This is just a ramble, nothing coherent here.
For the rest of this post, there will be nothing here that will have any sort of relevance or meaning except maybe to me at the moment and only at this moment. I'm going to let my brain wander and type what ever comes to mind so that maybe I can focus on other things later. So move along if you don't want to either get confused or start asking questions that really have no meaning.
I'm sitting here at my computer staring at this screen wondering why I decided to do this. Well... my penmanship is awful and I wouldn't be able to read what i wrote later and I type faster than I write. Why on something that's posted to the net? Because this way I can't loose it. It's not like there's a lot of people reading this. I've also turned off the friend notification so it's not going to anyone's pages. The only way this will be seen is if for some reason you came by to actually look at my journal. The little part of me that want's to be noticed is happy. The rest of me is wondering what kind of idiot I'm being. I feel isolated sometimes. When your by yourself with no car, it happens. I'm horrible at social media. I'm the lurker. I'll watch the conversations and not jump in. Ah Oingo-boingo song "Outside looking in". 80's girl, that's me. I seem to identify with songs. A lot of them by Billy Joel but sometimes I come across others. "I go to Extremes" comes to mind the most. Growing up I wanted to be a singer. I wanted to be on stage, in costumes, singing. I was also lazy growing up. Things came easy to me and when they started to get hard, i didn't want to do them any more. I took the path of least resistance. Growing up in a broken home, I didn't want to be around fights. I hate it when people get upset. I still like to sing, but I've noticed I get super nervous when I do solos. I know part of it is because I want...no that's to tame. I NEED to be perfect. What I sings needs to be perfect so that people will like me, praise me, tell me I'm doing something good, that they liked what I sang that it was enjoyed. I focus on that so much that one perceived mistake and I screw up. It doesn't matter that everyone still enjoyed the song, I knew I screwed up and it's hard to accept the praise after that. It's funny, In a group, if I were to be singing my part alone against someone else like a duet or trio, I don't have that problem, I'm working with someone else to make it work. but me alone and it's all my fault. I guess it's lucky I never tried to get paid for my singing, then.
Of course that's another issue, what would I charge for that. How do you charge for something that you just do? Same with crafts. I like to make things. What do you charge for that. What's not too much and what's too little? How do you charge for knowledge? Hubby is IT. Family has been known to ask for computer help. We have literally built computers and given them away to others who need them. How do you charge for you time to someone who say they can't afford something and integral like a computer? But then a few days later you hear them brag about how they got this thing or that thing when out of the goodness of your heart you donated something to them.
I'm laid off, going back to school, Online, for a bachellor's in computer Animation. I was told that unemployment would be covered if I was going back to school, but only if the school had a physical building to take tests in. My school doesn't count. So no unemployment while in school. I was told that there is something that could help with housepayments if family income was reduced through no fault of the people, but because I should be getting unemployment but will not draw it because I'm going to an Online school that isn't covered by it but DOL will not say that's why I'm not drawing it but because I don't have a car to get to work, there is no help for hour mortgage. Our mortgage is through a bank that doesn't not list our house with Fanny mae or Freddy mac so HARP is out as well. We are still considered under water with what we owe that No lender will refinance our house at a lower payment.
I've been reading things about the Law of attraction and have come across the book "The Secret". Sometimes it's very hard to list what you do have and should be greatfull for when the negative slaps you in the face so many times. But I'll try that here.
Hubby has a job that pays as much as what we used to make together when we got the mortgage in the first place. So it's not like we haven't been there before. Hubby also supports me for going back to school and learning something that has intrigued me for a as long as singing has, it was just a path that wasn't opened yet because the technology hadn't caught up by the time I was out of high school. I was interested in computers since second grade, when Tron first came out. The Synth music and the laser light during the transition scene, up on a big screen. Almost as good as the Death Star run in Starwars. And the sci-fi nut comes out. Geek to the core. If only I still had my Starwars figures. Of course they would be as lost as all my Next-Gen figures are so... I really need to clean this house. Pack rat syndrome. I keep everything and am afraid to throw anything out for fear I'll need it later. And the worst of it is that it has happened. Which of course makes it worse when it's time to clean again. I told someone once that what they need to do is to blindfold me, give me a shovel, put me in a corner and tell me to start shoveling. That way I can't see what I'm throwing away. I'm getting a bit better though. I am starting to throw out the out of date computer parts.
Some of this stuff I'd hope to have for my kids. Good excuse isn't it? But I put it off too long. For the longest time, I joked about not having kids because I didn't want to share my toys. Now I can't have kids, and now I want to share. But I still don't think I would have been a good mother. I want to be a good aunt. I want' to spoil him rotten then send him back to his parents. I wonder if it's my fault that I couldn't have kids? Growing up, I thought I never wanted kids. I mean, look what I went through growing up. I guess I didn't want kids until I was someplace stable. The times I got pregnant, part of me was scared what would happen once they were born. but I never got that far. Rune was the closest and with him I still wonder about the "what If's". Every pregnancy, I prayed that if it were positive, that the baby would live. After the fourth, I gave up. I'm over 40 anyway, too old. And sometimes I feel like a let down to my husband. He is so good with kids. He had siblings and a big family. So I wonder if it's my fault sometimes.
So questions. Biggest being, how to turn the negatives into positives. Happy thoughts. Fun times at Sci-Fi conventions or Anime conventions usually help. Memories. I got to see Deforest Kelly at my first ever Star Trek convention when I went with my college choir to sing at Carnegie Hall for Thanksgiving. We did Mozart's "Requiem". The convention was in our hotel. I was on cloud nine. I was in New York. I saw the Trade Towers before they fell. I had my picture taken in front of Hard Rock Cafe. I went to the Met. Got lost in Little Italy. Went to the Modern Museum of art and to this day the only exhibit I remember and even liked was the one that was called "Lipstick on a Caterpillar mover". That was a good memory.
I got to meet John DeLancie. In person. Of course at the time I was a very moody young adult with emotions going haywire because my keys were locked in the dealers room and I couldn't get them until the next morning. Thank God for friends. My favorite Next Gen character was and always will be Q. You know, god like powers over space and time? Other conventions, I got to see Leonard Nimoy at one and Brent Spiner at another. Also got to talk with author Peter David. I liked him. Didn't hurt he wrote one of my favorite Next Gen books, Q-In-Law, either. Up until recently, well last 10 years or so, it's mostly been Star Trek conventions, but they've almost died out. And even though I'm near by, I don't think I'll ever go to another DragonCon unless there is an ultimate actor or author that I just HAVE to see and I really don't see that happening. So my husband has gotten me into another sci-fi show, Doctor Who. So we went to TimeGate. That's listed in another post so not going to rehash it accept to say, I got to meet Michelle Gomez and Katy Manning.
Good. ending on good thoughts. Ramble done. For now. I know I'll do this again, and I'll probably say alot of the same things. I know I haven't even touched on things I was thinking about earlier. But if this will help me start thinking positively by getting past the negative, then be warned this could happen again. And if you've read this far...
WHY?
I'm sitting here at my computer staring at this screen wondering why I decided to do this. Well... my penmanship is awful and I wouldn't be able to read what i wrote later and I type faster than I write. Why on something that's posted to the net? Because this way I can't loose it. It's not like there's a lot of people reading this. I've also turned off the friend notification so it's not going to anyone's pages. The only way this will be seen is if for some reason you came by to actually look at my journal. The little part of me that want's to be noticed is happy. The rest of me is wondering what kind of idiot I'm being. I feel isolated sometimes. When your by yourself with no car, it happens. I'm horrible at social media. I'm the lurker. I'll watch the conversations and not jump in. Ah Oingo-boingo song "Outside looking in". 80's girl, that's me. I seem to identify with songs. A lot of them by Billy Joel but sometimes I come across others. "I go to Extremes" comes to mind the most. Growing up I wanted to be a singer. I wanted to be on stage, in costumes, singing. I was also lazy growing up. Things came easy to me and when they started to get hard, i didn't want to do them any more. I took the path of least resistance. Growing up in a broken home, I didn't want to be around fights. I hate it when people get upset. I still like to sing, but I've noticed I get super nervous when I do solos. I know part of it is because I want...no that's to tame. I NEED to be perfect. What I sings needs to be perfect so that people will like me, praise me, tell me I'm doing something good, that they liked what I sang that it was enjoyed. I focus on that so much that one perceived mistake and I screw up. It doesn't matter that everyone still enjoyed the song, I knew I screwed up and it's hard to accept the praise after that. It's funny, In a group, if I were to be singing my part alone against someone else like a duet or trio, I don't have that problem, I'm working with someone else to make it work. but me alone and it's all my fault. I guess it's lucky I never tried to get paid for my singing, then.
Of course that's another issue, what would I charge for that. How do you charge for something that you just do? Same with crafts. I like to make things. What do you charge for that. What's not too much and what's too little? How do you charge for knowledge? Hubby is IT. Family has been known to ask for computer help. We have literally built computers and given them away to others who need them. How do you charge for you time to someone who say they can't afford something and integral like a computer? But then a few days later you hear them brag about how they got this thing or that thing when out of the goodness of your heart you donated something to them.
I'm laid off, going back to school, Online, for a bachellor's in computer Animation. I was told that unemployment would be covered if I was going back to school, but only if the school had a physical building to take tests in. My school doesn't count. So no unemployment while in school. I was told that there is something that could help with housepayments if family income was reduced through no fault of the people, but because I should be getting unemployment but will not draw it because I'm going to an Online school that isn't covered by it but DOL will not say that's why I'm not drawing it but because I don't have a car to get to work, there is no help for hour mortgage. Our mortgage is through a bank that doesn't not list our house with Fanny mae or Freddy mac so HARP is out as well. We are still considered under water with what we owe that No lender will refinance our house at a lower payment.
I've been reading things about the Law of attraction and have come across the book "The Secret". Sometimes it's very hard to list what you do have and should be greatfull for when the negative slaps you in the face so many times. But I'll try that here.
Hubby has a job that pays as much as what we used to make together when we got the mortgage in the first place. So it's not like we haven't been there before. Hubby also supports me for going back to school and learning something that has intrigued me for a as long as singing has, it was just a path that wasn't opened yet because the technology hadn't caught up by the time I was out of high school. I was interested in computers since second grade, when Tron first came out. The Synth music and the laser light during the transition scene, up on a big screen. Almost as good as the Death Star run in Starwars. And the sci-fi nut comes out. Geek to the core. If only I still had my Starwars figures. Of course they would be as lost as all my Next-Gen figures are so... I really need to clean this house. Pack rat syndrome. I keep everything and am afraid to throw anything out for fear I'll need it later. And the worst of it is that it has happened. Which of course makes it worse when it's time to clean again. I told someone once that what they need to do is to blindfold me, give me a shovel, put me in a corner and tell me to start shoveling. That way I can't see what I'm throwing away. I'm getting a bit better though. I am starting to throw out the out of date computer parts.
Some of this stuff I'd hope to have for my kids. Good excuse isn't it? But I put it off too long. For the longest time, I joked about not having kids because I didn't want to share my toys. Now I can't have kids, and now I want to share. But I still don't think I would have been a good mother. I want to be a good aunt. I want' to spoil him rotten then send him back to his parents. I wonder if it's my fault that I couldn't have kids? Growing up, I thought I never wanted kids. I mean, look what I went through growing up. I guess I didn't want kids until I was someplace stable. The times I got pregnant, part of me was scared what would happen once they were born. but I never got that far. Rune was the closest and with him I still wonder about the "what If's". Every pregnancy, I prayed that if it were positive, that the baby would live. After the fourth, I gave up. I'm over 40 anyway, too old. And sometimes I feel like a let down to my husband. He is so good with kids. He had siblings and a big family. So I wonder if it's my fault sometimes.
So questions. Biggest being, how to turn the negatives into positives. Happy thoughts. Fun times at Sci-Fi conventions or Anime conventions usually help. Memories. I got to see Deforest Kelly at my first ever Star Trek convention when I went with my college choir to sing at Carnegie Hall for Thanksgiving. We did Mozart's "Requiem". The convention was in our hotel. I was on cloud nine. I was in New York. I saw the Trade Towers before they fell. I had my picture taken in front of Hard Rock Cafe. I went to the Met. Got lost in Little Italy. Went to the Modern Museum of art and to this day the only exhibit I remember and even liked was the one that was called "Lipstick on a Caterpillar mover". That was a good memory.
I got to meet John DeLancie. In person. Of course at the time I was a very moody young adult with emotions going haywire because my keys were locked in the dealers room and I couldn't get them until the next morning. Thank God for friends. My favorite Next Gen character was and always will be Q. You know, god like powers over space and time? Other conventions, I got to see Leonard Nimoy at one and Brent Spiner at another. Also got to talk with author Peter David. I liked him. Didn't hurt he wrote one of my favorite Next Gen books, Q-In-Law, either. Up until recently, well last 10 years or so, it's mostly been Star Trek conventions, but they've almost died out. And even though I'm near by, I don't think I'll ever go to another DragonCon unless there is an ultimate actor or author that I just HAVE to see and I really don't see that happening. So my husband has gotten me into another sci-fi show, Doctor Who. So we went to TimeGate. That's listed in another post so not going to rehash it accept to say, I got to meet Michelle Gomez and Katy Manning.
Good. ending on good thoughts. Ramble done. For now. I know I'll do this again, and I'll probably say alot of the same things. I know I haven't even touched on things I was thinking about earlier. But if this will help me start thinking positively by getting past the negative, then be warned this could happen again. And if you've read this far...
WHY?