The Nightmare That Won't End
Over the summer, I found out that our "family" was going to be moving. I'd be leaving my school, my friends, and my life behind for a place that I knew nothing about. I'd be going to a high school where I knew no one. At first, it didn't bother me so much. But then, as time went on, I began to realize that my life would never be the same again. Needless to say, that from the beginning I wanted to stay here. After all, I would be half a year into my junior year when we would move, so my school life would be totally on the rocks.
But I still held on. I stayed strong and I tried to prepare myself the best I could for the day of my departure. I thought, that with all this preparation, it would be fairly easy to leave. Boy, I was wrong. On my last day at school I realized that I could have prepared for this day since the day I was born, and it still wouldn't have been enough to ease even half of the pain I was feeling. On my last day of school, I walked through the halls thinking, "This is it. This is the last time I'll attend this class. This is the last time I'll eat lunch here." I was ok until about 1:30. I had just gotten out of lunch with my friend and we were walking down the hall when she said "This is the last time I'll eat lunch with you." And it occurred to me then, that this could be the last time I see her for a while. I almost burst into tears right there. Instead, I gave her a hug and told her that it would be ok (which I didn't even believe myself) and walked to my second to last class of the day.
I walked into my last period class and handed out the last of my little e-mail/aim address stickers to my friends there. That class went by faster than I could have imagined, the bell rang, and my last day of school was over. As I was walking down the hallway with my two friends from my last period class, they told me that they were going to miss me terribly and I said the same thing to them. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to hold back the tears any longer. So after we parted ways, I turned the corner and let myself break down in the arms of one of my closest friends. He said that it was going to be ok, but I didn't believe him. It wasn't going to be ok. And things weren't going to get better.
Anyhow, I went to town with a couple friends afterwards and had coffee at Starbucks. Then we parted ways and I went home. That night, I received an instant message from the guy I had been eyeing for the past couple months. We got to talking and it turned out that we had a lot in common. I mean, this guy was like the male version of myself! We got offline and I just cried. I cried for what seemed like hours. I was leaving behind the perfect guy for me. He's sweet, funny, good looking, and he likes me for me. And I'm leaving him behind. I didn't want to move before, and I extremely don't want to move now.
He and I have been talking for the last week. And next week is possibly the week I move. I'm afraid that I won't be able to see him one last time before I leave. And it's eating me up inside. Finding the perfect someone for you and knowing that you have to leave him behind is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.
My mother doesn't understand why I mope around the house. She doesn't understand why I don't want to go out shopping with her. Well, she wouldn't be able to understand. If I told her why I didn't want to leave, she'd just laugh in my face. I know she would. It's exactly how she would react to something like this. She knows that I'm going to miss my friends, but she doesn't know whom I'm truly going to miss. Now all she's doing is blaming my closest friend for the reasons why I don't go shopping with her or sit and watch movies with her. I don't do these things because I've done them too often. She wants to be my best friend, and that's just not possible. She can't relate to me in any way. My best friend can. She knows what I'm going through because she has gone through the same thing. My mother doesn't understand this. And I can't explain it to her because all she ends up doing is yelling at me about how I am. Well, I'm sorry, but this is how I am. I'm not going to change. This is the way I'm built. Accept it. I can't just change for her. She doesn't understand this, and she never will.
Every night I go to bed hoping that I'll wake up and it'll just be a bad dream. I hope to wake up and have things as they should be. And every morning, that never happens. I wake up and the nightmare is still happening. It won't stop. No matter how hard I pray that it will end, it won't. I'm stuck in my nightmare, and I'll never wake up. The end.
--Candy
But I still held on. I stayed strong and I tried to prepare myself the best I could for the day of my departure. I thought, that with all this preparation, it would be fairly easy to leave. Boy, I was wrong. On my last day at school I realized that I could have prepared for this day since the day I was born, and it still wouldn't have been enough to ease even half of the pain I was feeling. On my last day of school, I walked through the halls thinking, "This is it. This is the last time I'll attend this class. This is the last time I'll eat lunch here." I was ok until about 1:30. I had just gotten out of lunch with my friend and we were walking down the hall when she said "This is the last time I'll eat lunch with you." And it occurred to me then, that this could be the last time I see her for a while. I almost burst into tears right there. Instead, I gave her a hug and told her that it would be ok (which I didn't even believe myself) and walked to my second to last class of the day.
I walked into my last period class and handed out the last of my little e-mail/aim address stickers to my friends there. That class went by faster than I could have imagined, the bell rang, and my last day of school was over. As I was walking down the hallway with my two friends from my last period class, they told me that they were going to miss me terribly and I said the same thing to them. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to hold back the tears any longer. So after we parted ways, I turned the corner and let myself break down in the arms of one of my closest friends. He said that it was going to be ok, but I didn't believe him. It wasn't going to be ok. And things weren't going to get better.
Anyhow, I went to town with a couple friends afterwards and had coffee at Starbucks. Then we parted ways and I went home. That night, I received an instant message from the guy I had been eyeing for the past couple months. We got to talking and it turned out that we had a lot in common. I mean, this guy was like the male version of myself! We got offline and I just cried. I cried for what seemed like hours. I was leaving behind the perfect guy for me. He's sweet, funny, good looking, and he likes me for me. And I'm leaving him behind. I didn't want to move before, and I extremely don't want to move now.
He and I have been talking for the last week. And next week is possibly the week I move. I'm afraid that I won't be able to see him one last time before I leave. And it's eating me up inside. Finding the perfect someone for you and knowing that you have to leave him behind is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.
My mother doesn't understand why I mope around the house. She doesn't understand why I don't want to go out shopping with her. Well, she wouldn't be able to understand. If I told her why I didn't want to leave, she'd just laugh in my face. I know she would. It's exactly how she would react to something like this. She knows that I'm going to miss my friends, but she doesn't know whom I'm truly going to miss. Now all she's doing is blaming my closest friend for the reasons why I don't go shopping with her or sit and watch movies with her. I don't do these things because I've done them too often. She wants to be my best friend, and that's just not possible. She can't relate to me in any way. My best friend can. She knows what I'm going through because she has gone through the same thing. My mother doesn't understand this. And I can't explain it to her because all she ends up doing is yelling at me about how I am. Well, I'm sorry, but this is how I am. I'm not going to change. This is the way I'm built. Accept it. I can't just change for her. She doesn't understand this, and she never will.
Every night I go to bed hoping that I'll wake up and it'll just be a bad dream. I hope to wake up and have things as they should be. And every morning, that never happens. I wake up and the nightmare is still happening. It won't stop. No matter how hard I pray that it will end, it won't. I'm stuck in my nightmare, and I'll never wake up. The end.
--Candy