Second Chances (Chapter 9a)
Title: Second Chances
Author: VampireMadonna
Pairing: Main: YunJae; Secondary: JaeMin, HoMin
Rating: PG-13 - R (this chapter)
Length: Chaptered
Summary: After Changmin's death, how are Jae and Yunho going to cope with their grief and their increasing attraction to each other?
You disgust me.
Stifling a groan, Yunho lowered his head to the bar-top. He couldn’t believe he’d actually said that. Not only that he’d said those horribly insulting words but that he’d said them while he could still feel the wetness, now cold, of Jae’s mouth on his manhood. He’d still been hard too. It wasn’t Jae he was disgusted with but himself, and still he’d said those words, knowing the kind of pain they’d cause.
Now, like a coward, he was hiding in a bar indulging his his self-pity with a bottle, or five, of beer, plus the two fingers of scotch he was currently nursing, while leaving Jae to feel like shit (he would have if it was him) all by himself instead of manning up and giving him the apology he rightly deserved. Jae hadn’t done anything he hadn’t wanted him to. He was man enough to admit it to himself.
He hadn’t consciously considered it, never thought about it in any great detail, but when he’d grabbed Jae and held him up against the wall, his emotions rioted with each other: confusion, disdain, awareness, disloyalty, hatred and the ever present grief all battling to take control. In the end, lust had won. He didn’t know when it came into the mix, hadn’t realized it was even there, but he found himself unwillingly noticing things about Jae, again. The deep red and shapeliness of his lips, which were incidentally parted in the moment, allowing him to see just a hint of the tip of that pink tongue that always taunted him when it peeked out to sweep across those rosey curves. His big doe eyes were the widest they’d ever been and he saw that they weren’t really black like he’d always thought. They were in fact a deep, warm brown. They reminded him of brandy. Well, except for the fact that they were filled with fear. And the heat from his body had burned through the thin t-shirt he wore, scorching his palms. The neckline of the t-shirt was wide and had shifted to one side, falling off and exposing his pale, smooth shoulder. And a mole on his arm. Just how many damn moles did he have?
It was too much.
One minute he was staring at him, wishing he would just disappear from his sight, praying he would, and the next he was pinning him to the wall, ravaging his mouth with no thought but to taste, possess, conquer. That Jae fought against him didn’t even register in his mind, he was so lost in the unknown, unrestrained frenzy that overtook him. When awareness finally returned, he gentled his actions, his thoughts screaming their apologies even as his body refused to pull back. Not yet, just a little more. It felt so nice and warm there. When Jae started to respond to him, he didn’t want it to stop, not ever if possible. It wouldn’t be so bad, staying like that, where he couldn’t think and the emotions that coursed through him weren’t bad. There were worst things, like missing his dead husband while battling his growing attraction to said dead husband’s kind, innocent and very attractive friend.
He’d pulled back then, trying to catch his breath and organize his chaotic thoughts. He’d tucked Jae’s head into the crook of his neck while stroking his hair, which he couldn’t help noticing was incredibly soft, silky and smelled like watermelon. Ugh, when would he stop noticing things? It was driving him crazy. He ordered his arms to release Jae, willed himself to push him away before he snapped again. But then Jae had kissed his neck and that single action sent shock waves through his body. He’d been temporarily frozen when Jae did it again and again, trailing upward to his ear and along his jawline. He hadn’t known how to respond. His conscience told him to push Jae away, his mind rationalized that they’d be crossing a line neither one of them could uncross, but his body… His body had already reacted to Jae from when he’d been the one in control and now his heart simply wanted to feel something other than sadness, loneliness and grief. His heart, which he finally realized was fractured, was curious about this person it had unknowingly grown fond of and become attached to. He couldn’t deny it anymore, he wanted to know. Apparently, even the hand on Jae’s head that was unconsciously urging him on knew before he did.
He could still feel Jae on him, around him, feel the warm wetness of his mouth, the undulations of his tongue as it massaged his shaft. That tongue… He would never forget how Jae had looked, kneeling at his feet, licking his own lips and then that first flick of his tongue as it struck out and connected with Yunho’s swollen head. Just thinking about it made his shaft stiffen, his balls tighten. And the orgasm had been… He couldn’t even describe it.
But then he’d screwed up and said the unforgivable.
With a sigh, Yunho raised his head, picked up the glass and downed the remainder of its contents. He stood and made his way to the door. It was time to go home and face the music. He would apologize, beg and plead if he had to. He just had to make it right.
**********
Jae sat at the bar, staring at the frothy pink drink in front of him. The bartender had given it to him on the house, and while he appreciated the gesture, a fifth of Jack Daniel’s was more in keeping with his current mood. Still, he made himself pick it up and take a sip, smiling at the bartender, who blushed in turn like a kid who’d done good, instead of giving into the urge to gag as was his natural inclination. At least it was alcohol.
He’d stayed there, broken on the floor, for at least an hour after Yunho had left the house. When he’d finally felt able, he made himself get up and, not wanting to have to face Yunho or his hate-filled eyes again that night, go out. He didn’t have a destination in mind, he simply walked down the street. Yunho and Changmin lived in a gay friendly area of Seoul with lots of bars and clubs that were hopping at that time of night despite it being a week day. After walking aimlessly for half an hour, he chose a bar at random and went in. He’d felt the welcoming atmosphere immediately. He’d ignored quite a few catcalls and “hellos” as he made his way to the bar but at least they kept their distance. Usually, he welcomed a little attention, fed into it, but he just wasn’t in the mood tonight. He’d keep his interactions limited to the blushing barkeep behind the counter.
“Hey there.”
He looked over to the voice that spoke from his right, a voice that belonged to a body that hadn’t been there two minutes ago.
He raised his brows in question, his ‘do not disturb’ mode in full effect. “Hello?”
The guy chuckled, a dimple winking in his cheek. “You don’t recognize me, do you?”
Jae’s brows furrowed in confusion. “Should I?”
He held out his hand. “I’m LeeHyun, but everyone calls me Hyun. I was at Changmin’s funeral. Yunho and I were friends in high school, still friends I guess though we don’t see each other often.”
Jae settled back into his seat, relaxing marginally. “Oh, I see.”
“You probably wouldn’t have noticed me that day. It was a tough day for everyone but especially for you and Yunho, I suspect. I know how close you and Changmin were…”
Jae nodded, accepting the silent condolences.
“I hope you don’t mind me coming over. I saw you sitting here and started walking over before I’d really put much thought into it,” he confessed.
Jae had half a mind to be honest and say that he did mind, especially since the guy was a friend of Yunho’s, the last person he wanted to see, hear about or be associated with at the moment. But he couldn’t, wouldn’t, be that mean and truthfully it didn’t bother him too much. The guy was a friend by association so he wasn’t exactly a stranger, or so he told himself.
“No, it’s fine.” He paused. “Sorry if I seemed a little cold earlier, it’s just been a hard day and I didn’t want to give anyone the impression that I was looking for company.”
“Should I…?” Hyun asked, starting to slide off his bar stool.
Jae shook his head. “No, stay. It’s cool.”
“Actually, you and I first met back in school too,” Hyun said conversationally as he settled back into his seat.
Jae’s gasped in surprise. “Really? I..”
“It was just once, I wouldn’t expect you to remember. At a basketball game, you and Changmin sat next to me and you were asking all these questions about Yunho.”
Jae’s eyes widened in surprise. “That was you? I’m surprised you remembered that, it was over ten years ago.”
Hyun nodded. “I wouldn’t have ordinarily, except I remember thinking at the time how out of this world you were and well, you are downright beautiful. It’s hard to forget a face like that. I’m sure all of the guys in here who are trying not to be too obvious about the fact that they’re ogling you would agree with me.”
Jae shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his face burning as he looked away.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend or freak you out,” he rushed to apologize. “I forget that I should bite my tongue sometimes…”
Jae cleared his throat and shrugged it off. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Can I just say, in my defense, that you had me tongue-tied back then and now that you’re even more beautiful I can’t be held responsible for whatever verbal diarrhea comes out of my mouth?”
Jae laughed, a full husky sound that had many heads turning in his direction. “I’ll try to keep that in mind.
Smiling to himself as if he’d accomplished a great feat, Hyun turned to the bartender, who he was surprised to find glaring at him across the counter. “Um, scotch on the rocks for me and…” He turned to Jae.
“Same!” Jae chimed in quickly, pushing the frothy pink concoction away from him.
He didn’t miss the ice-cold look the bartender sent his way as he removed the drink from the counter.
“Ouch!” he yelped, jokingly rubbing his chest as if he’d been stabbed. “I guess someone’s mad at me…”
Hyun laughed good-naturedly. “He’ll get over it.”
*****
Yunho let himself into the house for the second time that day, again pausing just inside the door to gather his bearings. This time, he took a few deep breaths to calm his mind so that he wouldn’t say or do anything to make things worse. He was going to mend bridges, not completely demolish them.
He walked into the foyer and wasn’t surprised that Jae wasn’t in the immediate vicinity. He hadn’t been expecting a warm welcome. He went into the living room and saw no sign of him so he crossed over to the dining room and kitchen, then beyond to the laundry room and even checked his office. When he had covered the entire bottom floor of the house, he headed upstairs. In the back of his mind he started to wonder if Jae had packed up his things and left and the thought filled him with anxiety, guilt and regret. Even if Jae decided that he wanted to leave now, and he couldn’t blame him after what he’d done, he still needed to make things right before they parted ways.
He paused outside of Jae’s door, took a deep breath and knocked. When he got no response, he knocked again.
“Jae.”
He pressed his ear to the door and listened but couldn’t hear anything.
“Jae, please, open up. I just want to talk to you, to…”
He wasn’t going to do this through the door. He grabbed the handle and turned, surprised when it gave way easily in his grip. He knew Jae wasn’t there even before the door was completely open. He stepped inside and glanced around. He could see traces of Jae everywhere. A pair of shoes here, a scarf there. His closet door was open, revealing his neatly hung clothes. The bathroom door was also open and he could see his toiletries, also neatly organized, on the counter. He hadn’t packed his things and left like Yunho had feared.
But he isn’t here either.
Yunho walked to the window and looked outside at the inky blackness beyond, blackness broken only by the tufts of white that drifted down from the sky. Jae hadn’t taken Changmin’s car, it had been in the driveway when he’d pulled in beside it. It was late and it was snowing. Jae wasn’t a stranger to the neighbourhood but there were always unseen dangers out there and he was so gentle and delicate… A cold stab of fear pierced Yunho’s heart.
If anything happened to Jae, he’d never forgive himself.
**********
“I can’t believe you did that!” Jae exclaimed, howling in laughter.
“What can I say? I have my moments,” Hyun rejoined.
As his laughter drifted off into a contented sigh, Jae glanced down at his watch. “Oh, shit. I didn’t realize it was so late.” He was already shrugging into his coat, which he’d hung on the back of his barstool, as he met Hyun’s gaze. “I really should get going. Oh wait,” he continued, more to himself than his companion, “I didn’t drive here. I need to call a cab.”
“I can take you,” Hyun offered.
Jae shook his head, placing his hands on the counter as he slid off the stool. “No, it’s okay. I wouldn’t…”
Hyun’s hand covered his where it rested. As Jae’s eyes swung up to meet his, he said, “I don’t mind. Really.”
Jae would’ve had to be blind to miss the invitation, or was it question, in Hyun’s eyes. He was frozen still for a moment. He hadn’t had to ward off any advances in a long time. As he looked at Hyun, he told himself that it wouldn’t be so bad to extend their time together. Hyun was fun, reasonably goodlooking and most importantly, he made him laugh. It had been so long since he’d heard his own laughter, genuine laughter, that he almost hadn’t recognized it. They were both unmarried (he’d already checked for a wedding ring), presumably single consenting adults. There was nothing wrong with wanting to feel good, just for a little while, was there?
He nodded his head slowly. “Okay.”
Hyun threw a handful of bills on the counter, took Jae’s elbow and started leading the way out of the bar. Jae glanced over at the bartender, who was still glaring at them. He smiled and made a little finger wave, eliciting a blush and half-smile in response.
Hyun’s car was just down the street from the bar. The roads had been packed when he’d pulled up, he said, so there wasn’t parking nearby. Considering how busy it had been when he was strolling around, Jae didn’t doubt him for a minute. But now, the crowds had thinned out and the streets weren’t as congested. Hyun stopped at a late series Nissan. It was a little shadowed in that area. There was light from the streetlights down the street on either side but they were at least twenty feet in each direction so it was comparatively dim where the car was parked.
Hyun unlocked the passenger door first for Jae, closing it behind him when he was buckled in.
Brownie points for chivalry, Jae thought.
Hyun slid in beside him, buckled his seat-belt and started the car. He turned on the heater to warm up the inside while the engine warmed up as well.
“Just give it a minute,” he said.
Jae nodded.
They said nothing for a time, Jae looking down at his hands as he again questioned his own sanity.
“You are so beautiful…” Hyun whispered from beside him.
Jae looked over at him, a blush creeping into his cheeks.
He said nothing and made no move to turn away when Hyun unbuckled his own seat-belt and leaned towards him. His hands were tender when they cupped Jae’s face, his lips soft when they pressed against Jae’s.
He wasn’t a bad kisser, not at all. Jae closed his eyes and leaned into the kiss, mentally preparing himself, forcing himself, to accept it and more. Hyun was a nice guy, there was nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with him.
Emphasis on ‘wanting’, a little voice jeered at him.
He ignored it and let his hands slide around Hyun’s neck. When Hyun pulled him closer and his tongue swept into his mouth, Jae resisted the urge to clamp down on it and pull back. Why was it so hard? He shouldn’t have to struggle this hard to be with someone. It wasn’t like Yunho was…
Just then, he felt Hyun’s hand squeeze his crotch and he immediately jumped back, eyes wide.
“I’m sorry, did I startle you? Am I moving too fast?” Hyun asked, immediately apologetic.
“No, I’m sorry,” Jae rushed to assure him, feeling like a heel. What was wrong with him? “The seat-belt is digging into my neck,” he explained. It was a lame excuse but when he touched his neck and felt the rawness, he was surprised to find that it was true.
“Oh.” Hyun’s eyes immediately cleared up. He smiled sheepishly. “Slight oversight on my part, sorry.”
Jae nodded, smiling wryly.
They lapsed into silence for a couple of minutes before Hyun made his move again. This time he made sure to release Jae’s seat-belt, chuckling nervously as he pushed it out of the way. His kiss and touch were just as gentle as the first time and Jae forced himself to respond yet again. He wanted so badly to feel something, anything, but couldn’t. His actions were simply automatic. Why was it that when Yunho was hurting him he’d felt so much?
Because you love him, that snooty little voice reminded him.
That therein was the difference. Even when Yunho had hurt him, had kissed him painfully and without consent, he’d felt it, and enjoyed it to some degree, because it came from Yunho. Yunho, the man he’d loved for more than half his life.
He’d never been able to be fully intimate with anyone he didn’t truly care for. That’s why he’d mostly stuck to short-term flings and had so few real relationships. What Hyun was asking of him was a one-night stand and he knew he wasn’t capable of that. He should’ve never agreed to come with him.
When he felt Hyun’s hand sliding down his stomach to his waist, he covered it with his. He pulled back and broke the kiss, his eyes apologetic.
“I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”
“What?” Hyun asked confused.
“I can’t, I… ” Jae shook his head helplessly. “Please, just take me home.”
Hyun leaned into him and captured his lips again. Jae pushed against him but when he wouldn’t let up, he let his body go lax and unresponsive. Hyun pulled back, his face and eyes hardening.
“You know, I get that your type likes to play games but don’t you think you’re going too far?”
Jae frowned in confusion. “What?”
“You pretty ones always think you have control. You tease and tease until you drive men crazy with wanting you. Do you get off on leading men on only to shut the door in their faces?”
Jae’s mouth fell open in shock.
Taking advantage of his silence, Hyun jumped on him, pressing him down with his weight and kissing him roughly while his hands slid all over Jae’s body, pulling and tugging at his clothes.
This time Jae didn’t stay still. He fought back, hitching his knees up to jam Hyun in his side while he tried to free his restrained hands. He managed to slide one out, grabbed a fistful of Hyun’s hair and pulled. He bit down on his lip for extra measure.
When Hyun pulled away from him, he was finally able to gulp much needed fresh air.
Hyun angrily wiped the blood that trickled from his cut lip. “You bitch!” he roared, striking out.
Pain exploded in Jae’s head as Hyun’s open palm connected with the left side of his face, the force of which slammed the right side of his head into the door frame. His head spun and darkness threatened to swallow him. From a distance he heard a car door open, barely felt his body being pushed until it rolled out onto the snow-covered sidewalk. He heard the muffled sound of a car speeding away.
As he lay there fighting back the blackness, unseeing, unfeeling, unknowing, the rain began to fall, gentle drops kissing his cheeks and commingling with the tears that slipped silently from his eyes. For the second time that day, he was lying on the cold, hard ground, hurt and utterly alone.
Part: 9b
Author: VampireMadonna
Pairing: Main: YunJae; Secondary: JaeMin, HoMin
Rating: PG-13 - R (this chapter)
Length: Chaptered
Summary: After Changmin's death, how are Jae and Yunho going to cope with their grief and their increasing attraction to each other?
You disgust me.
Stifling a groan, Yunho lowered his head to the bar-top. He couldn’t believe he’d actually said that. Not only that he’d said those horribly insulting words but that he’d said them while he could still feel the wetness, now cold, of Jae’s mouth on his manhood. He’d still been hard too. It wasn’t Jae he was disgusted with but himself, and still he’d said those words, knowing the kind of pain they’d cause.
Now, like a coward, he was hiding in a bar indulging his his self-pity with a bottle, or five, of beer, plus the two fingers of scotch he was currently nursing, while leaving Jae to feel like shit (he would have if it was him) all by himself instead of manning up and giving him the apology he rightly deserved. Jae hadn’t done anything he hadn’t wanted him to. He was man enough to admit it to himself.
He hadn’t consciously considered it, never thought about it in any great detail, but when he’d grabbed Jae and held him up against the wall, his emotions rioted with each other: confusion, disdain, awareness, disloyalty, hatred and the ever present grief all battling to take control. In the end, lust had won. He didn’t know when it came into the mix, hadn’t realized it was even there, but he found himself unwillingly noticing things about Jae, again. The deep red and shapeliness of his lips, which were incidentally parted in the moment, allowing him to see just a hint of the tip of that pink tongue that always taunted him when it peeked out to sweep across those rosey curves. His big doe eyes were the widest they’d ever been and he saw that they weren’t really black like he’d always thought. They were in fact a deep, warm brown. They reminded him of brandy. Well, except for the fact that they were filled with fear. And the heat from his body had burned through the thin t-shirt he wore, scorching his palms. The neckline of the t-shirt was wide and had shifted to one side, falling off and exposing his pale, smooth shoulder. And a mole on his arm. Just how many damn moles did he have?
It was too much.
One minute he was staring at him, wishing he would just disappear from his sight, praying he would, and the next he was pinning him to the wall, ravaging his mouth with no thought but to taste, possess, conquer. That Jae fought against him didn’t even register in his mind, he was so lost in the unknown, unrestrained frenzy that overtook him. When awareness finally returned, he gentled his actions, his thoughts screaming their apologies even as his body refused to pull back. Not yet, just a little more. It felt so nice and warm there. When Jae started to respond to him, he didn’t want it to stop, not ever if possible. It wouldn’t be so bad, staying like that, where he couldn’t think and the emotions that coursed through him weren’t bad. There were worst things, like missing his dead husband while battling his growing attraction to said dead husband’s kind, innocent and very attractive friend.
He’d pulled back then, trying to catch his breath and organize his chaotic thoughts. He’d tucked Jae’s head into the crook of his neck while stroking his hair, which he couldn’t help noticing was incredibly soft, silky and smelled like watermelon. Ugh, when would he stop noticing things? It was driving him crazy. He ordered his arms to release Jae, willed himself to push him away before he snapped again. But then Jae had kissed his neck and that single action sent shock waves through his body. He’d been temporarily frozen when Jae did it again and again, trailing upward to his ear and along his jawline. He hadn’t known how to respond. His conscience told him to push Jae away, his mind rationalized that they’d be crossing a line neither one of them could uncross, but his body… His body had already reacted to Jae from when he’d been the one in control and now his heart simply wanted to feel something other than sadness, loneliness and grief. His heart, which he finally realized was fractured, was curious about this person it had unknowingly grown fond of and become attached to. He couldn’t deny it anymore, he wanted to know. Apparently, even the hand on Jae’s head that was unconsciously urging him on knew before he did.
He could still feel Jae on him, around him, feel the warm wetness of his mouth, the undulations of his tongue as it massaged his shaft. That tongue… He would never forget how Jae had looked, kneeling at his feet, licking his own lips and then that first flick of his tongue as it struck out and connected with Yunho’s swollen head. Just thinking about it made his shaft stiffen, his balls tighten. And the orgasm had been… He couldn’t even describe it.
But then he’d screwed up and said the unforgivable.
With a sigh, Yunho raised his head, picked up the glass and downed the remainder of its contents. He stood and made his way to the door. It was time to go home and face the music. He would apologize, beg and plead if he had to. He just had to make it right.
**********
Jae sat at the bar, staring at the frothy pink drink in front of him. The bartender had given it to him on the house, and while he appreciated the gesture, a fifth of Jack Daniel’s was more in keeping with his current mood. Still, he made himself pick it up and take a sip, smiling at the bartender, who blushed in turn like a kid who’d done good, instead of giving into the urge to gag as was his natural inclination. At least it was alcohol.
He’d stayed there, broken on the floor, for at least an hour after Yunho had left the house. When he’d finally felt able, he made himself get up and, not wanting to have to face Yunho or his hate-filled eyes again that night, go out. He didn’t have a destination in mind, he simply walked down the street. Yunho and Changmin lived in a gay friendly area of Seoul with lots of bars and clubs that were hopping at that time of night despite it being a week day. After walking aimlessly for half an hour, he chose a bar at random and went in. He’d felt the welcoming atmosphere immediately. He’d ignored quite a few catcalls and “hellos” as he made his way to the bar but at least they kept their distance. Usually, he welcomed a little attention, fed into it, but he just wasn’t in the mood tonight. He’d keep his interactions limited to the blushing barkeep behind the counter.
“Hey there.”
He looked over to the voice that spoke from his right, a voice that belonged to a body that hadn’t been there two minutes ago.
He raised his brows in question, his ‘do not disturb’ mode in full effect. “Hello?”
The guy chuckled, a dimple winking in his cheek. “You don’t recognize me, do you?”
Jae’s brows furrowed in confusion. “Should I?”
He held out his hand. “I’m LeeHyun, but everyone calls me Hyun. I was at Changmin’s funeral. Yunho and I were friends in high school, still friends I guess though we don’t see each other often.”
Jae settled back into his seat, relaxing marginally. “Oh, I see.”
“You probably wouldn’t have noticed me that day. It was a tough day for everyone but especially for you and Yunho, I suspect. I know how close you and Changmin were…”
Jae nodded, accepting the silent condolences.
“I hope you don’t mind me coming over. I saw you sitting here and started walking over before I’d really put much thought into it,” he confessed.
Jae had half a mind to be honest and say that he did mind, especially since the guy was a friend of Yunho’s, the last person he wanted to see, hear about or be associated with at the moment. But he couldn’t, wouldn’t, be that mean and truthfully it didn’t bother him too much. The guy was a friend by association so he wasn’t exactly a stranger, or so he told himself.
“No, it’s fine.” He paused. “Sorry if I seemed a little cold earlier, it’s just been a hard day and I didn’t want to give anyone the impression that I was looking for company.”
“Should I…?” Hyun asked, starting to slide off his bar stool.
Jae shook his head. “No, stay. It’s cool.”
“Actually, you and I first met back in school too,” Hyun said conversationally as he settled back into his seat.
Jae’s gasped in surprise. “Really? I..”
“It was just once, I wouldn’t expect you to remember. At a basketball game, you and Changmin sat next to me and you were asking all these questions about Yunho.”
Jae’s eyes widened in surprise. “That was you? I’m surprised you remembered that, it was over ten years ago.”
Hyun nodded. “I wouldn’t have ordinarily, except I remember thinking at the time how out of this world you were and well, you are downright beautiful. It’s hard to forget a face like that. I’m sure all of the guys in here who are trying not to be too obvious about the fact that they’re ogling you would agree with me.”
Jae shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his face burning as he looked away.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend or freak you out,” he rushed to apologize. “I forget that I should bite my tongue sometimes…”
Jae cleared his throat and shrugged it off. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Can I just say, in my defense, that you had me tongue-tied back then and now that you’re even more beautiful I can’t be held responsible for whatever verbal diarrhea comes out of my mouth?”
Jae laughed, a full husky sound that had many heads turning in his direction. “I’ll try to keep that in mind.
Smiling to himself as if he’d accomplished a great feat, Hyun turned to the bartender, who he was surprised to find glaring at him across the counter. “Um, scotch on the rocks for me and…” He turned to Jae.
“Same!” Jae chimed in quickly, pushing the frothy pink concoction away from him.
He didn’t miss the ice-cold look the bartender sent his way as he removed the drink from the counter.
“Ouch!” he yelped, jokingly rubbing his chest as if he’d been stabbed. “I guess someone’s mad at me…”
Hyun laughed good-naturedly. “He’ll get over it.”
*****
Yunho let himself into the house for the second time that day, again pausing just inside the door to gather his bearings. This time, he took a few deep breaths to calm his mind so that he wouldn’t say or do anything to make things worse. He was going to mend bridges, not completely demolish them.
He walked into the foyer and wasn’t surprised that Jae wasn’t in the immediate vicinity. He hadn’t been expecting a warm welcome. He went into the living room and saw no sign of him so he crossed over to the dining room and kitchen, then beyond to the laundry room and even checked his office. When he had covered the entire bottom floor of the house, he headed upstairs. In the back of his mind he started to wonder if Jae had packed up his things and left and the thought filled him with anxiety, guilt and regret. Even if Jae decided that he wanted to leave now, and he couldn’t blame him after what he’d done, he still needed to make things right before they parted ways.
He paused outside of Jae’s door, took a deep breath and knocked. When he got no response, he knocked again.
“Jae.”
He pressed his ear to the door and listened but couldn’t hear anything.
“Jae, please, open up. I just want to talk to you, to…”
He wasn’t going to do this through the door. He grabbed the handle and turned, surprised when it gave way easily in his grip. He knew Jae wasn’t there even before the door was completely open. He stepped inside and glanced around. He could see traces of Jae everywhere. A pair of shoes here, a scarf there. His closet door was open, revealing his neatly hung clothes. The bathroom door was also open and he could see his toiletries, also neatly organized, on the counter. He hadn’t packed his things and left like Yunho had feared.
But he isn’t here either.
Yunho walked to the window and looked outside at the inky blackness beyond, blackness broken only by the tufts of white that drifted down from the sky. Jae hadn’t taken Changmin’s car, it had been in the driveway when he’d pulled in beside it. It was late and it was snowing. Jae wasn’t a stranger to the neighbourhood but there were always unseen dangers out there and he was so gentle and delicate… A cold stab of fear pierced Yunho’s heart.
If anything happened to Jae, he’d never forgive himself.
**********
“I can’t believe you did that!” Jae exclaimed, howling in laughter.
“What can I say? I have my moments,” Hyun rejoined.
As his laughter drifted off into a contented sigh, Jae glanced down at his watch. “Oh, shit. I didn’t realize it was so late.” He was already shrugging into his coat, which he’d hung on the back of his barstool, as he met Hyun’s gaze. “I really should get going. Oh wait,” he continued, more to himself than his companion, “I didn’t drive here. I need to call a cab.”
“I can take you,” Hyun offered.
Jae shook his head, placing his hands on the counter as he slid off the stool. “No, it’s okay. I wouldn’t…”
Hyun’s hand covered his where it rested. As Jae’s eyes swung up to meet his, he said, “I don’t mind. Really.”
Jae would’ve had to be blind to miss the invitation, or was it question, in Hyun’s eyes. He was frozen still for a moment. He hadn’t had to ward off any advances in a long time. As he looked at Hyun, he told himself that it wouldn’t be so bad to extend their time together. Hyun was fun, reasonably goodlooking and most importantly, he made him laugh. It had been so long since he’d heard his own laughter, genuine laughter, that he almost hadn’t recognized it. They were both unmarried (he’d already checked for a wedding ring), presumably single consenting adults. There was nothing wrong with wanting to feel good, just for a little while, was there?
He nodded his head slowly. “Okay.”
Hyun threw a handful of bills on the counter, took Jae’s elbow and started leading the way out of the bar. Jae glanced over at the bartender, who was still glaring at them. He smiled and made a little finger wave, eliciting a blush and half-smile in response.
Hyun’s car was just down the street from the bar. The roads had been packed when he’d pulled up, he said, so there wasn’t parking nearby. Considering how busy it had been when he was strolling around, Jae didn’t doubt him for a minute. But now, the crowds had thinned out and the streets weren’t as congested. Hyun stopped at a late series Nissan. It was a little shadowed in that area. There was light from the streetlights down the street on either side but they were at least twenty feet in each direction so it was comparatively dim where the car was parked.
Hyun unlocked the passenger door first for Jae, closing it behind him when he was buckled in.
Brownie points for chivalry, Jae thought.
Hyun slid in beside him, buckled his seat-belt and started the car. He turned on the heater to warm up the inside while the engine warmed up as well.
“Just give it a minute,” he said.
Jae nodded.
They said nothing for a time, Jae looking down at his hands as he again questioned his own sanity.
“You are so beautiful…” Hyun whispered from beside him.
Jae looked over at him, a blush creeping into his cheeks.
He said nothing and made no move to turn away when Hyun unbuckled his own seat-belt and leaned towards him. His hands were tender when they cupped Jae’s face, his lips soft when they pressed against Jae’s.
He wasn’t a bad kisser, not at all. Jae closed his eyes and leaned into the kiss, mentally preparing himself, forcing himself, to accept it and more. Hyun was a nice guy, there was nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with him.
Emphasis on ‘wanting’, a little voice jeered at him.
He ignored it and let his hands slide around Hyun’s neck. When Hyun pulled him closer and his tongue swept into his mouth, Jae resisted the urge to clamp down on it and pull back. Why was it so hard? He shouldn’t have to struggle this hard to be with someone. It wasn’t like Yunho was…
Just then, he felt Hyun’s hand squeeze his crotch and he immediately jumped back, eyes wide.
“I’m sorry, did I startle you? Am I moving too fast?” Hyun asked, immediately apologetic.
“No, I’m sorry,” Jae rushed to assure him, feeling like a heel. What was wrong with him? “The seat-belt is digging into my neck,” he explained. It was a lame excuse but when he touched his neck and felt the rawness, he was surprised to find that it was true.
“Oh.” Hyun’s eyes immediately cleared up. He smiled sheepishly. “Slight oversight on my part, sorry.”
Jae nodded, smiling wryly.
They lapsed into silence for a couple of minutes before Hyun made his move again. This time he made sure to release Jae’s seat-belt, chuckling nervously as he pushed it out of the way. His kiss and touch were just as gentle as the first time and Jae forced himself to respond yet again. He wanted so badly to feel something, anything, but couldn’t. His actions were simply automatic. Why was it that when Yunho was hurting him he’d felt so much?
Because you love him, that snooty little voice reminded him.
That therein was the difference. Even when Yunho had hurt him, had kissed him painfully and without consent, he’d felt it, and enjoyed it to some degree, because it came from Yunho. Yunho, the man he’d loved for more than half his life.
He’d never been able to be fully intimate with anyone he didn’t truly care for. That’s why he’d mostly stuck to short-term flings and had so few real relationships. What Hyun was asking of him was a one-night stand and he knew he wasn’t capable of that. He should’ve never agreed to come with him.
When he felt Hyun’s hand sliding down his stomach to his waist, he covered it with his. He pulled back and broke the kiss, his eyes apologetic.
“I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”
“What?” Hyun asked confused.
“I can’t, I… ” Jae shook his head helplessly. “Please, just take me home.”
Hyun leaned into him and captured his lips again. Jae pushed against him but when he wouldn’t let up, he let his body go lax and unresponsive. Hyun pulled back, his face and eyes hardening.
“You know, I get that your type likes to play games but don’t you think you’re going too far?”
Jae frowned in confusion. “What?”
“You pretty ones always think you have control. You tease and tease until you drive men crazy with wanting you. Do you get off on leading men on only to shut the door in their faces?”
Jae’s mouth fell open in shock.
Taking advantage of his silence, Hyun jumped on him, pressing him down with his weight and kissing him roughly while his hands slid all over Jae’s body, pulling and tugging at his clothes.
This time Jae didn’t stay still. He fought back, hitching his knees up to jam Hyun in his side while he tried to free his restrained hands. He managed to slide one out, grabbed a fistful of Hyun’s hair and pulled. He bit down on his lip for extra measure.
When Hyun pulled away from him, he was finally able to gulp much needed fresh air.
Hyun angrily wiped the blood that trickled from his cut lip. “You bitch!” he roared, striking out.
Pain exploded in Jae’s head as Hyun’s open palm connected with the left side of his face, the force of which slammed the right side of his head into the door frame. His head spun and darkness threatened to swallow him. From a distance he heard a car door open, barely felt his body being pushed until it rolled out onto the snow-covered sidewalk. He heard the muffled sound of a car speeding away.
As he lay there fighting back the blackness, unseeing, unfeeling, unknowing, the rain began to fall, gentle drops kissing his cheeks and commingling with the tears that slipped silently from his eyes. For the second time that day, he was lying on the cold, hard ground, hurt and utterly alone.
Part: 9b