The greatest rant ever writen.
This was NOT writen by me, however I think it has to be the funniest thing I've read in a looong time. ENJOY!
I'm 8 months pregnant and I'm not one of those women who thinks that means that everyone should bend over backwards to help me or that the sun shines directly out of my ass every morning. But for God sakes have some common courtesy.
Like when you're walking backwards talking to your friend and you slam into my stomach and almost knock me down, go ahead and apologize. Yes I realize if my gut didn't extend so far it wouldn't of happened. Yes, if I'd been paying more attention to the giant Sasquatch that is you walking backwards instead of minding my own business I could've moved. Yes, it fucking hurt. Don't get all pissy and glare back when I glare at you because you didn't even apologize. You slammed into me and my unborn child, this does not give you the right to glare.
When your 3 year old asks me what's under my shirt and than tries to yank it up to see, stop them. Don't laugh and say he's just curious and go about your business. I get it kids are curious, explain to him that it's a baby and tell him that it's not polite to yank up people's shirts. How would you like it if I yanked up your shirt so that everyone in the fucking store could get a look at your gigantic gut that looks like your kid fucking clawed his way out.
Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I want to talk to you! I don't care how swollen your feet got, how much you gained, or how hard the baby kicked. I'm bored enough when I have to talk about me and my pregnancy without hearing how you spent 23 hours pushing little Stevie out while your good for nothing husband screamed like a little girl and got a concussion hitting his head when he fainted during the episiotomy. Another thing...... it's NEVER appropriate to ask a complete stranger whether they've got Hemorrhoids yet, laughing and calling it the ring of fire doesn't make it anymore appropriate.
Did the entire fucking world start taking happy pills as soon as I started showing? If one more stranger smiles and waves at me I'm gonna shit this kid out right here and use his umbilical cord to strangle that person to death. It's creepy. How would you like it every where you went strangers smiled and waved at you. It's bad enough I've gotta deal with the wal-mart greeters! It feels like I'm stuck in the truman show.
Don't touch my stomach. I don't care how big it is, don't fucking touch it. I don't rub your thunder thighs and ask how you feel today do I? No I don't, because it's rude and it would make you uncomfortable. When I say I don't like to be touched don't smirk and ask me how I got in this situation if I don't like being touched. Let me spell it out for you, I'm trying to be nice, but I don't want you a complete and utter stranger to touch me.
For some reason people feel compelled to bend down on both knees and talk to my stomach in a high pitched baby voice. The baby doesn't like it, and neither do I. I especially don't like that it puts your nose about two inches away from my vagina and I'm never positive if you're really just trying to catch a whiff of my "special flower". So next time one of you morons bends down to discretely sniff my twat I'm going to hike my leg, grab your head, and ask if the babys crowning yet.
When I'm sitting on a bench outside the store waiting for my boyfriend to pull up the car don't sit 2 inches away from me with your disgusting cancer stick. There's another bench two feet away, sit there. If you are dumb enough to sit next to me and I politely ask you not to because of your disgusting cancer stick don't get all pissed off and tell me that you're outside. I know you're outside, I also know that theres another bench right there, that I was sitting here first, and that 2nd hand smoke is bad for unborn children. I shouldn't have to move because of your disgusting habits.
Now to the prego lovers or as I like to call them chubby chasers who decided to specialize. Yes, I have had sex. Yes, I still have sex. Yes, the thought of you cumming on my unborn child's forehead makes me want to vomit.
When I'm out eating dinner and your cue ball bounces off the pool table and lands near my feet don't glare at me and mumble some smart ass comment because I don't bend down to get it. If you don't like going to get it, learn not to bounce it off the table. I'm not the problem here, this is your problem. You bounced the ball off the table, you go get it. My boyfriend has to tie my shoes for me because it's so uncomfortable to bend down. I'm not getting your cue ball for you.
Maybe you haven't heard but there's a fucking leash law. Just because Fido doesn't bite doesn't mean I want a 90 lb dog jumping on my stomach. Don't say I need to "take a chill pill" when I yell at your dog to stay down or kick him to keep him off of me. Don't threaten to call the cops, I'll call them. Yes, I know your dog wasn't trying to hurt me. No, I don't like hurting animals and I did feel bad that I had to kick him. Yes, you're gigantic mutt jumping on my stomach could've seriously injured or killed my child. Yes, you should be mad, at yourself for not spending 10 dollars on a fucking leash.
Just because you're period is 3 days late doesn't mean you should get to park in the maternity parking. I'm not trying to be a bitch but there are only like 2 spots for the entire mall. If you're not showing yet, you don't deserve one. But you're so busy feeling special that you get to park up front that you don't even care that you took the last spot forcing me to park in the back. My ankles are swollen, I'm exhausted, and I'm trying not to piss my granny panties. Leave the maternity parking for someone who needs it you selfish bitch.
The other day the wal-mart greeter greeted me with "bet your here for pickles and icecream huh". You're a wal-mart greeter just say "welcome to walmart" and shut the fuck up. Your not funny and your not really in a position to be cracking jokes about anyone else anyways. I bet your here for minimum wage huh? Fucking idiot. Besides, I'm here for fig newtons and sour cream.
Do you know how offensive and annoying it is when I complete stranger comes up to you and says "You know you're not supposed to drink caffeine, it's bad for the baby". How would you like it if I came up to your fat ass in a restaurant and said "You know you should be eating salad....... you're seriously one double cheese burger away from a massive heart attack!" You'd think I was rude and you'd tell me to mind my own business wouldn't you? Well guess what, I think you're rude and should mind your own business. Not that it's any of your business but my doctor said small amounts of caffeine are ok. I savor the one coke I get to drink every day. Sometimes it's actually the highlight of my day, and you're ruining it.
Yes, I'm positive it's not twins. No, I'm not past my due date. Yes, I'm supposed to weigh this much. Remember in pre-k when you were told that if you couldn't say something nice not to say anything at all. Well that rule still applies. Here's another rule for you, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. In 6 months I'll be back to pre-baby weight and you'll still be morbidly obese. Quit wasting all your time giving me advice and do a sit up you chocolate chuggin asshole.
Not everyone's that bad. Alot of people are actually really nice. I do appreciate the people who open doors, help me carry heavy stuff, and the guy down stairs who caught my cat for me the other day when she ran out. I just wish more people were like that.
I'm 8 months pregnant and I'm not one of those women who thinks that means that everyone should bend over backwards to help me or that the sun shines directly out of my ass every morning. But for God sakes have some common courtesy.
Like when you're walking backwards talking to your friend and you slam into my stomach and almost knock me down, go ahead and apologize. Yes I realize if my gut didn't extend so far it wouldn't of happened. Yes, if I'd been paying more attention to the giant Sasquatch that is you walking backwards instead of minding my own business I could've moved. Yes, it fucking hurt. Don't get all pissy and glare back when I glare at you because you didn't even apologize. You slammed into me and my unborn child, this does not give you the right to glare.
When your 3 year old asks me what's under my shirt and than tries to yank it up to see, stop them. Don't laugh and say he's just curious and go about your business. I get it kids are curious, explain to him that it's a baby and tell him that it's not polite to yank up people's shirts. How would you like it if I yanked up your shirt so that everyone in the fucking store could get a look at your gigantic gut that looks like your kid fucking clawed his way out.
Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I want to talk to you! I don't care how swollen your feet got, how much you gained, or how hard the baby kicked. I'm bored enough when I have to talk about me and my pregnancy without hearing how you spent 23 hours pushing little Stevie out while your good for nothing husband screamed like a little girl and got a concussion hitting his head when he fainted during the episiotomy. Another thing...... it's NEVER appropriate to ask a complete stranger whether they've got Hemorrhoids yet, laughing and calling it the ring of fire doesn't make it anymore appropriate.
Did the entire fucking world start taking happy pills as soon as I started showing? If one more stranger smiles and waves at me I'm gonna shit this kid out right here and use his umbilical cord to strangle that person to death. It's creepy. How would you like it every where you went strangers smiled and waved at you. It's bad enough I've gotta deal with the wal-mart greeters! It feels like I'm stuck in the truman show.
Don't touch my stomach. I don't care how big it is, don't fucking touch it. I don't rub your thunder thighs and ask how you feel today do I? No I don't, because it's rude and it would make you uncomfortable. When I say I don't like to be touched don't smirk and ask me how I got in this situation if I don't like being touched. Let me spell it out for you, I'm trying to be nice, but I don't want you a complete and utter stranger to touch me.
For some reason people feel compelled to bend down on both knees and talk to my stomach in a high pitched baby voice. The baby doesn't like it, and neither do I. I especially don't like that it puts your nose about two inches away from my vagina and I'm never positive if you're really just trying to catch a whiff of my "special flower". So next time one of you morons bends down to discretely sniff my twat I'm going to hike my leg, grab your head, and ask if the babys crowning yet.
When I'm sitting on a bench outside the store waiting for my boyfriend to pull up the car don't sit 2 inches away from me with your disgusting cancer stick. There's another bench two feet away, sit there. If you are dumb enough to sit next to me and I politely ask you not to because of your disgusting cancer stick don't get all pissed off and tell me that you're outside. I know you're outside, I also know that theres another bench right there, that I was sitting here first, and that 2nd hand smoke is bad for unborn children. I shouldn't have to move because of your disgusting habits.
Now to the prego lovers or as I like to call them chubby chasers who decided to specialize. Yes, I have had sex. Yes, I still have sex. Yes, the thought of you cumming on my unborn child's forehead makes me want to vomit.
When I'm out eating dinner and your cue ball bounces off the pool table and lands near my feet don't glare at me and mumble some smart ass comment because I don't bend down to get it. If you don't like going to get it, learn not to bounce it off the table. I'm not the problem here, this is your problem. You bounced the ball off the table, you go get it. My boyfriend has to tie my shoes for me because it's so uncomfortable to bend down. I'm not getting your cue ball for you.
Maybe you haven't heard but there's a fucking leash law. Just because Fido doesn't bite doesn't mean I want a 90 lb dog jumping on my stomach. Don't say I need to "take a chill pill" when I yell at your dog to stay down or kick him to keep him off of me. Don't threaten to call the cops, I'll call them. Yes, I know your dog wasn't trying to hurt me. No, I don't like hurting animals and I did feel bad that I had to kick him. Yes, you're gigantic mutt jumping on my stomach could've seriously injured or killed my child. Yes, you should be mad, at yourself for not spending 10 dollars on a fucking leash.
Just because you're period is 3 days late doesn't mean you should get to park in the maternity parking. I'm not trying to be a bitch but there are only like 2 spots for the entire mall. If you're not showing yet, you don't deserve one. But you're so busy feeling special that you get to park up front that you don't even care that you took the last spot forcing me to park in the back. My ankles are swollen, I'm exhausted, and I'm trying not to piss my granny panties. Leave the maternity parking for someone who needs it you selfish bitch.
The other day the wal-mart greeter greeted me with "bet your here for pickles and icecream huh". You're a wal-mart greeter just say "welcome to walmart" and shut the fuck up. Your not funny and your not really in a position to be cracking jokes about anyone else anyways. I bet your here for minimum wage huh? Fucking idiot. Besides, I'm here for fig newtons and sour cream.
Do you know how offensive and annoying it is when I complete stranger comes up to you and says "You know you're not supposed to drink caffeine, it's bad for the baby". How would you like it if I came up to your fat ass in a restaurant and said "You know you should be eating salad....... you're seriously one double cheese burger away from a massive heart attack!" You'd think I was rude and you'd tell me to mind my own business wouldn't you? Well guess what, I think you're rude and should mind your own business. Not that it's any of your business but my doctor said small amounts of caffeine are ok. I savor the one coke I get to drink every day. Sometimes it's actually the highlight of my day, and you're ruining it.
Yes, I'm positive it's not twins. No, I'm not past my due date. Yes, I'm supposed to weigh this much. Remember in pre-k when you were told that if you couldn't say something nice not to say anything at all. Well that rule still applies. Here's another rule for you, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. In 6 months I'll be back to pre-baby weight and you'll still be morbidly obese. Quit wasting all your time giving me advice and do a sit up you chocolate chuggin asshole.
Not everyone's that bad. Alot of people are actually really nice. I do appreciate the people who open doors, help me carry heavy stuff, and the guy down stairs who caught my cat for me the other day when she ran out. I just wish more people were like that.