[Fic] Dysfunctional
New fic for ya'll to enjoy. I figured it's about time I actually posted some. XD
Title: Dysfunctional
Word Count: 958
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Pairing: Ace x Sanji
Disclaimer: I sometimes wish they were mine, but they're not...
Summary: [Post-Alabasta] It's the middle of the night, and Chopper's awake. And not by choice.
____________________________________________
Thunk. “Sonova…”
A tiny blue nose twitched in the darkness as Chopper stirred, the strange noises assaulting his delicate hearing drawing him from his sleep. He wondered groggily what was going on, if Sanji had caught Luffy starting on another of his midnight kitchen raids, or if he’d stumped his toe on the way to the bathroom, or if Zoro had kicked him on his way in after watch again… Mhm. Not particularly caring as long as nobody was spouting blood, the little reindeer pulled his blanket up over his head and tried to drift back off.
“…clumsy idiot…”
“…didn’t mean to…”
“*Shhh!*” Crash. “Fuuuuuuck...”
“...You’re not being very quiet.”
“Well, you’re not helping matters either, bastard!”
Another series of stumbling noises, a few more muffled curses, and one increasingly confused and annoyed doctor later, a soft glow flickered to life somewhere close. Resigning himself to curiosity, Chopper tugged the blanket down just beneath his nose to blink sleepily at the noisemakers.
Ace grinned sheepishly from behind the flame he’d set dancing over one fingertip, like some sort of Devil’s Fruit-powered candle. “Sorry to disturb you, Chopper, but we have need of your assistance.”
Crouched just to his side sat a rather disheveled blonde, glaring daggers, knives, and various other painfully pointy objects in Ace’s direction. Hands cradled protectively against his stomach, Sanji hissed. “‘We’? Right now it’s only ‘I,’ unless you’re counting the point after I’ve thoroughly kicked your ass for being such an idiotic fucktard.”
Sanji’s defensive posture immediately set off warning bells to Chopper’s medical instincts, and the reindeer sat up and reached for his crewmate. “Hey, Sanji… what’s wrong with your hands?”
“It’s all his fault…”
“Hey now, that’s not entirely true-”
“Let me see your hands, Sanji.” The authority in Chopper’s voice demanded no less than immediate compliance, and the blonde reluctantly offered them to the doctor to inspect. The rough, calloused skin of Sanji’s palm had a faint cherry tinge to it even in the cheerful yellow light of Ace’s fire, and taking a cautious sniff, Chopper detected a faint whiff of scorched flesh, even over… other things.
“It really isn’t so bad, Sanji. I should know.”
“This from the one who bursts into flame on a regular basis. I haven’t burnt my hands since I was an *apprentice*, you inconsiderate fool. My hands... dammit, Ace.”
They continued to bicker softly back and forth even as Chopper leaned precariously over the arm of the couch to grab his knapsack, his little tail flickering in concentration, and pulled it up next to him. Digging out the burn cream and other supplies, he wisely decided not to point out the obvious concern coloring Ace’s voice, or the familiar way the blonde rested an elbow against Ace’s thigh to steady himself for his doctor’s ministrations, or even question how Sanji had gotten the burns in the first place, though his sense of smell offered a pretty accurate picture. Examining the pads of his crewmate’s hands, the reindeer nodded to himself. Yup, some things were better left unmentioned.
“Now Sanji,” the young physician whispered in his tinny voice as he swabbed a little antiseptic over the skin and gingerly applied an aloe cream, “it’s really not as bad as you think. Your skin is pretty thick here, so I wouldn’t even classify these burns as first degree. I don’t even need to wrap them up... just keep applying this cream, and they’ll be as good as new in a day or so.” Taking a deep breath and putting on his most professional face, Chopper gave both of them a Look. “And as your primary care physician, Sanji, I think it would be a good idea of all three of us sat down and had an honest discussion. If Ace’s condition causes sexually dysfunctional side effects, we’re going to need to-”
“Wait. Just a *minute*. I am *not* sexually dysfunctional-”
“So the fact that your dick about burst into flames in my hands is *normal*?!”
A grouchy, sleep-roughened voice suddenly burst into the conversation from beyond the faint glow of Ace’s light. “Ladies, as much as we all want to hear about the shit-cook’s fucked-up sex life, some of us are trying to sleep. So can it or take it elsewhere before I come down there with my swords and make you.”
“Ace, can you really set your dick on fire? That’s so cool!” Luffy’s drowsy giggles erupted from the darkness. “I wanna seeeeee... I’ll show you what I can do with mine!”
Dead silence. “…You’re all a bunch of goddamn *freaks*.”
“This coming from the guy who’s so flexible he can suck himself off.”
Sanji dove from the circle of light, simultaneously cursing and yelping as things started crashing around him in the dark and his feet somehow managed to connect with the swordsman. Luffy’s uproarious laughter followed soon after, joined by Chopper’s screeched warnings for Sanji not to hurt himself again; one of Zoro’s boots flew through the air to peg Ace in the head, breaking his concentration and sending him back onto his ass with a yelp, and finally plunged the bunkroom into pitch-black chaos. Then the door to the girls’ room flew open with a squeal of hinges and Nami’s enraged voice… and the little reindeer grabbed his blanket and dove behind the couch.
Maybe I should work on my physician/patient rapport, Chopper moaned to himself as he pulled the worn wool back over his head. Or some sort of increased sensitivity training. This isn’t the result I was looking for when I suggested we talk!
At the rate things were going, he’d end up with more problems than they’d started with. And there was bound to be somebody spouting blood now.
…Dammit.
Title: Dysfunctional
Word Count: 958
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Pairing: Ace x Sanji
Disclaimer: I sometimes wish they were mine, but they're not...
Summary: [Post-Alabasta] It's the middle of the night, and Chopper's awake. And not by choice.
____________________________________________
Thunk. “Sonova…”
A tiny blue nose twitched in the darkness as Chopper stirred, the strange noises assaulting his delicate hearing drawing him from his sleep. He wondered groggily what was going on, if Sanji had caught Luffy starting on another of his midnight kitchen raids, or if he’d stumped his toe on the way to the bathroom, or if Zoro had kicked him on his way in after watch again… Mhm. Not particularly caring as long as nobody was spouting blood, the little reindeer pulled his blanket up over his head and tried to drift back off.
“…clumsy idiot…”
“…didn’t mean to…”
“*Shhh!*” Crash. “Fuuuuuuck...”
“...You’re not being very quiet.”
“Well, you’re not helping matters either, bastard!”
Another series of stumbling noises, a few more muffled curses, and one increasingly confused and annoyed doctor later, a soft glow flickered to life somewhere close. Resigning himself to curiosity, Chopper tugged the blanket down just beneath his nose to blink sleepily at the noisemakers.
Ace grinned sheepishly from behind the flame he’d set dancing over one fingertip, like some sort of Devil’s Fruit-powered candle. “Sorry to disturb you, Chopper, but we have need of your assistance.”
Crouched just to his side sat a rather disheveled blonde, glaring daggers, knives, and various other painfully pointy objects in Ace’s direction. Hands cradled protectively against his stomach, Sanji hissed. “‘We’? Right now it’s only ‘I,’ unless you’re counting the point after I’ve thoroughly kicked your ass for being such an idiotic fucktard.”
Sanji’s defensive posture immediately set off warning bells to Chopper’s medical instincts, and the reindeer sat up and reached for his crewmate. “Hey, Sanji… what’s wrong with your hands?”
“It’s all his fault…”
“Hey now, that’s not entirely true-”
“Let me see your hands, Sanji.” The authority in Chopper’s voice demanded no less than immediate compliance, and the blonde reluctantly offered them to the doctor to inspect. The rough, calloused skin of Sanji’s palm had a faint cherry tinge to it even in the cheerful yellow light of Ace’s fire, and taking a cautious sniff, Chopper detected a faint whiff of scorched flesh, even over… other things.
“It really isn’t so bad, Sanji. I should know.”
“This from the one who bursts into flame on a regular basis. I haven’t burnt my hands since I was an *apprentice*, you inconsiderate fool. My hands... dammit, Ace.”
They continued to bicker softly back and forth even as Chopper leaned precariously over the arm of the couch to grab his knapsack, his little tail flickering in concentration, and pulled it up next to him. Digging out the burn cream and other supplies, he wisely decided not to point out the obvious concern coloring Ace’s voice, or the familiar way the blonde rested an elbow against Ace’s thigh to steady himself for his doctor’s ministrations, or even question how Sanji had gotten the burns in the first place, though his sense of smell offered a pretty accurate picture. Examining the pads of his crewmate’s hands, the reindeer nodded to himself. Yup, some things were better left unmentioned.
“Now Sanji,” the young physician whispered in his tinny voice as he swabbed a little antiseptic over the skin and gingerly applied an aloe cream, “it’s really not as bad as you think. Your skin is pretty thick here, so I wouldn’t even classify these burns as first degree. I don’t even need to wrap them up... just keep applying this cream, and they’ll be as good as new in a day or so.” Taking a deep breath and putting on his most professional face, Chopper gave both of them a Look. “And as your primary care physician, Sanji, I think it would be a good idea of all three of us sat down and had an honest discussion. If Ace’s condition causes sexually dysfunctional side effects, we’re going to need to-”
“Wait. Just a *minute*. I am *not* sexually dysfunctional-”
“So the fact that your dick about burst into flames in my hands is *normal*?!”
A grouchy, sleep-roughened voice suddenly burst into the conversation from beyond the faint glow of Ace’s light. “Ladies, as much as we all want to hear about the shit-cook’s fucked-up sex life, some of us are trying to sleep. So can it or take it elsewhere before I come down there with my swords and make you.”
“Ace, can you really set your dick on fire? That’s so cool!” Luffy’s drowsy giggles erupted from the darkness. “I wanna seeeeee... I’ll show you what I can do with mine!”
Dead silence. “…You’re all a bunch of goddamn *freaks*.”
“This coming from the guy who’s so flexible he can suck himself off.”
Sanji dove from the circle of light, simultaneously cursing and yelping as things started crashing around him in the dark and his feet somehow managed to connect with the swordsman. Luffy’s uproarious laughter followed soon after, joined by Chopper’s screeched warnings for Sanji not to hurt himself again; one of Zoro’s boots flew through the air to peg Ace in the head, breaking his concentration and sending him back onto his ass with a yelp, and finally plunged the bunkroom into pitch-black chaos. Then the door to the girls’ room flew open with a squeal of hinges and Nami’s enraged voice… and the little reindeer grabbed his blanket and dove behind the couch.
Maybe I should work on my physician/patient rapport, Chopper moaned to himself as he pulled the worn wool back over his head. Or some sort of increased sensitivity training. This isn’t the result I was looking for when I suggested we talk!
At the rate things were going, he’d end up with more problems than they’d started with. And there was bound to be somebody spouting blood now.
…Dammit.