Mathew's Harsh Truths Part I
Ok kids it's time for me to get negative and...maybe a few things positive.
1. If I am pulling out of a parking spot and you are walking your lame ass family directly behind me, even though i would never really do it, trust me, I am thinking about killing you, even your children.
2. The more I see stickers that say things like "Hustler Hardcore since 74" or "Born To Fuck". Do guys really think this makes them like edgy or more attractive to the opposite sex?! By putting these things on their cars, jackets,lunch pails, all it says is, hey I like to cum. And who doesn't!? Hustler shirts and stickers, Bro, you're not a hustler!?! You don't wheel and deal and make any woman do whatever you want. YOu live in your parents house and you work at an independent record store that's about to go out of business. And while I'm on stickers, I want you to know this. The great cartoonist Bill Watterson never intended his flagship character Calvin to piss on anything. This is a gross exaggeration of the mischieviousness of the character and it angers me to no end that it's a standard for american badass motors. if i ever find the prick responsible for that I will shove his car up his asspipe and steal his fortune that he doesn't deserve.
3. Everyone in Huntington Beach, California is blonde and tanned. There is no exception. And the older someone is, the more their skin looks like a leather saddle left out in the sun.
4. Unfortunatley the more attractive a girl dresses, the more likely it is that she will be a bitch upon approach.
5. Girls...STOP BRINGING THE FAT FRIEND! We understand that it's strictly there to make you look even better than you really do. It's clever and a touch of genius, but you play so fucking stupid,like you have no idea that your best friend Claire is 5 foot 10 and goes 450 lbs. and then what do you do?! you put her portly ass off on our best friend who has to act as a wingman and talk to this human fucking donut. I am not going to be kind or PC about this. In my opinion and this can be backed up by million of my peers. Fat is ugly. A little weight is ok, being slightly overweight, hey we all lose steam sometimes, but being outrightly obese and trying to squeeze into leather pants and a halter top is a fucking disgrace. So do two things, A: Get your ass to the gym, and B: if you have that perfect skinny bottle blonde friend, who always seems to wear something that gives her cleavage, and about a pound of makeup and lip gloss, Realize that friend is using your fat ass and beat her pretty face to pieces. All of us men will in fact raise a turkey leg in your honor.
6. Guys, stop blasting your fucking music when you pull into a mall or a movie theater. It's just too much damn Tupac, 50 cent, biggie, or AC/DC. We all love music and we are impressed by your sound systems, and if your on a long trip to Vegas or something on the freeway then by all means rock and rap on, but here in the city, please keep it down. We are trying to make fun of you and we can't hear what we're saying over you playing Snoop Dogg's Beautiful at top decibel.
7. Red Bull does not keep you up. It's clever marketing and zingy taste convince your brain that it will bring you energy. See (Placebo)
8. I've started to talk to guys who regularly get manicures with a certain foul tasting oil so they won't bite their nails anymore. This is a great idea and I should probably start doing it my damn self.
9. Anyone who makes fun of you for reading a Harry Potter book and knowing a great many details has no idea what they are missing. And they are only lashing out because they wish they could be part of something so magical. EXPELIARMUS!
10. If you are in a bad mood and want to spread it around, this is the best thing to say to someone. "Death is a doctor's office and life is just the long dull time in the waiting room." How do I know this? because last year this bitch at work was in a foul mood and hit me with this one....bummed me out, good thing I got stoned and laid that night.
Until next time.
1. If I am pulling out of a parking spot and you are walking your lame ass family directly behind me, even though i would never really do it, trust me, I am thinking about killing you, even your children.
2. The more I see stickers that say things like "Hustler Hardcore since 74" or "Born To Fuck". Do guys really think this makes them like edgy or more attractive to the opposite sex?! By putting these things on their cars, jackets,lunch pails, all it says is, hey I like to cum. And who doesn't!? Hustler shirts and stickers, Bro, you're not a hustler!?! You don't wheel and deal and make any woman do whatever you want. YOu live in your parents house and you work at an independent record store that's about to go out of business. And while I'm on stickers, I want you to know this. The great cartoonist Bill Watterson never intended his flagship character Calvin to piss on anything. This is a gross exaggeration of the mischieviousness of the character and it angers me to no end that it's a standard for american badass motors. if i ever find the prick responsible for that I will shove his car up his asspipe and steal his fortune that he doesn't deserve.
3. Everyone in Huntington Beach, California is blonde and tanned. There is no exception. And the older someone is, the more their skin looks like a leather saddle left out in the sun.
4. Unfortunatley the more attractive a girl dresses, the more likely it is that she will be a bitch upon approach.
5. Girls...STOP BRINGING THE FAT FRIEND! We understand that it's strictly there to make you look even better than you really do. It's clever and a touch of genius, but you play so fucking stupid,like you have no idea that your best friend Claire is 5 foot 10 and goes 450 lbs. and then what do you do?! you put her portly ass off on our best friend who has to act as a wingman and talk to this human fucking donut. I am not going to be kind or PC about this. In my opinion and this can be backed up by million of my peers. Fat is ugly. A little weight is ok, being slightly overweight, hey we all lose steam sometimes, but being outrightly obese and trying to squeeze into leather pants and a halter top is a fucking disgrace. So do two things, A: Get your ass to the gym, and B: if you have that perfect skinny bottle blonde friend, who always seems to wear something that gives her cleavage, and about a pound of makeup and lip gloss, Realize that friend is using your fat ass and beat her pretty face to pieces. All of us men will in fact raise a turkey leg in your honor.
6. Guys, stop blasting your fucking music when you pull into a mall or a movie theater. It's just too much damn Tupac, 50 cent, biggie, or AC/DC. We all love music and we are impressed by your sound systems, and if your on a long trip to Vegas or something on the freeway then by all means rock and rap on, but here in the city, please keep it down. We are trying to make fun of you and we can't hear what we're saying over you playing Snoop Dogg's Beautiful at top decibel.
7. Red Bull does not keep you up. It's clever marketing and zingy taste convince your brain that it will bring you energy. See (Placebo)
8. I've started to talk to guys who regularly get manicures with a certain foul tasting oil so they won't bite their nails anymore. This is a great idea and I should probably start doing it my damn self.
9. Anyone who makes fun of you for reading a Harry Potter book and knowing a great many details has no idea what they are missing. And they are only lashing out because they wish they could be part of something so magical. EXPELIARMUS!
10. If you are in a bad mood and want to spread it around, this is the best thing to say to someone. "Death is a doctor's office and life is just the long dull time in the waiting room." How do I know this? because last year this bitch at work was in a foul mood and hit me with this one....bummed me out, good thing I got stoned and laid that night.
Until next time.