I hate my life :(
It may seem like this should be the happiest time of my life but its not. Chris and I have the most fucked up relationship ever. I cry all the time, i feel trapped and alone. I hate myself for thinking this but sometimes i feel like i am more trapped now because of the baby. I love the baby already and i cant wait to see him or her im just so fucking tired of this relationship. We constantly fight, he insults me and everything i am. He has been acting differently ever since we got pregnant. Saturday im graduating from college, something i have longed for for the past three years and suffered through at times...we have had like almost no money lately cuz every time we get paid it goes to bills...anyway...today is thursday and we had already planned to go find me a dress and go to a couple more stores for some stuff for my party....now i hate doing this last minute already but we had to. well, as ususual, something came up at the same time that i wanted to go take care of my stuff....this guy he knew back in Georgia was visiting with his family and wanted to see Chris and me both. I'd never met him, nor was i opposed to it but my graduation is a big deal to me and i wanted my special day to go as smoothly as possible. When Chris asked me if we could go on base to the beach and have steaks with this guy and hang out after we buy me a dress, i told him...if we have time,yeah. He took this as that i didnt want to go at all and started yelling at me about how he just knows that im gonna drag out the whole dress thing to spite him so that he doesnt get to see his friend. Well this hurt me because i feel like every time we make plans they get ruined...and he is selfish and just cares about his own life. Well i came home and we got into a huge fight,....he told me that i was already 'taking up" thursday with the dress thng (mind u i would be going after work, so i would only have 3 hours left to shop for anything)....friday my parents are coming to help set up my house and buy food for the party , saturday is my graduations and sunday he just tossed in there figuring that i would "take" that day too. Im already emotional and all i want is to feel loved by him..and he does this shot to me. I said fine..just give me some money and i will go alone and u go see your friend. He refused and said that his friend wanted to meet me. Anyway during this heated argument he took my phone away, wouldnt give it back and said its not mine, he pays for it. I said, thats great Im willing to carry your child for nine months and u dont want me to even have a phone. He always tells me that im fucked up in the head and why im so terrible and pretty much lists all my flaws and always brings my past mistakes up. I just feel like he has been acting immature, selfish and unloving. He hardly ever shows any affection towards me and that hurts. When we fight, he just wont leave me alone....he says that im always trying to quit this relationship when i say fine then dont be with me. Oh and one of the most hurtful things to me right now is that he STILL has not told his parents that we got married.
His parents kept asking when we would. He doesnt have a good reason. He tries to say that he wants to tell his mom when she has more time to talk but she calls him constantly. he has had ample opportunities to break the news to her. This marriage and the way it was done was not my fairy tale come true, believe me. Now it just feels the worst mistake of my life...and now that im pregnant i feel out of control of my body, i feel like he isnt attracted to me anymore and i just want to cry constantly. He doesnt understand nor does he want to...all he cares about is his pain. He tells everyone else how happy he is about this baby and he tells me too, its just his actions dont match his words, as always. I just feel empty inside and i dont know what to do. I dont know where to go or who to turn to. Everyone in my life always wants me to live my life how they want me to. No one is ever just happy for me. I am just so sick of living this life.. My relationship with Chris is broken. We have moments of happiness but that is all they are....and they always get washed away like everything else.
His parents kept asking when we would. He doesnt have a good reason. He tries to say that he wants to tell his mom when she has more time to talk but she calls him constantly. he has had ample opportunities to break the news to her. This marriage and the way it was done was not my fairy tale come true, believe me. Now it just feels the worst mistake of my life...and now that im pregnant i feel out of control of my body, i feel like he isnt attracted to me anymore and i just want to cry constantly. He doesnt understand nor does he want to...all he cares about is his pain. He tells everyone else how happy he is about this baby and he tells me too, its just his actions dont match his words, as always. I just feel empty inside and i dont know what to do. I dont know where to go or who to turn to. Everyone in my life always wants me to live my life how they want me to. No one is ever just happy for me. I am just so sick of living this life.. My relationship with Chris is broken. We have moments of happiness but that is all they are....and they always get washed away like everything else.