12 Days of Christmas
The Fourth Day of Christmas....
....Four Colly Birds
Title: Broken Wings
Rating: 18
Band: X Japan
Pairing: Heath X Toshi
Written for:
morbidprose
Summary: Heath knows he needs to confess his secret to Toshi, it's just never the right time and when it is the right time his courage fails him. It's not like telling Toshi is going to change anything, maybe it's easier not to tell him at all?
Author's Note: Quick reminder: A colly bird is an old english name for a blackbird.
Heath was sat on the edge of his seat as Toshi admired his new lamp. He prayed Toshi wouldn't find it's secret, so that he didn't have to explain. At the same time he longed for Toshi to figure it out. So that he would have to confess, see where things led. Every since the day Toshi had left X, he had known just how much in love he was. The day Toshi announced he was getting a divorce and had left the cult he had sworn he would tell the truth. Toshi might not love him back, he'd never given a sign he might be into men, but he wanted it out in the open none the less.
Toshi's hand reached for the black bird, so close but would he pull it? His hand froze over the bird, scared to touch. He was puzzling it out, he knew something about the bird wasn't normal and yet he couldn't quite grasp why it was so special.
“Is the bird just for decoration?” Toshi asked. “Or some kind of switch?”
“I'll show you.” Heath replied, relieved that the secret wasn't going to come out, not today. But how long could he break his promise to himself? When would the right moment be? He had kind of hoped it would be today. He had Toshi alone and they were both in a good mood. Why was he hesitating?
“If you pull the bird the light changes colour.” He explained, pulling the bird just enough to release the pressure on the switch inside. The yellow light turned red and a smile of understanding appeared on Toshi's face. His fascination with the light forgotten. Relieved, and feeling cowardly, Heath pushed the bird back into place and sat down beside Toshi. One day he would tell him, but not today.
A few hours later, when Toshi had gone home, he returned to the lamp and pulled the bird. The head of a dildo, hidden in plane sight. If Toshi had just pulled this himself he would have figured it out. That Heath wasn't as straight as he pretended to be. He would have shared everything, but it wasn't to be.
A few days later Heath got another chance to confess to Toshi. Yoshiki was busy with Sugizo and Pata, trying to get the right symmetry on the stage between the guitarists. He was convinced something didn't seem to match about the way they played. Off course they didn't match. Pata and Sugizo were as different as night and day.
“There's going to be tears soon.” Toshi commented. They'd both long given up on trying to understand exactly what was bothering Yoshiki and had sent a roadie for their coffees. Heath took a sip of his and sighed.
“Yeah. Such a drama queen.” he replied rolling his eyes. “I swear he causes more trouble than you did when you left.”
“I'm sorry about that.” Toshi apologised, for the billionth time.
“All forgiven.” Heath reminded him. “The problem is, if you don't understand what's wrong with him, nobody else will.”
“He has this vision of the set.” Toshi replied with a shrug. “I'm not so sure even he has any idea.”
“So,” Heath began. “There's something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”
“Sounds bad?” Toshi guessed.
“I hope not.” Heath replied with a nervous laugh. “I just wanted to say, that is, you're a dear friend to me Toshi.”
“Heath?” Toshi asked confused. “Has it got anything to do with that lamp?”
“The lamp?” Heath repeated.
“With the sex toy hidden inside?” Toshi replied stunning Heath. He knew? Why hadn't he said anything? “Don't look so shocked, I saw something similar online and you were acting so strange.”
“I,” Heath stammered. “That is to say. Yes?”
“Yes?” Toshi repeated. “Just spit it out Heath. You're a dear friend to me too.”
“I'm in love with you.” Heath got out, moments before they were called back on stage. Frustrated he glanced at Toshi who smiled back. The smile was unreadable, but it was supportive. That was something at least.
Rehearsal seemed to continue on forever. Yoshiki finding a mic stand from somewhere and getting Toshi to try performing with that for 'maximum fan-service with Sugizo.' It was the cruellest of tournaments after his confession. Several times Toshi shot him a helpless look but that just got him in trouble with Yoshiki.
“Toshi? Heath? Is there something you're not sharing?” Yoshiki demanded. “You keep looking at each other like a pair of separated love birds.”
“More like blackbirds.” Sugizo joked. “With their jet black hair and black outfits. Perhaps Heath should take my place at this point?”
“Whatever.” Yoshiki agreed with a sigh. Things just weren't going his way today. He perked up when he took notice of the chemistry though. Something about Toshi and Heath today just seemed to gel perfectly. Even from behind he could tell and he ordered them to repeat the actions as he went to stand in front of the stage. Yes this was perfect. Well almost. “Heath, stop looking so reserved. You're acting like you're scared to touch him. But the longing is there. It's hypnotic.”
“Go for it,” Toshi agreed, “I don't bite.”
“I do.” Heath teased and like a light been switched on he was all passion. Leaning back against Toshi as both hands wandering over his chest, creeping tauntingly low. It was almost enough to make him hard but he was too nervous for that still. Laughing he leant around and accepted Toshi's lips against his own. This wasn't fan-service anymore, it was real.
“Anyone would think you guys were in love.” Pata complained. Perhaps jealous that Toshi and Heath had managed to achieve the perfect symmetry, when he and Sugizo had struggled.
“Maybe we are.” Toshi teased. His meaning lost to Heath who didn't want to hope too much, or read more from the comment than was actually there.
“We're going with this.” Yoshiki decided. Not one person in the room could think of any reason not to agree.
Heath had packed up his guitar in record time, relieved to see Toshi waiting for him. So he hadn't scared him off, that was good. He'd been worried the fan-service would be too much, especially after his confession but if anything Toshi had been more into it than he was.
They left together, neither saying a word until they were far out of earshot. Even then it was nothing more than Toshi inviting Heath over to continue their discussion. Heath naturally had agreed and drove behind Toshi's car the whole way. The wait to hear Toshi's response nothing but pure torture.
“First, we all knew you were gay. We've placed bets on when you're going to tell us all.” Toshi explained. “Way back when you joined us in the beginning. I have no idea why you never told us, why you pretend to be straight but you don't need to hide that. Not from us. We're social rebels, why would we care?”
“It just got harder as time passed.” Heath apologised. “I don't know. Nobody ever asked me much about romance in general. Now I know it's because you all knew, but didn't want to let on?”
“We've all kept secrets.” Toshi reassured him. “As for you being in love with me. Is this a gay kind of love?”
“It is.” Heath admitted. “But I'm not going to attack you or anything. I know I had no chance with you. I just, wanted you to know.”
“I'm broken Heath.” Toshi confessed. “Moritani has left me unable to trust women, trust anyone really but I do trust you. I guess I know what you want from me?”
“To sing in X.” Heath confirmed. “That's my only demand. Wait, and to be my friend?”
“And a billion small favours.” Toshi added. “But you have no malicious intentions towards me. So I believe you. You love me but I don't know how to love you back.”
“I could kill her.” Heath snapped. “Her and Masaya too.”
“I wouldn't be a good boyfriend too you.” Toshi warned. “I can't give to you anymore than I'm giving now.”
“I didn't ask you to be my boyfriend.” Heath said with a shrug. He hadn't really thought about what he wanted from Toshi. What did he want?
“I've slept with men before.” Toshi confessed. “They're not my preference but, physically I could be yours?”
“Don't demean yourself like that.” Heath snapped. “For gods sake Toshi! This isn't about sex. You should be cherished. I would worship you if you were mine. Protect you, love you with every fibre of my being.”
“Protect me from myself?” Toshi teased. “I know that's what you're implying. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I want to return your love but I'm scared I no longer know how to.”
“Toshi...” Heath stammered. Toshi had warned him that he was broken, it was only now he was beginning to understand how. How was he supposed to heal Toshi's heart? “I can love you, even if you're broken. Even if you can never return that love. I will love you regardless. So, would you like to go out with me?”
“Sure, I'll be your blackbird.” Toshi agreed.
“I'll heal your broken wings.” Heath promised as he learnt over to give Toshi a kiss.
Toshi couldn't remember the last time he had felt like this. Had he ever been so loved and appreciated? Heath truly meant it when he had promised to help him. Showering him with nothing but love for the whole date. He'd had his reservations before, but they were gone now. It wasn't hard to fall madly in love with the bassist, the love that had been in his heart for years shifting into the more romantic variety.
He adored Heath, at least tonight he did. The bassist treating him to a meal in his favourite restaurant and refusing to accept a single yen from him. Ordinary it would have made him feel like a charity case, but Heath wasn't paying out of pity. He was being seduced, he was aware of it and he couldn't resist the charm.
He had accepted Heath's loaded invite to come back to his house for coffee. Shyly following the bassist into the bedroom, knowing all along this was really what had been asked. Even then, despite his obvious longing, Heath simply sat on the bed offering Toshi a chocolate from a box that had been left in the room.
“You brought the lamp in here.” Toshi commented as he choose his chocolate and lay on the bed besides Heath.
“You made me realise my friends aren't the type to look but not touch.” Heath teased. “Besides, I feel it will be of more use in here.”
“It may be.” Toshi agreed with a smile. It was all the encouragement Heath needed to kiss him. He'd been aroused for almost quarter of an hour now, Toshi hadn't missed that and the bassist had made no attempt to hide it. Heath was desperate for him, it showed in the kiss and in the way he straddled Toshi, their bodies grinding together desperately trying to get pleasure through their clothes. It was in this moment that Toshi realised romance didn't come as naturally to Heath as he had led him to believe. He faked it to get him into bed but Toshi didn't mind. He had always known what Heath wanted from him, that much would never change.
Gently he reached up and began helping Heath out of his clothes, almost as horny himself now thanks to Heath. He smiled as more and more skin was revealed, gently stroking Heath all over. His affections returned when Heath undressed him.
“It's not that big.” Heath warned, confusing Toshi for a moment before he noticed the lamp now shined red. The toy now in Heath's hands. It felt like destiny that this would be used on him and he spread his legs eagerly.
The lubed toy pushed inside him, fitting nicely without preparation. It wasn't that big but in Heath's experienced hands it managed to hit the right spot with every movement. A contented moan escaped his lips as he lay back, parting his legs further to give Heath better access. He'd never felt so relaxed, or so safe.
A finger slid beside the toy, stretching him and making him moan louder. Especially when another finger followed not long after. He'd never felt so full, stretched to his limits, yet somehow no pain was involved at all. He'd never realised just how much his body could take.
“I need you so bad.” Heath whispered into his ear. The toy and fingers pulling out. This was his apology for not being able to continue the foreplay.
“I need you too.” Toshi confessed as their bodies seemed to melt together. Heath filling him felt like he had just found what he was missing. Pulling Heath into his arms they moved together in perfect harmony. Heath, just by being himself, could heal him for they were two halves of one whole.
Catching Heath's lips with his own, Toshi initiated a kiss that quickly grew desperate and forceful. When was the last time Toshi had felt so much passion in the bedroom? When was the last time he'd actually slept with someone who loved him even half as much? Heath adored him, that much was obvious. His friend, no his lover was like an open book. He had his secrets, every man did, but for the most part his intentions were open and honest. He was exactly the kind of person Toshi needed in his life right now.
Riding his orgasm, still buried deep in Toshi, Heath couldn't believe this was actually happening. If he'd know Toshi was into men he would have seduced him straight away. Perhaps though it was better that he'd had time to learn to love him first? Toshi needed to be with someone who genuinely cared and now he had grown to be that man.
Carefully pulling out, Heath wrapped his mouth around Toshi's arousal and began to suck gently. He could be here all night for all he cared, listening to Toshi's soft moans and feeling the strong fingers stroking his hair. He'd had his fair share of failed relationships too, he realised. This wasn't one sided, they would heal together.
When Toshi came, Heath swallowed every drop before lying down beside him. For a moment he wondered what they should talk about, but then out of the blue Toshi made a comment about a song on the radio earlier and they were talking about music, other bands, clothes, any insignificant thing they felt like. The significant words didn't need to be spoken, they both knew exactly how the other man felt.
Author's Note: Let's start with the lamp. It actually exists (click here), though I imagine Heath has a version that's actually nice to look at. By the time I wrote this fic I was about to kill a whole flock of blackbirds myself. I'd already started this fic and realised I was writing the wrong pairing and had no idea where it was going anyway. So I researched bird sex toys and just went with the lamp. Writing this I felt like it was so much angst, but rereading it I could hardly see the angst at all. This is the power of stewing. It allows you to just let go of the emotions you feel when writing. You get so wrapped up in your characters, that you forget what is written and what wasn't.
....Four Colly Birds
Title: Broken Wings
Rating: 18
Band: X Japan
Pairing: Heath X Toshi
Written for:
morbidprose
Summary: Heath knows he needs to confess his secret to Toshi, it's just never the right time and when it is the right time his courage fails him. It's not like telling Toshi is going to change anything, maybe it's easier not to tell him at all?
Author's Note: Quick reminder: A colly bird is an old english name for a blackbird.
Heath was sat on the edge of his seat as Toshi admired his new lamp. He prayed Toshi wouldn't find it's secret, so that he didn't have to explain. At the same time he longed for Toshi to figure it out. So that he would have to confess, see where things led. Every since the day Toshi had left X, he had known just how much in love he was. The day Toshi announced he was getting a divorce and had left the cult he had sworn he would tell the truth. Toshi might not love him back, he'd never given a sign he might be into men, but he wanted it out in the open none the less.
Toshi's hand reached for the black bird, so close but would he pull it? His hand froze over the bird, scared to touch. He was puzzling it out, he knew something about the bird wasn't normal and yet he couldn't quite grasp why it was so special.
“Is the bird just for decoration?” Toshi asked. “Or some kind of switch?”
“I'll show you.” Heath replied, relieved that the secret wasn't going to come out, not today. But how long could he break his promise to himself? When would the right moment be? He had kind of hoped it would be today. He had Toshi alone and they were both in a good mood. Why was he hesitating?
“If you pull the bird the light changes colour.” He explained, pulling the bird just enough to release the pressure on the switch inside. The yellow light turned red and a smile of understanding appeared on Toshi's face. His fascination with the light forgotten. Relieved, and feeling cowardly, Heath pushed the bird back into place and sat down beside Toshi. One day he would tell him, but not today.
A few hours later, when Toshi had gone home, he returned to the lamp and pulled the bird. The head of a dildo, hidden in plane sight. If Toshi had just pulled this himself he would have figured it out. That Heath wasn't as straight as he pretended to be. He would have shared everything, but it wasn't to be.
A few days later Heath got another chance to confess to Toshi. Yoshiki was busy with Sugizo and Pata, trying to get the right symmetry on the stage between the guitarists. He was convinced something didn't seem to match about the way they played. Off course they didn't match. Pata and Sugizo were as different as night and day.
“There's going to be tears soon.” Toshi commented. They'd both long given up on trying to understand exactly what was bothering Yoshiki and had sent a roadie for their coffees. Heath took a sip of his and sighed.
“Yeah. Such a drama queen.” he replied rolling his eyes. “I swear he causes more trouble than you did when you left.”
“I'm sorry about that.” Toshi apologised, for the billionth time.
“All forgiven.” Heath reminded him. “The problem is, if you don't understand what's wrong with him, nobody else will.”
“He has this vision of the set.” Toshi replied with a shrug. “I'm not so sure even he has any idea.”
“So,” Heath began. “There's something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”
“Sounds bad?” Toshi guessed.
“I hope not.” Heath replied with a nervous laugh. “I just wanted to say, that is, you're a dear friend to me Toshi.”
“Heath?” Toshi asked confused. “Has it got anything to do with that lamp?”
“The lamp?” Heath repeated.
“With the sex toy hidden inside?” Toshi replied stunning Heath. He knew? Why hadn't he said anything? “Don't look so shocked, I saw something similar online and you were acting so strange.”
“I,” Heath stammered. “That is to say. Yes?”
“Yes?” Toshi repeated. “Just spit it out Heath. You're a dear friend to me too.”
“I'm in love with you.” Heath got out, moments before they were called back on stage. Frustrated he glanced at Toshi who smiled back. The smile was unreadable, but it was supportive. That was something at least.
Rehearsal seemed to continue on forever. Yoshiki finding a mic stand from somewhere and getting Toshi to try performing with that for 'maximum fan-service with Sugizo.' It was the cruellest of tournaments after his confession. Several times Toshi shot him a helpless look but that just got him in trouble with Yoshiki.
“Toshi? Heath? Is there something you're not sharing?” Yoshiki demanded. “You keep looking at each other like a pair of separated love birds.”
“More like blackbirds.” Sugizo joked. “With their jet black hair and black outfits. Perhaps Heath should take my place at this point?”
“Whatever.” Yoshiki agreed with a sigh. Things just weren't going his way today. He perked up when he took notice of the chemistry though. Something about Toshi and Heath today just seemed to gel perfectly. Even from behind he could tell and he ordered them to repeat the actions as he went to stand in front of the stage. Yes this was perfect. Well almost. “Heath, stop looking so reserved. You're acting like you're scared to touch him. But the longing is there. It's hypnotic.”
“Go for it,” Toshi agreed, “I don't bite.”
“I do.” Heath teased and like a light been switched on he was all passion. Leaning back against Toshi as both hands wandering over his chest, creeping tauntingly low. It was almost enough to make him hard but he was too nervous for that still. Laughing he leant around and accepted Toshi's lips against his own. This wasn't fan-service anymore, it was real.
“Anyone would think you guys were in love.” Pata complained. Perhaps jealous that Toshi and Heath had managed to achieve the perfect symmetry, when he and Sugizo had struggled.
“Maybe we are.” Toshi teased. His meaning lost to Heath who didn't want to hope too much, or read more from the comment than was actually there.
“We're going with this.” Yoshiki decided. Not one person in the room could think of any reason not to agree.
Heath had packed up his guitar in record time, relieved to see Toshi waiting for him. So he hadn't scared him off, that was good. He'd been worried the fan-service would be too much, especially after his confession but if anything Toshi had been more into it than he was.
They left together, neither saying a word until they were far out of earshot. Even then it was nothing more than Toshi inviting Heath over to continue their discussion. Heath naturally had agreed and drove behind Toshi's car the whole way. The wait to hear Toshi's response nothing but pure torture.
“First, we all knew you were gay. We've placed bets on when you're going to tell us all.” Toshi explained. “Way back when you joined us in the beginning. I have no idea why you never told us, why you pretend to be straight but you don't need to hide that. Not from us. We're social rebels, why would we care?”
“It just got harder as time passed.” Heath apologised. “I don't know. Nobody ever asked me much about romance in general. Now I know it's because you all knew, but didn't want to let on?”
“We've all kept secrets.” Toshi reassured him. “As for you being in love with me. Is this a gay kind of love?”
“It is.” Heath admitted. “But I'm not going to attack you or anything. I know I had no chance with you. I just, wanted you to know.”
“I'm broken Heath.” Toshi confessed. “Moritani has left me unable to trust women, trust anyone really but I do trust you. I guess I know what you want from me?”
“To sing in X.” Heath confirmed. “That's my only demand. Wait, and to be my friend?”
“And a billion small favours.” Toshi added. “But you have no malicious intentions towards me. So I believe you. You love me but I don't know how to love you back.”
“I could kill her.” Heath snapped. “Her and Masaya too.”
“I wouldn't be a good boyfriend too you.” Toshi warned. “I can't give to you anymore than I'm giving now.”
“I didn't ask you to be my boyfriend.” Heath said with a shrug. He hadn't really thought about what he wanted from Toshi. What did he want?
“I've slept with men before.” Toshi confessed. “They're not my preference but, physically I could be yours?”
“Don't demean yourself like that.” Heath snapped. “For gods sake Toshi! This isn't about sex. You should be cherished. I would worship you if you were mine. Protect you, love you with every fibre of my being.”
“Protect me from myself?” Toshi teased. “I know that's what you're implying. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I want to return your love but I'm scared I no longer know how to.”
“Toshi...” Heath stammered. Toshi had warned him that he was broken, it was only now he was beginning to understand how. How was he supposed to heal Toshi's heart? “I can love you, even if you're broken. Even if you can never return that love. I will love you regardless. So, would you like to go out with me?”
“Sure, I'll be your blackbird.” Toshi agreed.
“I'll heal your broken wings.” Heath promised as he learnt over to give Toshi a kiss.
Toshi couldn't remember the last time he had felt like this. Had he ever been so loved and appreciated? Heath truly meant it when he had promised to help him. Showering him with nothing but love for the whole date. He'd had his reservations before, but they were gone now. It wasn't hard to fall madly in love with the bassist, the love that had been in his heart for years shifting into the more romantic variety.
He adored Heath, at least tonight he did. The bassist treating him to a meal in his favourite restaurant and refusing to accept a single yen from him. Ordinary it would have made him feel like a charity case, but Heath wasn't paying out of pity. He was being seduced, he was aware of it and he couldn't resist the charm.
He had accepted Heath's loaded invite to come back to his house for coffee. Shyly following the bassist into the bedroom, knowing all along this was really what had been asked. Even then, despite his obvious longing, Heath simply sat on the bed offering Toshi a chocolate from a box that had been left in the room.
“You brought the lamp in here.” Toshi commented as he choose his chocolate and lay on the bed besides Heath.
“You made me realise my friends aren't the type to look but not touch.” Heath teased. “Besides, I feel it will be of more use in here.”
“It may be.” Toshi agreed with a smile. It was all the encouragement Heath needed to kiss him. He'd been aroused for almost quarter of an hour now, Toshi hadn't missed that and the bassist had made no attempt to hide it. Heath was desperate for him, it showed in the kiss and in the way he straddled Toshi, their bodies grinding together desperately trying to get pleasure through their clothes. It was in this moment that Toshi realised romance didn't come as naturally to Heath as he had led him to believe. He faked it to get him into bed but Toshi didn't mind. He had always known what Heath wanted from him, that much would never change.
Gently he reached up and began helping Heath out of his clothes, almost as horny himself now thanks to Heath. He smiled as more and more skin was revealed, gently stroking Heath all over. His affections returned when Heath undressed him.
“It's not that big.” Heath warned, confusing Toshi for a moment before he noticed the lamp now shined red. The toy now in Heath's hands. It felt like destiny that this would be used on him and he spread his legs eagerly.
The lubed toy pushed inside him, fitting nicely without preparation. It wasn't that big but in Heath's experienced hands it managed to hit the right spot with every movement. A contented moan escaped his lips as he lay back, parting his legs further to give Heath better access. He'd never felt so relaxed, or so safe.
A finger slid beside the toy, stretching him and making him moan louder. Especially when another finger followed not long after. He'd never felt so full, stretched to his limits, yet somehow no pain was involved at all. He'd never realised just how much his body could take.
“I need you so bad.” Heath whispered into his ear. The toy and fingers pulling out. This was his apology for not being able to continue the foreplay.
“I need you too.” Toshi confessed as their bodies seemed to melt together. Heath filling him felt like he had just found what he was missing. Pulling Heath into his arms they moved together in perfect harmony. Heath, just by being himself, could heal him for they were two halves of one whole.
Catching Heath's lips with his own, Toshi initiated a kiss that quickly grew desperate and forceful. When was the last time Toshi had felt so much passion in the bedroom? When was the last time he'd actually slept with someone who loved him even half as much? Heath adored him, that much was obvious. His friend, no his lover was like an open book. He had his secrets, every man did, but for the most part his intentions were open and honest. He was exactly the kind of person Toshi needed in his life right now.
Riding his orgasm, still buried deep in Toshi, Heath couldn't believe this was actually happening. If he'd know Toshi was into men he would have seduced him straight away. Perhaps though it was better that he'd had time to learn to love him first? Toshi needed to be with someone who genuinely cared and now he had grown to be that man.
Carefully pulling out, Heath wrapped his mouth around Toshi's arousal and began to suck gently. He could be here all night for all he cared, listening to Toshi's soft moans and feeling the strong fingers stroking his hair. He'd had his fair share of failed relationships too, he realised. This wasn't one sided, they would heal together.
When Toshi came, Heath swallowed every drop before lying down beside him. For a moment he wondered what they should talk about, but then out of the blue Toshi made a comment about a song on the radio earlier and they were talking about music, other bands, clothes, any insignificant thing they felt like. The significant words didn't need to be spoken, they both knew exactly how the other man felt.
Author's Note: Let's start with the lamp. It actually exists (click here), though I imagine Heath has a version that's actually nice to look at. By the time I wrote this fic I was about to kill a whole flock of blackbirds myself. I'd already started this fic and realised I was writing the wrong pairing and had no idea where it was going anyway. So I researched bird sex toys and just went with the lamp. Writing this I felt like it was so much angst, but rereading it I could hardly see the angst at all. This is the power of stewing. It allows you to just let go of the emotions you feel when writing. You get so wrapped up in your characters, that you forget what is written and what wasn't.