Post-Holiday Blues maybe?
A lot has happened since last I wrote, but I really don't want to get into all of it right now. I almost didn't want to write... again. Everytime I think about updating, I find some excuse not to. Right now that would be that it's 6:04 AM, I haven't slept, I'm trying to quit smoking and it's wreaking havoc on my nerves, and I have an overall sense of dread about writing in my journal lately, for reasons I can't even begin to explain. I was just keeping myself posted on what everyone else was up to, and somehow I stumbled into some stuff, and I found this cute little rainbow penguin, who was sad, and that just seemed so me right now. Not to mention it'll be apart of me forever soon. Not this particular penguin, but my older brother sent me the money for another tattoo for Christmas, and after much deliberating, I decided the next one should not be the equality symbol on the back of my neck, or my cat's name and paw prints on my back... but a penguin on my leg. :) It seemed appropriate since it's a "Christmas present" and penguins are kinda Christmas-y. That's the only details I'm giving about Christmas and such at the moment. I'm feeling reserved about talking right now, mainly because I just feel really used these days. By everyone. Really, what is my purpose? If it's a "stepping stone" or "punching bag" or "hollaback gurl" or whatever, I guess I could care less, I just wish someone would let me know, so I can just accept it as my fate and get on with life already. It's the constant wondering and the lying behind my back that has me all-too-confused. Rather depressed, like a sad, gay, penguin. I remember an episode of Ellen where Audrey states "There's nothing sadder than a sad lesbian; except for a sad, lesbian clown." I agree on all but one account. There's nothing sadder than a sad, lesbian penguin. Speaking of Audrey's... I think she's the reason for this, but I'm still trying to explore that further. After talking with her, and going over to her apartment, and then now NOTHING, I'm just wondering why the fuck she even started talking to me again in the first place? I guess I could ask a lot of people that same question... or maybe it's just the name? But, it's a long story and I really didn't intend to even write this much- I just wanted my little gay penguin on here, and figured I should probably write at least something if I'm going to put a pic up. Well, my laptop should be arriving soon, so I probably will write again when I get it- hopefully that's before DisneyWorld (I'll still make it for GayDay eventually, but for now this is good, I'm not complaining!)... then again, I talk to no one, and I don't write much anymore, so I guess no one will have a single fucking clue what I'm talking about... damn, that laptop better get here soon, I have a lot of catching up to do... if not for anyone else's reading amusement, at least for an entry to be nostalgic about years from now. Hmmm- I think it's time I go to bed. I've been sick for about a week, and finally started feeling a bit better, then I go and pull an all-nighter playing my damn video game... pathetic... I'm gonna relapse here if I don't do something. Bad Cola, go to your room!! Guess I'll go curl up and finish my lame-ass lesbian romance novel... only 2 chapters left, and these bitches are crazy. But at least they're having hot, wild, monkey sex. :) Write later... sleep now. Maybe sleep will put me in a better mood and I'll actually write a real entry later. Maybe use the other pics I found. :D He he he, ha ha ha, so much fun, woo hoo hoo... I am so sad.