up. When they were together, his expressions were always guarded and he chose his words carefully. Jae had also caught him looking at him strangely a couple of times. If that wasn’t suspicious enough, there was the scent of that cloying perfume: a dead giveaway. He’d smelled it on Yunho’s clothes on two more occasions.
He didn’t want to jump to conclusions but he wasn’t naïve enough to ignore its significance: Hana was up to something.
It was typical to blame the other party and not one’s own partner but he knew Yunho like the back of his hand, probably better than Yunho knew himself. Yunho wasn’t the cheating type and if anything happened between him and Hana, she would be the instigator. There was always the possibility, he supposed, that Yunho could surprise him and do something he didn’t think he was capable of. It hurt to consider it, would hurt more if it turned out to be true, but just like he couldn’t ignore that something was going on, he also couldn’t and wouldn’t allow himself to willfully disregard how far things may have progressed.
Thus, he only had two options: he could continue to sit there, night after night, wondering and possibly letting Yunho ruin them, and himself, or he could do something about it and stop Hana before the damage was irreparable. He hated the idea of being hurt by Yunho, regardless of the fact that they’d never made promises to one another, but he worried more about Yunho hurting himself. He was sure that he’d forgive Yunho a lot faster than Yunho would forgive himself.
Finishing his tea, he set the cup down. His eyes shone with steely determination.
Tomorrow, he would get to the bottom of it, once and for all.
Jae stood outside of the tall, elegant building looking up at its reflective plate glass windows. It truly was a sight to behold. He took a deep breath of cool, fresh air, smiling as it filled his lungs and spread throughout his body. He felt good. He knew that he was doing the right thing. He never was one to sit on his ass and let things fall to pieces, not if he could help it anyway.
Opening the door, he strode across the foyer confidently, smiling at the security guard who recognized and greeted him. A short zip up the elevator took him to the top floor where Yunho’s office was located.
He walked through reception, smiling and waving as he passed Yunho’s little worker bees on his way to the boss’ office. As he rounded the last corner and approached Yunho’s office, bright smile still firmly in place, the door opened…and out came Hana.
“Jae!” she exclaimed, surprise evident in her face. Surprise and…guilt?
Jae continued smiling, his expression not giving away the not so complimentary thoughts that raced through his mind at the sight of her.
“Hana!” he chirped warmly. He moved towards her and kissed her lightly on the cheek, getting a whiff of that oppressive signature scent that she loved so much. He still thought the scent was nice, he wasn’t petty enough to change his mind about it, but it needed to be applied sparingly whereas Hana seemed to bathe in it, thus making it unappealing. It reminded him of the girls back home who thought that having money and buying expensive things equated to class.
“What are… What are you doing here?” she asked, tripping over her words.
“Oh, I was just in the neighbourhood running errands and I thought I’d drop by and bring Yunho some lunch.” He raised the package in his hand for her to see. “He’s not eating well lately, as I’m sure you know since you spend more time with him than I do and I imagine you’re probably suffering from the same lack of proper sleep and nourishment as well. You look a little pale, are you feeling alright?”
Hana cleared her throat. “Yes, I’m fine.”
Jae clucked his tongue in concern. “You really need to take better care of yourself. You don’t want your skin to go bad, do you? How about we have a spa day? We’d already planned to go shopping together so why not go all out? It’ll be fun!”
Hana smiled slightly, nodding. “Sure, sounds great.”
“Okay, well I better get this to Yunho.” He tried to move around her but she stepped in front of him, blocking his way.
“You can’t!” she snapped, before catching herself. Clearing her throat again, she tried for a smile as she said more calmly, “Sorry, but you can’t go in there. Yunho’s in a meeting with our clients right now.”
“Oh?” Jae cocked a brow. “Hmm… I guess I can wait. I have time.”
“No!”
Jae raised both brows in confusion at her response this time. “No?”
She laughed awkwardly, shifting on her feet. “What I meant to say is, it’s going to last a while. The meeting only just began, actually. If you wait, it’ll be a long one and you’ll probably be bored the entire time.” She took Yunho’s lunch from his hands. “Why don’t I take this and when the meeting’s done, I’ll make sure he gets it.” She smiled eagerly but her eyes seemed panicky.
“Aren’t you kind…” Jae murmured. “You’re truly a dear.”
“Just trying to help a friend,” she quipped.
“Yes… We could all use friends like you.”
She must have heard something of his thoughts in his words because her smile flickered and he could almost see the wheels in her head turning trying to figure out what he meant.
“Okay, well you see that he gets that and I guess I’ll just see him at home. Thanks again.” Jae flashed one last smile then started off down the hall. Just before he turned the corner, he looked back and called, “Don’t forget our date! And you really need to get some sleep, hun. It’s starting to show. We can’t afford to lose our looks while we’re still young and in the game, can we? Who wants to catch an old, wrinkly fish?” With a parting wave, he disappeared around the corner.
Jae waited outside the building for an hour. He stayed out of sight, just around the corner where he could see the front of the building and Yunho’s car.
He’d never done anything like this before, was never motivated and had never cared enough about anyone to go to such lengths. He didn’t ordinarily approve of such behaviour but he had a hunch, this nagging feeling that refused to be ignored telling him to stick around a little longer. He believed in trusting his instincts so he followed them this time as he always had before.
And it paid off.
The front doors opened and a handful of employees burst out. He recognized them as Yunho’s project managers. The doors swung closed but a minute later they opened again and out came Yunho. He smiled as he spoke to his managers, then turned to say something to someone behind him. As he started walking off with his workers, Hana exited the building and hurried to catch up with them. As soon as she reached them, she pushed her way to Yunho’s side and clamped onto his arm. Even from that distance, Jae could see her nails digging into Yunho’s arm.
Jae had a good view of her face. She smiled up at him as if he were her sun rather than the one in the sky. However, Yunho chatted amiably with all of his co-workers, his eyes never resting on Hana’s upturned face for more than a second.
Jae turned away and leaned against the wall of the building.
He’d seen everything he needed to see.
Yunho closed the door behind his clients and leaned against it. He took a deep breath, held and expelled it and as he did so, a smile spread across his face.
He was free. Finally free.
He felt like celebrating. He wanted to jump, skip and cry. He could already feel the weight being lifted from his shoulders. Closing his eyes again, he sent a prayer of thanks to the big man above for getting him through what felt like the biggest ordeal of his life.
Opening his eyes again, he laughed out loud at how giddily happy he felt.
He needed to call someone, to share the good news.
He wanted to go out and take a drink, get a load off.
He wanted…
He wanted Jae, he realized.
His smile slipped a little as he thought of Jae alone at home, waiting for him. He owed him so much. He’d been patient and understanding, never once complaining about Yunho’s absence or lack of attention. He knew he didn’t deserve Jae, especially after...
Guilt coursed through him at the thought of what he’d let happen.
“God, what the hell did I do?”
Pushing away from the door, he walked to his desk, sat in his chair and snatched up his phone. He stared at it for five straight minutes, deliberating whether to call Jae or not. He decided that he needed to be honest with Jae, to let it all out and let Jae decide whether he wanted to stay with him or not. He’d take him to dinner to celebrate the end of the project. And, he thought selfishly, create one last memory in case it was their last. Then, when they returned home, he’d tell him the truth. Everything. He would’ve liked to make love to Jae one last time but he couldn’t use him like that, knowing that what he had to tell him would likely shatter him. He didn’t want Jae to hate him more than necessary.
He flipped through his phone to Jae’s number and was about to press ‘Call’ when a knock sounded on the door and it opened a second later.
“Hey, boss.” Richard, one of the overseas liaisons on the project, popped his head in. “I’m just heading out. I’ll be in early tomorrow to wrap things up.”
“Oh, okay. See you then,” Yunho replied absently.
“See you.” Richard started to close the door, then poked his head in again. “I forgot to ask, did Jae catch up with you earlier?”
Yunho frowned, confused. “Jae?”
“Yeah, he came by just before lunch. I think he said he was dropping some off for you, lunch that is. He’s a sweet guy. My wife could learn a thing or two from him,” he joked.
Yunho’s face had gone ghostly pale. “Jae was here?”
Richard’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Uh… Yea, you didn’t know? I saw him talking to Hana so I assumed…”
Hana.
Oh, God, what had she done?
“You alright, Yunho?” Richard asked, concern evident in his voice. He pushed the door open, standing on the threshold as he regarded his soon-to-be-ex boss.
“Yeah, I…just remembered something. I have to go.”
Yunho jumped up, pushed all his files into a messy pile, grabbed his phone and briefcase and hurried across the room.
“See you in the morning,” he blurted as he passed Richard and strode down the hall and round the corner to the elevator bank.
He had to go home.
And he prayed that when he got there it wasn’t too late.
Standing on the stoop, Yunho took a deep breath, gathered his courage, squared his shoulders and opened the door.
He expected to find Jae moving around in the kitchen or sitting at the dining table, it was just 6:30pm after all, but silence and darkness were all that greeted him.
Perhaps he’s upstairs, he thought.
Closing the door behind him, he walked fully into the foyer, switching on the entry light as he shed his coat and hung it up on the coat-tree. As he turned around, his foot struck something. He glanced down.
A bag.
Jae’s designer gym bag.
It was packed full to bursting. Yunho didn’t have to open it to know what was inside. Fear clogged his throat and his breathing became shallow.
Oh, G… Was Jae… Was Jae leaving him?
He took off, racing through the house, past the kitchen, his office, all the while calling Jae’s name at the top of his lungs. He retraced his steps and stopped in the foyer. He didn’t bother to go upstairs. He knew Jae wasn’t there. He stared down at the bag again, willing it to disappear. He felt like his life was in that bag. In a way, it was, he realized. Jae had become an integral part of his life. He couldn’t imagine his life without Jae in it and now… Now he’d fucked things up so badly that he just might have pushed him away for good.
“Please, Jae,” he whispered. “Come home.”
Jae stepped into the foyer and froze.
Yunho sat at the dining table staring intently at the front door, at him as he stood in the open doorway. His face was…strange.
“Yunho?” Jae said tentatively, closing the door behind him and taking a step forward.
He barely saw him move but the next thing he knew, Yunho’s arms were around him, holding him tightly. Stumbling beneath the force of Yunho’s weight, Jae dropped into the chair next to the coat-tree, Yunho collapsing to his knees in front of him as he continued to cling.
Burying his face in Jae’s lap, Yunho whispered brokenly, “I’m so sorry, so sorry.”
Confused and more than a little alarmed, Jae raised a hand to Yunho’s head. “Yunho, what’s going on?”
“Please don’t leave me,” he begged. “Please.”
Jae’s alarm went up another notch. “Yunho, what are you talking about?”
Yunho raised his head and Jae gasped at the twisted, tortured mask that was his face. “I know I fucked up.” His voice was hoarse as tears clogged his throat and rolled down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”
Jae’s eyes grew wide and round. Yunho was…crying?
Wiping his tears with gentle fingers, Jae kept his voice calm as he spoke. “Yunho, I don’t understand. What happened?”
“Please don’t leave me,” Yunho pleaded again.
Jae shook his head. “Yunho, I’m not going anywhere. Why would you think that?”
Yunho shook his head and pressed his face back into Jae’s lap. “I know you’re leaving, I saw your bag.”
Jae frowned. My bag?
Suddenly, he remembered the bag at the side of the chair and had to stifle a laugh because it didn’t seem appropriate given the state that Yunho was in.
“Yunnie… I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”
Yunho raised tear-filled eyes to his again. “But your bag…”
Jae smile tenderly. “Noona asked to borrow some things so I packed them up and left them here for her in case I didn’t get back before she got here.”
“Noona?” Yunho repeated blankly.
Jae nodded.
“So you’re not leaving?”
Jae shook his head.
Fresh tears welled up and spilled over onto Yunho’s cheeks. He buried his face in Jae’s lap again, harsh sobs wracking his frame.
Jae was at a loss as to what to do. It reminded him of that day in the cemetery when Yunho had collapsed under the weight of his grief. He hadn’t been able to help him then and he couldn’t think of the words to help him now.
“Yunnie.” His own voice was filled with emotion, fear and worry tinging his words. “Yunnie, please, tell me what’s wrong.”
“I never meant for it to happen,” he babbled. “I never wanted it to, she just…”
“She?” he repeated
There could only be one ‘she’, Jae thought.
“I know that you came to see me, that you talked to her,” he confessed, changing subjects so quickly that Jae could barely keep up.
“I brought you lunch.”
Yunho shook his head vehemently. “I didn’t get it, honest. I was in a meeting then I took the crew out for lunch to celebrate wrapping the project up. If I had known…”
“Yunho…”
“I was just so confused, I just… And she… I didn’t mean for it to happen, I swear,” Yunho begged.
Jae felt a chill race up his spine and his hand stilled on Yunho’s head.
“Yunho. Yunnie, did you…” He could barely think the words, much less say them.
Yunho raised his eyes to Jae’s again. He must have seen the rest of the question in his eyes because his own widened in surprise, his tears immediately drying up.
“No,’ he insisted. “Nothing like that happened. We only kissed, I swear.”
Yunho lay his head on Jae’s lap, his voice still wobbly and full of emotion but stronger than before.
“I’d never even thought about it until she asked me all those questions. I just got so confused, I’ve never been so lost before. I thought, ‘is she right?’ because I’d never asked myself those questions and she said everyone did. I wondered if something was wrong with me. Did I really not know myself like I thought I did? I got so twisted up inside, I just…”
“Shhh,” Jae crooned, wrapping his arms around Yunho as he patted him comfortingly. “It’s okay… It’s okay.”
Jae held him as he quieted down, his breathing evening out.
“Why did she say those things?” Yunho whispered to himself. “Why did she do that?”
Jae’s jaw clenched.
“What did she say, Yunnie?” Jae asked softly. “Tell me what she said. Tell me everything.”
Though his voice and hands were gentle, his eyes were hard as stone.
Later that night, Jae lay in bed holding Yunho, listening to the soft strains of the music he’d put on while he stroked his back gently as he eased him into sleep.
It had been an emotional evening for both of them. He’d asked Yunho to tell him everything and he had, practically every single detail, word for word. He was a little hurt but he understood exactly what had happened now and he was happy that Yunho had come to him. He’d planned to confront him anyway but the way Yunho broke down when he’d thought he was leaving… He couldn’t deny that it made him feel good. It showed him, with and without words, that Yunho really needed and wanted him there . He was still somewhat disappointed in Yunho for letting Hana undermine his confidence but he was even more pissed that she’d attacked him the way she had, because that was exactly what she’d done. Even as he comforted Yunho, his brain was plotting.
“Jae.”
Yunho spoke so suddenly that Jae almost jumped. He’d thought he was sleeping since he’d been so still and hadn’t said anything for a while.
“Mmm?”
“Do you… If you want, you can…do…to me...”
Jae felt a strange heat emanate off of Yunho’s skin and he frowned.
“Yunnie, what are you talking about?”
“Hana said that I can’t possibly know for sure if I’m gay if I haven’t let a man…penetrate me. If I’m always on top then how is it any different from having sex with a woman?”
“She said that?” Jae asked through clenched teeth.
Yunho nodded.
Jae sighed. “Yunnie… Look at me.”
Yunho tilted his head back and gazed up at Jae.
“Being top or being bottom, pitching or catching: neither one makes you any more or any less gay. Your gayness isn’t defined by your sexual position.”
“But Hana said…”
Jae shook his head, silencing him. “Ordinarily, I would agree with most of what Hana said. She’s quite right about a lot of it. But she twisted the truth and used it to her advantage, used it against you. She manipulated you into doubting yourself, which made you vulnerable to her. It doesn’t matter how true her words may have been, what she did was wrong.”
“Maybe…”
Jae gently pinched the back of Yunho’s neck. “No ‘maybe’. I’m right and that’s that.”
Yunho looked away, saying nothing for a minute before turning back to Jae. “Still… If you want to…” His cheeks turned a deep red as he blushed, unable to finish his offer.
Jae smiled. “I love having you in me, Yunnie. It makes me feel…complete.”
“I love being inside you too,” Yunho confessed.
Jae’s smile widened. “We could try it Hana’s way… Or we could stick with what we’re used to, what we like. I have no experience being on top and vice versa and more than likely it’d take some getting used to for both of us so why change the formula when we’re satisfied? They’re our lives to live as we see fit, not Hana’s to dictate when she has no idea what it’s like to be us. All she has are theories on homosexuality. She’ll never be a gay man, never know what our lives are like so just forget everything she said. Put it out of your mind.”
Yunho nodded. “You’re right.”
Jae framed Yunho’s face with his hands, his touch tender. “I really do love having you inside me, Yunnie. I’d never trade it for anything.” Leaning down, he kissed Yunho softly, briefly, then gathered him close again, pressing Yunho’s head to his chest. “Sleep now,” he whispered. “It’s been a long day.”
Chapter 20b