Insomnia, Work, Scapegoating
Didn't sleep well last night, insomnia kicked my ass hard. Apparently several other people in Slam Richmond didn't sleep either. Maybe we're just running on Poet Time. Today, I am completely exhausted though. I've been overthinking like crazy - it's annoying how I wake up and the first thing on my mind is this con group crap. I try to keep it at bay for just a few more minutes but it always slams me first thing in the morning. I honestly don't know how I made it through five years of this crap. Maybe I just never mourned. To be fair, the world was kind of ending so there wasn't a lot of time to process this shit.
I lived through a goddamn pandemic for fucks sake. And getting a new job, pushing forward on my life and State Park adventuring. It was like I was able to keep it locked away for MAGFest every year. Now it feels like that crappy feeling every fucking day and I'm tired of it. Really tired of Golden Boy trying to tell me that everything is fine in the group. Can't believe he doesn't understand why people would think it was a toxic environment when they were literally sitting around all calling each other assholes, motherfuckers and laughing about killing people. Cause that's SO INCREDIBLY "sane".
Work is continuing to be detrimental to my serenity as well. The lady who got discharged this week keeps trying to call back and bargain with me to take her foster daughter back. Got social services to call me this morning cause I don't have enough to do on a Monday. You already took several hours of my life away when I couldn't get paid for them and now I have to make phone calls to reiterate the same damn information to other people. No, you can't come back. Yes, you had 4 no shows/late cancels. No, there is nothing we can do. Yes, you really do need to be referred out.
Just tired of people blaming me in general. Seems like that can be a theme in my life right now. From work to all this shit with the group, just seems like wherever I go I'm the scapegoat. I really should do a deep dive into how that role has come out in my life at some point when I can really get down into journaling for a lengthy period. Family, then Ft Henry, then Wicked Faire group, then work with Keisha's clients who couldn't take accountability and now work with Family Insight - I am always the scapegoat. I also would like to know the line between not accepting blame for what I did and also being scapegoated. It really seems like so much of what I get blamed for there's no other alternative as to what else I could do or could have done. What do people want from me? Why can't I be what people want me to be just so that they can stop putting their crap on me? Why do I get so upset when I know that this crap is not mine to take on?
They say that the scapegoat of the family often develops depression and suicidal ideations because of being the target of everyone's crap-- all I can say is yeah, I've been there, I know that story well.