Lonely night....
Well, ive gotten to spend my last 2 night in my baby's arms, and that is by no small margin the single greatest feeling in the world.
After i went home today we were planning on spending tonight together as well, but she isnt feeling well again, so that plan kinda fell through. :( *sigh* mega-bummer, too, since tonight is my last night at home.....Ive gotta return to school tomorrow cuz classes start back up on monday. I think im gonna get back into running and lifting weights a lot, to help occupy myself, that and hopefully burn some extra energy...hopefully thatll help me sleep better at night.
Overall though, i really do not want to return to school....
Well, if youre reading this, that probably means your one of my closer friends, or the single greatest thing in my life right now, so i just wanna say thanks to all of you who have been there to listen to me and help me through everything ive been through.
For the past 2 years ive been fighting with myself cuz of this stupid illness that ive got...and for 2 years ive been choking down pills to keep me sane....well, i quit taking those pills a few weeks ago, just to see how i could get along without them. And, truthfully, i feel better than ever....and in my mind, i have one person to thank for that. Beth, thank you for showing me that i have the strength to deal with this myself. Its your support and encouragement that made me believe that i could do this myself, without drugs.
But come monday, I'm not completely confident that i'll be able to still handle it the way i have been. It really is going to be the ultimate test for myself. Starting a new quarter, and i absolutely cannot fuck this up. My grades this last quarter werent high enough to maintain all my scholarships, and i can use these next 2 quarters to bring it up so that i can keep them, but if i fuck up this quarter, im done.....thats it, no more college. I cant afford 32 grand a year to pay for it, and i dont want to take out almost 100,000 in loans.
I have a feeling that if i pull through this quarter, get the grades, and get my gpa up, all my problems will be solved...Ill have a good base to start the next quarter on, and the confidence to do it with, and if my mom sees good grades after next quarter, im thinkin theres a good chance shell realize that she was wrong about beth, and that she isnt a distraction from my studies, but rather a reason to study even harder.
Ive only got 3 weeks of school to get through to start, then i have a 2 week break for christmas. I couldnt believe how fast the past 11 weeks of school went by, so i dont think it should be too much of a problem to get through only 3.....3 weeks, then i get 2 whole weeks to spend with my beth. Id really like to get a job out there, but i think itd probably be best if i waited until after the break. Otherwise id probably just be starting the job and then right off the bat i would need 2 weeks off. probably not a good first impression to start a job with. But on the other hand, if i dont get a job, i wont have any money with which to buy beth a nice christmas present...I dont even have enough money to get her a birthday present....even though she insists that i dont get her one. Im sure i can figure something out.
On that note, My sisters birthday is on tuesday, and quite the opposite of beth, shes been asking over and over again what im going to get her....as if i dont have enough to worry about. I made a whole hundred dollars this week working for bob....im down to about 15 of that right now. what can i do with 15 bucks......i mean, i cant even get her a cd or something with that. It amazes me how hung up on material possessions some people are. I dont think she realizes what its like to be in college without a job....I know if i dont get anything, shell make a huge fuss out of it. Nice of her to take into consideration the situation im in.
This week i was apparently "eating her food." i had a bown of kix, and i drank one of her kool-aid juice pouches, and she starts bitching at me. And suddently i dont live here anymore, and i should get out of the house....well sara, if youre reading this....fuck you, you stupid materialistic piece of shit. Youre so concerned about yourself and your things, fuck your birthday, im not getting you a fucking thing, if you did something to deserve it, i might consider it, but until you realize that there are more important things on this planet than what you own, youre not getting shit from me. Youve changed a lot since ive been gone, and not for the better, youve become so wrapped up in yourself...well heres your wakeup call......
Well, as much as i dont wanna go back to school, i am looking forward to it in a way....as much as i hate being away from beth, i enjoy living on my own, and my classes this quarter should be fun...Im particularly looking forward to engineering graphics....very drawing-oriented class. Im outta thoughts.....cept one.
I love you beth, with all my heart.
After i went home today we were planning on spending tonight together as well, but she isnt feeling well again, so that plan kinda fell through. :( *sigh* mega-bummer, too, since tonight is my last night at home.....Ive gotta return to school tomorrow cuz classes start back up on monday. I think im gonna get back into running and lifting weights a lot, to help occupy myself, that and hopefully burn some extra energy...hopefully thatll help me sleep better at night.
Overall though, i really do not want to return to school....
Well, if youre reading this, that probably means your one of my closer friends, or the single greatest thing in my life right now, so i just wanna say thanks to all of you who have been there to listen to me and help me through everything ive been through.
For the past 2 years ive been fighting with myself cuz of this stupid illness that ive got...and for 2 years ive been choking down pills to keep me sane....well, i quit taking those pills a few weeks ago, just to see how i could get along without them. And, truthfully, i feel better than ever....and in my mind, i have one person to thank for that. Beth, thank you for showing me that i have the strength to deal with this myself. Its your support and encouragement that made me believe that i could do this myself, without drugs.
But come monday, I'm not completely confident that i'll be able to still handle it the way i have been. It really is going to be the ultimate test for myself. Starting a new quarter, and i absolutely cannot fuck this up. My grades this last quarter werent high enough to maintain all my scholarships, and i can use these next 2 quarters to bring it up so that i can keep them, but if i fuck up this quarter, im done.....thats it, no more college. I cant afford 32 grand a year to pay for it, and i dont want to take out almost 100,000 in loans.
I have a feeling that if i pull through this quarter, get the grades, and get my gpa up, all my problems will be solved...Ill have a good base to start the next quarter on, and the confidence to do it with, and if my mom sees good grades after next quarter, im thinkin theres a good chance shell realize that she was wrong about beth, and that she isnt a distraction from my studies, but rather a reason to study even harder.
Ive only got 3 weeks of school to get through to start, then i have a 2 week break for christmas. I couldnt believe how fast the past 11 weeks of school went by, so i dont think it should be too much of a problem to get through only 3.....3 weeks, then i get 2 whole weeks to spend with my beth. Id really like to get a job out there, but i think itd probably be best if i waited until after the break. Otherwise id probably just be starting the job and then right off the bat i would need 2 weeks off. probably not a good first impression to start a job with. But on the other hand, if i dont get a job, i wont have any money with which to buy beth a nice christmas present...I dont even have enough money to get her a birthday present....even though she insists that i dont get her one. Im sure i can figure something out.
On that note, My sisters birthday is on tuesday, and quite the opposite of beth, shes been asking over and over again what im going to get her....as if i dont have enough to worry about. I made a whole hundred dollars this week working for bob....im down to about 15 of that right now. what can i do with 15 bucks......i mean, i cant even get her a cd or something with that. It amazes me how hung up on material possessions some people are. I dont think she realizes what its like to be in college without a job....I know if i dont get anything, shell make a huge fuss out of it. Nice of her to take into consideration the situation im in.
This week i was apparently "eating her food." i had a bown of kix, and i drank one of her kool-aid juice pouches, and she starts bitching at me. And suddently i dont live here anymore, and i should get out of the house....well sara, if youre reading this....fuck you, you stupid materialistic piece of shit. Youre so concerned about yourself and your things, fuck your birthday, im not getting you a fucking thing, if you did something to deserve it, i might consider it, but until you realize that there are more important things on this planet than what you own, youre not getting shit from me. Youve changed a lot since ive been gone, and not for the better, youve become so wrapped up in yourself...well heres your wakeup call......
Well, as much as i dont wanna go back to school, i am looking forward to it in a way....as much as i hate being away from beth, i enjoy living on my own, and my classes this quarter should be fun...Im particularly looking forward to engineering graphics....very drawing-oriented class. Im outta thoughts.....cept one.
I love you beth, with all my heart.