(no subject)
...and now I cannot sleep. After I wrote my last entry, I got a phone call from a good friend- a friend whom could very well be included in the last entry I wrote. AND after speaking with her for 10 minutes, I just lost it and started to cry. I am not sure what caused me to just berak down like that, because it really does take a lot for me to bear my soul, and my feelings like that. Talking about and writing about it is one thing, but to really just break down from pure emotional exhaustion in tears is another thing. I said a few things that surprised me. Things I didn't realize I was feeling. I said something to the effect that I don't feel like I can be who I really am anymore with my friends much less anyone else. I can't express what I truly feel to them, and that is a huge thing for me. I feel like I go day in and day out not really being me. Not expressing how I feel. A simple 'how are you' can often times be one of those questions you'd rather never hear again. Am I lying to myself when I say I am doing well...better then I have been in years. Why did I say that? I mean it really doesn't feel 'much better'-this life I am living now. I am some lost soul roaming from day to day...living, but not really living.
Then after that I had a friend send me an MP3 of the song 'I'll Stand By You' which was very sweet. However, to hear her say to me just 30 minutes later that she knows we aren't as close as we used to be, but we're still friends. That hurt. It didn't hurt because it is the truth, but to hear her admit to it too. It kind of put some sort of reality to it...like yeah this is how it really is, now that we've both said it. It just upset me, and I got teary once again.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me, and why everything is bothering me so much. Maybe caquse its all happening at once.
I need sleep...I work at 10am. I've just laid here in bed with my mind flying...thought after thought, yet I can't complete one of those thoughts. My mind needs to slow down...so I self-medicated. The only way I know how to cope when things get too overwhelming...its the American way.
Then after that I had a friend send me an MP3 of the song 'I'll Stand By You' which was very sweet. However, to hear her say to me just 30 minutes later that she knows we aren't as close as we used to be, but we're still friends. That hurt. It didn't hurt because it is the truth, but to hear her admit to it too. It kind of put some sort of reality to it...like yeah this is how it really is, now that we've both said it. It just upset me, and I got teary once again.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me, and why everything is bothering me so much. Maybe caquse its all happening at once.
I need sleep...I work at 10am. I've just laid here in bed with my mind flying...thought after thought, yet I can't complete one of those thoughts. My mind needs to slow down...so I self-medicated. The only way I know how to cope when things get too overwhelming...its the American way.