Oh...
Once again it's hard to navigate life. I've drank a Rockstar, and thus started the things I need to do. But, I'm out in the world of social media because - because I don't know how to convince my brain to be normal for a few hours. Or maybe because that is the new normal in the world.
So, back to back posts - a friend of mine, transgender, talking about holiday stress and depression and about reaching out. I'm not sure that most of that will be well-received when everyone in society is stressed, and that's the point I made. This month, it's birds of a feather to one degree or another, the entire world goes to shit under the guise of this happy time.
Then another friend who is miserable and has been constantly miserable for a long time, I also use the word "friend" really loosely - she's a person I know. She's judgmental at the best of times, with rigid opinions that aren't well researched, and she got dumped about the same time my life went to shit, I think she was cheated on too, which should make me feel kind of kindred-like toward her, but I don't. Because she's always whining.
These "reach out if you're troubled" posts are kind of problematic. I would add in, "reach out if you're troubled and actually want to be better and take other's advice and comfort instead of gloriously steeping in your own misery because it gets you a lot of attention!"
I'm miserable, it's December, and no amount of pretending not to be is going to change that inner world of mine. I face too many bad memories, and it goes against every grain of who I am. My trans friend gets it, and to be honest, I think most people are at least somehow aware - that the mighty Consumer God is not the loving kind and that is who is being worshiped, not Jesus, or kindness, despite the kind of help people put out at this time of year.
Yet, the kind of post that my trans friend put out from the bottom of her heart, out of kindness and concern, is the kind that gives license to the other one, who has not stopped whining over the last 2 years and nothing can console her, I think because she doesn't want to be consoled. I'm a lot more of a fan of private misery or taking the advice of the people around me - a lot of it is good. I'm also at a loss for what to do for anyone else. My eldest is also crying out for help and I haven't got a clue what to do, I know the pieces of why, but I also know that until he dumps his ego, he's not going to get over it and telling him that - would not be productive while he's still ego-driven. Catch 22.
My today's problem is focus. Surprise surprise - the thing I have not had in over 2 years. The thing that I used to be able to manage when my world had a solid foundation. My word appears to have a solid foundation now, but I don't trust that anymore and probably never will. Even if it's not at the forefront of my brain, which it often is, it's on a back burner bubbling over and I can feel the heat and the splatter from it in everything I do. I'm not complaining, I'm procrastinating, to be perfectly honest.
So, I'm going to stop now and I'm going to go pee because I've been holding it for too long while I find every way imaginable to not do what I need to do. Then I'm going to do it, and I'm going to say, "that wasn't so bad" - but in a mind intent on finding engaging stimulation, in having to be steeped in "that was awesome" the idea of "not torturous" isn't exactly a consolation.
Bye for now. I have no point, none whatsoever - except, December sucks.