Shadow
Shadow was sick last night, his eyes were sad and painful and he was rolling and kicking his belly and pawing the ground. Then vet Tom came out, Tom has studied in the UK and is great with dogs and horses from what I've seen. He asked me millions of qustions that I've never been asked before, he basicallly wanted to know Shadow's life story haha. It was good though, he's very thorough. He said all of his clinical signs were actually quite normal and good but that he could see he was in pain, so he gave him a small dose of painkillers after spending ages checking his belly and gums and heart and doing a rectal (poor Shadow lol bit of a shock, he was SO GOOD though he just stood there calmly). He didn't seem too worried when I said Shadow has always been skinny like that and asked me about what I do with him and I told him about little Katie's riding lessons and he seemed to think that was good.
Anyway he said basically this kind of situation, where the horse is showing signs of pain like this but no clinical signs that it's going to be lethal can go one of two ways (as most things can) and that basically this could be a sign that there is something much more wrong. (as was with Bow that none of the vets considered)He said the only way to find out is a referal to a clinic in newcastle or camdan but obviously I can't afford that. He said he personally wouldn't send his horse at this stage so that made me feel better. I explained about Bow and how I'd decided long ago that unless the horse had the personality for it I wouldn't put them through that, specially at 27years or age with a non-people personablity and being taken far away from his horsey friends and his usually behaviour of fretting for me when i'm not there. Would really not do him any good in the end. Also when I say I can't afford it, we're talking 10grand kindof thing not just a couple of thousand and stressful tests and me not being allowed to go in there with him. He said basically it's possibly cancer but not to be too worried at this point.
Shadow also has a heart murmur, a grade 3 out of 6 he said which is basically...loud and clear when you listen to his heart but nothing that should impact his daily life at this point. Basically with ANY grade of heart mumur there is of course the risk of sudden heart attack but there's nothing I can do about that and it's unlikely really.
So yeah, unpleasent is all I can describe last night as though Shadow is fine now his mortality was thrown up in my face. I know he's older and hasn't been well looked after for most of his life and I can only try and do what I can with him from what the past has done but he seems happy enough and I still live with the ideal that he will live past 30 years old. Hopefully WELL PAST that of course. I try not to think about this too much, I don't want him to sense that i'm waiting for the inevitable, he's here now and I want enjoy every last second I have with him. I need to stop trying to prepare myself for something that hasn't happened yet and may not happen for another ten years. But the pain of loseing Bow is still fresh for me and I'm so terrified of going through all of that again, I know it would be different, because he's older but I keep telling myself that somehow if I can *expect* it that it will be easier when really I know in my heart that NOTHING can make loseing a horse easier. I need to stop thinking about this, he's fine now. The weirdest part about the heart mumur was that I knew he had it already, it's SO CLEAR that I've actually felt it myself when touching his pulse but without realising what it was until Tom described it to me and I realise that that was what I had felt. Anyway I guess I'm babbling this on here becasue I know everyone I speak to about it is either going "drama queen" under their breathe or "well he IS 27..." which is what most people say. Mercifully Tom said nothing in that "older horse, not much you can do but wait till they die" way nor did he ever once point it out that older horses are older horses and you just have to accept these things. I don't care if you do I'll still keep trying to make him as healthy and happy as possible cause for fuck's sake he's not on death's door yet it'd be like the doctor saying to a 70year old man "oh well you're *older* now you'll just have to sit in your house and wait to die".
Anyway he said basically this kind of situation, where the horse is showing signs of pain like this but no clinical signs that it's going to be lethal can go one of two ways (as most things can) and that basically this could be a sign that there is something much more wrong. (as was with Bow that none of the vets considered)He said the only way to find out is a referal to a clinic in newcastle or camdan but obviously I can't afford that. He said he personally wouldn't send his horse at this stage so that made me feel better. I explained about Bow and how I'd decided long ago that unless the horse had the personality for it I wouldn't put them through that, specially at 27years or age with a non-people personablity and being taken far away from his horsey friends and his usually behaviour of fretting for me when i'm not there. Would really not do him any good in the end. Also when I say I can't afford it, we're talking 10grand kindof thing not just a couple of thousand and stressful tests and me not being allowed to go in there with him. He said basically it's possibly cancer but not to be too worried at this point.
Shadow also has a heart murmur, a grade 3 out of 6 he said which is basically...loud and clear when you listen to his heart but nothing that should impact his daily life at this point. Basically with ANY grade of heart mumur there is of course the risk of sudden heart attack but there's nothing I can do about that and it's unlikely really.
So yeah, unpleasent is all I can describe last night as though Shadow is fine now his mortality was thrown up in my face. I know he's older and hasn't been well looked after for most of his life and I can only try and do what I can with him from what the past has done but he seems happy enough and I still live with the ideal that he will live past 30 years old. Hopefully WELL PAST that of course. I try not to think about this too much, I don't want him to sense that i'm waiting for the inevitable, he's here now and I want enjoy every last second I have with him. I need to stop trying to prepare myself for something that hasn't happened yet and may not happen for another ten years. But the pain of loseing Bow is still fresh for me and I'm so terrified of going through all of that again, I know it would be different, because he's older but I keep telling myself that somehow if I can *expect* it that it will be easier when really I know in my heart that NOTHING can make loseing a horse easier. I need to stop thinking about this, he's fine now. The weirdest part about the heart mumur was that I knew he had it already, it's SO CLEAR that I've actually felt it myself when touching his pulse but without realising what it was until Tom described it to me and I realise that that was what I had felt. Anyway I guess I'm babbling this on here becasue I know everyone I speak to about it is either going "drama queen" under their breathe or "well he IS 27..." which is what most people say. Mercifully Tom said nothing in that "older horse, not much you can do but wait till they die" way nor did he ever once point it out that older horses are older horses and you just have to accept these things. I don't care if you do I'll still keep trying to make him as healthy and happy as possible cause for fuck's sake he's not on death's door yet it'd be like the doctor saying to a 70year old man "oh well you're *older* now you'll just have to sit in your house and wait to die".