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So... I'm going on a date tonight!
The thing is... I haven't been on a date in over a decade - yeah, I know I'm old - I'm gonna be 40 next month, and besides crushes that worked themselves out to be nothing more than that, I've only had 2 serious, long-term relationships my entire life. One of the guys I'm still friends with (and wish nothing but happiness for he, his wife, and 3 kids), and the other I married after dating on-and-off for 10 years, and then separated after 3 (and am always open to new ideas for ways to legally maim, torture and generally inflict pain on him), but even that ended almost 8 years ago.
I'm over my ex, no question - the fresh desire to see the flesh melt from his bones in the fiery pits of Hell comes from his complete lack of acknowledgment, interest, and care over the recent death of our MY son - so I know I'm open to something/someone new, but it's been sooooo long that I'm more than rusty... I mean, I had pretty much just "known" what the rest my life was going to be like up until 2 months ago, and now, part of me feels like I'm in high school again. The rest of me is floating between feeling too old (and unattractive) to be "date worthy", and terrified I'm gonna screw something up.
What makes it even *inserts just about every emotion under the sun* is that I'm going out with one of my best friends (that I've known since high school), so yeah, that's where the scared-to-screw-it-up part comes in... There's this kind of nervous tickle and a relaxed comfort running through my head (and my heart *rolls eyes and blushes, damn it!*) simultaneously that makes it both exciting and a tiny bit weird - Oh, and btw, my best friend that I'm going out with... Is a girl!!! Yep, when I decide to make a come back, I apparently do it no holds barred... ;) I've known I'm Bi for a few years, but I've never really "practiced" it, you know, at least not the whole shebang. There's been tons of flirting, kissing, and a little bit of naughtiness already - both now and years ago when we explored this side of ourselves for a different reason - so we're not flying blind, but dating... Really...???
Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing, but like I said, up until lately I was resolved to the idea that this particular part of my life was over and done. For the last 10 years (after my husband and I split) my life was my son. It wasn't just what I did everyday, but who I was, or who I became, and it was easy to ignore the feeling that something was "missing" because I would have happily lived the rest of my life solely as Randy's mom... But now, every thing that I thought I knew has flipped on it's ass, it's shaken me up, and made me feel more like my old self again. I would give anything for there to have been a different way to have gotten here (other than losing Ran), but I'm going to follow the mantras I always tried to instill in him - never give up, try your best, and believe that you can do anything your heart desires - and on that note... I guess I just can't wait to see how it all turns out!!! :D
Now I'm off to go hunt for clothes to wear tonight in total girly-panic I don't have any-fuckin'-thing to wear mode... Wish me luck!!! :)
♥ Angie
I'm over my ex, no question - the fresh desire to see the flesh melt from his bones in the fiery pits of Hell comes from his complete lack of acknowledgment, interest, and care over the recent death of our MY son - so I know I'm open to something/someone new, but it's been sooooo long that I'm more than rusty... I mean, I had pretty much just "known" what the rest my life was going to be like up until 2 months ago, and now, part of me feels like I'm in high school again. The rest of me is floating between feeling too old (and unattractive) to be "date worthy", and terrified I'm gonna screw something up.
What makes it even *inserts just about every emotion under the sun* is that I'm going out with one of my best friends (that I've known since high school), so yeah, that's where the scared-to-screw-it-up part comes in... There's this kind of nervous tickle and a relaxed comfort running through my head (and my heart *rolls eyes and blushes, damn it!*) simultaneously that makes it both exciting and a tiny bit weird - Oh, and btw, my best friend that I'm going out with... Is a girl!!! Yep, when I decide to make a come back, I apparently do it no holds barred... ;) I've known I'm Bi for a few years, but I've never really "practiced" it, you know, at least not the whole shebang. There's been tons of flirting, kissing, and a little bit of naughtiness already - both now and years ago when we explored this side of ourselves for a different reason - so we're not flying blind, but dating... Really...???
Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing, but like I said, up until lately I was resolved to the idea that this particular part of my life was over and done. For the last 10 years (after my husband and I split) my life was my son. It wasn't just what I did everyday, but who I was, or who I became, and it was easy to ignore the feeling that something was "missing" because I would have happily lived the rest of my life solely as Randy's mom... But now, every thing that I thought I knew has flipped on it's ass, it's shaken me up, and made me feel more like my old self again. I would give anything for there to have been a different way to have gotten here (other than losing Ran), but I'm going to follow the mantras I always tried to instill in him - never give up, try your best, and believe that you can do anything your heart desires - and on that note... I guess I just can't wait to see how it all turns out!!! :D
Now I'm off to go hunt for clothes to wear tonight in total girly-panic I don't have any-fuckin'-thing to wear mode... Wish me luck!!! :)
♥ Angie