only on occasions...
I've noticed that I haven't been updating my journal. Why is that? Maybe because i've been a little happy? NO! Well I have been happy sometimes, mostly when I'm with my friends, but other than that i've been horrible. I don't understand what's wrong with me anymore. I can't take living anymore. Maybe I can't take living HERE anymore, I just don't know. I'm not happy, i've lost my motive for living. Before I knew what I wanted to do with my life, but now it's all a blur. I'm so confused in this world. I feel so little in such a vast amount of space. I'm so fake. I pretend to be someone i'm not. I'm tired of that. I want to be me. I want to think for myself. What's keeping me from doing this? ME! I am. Who else would it be? I don't understand why I don't let people in. I tell them only a section of my life. Some people deserve to know all about me, and they want to know, but do I tell them? NO! I let the wrong people in. Maybe people don't deserve to know the real me, but me bieng the naive fuck I am I tell them. I'm an idiot, i'm exactly like everyone else. I try to be different I try to be myself, but in reality I'm not. I'm the same. It's pathetic.
I hate my family...Let me correct myself, I hate my mother. I can't stand anything about her. She's unbearable. She makes the worst excuses to not let me go out. She expects me to give up my summer to help out my sister, and I was going to do it, BUT she didn't let me go out THE LAST WEEKEND i'm home. So screw her and HER insecurites, i'm not going to HOUSTON! i'm staying...well I don't know, but i'm sure my friends would open their houses for me. I don't understand her sometimes. She expects so much from me, yet she doesn't expect that i'd want anything in return.
I'm gradutating 91 out of 495. I was disappointed in myself, and then she calls just to see what was my rank and makes me feel even worse. If she only half the shit I did to get that place. It's not my fault that they rank us all the same. It's completly unfair that people that take regular classes are ranked higher than me, that has only taken 2 regular classes MY WHOLE HIGH SCHOOL CAREER. Yeah colleges look at what classes you take and it shouldn't matter what i'm ranked, but still it matters to me. My sister graduated 28 and the other 50 and of course my mother compared me to them. Is it my fault i'm not motived to do better? I told her I wasn't interested in persuing my education, she practically went off on me. It's the truth. I'm tired of them not knowing the real me. They know I don't believe in god, but I don't think they have accepted it. I'm not like my sisters, or maybe I am and I just don't know it. Let me find out who I am first then i'll compare myself to everyone else and actually let people in.
My friends...my friends are my world. I don't know what i'll do without them. Schools been a home away from hell. I go to school and there I can be myself. I don't have to try to please people because they will accept me for who I am. I love the point that they aren't judgemental and critize everything about me. What am I going to do without Sofie.
I've thought about it, but it hasn't hit me. It hasn't hit me that she's not going to be there everyday. I'm not gonna be able to call her whenever I want. She's going to have her life and i'm going to have mine. That's crazy. I've relied on her for so long, i've known her for even longer. She's there. She's there for me when I need her and even when I don't. I can't say bye to her. It would be too hard. It would hurt me like a thousand deaths. What if we lose touch? What if she finds someone else to call a bestfriend? What then? I hate thinking...
I'm scared of losing the people that I have grown so attached to. We are always there for eachother and now it's over. That's scary.
I hope I don't lose touch with anyone i've ever called a friend.
Copyright © 2005 MaWeeN sHiT
I hate my family...Let me correct myself, I hate my mother. I can't stand anything about her. She's unbearable. She makes the worst excuses to not let me go out. She expects me to give up my summer to help out my sister, and I was going to do it, BUT she didn't let me go out THE LAST WEEKEND i'm home. So screw her and HER insecurites, i'm not going to HOUSTON! i'm staying...well I don't know, but i'm sure my friends would open their houses for me. I don't understand her sometimes. She expects so much from me, yet she doesn't expect that i'd want anything in return.
I'm gradutating 91 out of 495. I was disappointed in myself, and then she calls just to see what was my rank and makes me feel even worse. If she only half the shit I did to get that place. It's not my fault that they rank us all the same. It's completly unfair that people that take regular classes are ranked higher than me, that has only taken 2 regular classes MY WHOLE HIGH SCHOOL CAREER. Yeah colleges look at what classes you take and it shouldn't matter what i'm ranked, but still it matters to me. My sister graduated 28 and the other 50 and of course my mother compared me to them. Is it my fault i'm not motived to do better? I told her I wasn't interested in persuing my education, she practically went off on me. It's the truth. I'm tired of them not knowing the real me. They know I don't believe in god, but I don't think they have accepted it. I'm not like my sisters, or maybe I am and I just don't know it. Let me find out who I am first then i'll compare myself to everyone else and actually let people in.
My friends...my friends are my world. I don't know what i'll do without them. Schools been a home away from hell. I go to school and there I can be myself. I don't have to try to please people because they will accept me for who I am. I love the point that they aren't judgemental and critize everything about me. What am I going to do without Sofie.
I've thought about it, but it hasn't hit me. It hasn't hit me that she's not going to be there everyday. I'm not gonna be able to call her whenever I want. She's going to have her life and i'm going to have mine. That's crazy. I've relied on her for so long, i've known her for even longer. She's there. She's there for me when I need her and even when I don't. I can't say bye to her. It would be too hard. It would hurt me like a thousand deaths. What if we lose touch? What if she finds someone else to call a bestfriend? What then? I hate thinking...
I'm scared of losing the people that I have grown so attached to. We are always there for eachother and now it's over. That's scary.
I hope I don't lose touch with anyone i've ever called a friend.
Copyright © 2005 MaWeeN sHiT