Relationships.
Have you ever felt like your life was always going into a full circle? Or is it just me?
So when I try to change the outcome by changing how I do things, all I get is a huge stop sign slammed in my face. So I end up just doing the same things over and over again.
And its always with relationships.
I have never honestly and truly had one. I have always been the one pursuing people and always the one broken hearted. Kenny, you know, was the closest thing I had to one bc we were supposed to be "dating" but we never did anything couples do. It was like a friends with benefits deal and thats all I know. After Kenny, I had Dolton and I don't even know what I could call that and then the Jamacian which was almost a one night hookup that last three days, lol.
And then theres Shawn and Mike..........I don't know even know how to go about those.
And people don't believe me when I say that I haven't gone out with anyone. I respond with a "I've never had the opportunity" which is pretty much true. I am not liked by guys and I think my innocense and bc I am so naiive to alot of things either scares them off or intrigues them to only a standing behind the glass effect.
And now I can add another to the list.
His name.........is Josh Clements.
And boy, have I fallen hard and fast for this kid.
If you asked me today, I would do anything for him.
Risk my life for his type of deal.
Now that all may/will change in a few months.
But for right now, hes what I want.
We have only been talking for a few weeks and we were always so close to dating.....but....there is always this lingering thing in the background.
His ex fiance.
He lives with her, deals with her, uses her car, everything is with her.
I was an IDIOT for thinking that I could ever compare to her.
I mean, hes with her all the time.
He would always ask me if I still wanted to be with him, blah blah blah....And I always said yes. BC I DID.
I STILL DO.
But I messed it up......I always do...maybe I didn't mess it up, but it sure looks like I did.
I saw him last Wednesday and I wouldn't let him kiss me goodbye. It was part of our ritual....I would let him hug me, which led to a kiss, and then I would attempt to leave, but I always ended up staying for a few extra minutes and would start kissing again. But that night he was different to me and I told him about my exciting news about school (I'm the lead anchor in our school video!!!!!) and he didn't react like I had hoped he would. I just wasn't feeling it, you know? He got so pissed off at me bc I wouldn't let him do that, that he just drove away. Later that night he called and asked me one last time if I still wanted to be with him and if I did, I sure have a funny way of showing it and that I pretty much better work a little harder at it.
So, the next day, I talked to him and we were fine right......no big deal. His phone kept acting up so he called me from work. He told me to call him if I was going to swing by (which I was and he knew that) and I called him twice before I did. I show up there and he gets pissed off at me bc I didn't call and I know I shouldn't be there bc of the situation with him and the ex. We always met at the place his ex worked bc thats where he had the car. I haven't seen him since that day. I tried calling him a million times to no avail.
Well, he called me on Sunday to tell me that we could never be more than friends bc he worked things out with the ex.
W T H
I feel like such an idiot.....he led me on the believe that he was never going to get back with her and he only wanted to be with me. I do have a spy and she talks to him and he tells her that the whole "I'm back with her" was a coverup and he honestly wants to be with me. I think its bull, but I still keep an open mind about it. If your my friend, why would you pursue me when in the back of your mind, you still want to get back together with someone else?
And to top it all off, I almost saved myself from extra heartache.
To me, sex is a big deal. The action itself isn't, but the emotions that follow it are. You are giving something of yourself to someone that no one else can have. I don't want to sound corny or anything, but its almost like they are chosen and given an honor. That is the closest you can be with someone and I couldn't just give that away to someone.
I was preparing myself to give it to him.
I asked all my friends and even people I haven't talked to in awhile about their own experiences and advice. When I do something, I research it first, just to be sure that I know what I am getting myself into.
But honestly, hes the first person I have thought seriously about doing it with.
Even now I am getting all excited, lol.
He never pressured me to do it. In all honesty, he stopped me before it got to serious. At first, I thought its because he was getting it somewhere else, but the more I was with him, the more I saw it wasn't. He respected me to much for me to just one night give away to him before I was ready. I was always the one pushing it, almost to a point of no return, but he stopped it before it got that way. He even asks my permission before he does anything physical with me.
Even though I haven't talked to him since then, hes been the only thing I can think about, dream about, blah blah. I haven't been even to go to sleep.
Theres alot of stuff that he does that isn't good, so I'm just really really worried about him.
He tells me not to worry, but I have to. I care to much not to worry.
And I am trying to talk to his friend, Brian, but I doubt he will ever call me.
His friend is on my side of alot of things and has texted me off of joshs phone when he was really worried about him one day. We both feel the same way about what hes doing and how we can try to help him so hopefully we can keep in contact to help.
But relationships suck you know that? Why can't it be so simple.....Why can't two people who honestly and truly care for eachother just get together and not deal with all of the flippin drama?
I really do want to be with him though.....I guess we shall see how things turn out, huh?
So when I try to change the outcome by changing how I do things, all I get is a huge stop sign slammed in my face. So I end up just doing the same things over and over again.
And its always with relationships.
I have never honestly and truly had one. I have always been the one pursuing people and always the one broken hearted. Kenny, you know, was the closest thing I had to one bc we were supposed to be "dating" but we never did anything couples do. It was like a friends with benefits deal and thats all I know. After Kenny, I had Dolton and I don't even know what I could call that and then the Jamacian which was almost a one night hookup that last three days, lol.
And then theres Shawn and Mike..........I don't know even know how to go about those.
And people don't believe me when I say that I haven't gone out with anyone. I respond with a "I've never had the opportunity" which is pretty much true. I am not liked by guys and I think my innocense and bc I am so naiive to alot of things either scares them off or intrigues them to only a standing behind the glass effect.
And now I can add another to the list.
His name.........is Josh Clements.
And boy, have I fallen hard and fast for this kid.
If you asked me today, I would do anything for him.
Risk my life for his type of deal.
Now that all may/will change in a few months.
But for right now, hes what I want.
We have only been talking for a few weeks and we were always so close to dating.....but....there is always this lingering thing in the background.
His ex fiance.
He lives with her, deals with her, uses her car, everything is with her.
I was an IDIOT for thinking that I could ever compare to her.
I mean, hes with her all the time.
He would always ask me if I still wanted to be with him, blah blah blah....And I always said yes. BC I DID.
I STILL DO.
But I messed it up......I always do...maybe I didn't mess it up, but it sure looks like I did.
I saw him last Wednesday and I wouldn't let him kiss me goodbye. It was part of our ritual....I would let him hug me, which led to a kiss, and then I would attempt to leave, but I always ended up staying for a few extra minutes and would start kissing again. But that night he was different to me and I told him about my exciting news about school (I'm the lead anchor in our school video!!!!!) and he didn't react like I had hoped he would. I just wasn't feeling it, you know? He got so pissed off at me bc I wouldn't let him do that, that he just drove away. Later that night he called and asked me one last time if I still wanted to be with him and if I did, I sure have a funny way of showing it and that I pretty much better work a little harder at it.
So, the next day, I talked to him and we were fine right......no big deal. His phone kept acting up so he called me from work. He told me to call him if I was going to swing by (which I was and he knew that) and I called him twice before I did. I show up there and he gets pissed off at me bc I didn't call and I know I shouldn't be there bc of the situation with him and the ex. We always met at the place his ex worked bc thats where he had the car. I haven't seen him since that day. I tried calling him a million times to no avail.
Well, he called me on Sunday to tell me that we could never be more than friends bc he worked things out with the ex.
W T H
I feel like such an idiot.....he led me on the believe that he was never going to get back with her and he only wanted to be with me. I do have a spy and she talks to him and he tells her that the whole "I'm back with her" was a coverup and he honestly wants to be with me. I think its bull, but I still keep an open mind about it. If your my friend, why would you pursue me when in the back of your mind, you still want to get back together with someone else?
And to top it all off, I almost saved myself from extra heartache.
To me, sex is a big deal. The action itself isn't, but the emotions that follow it are. You are giving something of yourself to someone that no one else can have. I don't want to sound corny or anything, but its almost like they are chosen and given an honor. That is the closest you can be with someone and I couldn't just give that away to someone.
I was preparing myself to give it to him.
I asked all my friends and even people I haven't talked to in awhile about their own experiences and advice. When I do something, I research it first, just to be sure that I know what I am getting myself into.
But honestly, hes the first person I have thought seriously about doing it with.
Even now I am getting all excited, lol.
He never pressured me to do it. In all honesty, he stopped me before it got to serious. At first, I thought its because he was getting it somewhere else, but the more I was with him, the more I saw it wasn't. He respected me to much for me to just one night give away to him before I was ready. I was always the one pushing it, almost to a point of no return, but he stopped it before it got that way. He even asks my permission before he does anything physical with me.
Even though I haven't talked to him since then, hes been the only thing I can think about, dream about, blah blah. I haven't been even to go to sleep.
Theres alot of stuff that he does that isn't good, so I'm just really really worried about him.
He tells me not to worry, but I have to. I care to much not to worry.
And I am trying to talk to his friend, Brian, but I doubt he will ever call me.
His friend is on my side of alot of things and has texted me off of joshs phone when he was really worried about him one day. We both feel the same way about what hes doing and how we can try to help him so hopefully we can keep in contact to help.
But relationships suck you know that? Why can't it be so simple.....Why can't two people who honestly and truly care for eachother just get together and not deal with all of the flippin drama?
I really do want to be with him though.....I guess we shall see how things turn out, huh?