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[valo_somnio]

Ok so just about to write a quick entry but I just wanted to thank Mike and Rob for your comments. You know I always take what you guys (all of our hoppy crew, but you two in particular)to heart. It means a lot to me always, and i think you guys know that. And I will definitely check out that book rob, I'm currently ready 5 novels and 2 short story

Comments

[never_met_me]

word.

yeah i'm down on the skype situation. i agree that we probably need to accommodate rob's schedule more than anything, but i might be second in line because i have a shit ton of class and work to juggle.

i will ask you about the alien voice. and i'm sort of interested in reading that letter, although part of me kind of feels like "eh...you've heard one crazy, adolescent female with baggage confess her completely irrational and naive love, you've heard them all".

seriously though. in terms of the hero complex. i thought i was over it too. but let's just say some shit came out of the woodwork, and i'm not exactly in the clear yet. i dont know. i really am not supposed to tell anyone, but i may drunkenly at some point tell you what's going on.

but here's my two cents:

you can't save anyone. now before you get entirely discouraged by that statement, i want you to know that what i just said isn't entirely true. what is true, is that you can't save anyone from their baggage. you and i are not licensed professionals who are at all qualified to untangle the knots in these people's psyches. because trust me, you can end up doing a lot more damage than you intend, and what the eventual outcome will probably be is that you yourself are hurt that you couldn't do as much as you wanted to. thus, perpetuating the hero complex.

let me sum that up more succinctly: DO NOT attempt to help someone directly with their psychological traumas, no matter how simple or within grasp a treatment may seem. just don't do it. the more i delve into the field of psychology, the more i realize how much damage i'm ultimately doing to myself and to my relationships when i attempt this. because guess what? you and i? our baggage is the hero complex. and we are fighting a futile fight to satisfy our own fucked up needs. bad. bad kitty.

that being said, there is a way you can help these people. you can be caring, understanding, and supportive. you can be a good listener, and understand that if they act irrationally, there may be a reason behind it linked to said trauma, and so you must be extra patient. you can show them what a truly healthy relationship means, and they will learn to value you, and value the types of behaviors you exhibit towards them, and they will seek out that kindness and understanding in the future with other relationships. THAT, my friend, is immensely helpful. because so often these individuals don't get a chance to experience that kind of patience and understanding, and will continue to seek out the same patterns of abuse otherwise.

now. read this carefully. this is another bulletpoint. BEWARE when you engage in any kind of relationship with one of these individuals. yours and my instinct would be to get engulfed in it out of personal interest and a deep-seated need to understand and fix the person. but if you aren't willing to get into a romantic relationship with this person, you need to set some boundaries. you need to be just a friend. and as hard as it may be to not overstep that line, you must.not.step.over.it. i really have reservations about saying this because of the way it sounds...but these people are NEEDY! if you aren't in a relationship with them, they may want you to be. decide ahead of time if you want to be. if you don't, you must stick to your guns.

i can see how it is flattering to have these insano girls throwing themselves at you. and i'm by no means saying that you aren't a great guy, because you are. but you also have to understand that it is part of their pathology. if you were a sack of potatoes and behaved the same way towards them they would probably write the same letter of crazy love confession for ol' Spuds McGee.

sorry that i'm going all...'diagnosis: crazy' on you, because this is really mostly just my opinion based on my experience. and i'm sure she's a nice girl. she just sounds like she's probably struggled a bit in her recent adolescent years and is still sort of immature in handling herself emotionally. and i would hate to see you get wrapped up into a crapshoot like that, because i know the hero complex, and i know you're vulnerable to it.

anyway. yeah email me that letter haha. and keep me posted. we'll skype soon.

[valo_somnio]

Haha you know that you've heard one crazy, adolescent female with baggage confess her completely irrational and naive love, you've heard them all is probably true..but thats like saying you shouldn't keep watching dating on demand videos because once you've seen one you've seen them all. It's true, but they're all hilarious.

Don't feel bad about the rant, I totally see where you're coming from and agree with you. I mean I can't even come close to coming from as informed of a psychological perspective as you obviously, but as you know Ive definitely been there more than a few times as well as heard about a lot of your experience with this shit as well. Honestly I do think I can gauge relatively well what I can handle (which I'm well aware isn't a whole lot) and I think there's a little I can do, but i definitely don't think i can fully save anyone, even when I've tried.

When I say I know what I can handle I only mean that I think i know what i can do without doing damage--but, the catch is only to the girl. I know for sure that anytime I get the hero complex involved in a relationship that I'm risking damage on my half. I'm just self-destructive and stupid enough to not care usually, but as is clear from the letter I wrote back to her, I can resist it at least a little bit now. I think my "get the fuck out of there now radar" is much better now and I'm more responsive to it as well. Honestly though, if I come across someone that I really connect with and they have baggage of any weight but it feels worth the risk, I'm sure I'll take it. At least now I'm defining to myself that someone I "really connect with" is precisely that and not just the next pretty girl that flashes her eyes at me...haha probably. I couldnt finish that sentence without laughing but i think it might be true.

Without going into details (even though you probably know most of them), most of the really fucked up shit with the last one was stuff I would constantly discuss with Foad. All that did was keep my head on straight through it all and put a few more tools on my belt than the average bear..that wears belts..which is really far from average..you get it. But my main goal when shit really hits the fan is taking away that silly therapy stigma and trying to find them a therapist that works for them, the latter part being so damn key as you know.

I'm well aware I'm not a professional and can't often do much more than comfort someone through this stuff. And more than that, I know very well first hand what a professional can really do, hence why pushing someone (not forcefully of course) in that direction is always the goal.

You are totally right about all of that though, and they are wicked needy and I bet a big part of that is that they fucking need help whether they know that's where their neediness in general stems from or not, I'm sure it does to some extent. And I'm definitely needy as well with my hero complex. Once it kicks in it's like being challenged to a duel and you know how we the testosterone fueled bags of meat get when we're challenged to a duel of any kind.

[valo_somnio]

I really think I've got a better hold on it and I find myself trying to base my actions off of rationale rather than emotion, which isn't easy as you know since I'm like 90% emotion ha. Emotion has it's place, I wouldn't be myself without it and I would never try to suppress it completely or anything but you do have to put it in it's place sometimes. Or a lot of times in my case.

This whole thing might be really discombombulated because I wrote it while mult-tasking and i think added some sentences in random places so sorry if thats the case. It's qtr to 3 and I'm crashing so there's no way I'm editing this. Especially after the pretty impressive letter I just pumped out to that girl.

Basically though after hanging out with her that one time my hero complex was already putting his cape on but I was also getting the feeling there was way more than I wanted to handle. That's when I started to distance myself, and big time. I think unfortunately it was misconstrued as playing hard to get.

And even if I can't do shit for this girl (and dude, not a chance I could) I can definitely spot 'em pretty well whether I realizing I'm looking for it or not. In addition to confessing her loved, she confessed to her baggage; a small amount I already knew and the rest I had guessed completely accurately minus one. But as I read them I was officially 100% confident I made the right call on backing off there.

As for the alien voice, I'll have to tell you in person or maybe the phone or it won't be nearly as funny. But I definitely will.

Oh and i have the feeling you won't be able to, but Mystery Team is finally showing in boston. I'm going Friday with Mase and you absolutely should come to hoppy for the night if you can swing it, or we can go one of the other nights if that's better. If you can't do it though that's fine, as soon as they release a DVD you know I'll have it and we can watch it sometime then. Thought I'd let you know anyway though.

Oh and iamthejackal or you're casteton one?

[valo_somnio]

haha wtf i had no idea i wrote that much, you don't have to read it all. I saw I exceeded the character limit and didn't think it was by much but shit. I think i just rambled on and on apparently, ha sorry man.