(no subject)
Title: Pieces
Rating: 18
Bands: Sugizo, Miyavi as well as various others.
Pairing: Sugizo x Miyavi
Summary: What do you do when your life falls apart around you and there is nothing left but broken pieces of what was? How do you rebuild when the pieces left behind no longer create the picture from before? Will the pieces that remain ever become anything of significance? You have to hope that the pieces can become a new whole because otherwise there would be no reason to go on but who said you had to reassemble your life alone?
Previous Chapters
Chapter Ten
Miyavi knew he had over reacted to Sugizo's confession but once again the thought of something bad happening to his children had sent him into a state of panic. He'd said things to Sugizo he now regretted terribly. Of course Sugizo had been sober the entire time they'd been together, he'd been battling his demons so well that Miyavi hadn't even suspected they were there but it all fell into place now, especially Sugizo's unusual child care arrangement where he could only see his daughter when his mother was around. Miyavi had been cruel and judgemental and he feared he had sent Sugizo into a relapse.
It had been Shinji's fault, filling his head with tales of the man Sugizo had been as if that was who he was now and Miyavi hadn't tried to defend Sugizo because Shinji's words had somehow rung true. Some friend he was, he should have defended his friend but instead he'd turned everything into a terrible mess, the only good thing that had come out of last night had been seeing Sugizo naked but the memory was bitter and he couldn't appreciate it.
Miyavi owed Sugizo an apology and the chance to talk calmly about how this might affect things. He didn't want to give up on the other but he had his children to think about as well. What if Sugizo let him down?
“Something is bothering you Mi-chan.” Miyavi mother commented as she sat at the breakfast table beside him looking concerned.
“I'm just ill.” Miyavi lied, his excuse for being off work that day.
“Yes, a sickness of the heart.” his mother concluded and Miyavi sighed, their really were no secrets from his Mother.
“Sugizo and I argued last night.” he admitted. “I found out some things about him I didn't want to know.”
“Secrets have their way out into the open.” the old lady said. “Tell your old Mother what's so terrible that it would ruin your friendship.”
“He's an addict.” Miyavi found himself admitting. “Alcohol and drugs.”
“He takes them now?” she asked.
“He says he's been sober over a year.” Miyavi explained.
“Then he's not an addict.” she replied firmly. “You can't make someone suffer eternally for their past.”
“You think I'm wrong to be upset?” Miyavi asked.
“Not if you truly don't want to be his friend, but you're not that judgemental. You're open and loving and full of forgiveness.” his Mother reminded him.
“But it's not about me, it's about the girls too.” Miyavi worried. “I can't let him hurt them.”
“Then don't leave your girls alone with him. Nobody said he was to be a babysitter.” she scolded and Miyavi sighed, if only he could have been as accepting as his Mother.
The phone rang just two rings before Sugizo picked up warily saying hi and waiting to hear what Miyavi had to say. It broke Miyavi's heart he had hurt the other so badly but he needed to let go of the past, his and Sugizo's, so they could move forward.
“Sugi I'm sorry.” Miyavi apologised. “I should have listened to you and judged you by your present not your past.”
“It was a natural reaction.” Sugizo said sounding tired. Had he been up all night? “Why do you think I tried to keep it secret?”
“Sugi where are you? I need to see you.” Miyavi begged, he knew he sounded desperate but he had to talk to his friend face to face. Had to know things between them were OK and, though he wouldn't admit it, he wanted to make sure Sugizo had kept his sobriety.
“At home.” Sugizo admitted. “But you don't need to come. I get that you feel bad about the way you reacted, I can't blame you so I won't accept your apology. There's nothing to forgive but I don't think we should be friends.”
“Sugi?” Miyavi stammered, had he really blown things this badly. “Why?”
“I'm not the man you deserve. I can't be openly in love with you, I have a dark past that's only going to throw up more dirt the longer you know me, no more addictions by the way, but so much trouble I caused because I had no control. I'm not safe to be around, all the time my resolve to stay sober wavers. I can't be your lover and don't tell me we can be friends because I couldn't stand to be around you knowing you weren't mine.”
“Sugi you idiot.” Miyavi snapped. “You think I'd be calling now begging forgiveness if I wasn't aware that you'd made mistakes? I reacted badly, don't hold that against me.”
“Meev, you're important to me and that's why I have to let you go.” Sugizo confessed.
“Don't be an idiot!” Miyavi snapped angrily down the phone. “You have no say in who's good enough for me!” There was silence and it was then that Miyavi realised Sugizo had hung up, probably hadn't even heard his last words. Well that was too bad, he wasn't going to let Sugizo go, not this easily.
Miyavi waited only long enough for Sugizo to unlock the door to his apartment before flinging it open and slamming it shut behind him still angry from the phone call. If Sugizo hadn't accepted his apology, if Sugizo had told him he didn't care, if Sugizo had sounded anything but sober things would have been different but that wasn't reality. Sugizo had accepted his reaction and forgiven him because Sugizo cared about him, this Miyavi now knew for sure. Only someone in love could be this stupid.
“You think I'm fucking ready to come out?” Miyavi snapped angrily. “You think I don't come with my own secrets? My own mistakes? Melody was sixteen when I got her pregnant, I was six years older than her and should have known better. I led her on, married her and if she hadn't died would have broken her heart into a thousand shreds. So don't you dare be thinking I'm better than you!”
“Meev...” Sugizo tried to interject but Miyavi was too angry to listen.
“I'm messed up, broken inside, I don't even know if I can be a decent boyfriend but hell I want to try!” Miyavi vented. “Call it an experiment, call it a bit of fun, whatever, but unless you can tell me you don't want me, that you don't like me, then I'm here to stay.”
“Off course I want you.” Sugizo admitted somewhat stunned by Miyavi's outburst.
“Then let me in, tell me your secrets.” Miyavi begged. “Stop trying to push me away.”
“They might hurt you.” Sugizo warned.
“Not as much as not having you.” Miyavi replied stubbornly and for a second his anger was gone and he was left vulnerable and exposed, far more so than when Sugizo had stripped before him and begged him to find just one sign that he'd been taking drugs.
“I could lose Luna, if we get found out.” Sugizo complained.
“We won't be found out.” Miyavi promised and seeming to accept that promise Sugizo wrapped his arms protectively around Miyavi.
“I can't promise my love.” He warned. “I can't give you my heart and soul but we can try to be together, you and me. If you will accept the twisted mess that I am.”
“We can help repair each other.” Miyavi suggested and Sugizo nodded placing his lips over Miyavi's briefly, more than a touch but not really a kiss either.
“Does it bother you my naked ass is on the internet for all to see?” Sugizo asked as he simply held onto Miyavi too emotionally drained to do anything else. For the first time since Miyavi had met Sugizo he was seeing the real man beneathwho Sugizo presented himself as. Sugizo wasn't together, he wasn't cool and confident, he was weak and could easily make mistakes and so very sensitive that Miyavi, despite being younger, knew he was going to have to take control, at least emotionally. He couldn't lose his cool with Sugizo again, he needed to be patient and understanding and strangely that also involved letting go. He didn't have to be a strong man for Sugizo, he didn't have to be fearless or confident, he just had to listen and try his best to understand.
“It's OK, the world hasn't seen your scars.” Miyavi replied referring to more than just the ones on Sugizo's arms. “Also the world doesn't get to grope it.” he added wickedly placing his hands on Sugizo's ass giving the cheeks a gentle squeeze.
“That's all you wanted, a chance to feel me up.” Sugizo teased and Miyavi gave his most evil of smiles.
“Off course.” he answered laughing as Sugizo slapped him lightly on his own ass.
“Do you want something to eat?” Sugizo asked out of the blue. “I'm starving. I haven't ate all day.”
“Is that sexual?” Miyavi teased.
“No literally I'm starving.” Sugizo announced. “Which means breakfast date.”
“It's half eleven.” Miyavi replied feeling his stomach react to the concept of food, he'd only had a little bit of toast for breakfast and now he realised he was hungry. “It'll be lunch by the time you cook anything.”
“Breakfast is the beginning.” Sugizo retorted. “And pretty much the only food I have in is eggs.”
“Eggs then.” Miyavi agreed following Sugizo into the kitchen watching him prepare the quick meal. If this was their second date it was a lot more relaxed than the first. Sugizo wasn't putting a lot of time and effort into the food, he was only wearing loose fitting jeans and a faded band t-shirt and the kitchen wasn't tidy but Miyavi found this a lot more honest and easy. They'd pulled away the veil of pretence and that had hurt but now he felt like they were finally starting to really get to know each other.
Miyavi hadn't been in Sugizo's kitchen long before so he took this opportunity to take in some of the luxury this room contained, every appliance was brand name, the odd product on display appeared to be a luxury label and everything look pristine and new. Sugizo might be into self denial but it certainly didn't cross over to this room.
“Oh I have something for you.” Sugizo remembered pulling some papers out of a drawer. He seemed nervous as he handed it over, worried to how Miyavi would react. Picking up on Sugizo's mood Miyavi nervously took in what he was seeing relieved, and then pleased as he realised these were details for various houses and apartments in the local area.
“You went and got these for me?” Miyavi asked.
“I'm sorry if I crossed a line.” Sugizo apologised but he obviously hadn't as Miyavi gave him hug and began studying the brochures with genuine enthusiasm. They weren't all what he liked but at least two stood out as the perfect home.
“When did you find the time to get these?” Miyavi asked.
“One afternoon last week.” Sugizo replied. “It didn't take long, I’d found the properties online and just went in the branches to get the ones I needed.”
“Well thank you.” Miyavi replied clearly touched by Sugizo doing him a favour without being asked. It was rare that anyone was that thoughtful when it came to him.
“Breakfast is served.” Sugizo announced and Miyavi smiled as he accepted the eggs realising that he was going to have to be careful never to argue with Sugizo again, how would he cope without the other in his life?
Hungrily he dug in complimenting Sugizo as he ate the meal and making idle observations over the properties and just feeling happy to be here with his closest friend, no longer so many secrets between them. Once they had finished Sugizo cleared up and turned to Miyavi with a confident smile, something about his mood had changed but Miyavi couldn't quite catch what it was.
“Can I show you my bedroom?” Sugizo asked. “I feel I have some things to finish with you that would be best done there.”
“Well you did cook me breakfast.” Miyavi replied with a shy smile as he took Sugizo's hand and allowed the other to lead him out of the kitchen. So today was going to be the day he learned for sure if he could love a man in an intimate way, it was only a couple of decades too late!
Rating: 18
Bands: Sugizo, Miyavi as well as various others.
Pairing: Sugizo x Miyavi
Summary: What do you do when your life falls apart around you and there is nothing left but broken pieces of what was? How do you rebuild when the pieces left behind no longer create the picture from before? Will the pieces that remain ever become anything of significance? You have to hope that the pieces can become a new whole because otherwise there would be no reason to go on but who said you had to reassemble your life alone?
Previous Chapters
Chapter Ten
Miyavi knew he had over reacted to Sugizo's confession but once again the thought of something bad happening to his children had sent him into a state of panic. He'd said things to Sugizo he now regretted terribly. Of course Sugizo had been sober the entire time they'd been together, he'd been battling his demons so well that Miyavi hadn't even suspected they were there but it all fell into place now, especially Sugizo's unusual child care arrangement where he could only see his daughter when his mother was around. Miyavi had been cruel and judgemental and he feared he had sent Sugizo into a relapse.
It had been Shinji's fault, filling his head with tales of the man Sugizo had been as if that was who he was now and Miyavi hadn't tried to defend Sugizo because Shinji's words had somehow rung true. Some friend he was, he should have defended his friend but instead he'd turned everything into a terrible mess, the only good thing that had come out of last night had been seeing Sugizo naked but the memory was bitter and he couldn't appreciate it.
Miyavi owed Sugizo an apology and the chance to talk calmly about how this might affect things. He didn't want to give up on the other but he had his children to think about as well. What if Sugizo let him down?
“Something is bothering you Mi-chan.” Miyavi mother commented as she sat at the breakfast table beside him looking concerned.
“I'm just ill.” Miyavi lied, his excuse for being off work that day.
“Yes, a sickness of the heart.” his mother concluded and Miyavi sighed, their really were no secrets from his Mother.
“Sugizo and I argued last night.” he admitted. “I found out some things about him I didn't want to know.”
“Secrets have their way out into the open.” the old lady said. “Tell your old Mother what's so terrible that it would ruin your friendship.”
“He's an addict.” Miyavi found himself admitting. “Alcohol and drugs.”
“He takes them now?” she asked.
“He says he's been sober over a year.” Miyavi explained.
“Then he's not an addict.” she replied firmly. “You can't make someone suffer eternally for their past.”
“You think I'm wrong to be upset?” Miyavi asked.
“Not if you truly don't want to be his friend, but you're not that judgemental. You're open and loving and full of forgiveness.” his Mother reminded him.
“But it's not about me, it's about the girls too.” Miyavi worried. “I can't let him hurt them.”
“Then don't leave your girls alone with him. Nobody said he was to be a babysitter.” she scolded and Miyavi sighed, if only he could have been as accepting as his Mother.
The phone rang just two rings before Sugizo picked up warily saying hi and waiting to hear what Miyavi had to say. It broke Miyavi's heart he had hurt the other so badly but he needed to let go of the past, his and Sugizo's, so they could move forward.
“Sugi I'm sorry.” Miyavi apologised. “I should have listened to you and judged you by your present not your past.”
“It was a natural reaction.” Sugizo said sounding tired. Had he been up all night? “Why do you think I tried to keep it secret?”
“Sugi where are you? I need to see you.” Miyavi begged, he knew he sounded desperate but he had to talk to his friend face to face. Had to know things between them were OK and, though he wouldn't admit it, he wanted to make sure Sugizo had kept his sobriety.
“At home.” Sugizo admitted. “But you don't need to come. I get that you feel bad about the way you reacted, I can't blame you so I won't accept your apology. There's nothing to forgive but I don't think we should be friends.”
“Sugi?” Miyavi stammered, had he really blown things this badly. “Why?”
“I'm not the man you deserve. I can't be openly in love with you, I have a dark past that's only going to throw up more dirt the longer you know me, no more addictions by the way, but so much trouble I caused because I had no control. I'm not safe to be around, all the time my resolve to stay sober wavers. I can't be your lover and don't tell me we can be friends because I couldn't stand to be around you knowing you weren't mine.”
“Sugi you idiot.” Miyavi snapped. “You think I'd be calling now begging forgiveness if I wasn't aware that you'd made mistakes? I reacted badly, don't hold that against me.”
“Meev, you're important to me and that's why I have to let you go.” Sugizo confessed.
“Don't be an idiot!” Miyavi snapped angrily down the phone. “You have no say in who's good enough for me!” There was silence and it was then that Miyavi realised Sugizo had hung up, probably hadn't even heard his last words. Well that was too bad, he wasn't going to let Sugizo go, not this easily.
Miyavi waited only long enough for Sugizo to unlock the door to his apartment before flinging it open and slamming it shut behind him still angry from the phone call. If Sugizo hadn't accepted his apology, if Sugizo had told him he didn't care, if Sugizo had sounded anything but sober things would have been different but that wasn't reality. Sugizo had accepted his reaction and forgiven him because Sugizo cared about him, this Miyavi now knew for sure. Only someone in love could be this stupid.
“You think I'm fucking ready to come out?” Miyavi snapped angrily. “You think I don't come with my own secrets? My own mistakes? Melody was sixteen when I got her pregnant, I was six years older than her and should have known better. I led her on, married her and if she hadn't died would have broken her heart into a thousand shreds. So don't you dare be thinking I'm better than you!”
“Meev...” Sugizo tried to interject but Miyavi was too angry to listen.
“I'm messed up, broken inside, I don't even know if I can be a decent boyfriend but hell I want to try!” Miyavi vented. “Call it an experiment, call it a bit of fun, whatever, but unless you can tell me you don't want me, that you don't like me, then I'm here to stay.”
“Off course I want you.” Sugizo admitted somewhat stunned by Miyavi's outburst.
“Then let me in, tell me your secrets.” Miyavi begged. “Stop trying to push me away.”
“They might hurt you.” Sugizo warned.
“Not as much as not having you.” Miyavi replied stubbornly and for a second his anger was gone and he was left vulnerable and exposed, far more so than when Sugizo had stripped before him and begged him to find just one sign that he'd been taking drugs.
“I could lose Luna, if we get found out.” Sugizo complained.
“We won't be found out.” Miyavi promised and seeming to accept that promise Sugizo wrapped his arms protectively around Miyavi.
“I can't promise my love.” He warned. “I can't give you my heart and soul but we can try to be together, you and me. If you will accept the twisted mess that I am.”
“We can help repair each other.” Miyavi suggested and Sugizo nodded placing his lips over Miyavi's briefly, more than a touch but not really a kiss either.
“Does it bother you my naked ass is on the internet for all to see?” Sugizo asked as he simply held onto Miyavi too emotionally drained to do anything else. For the first time since Miyavi had met Sugizo he was seeing the real man beneathwho Sugizo presented himself as. Sugizo wasn't together, he wasn't cool and confident, he was weak and could easily make mistakes and so very sensitive that Miyavi, despite being younger, knew he was going to have to take control, at least emotionally. He couldn't lose his cool with Sugizo again, he needed to be patient and understanding and strangely that also involved letting go. He didn't have to be a strong man for Sugizo, he didn't have to be fearless or confident, he just had to listen and try his best to understand.
“It's OK, the world hasn't seen your scars.” Miyavi replied referring to more than just the ones on Sugizo's arms. “Also the world doesn't get to grope it.” he added wickedly placing his hands on Sugizo's ass giving the cheeks a gentle squeeze.
“That's all you wanted, a chance to feel me up.” Sugizo teased and Miyavi gave his most evil of smiles.
“Off course.” he answered laughing as Sugizo slapped him lightly on his own ass.
“Do you want something to eat?” Sugizo asked out of the blue. “I'm starving. I haven't ate all day.”
“Is that sexual?” Miyavi teased.
“No literally I'm starving.” Sugizo announced. “Which means breakfast date.”
“It's half eleven.” Miyavi replied feeling his stomach react to the concept of food, he'd only had a little bit of toast for breakfast and now he realised he was hungry. “It'll be lunch by the time you cook anything.”
“Breakfast is the beginning.” Sugizo retorted. “And pretty much the only food I have in is eggs.”
“Eggs then.” Miyavi agreed following Sugizo into the kitchen watching him prepare the quick meal. If this was their second date it was a lot more relaxed than the first. Sugizo wasn't putting a lot of time and effort into the food, he was only wearing loose fitting jeans and a faded band t-shirt and the kitchen wasn't tidy but Miyavi found this a lot more honest and easy. They'd pulled away the veil of pretence and that had hurt but now he felt like they were finally starting to really get to know each other.
Miyavi hadn't been in Sugizo's kitchen long before so he took this opportunity to take in some of the luxury this room contained, every appliance was brand name, the odd product on display appeared to be a luxury label and everything look pristine and new. Sugizo might be into self denial but it certainly didn't cross over to this room.
“Oh I have something for you.” Sugizo remembered pulling some papers out of a drawer. He seemed nervous as he handed it over, worried to how Miyavi would react. Picking up on Sugizo's mood Miyavi nervously took in what he was seeing relieved, and then pleased as he realised these were details for various houses and apartments in the local area.
“You went and got these for me?” Miyavi asked.
“I'm sorry if I crossed a line.” Sugizo apologised but he obviously hadn't as Miyavi gave him hug and began studying the brochures with genuine enthusiasm. They weren't all what he liked but at least two stood out as the perfect home.
“When did you find the time to get these?” Miyavi asked.
“One afternoon last week.” Sugizo replied. “It didn't take long, I’d found the properties online and just went in the branches to get the ones I needed.”
“Well thank you.” Miyavi replied clearly touched by Sugizo doing him a favour without being asked. It was rare that anyone was that thoughtful when it came to him.
“Breakfast is served.” Sugizo announced and Miyavi smiled as he accepted the eggs realising that he was going to have to be careful never to argue with Sugizo again, how would he cope without the other in his life?
Hungrily he dug in complimenting Sugizo as he ate the meal and making idle observations over the properties and just feeling happy to be here with his closest friend, no longer so many secrets between them. Once they had finished Sugizo cleared up and turned to Miyavi with a confident smile, something about his mood had changed but Miyavi couldn't quite catch what it was.
“Can I show you my bedroom?” Sugizo asked. “I feel I have some things to finish with you that would be best done there.”
“Well you did cook me breakfast.” Miyavi replied with a shy smile as he took Sugizo's hand and allowed the other to lead him out of the kitchen. So today was going to be the day he learned for sure if he could love a man in an intimate way, it was only a couple of decades too late!