Crawling Back to You.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Tsubasa: RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE, it only belongs to CLAMP. I also do not own 'Crawling Back to You' which belongs to the band Daughtry.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: So, this is the first fanfic I have written in over a year and for the most part, I think I'm happy with the result. I apologize if there are grammatical, spelling or any kinds of errors like that. I hope you enjoy it! It was fun to write, the song is turning into one of my favorites, and so it was just a 'I have to!' kind of thing. Enjoy!
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Lessons learned and bridges burned to the ground
And it's too late now to put out the fire
Fai knew all too well that he was not being at all fair to Kurogane. He was also being highly unjust to Sakura, Mokona, and 'Syaoran' too because they had nothing to do with the loathing and resentment that he now openly held. Of course, these dark feelings and thought processes were mostly aimed at one man and one man alone. That man being the crimson eyed swordsman they traveled with. Yet, for some unknown reason he just couldn't bring himself to be reasonable to any member of the traveling quintet that he had long since been a part of. The well taught (and well remembered) etiquette was long gone. Even if he held an air of elegance around him still, those sweet manners that he had displayed so well were no longer shown to anyone. The closest, as well as only person he had yet to act compassionate with was Sakura-hime. Yet, that too was just a facade to keep them, all of them, shut out from his shattered heart. The half-mage knew if they brought themselves too close and if he let himself be in a familiar relation with any one person, his entire vision of his plan would be gone. The passionate wishes that he had made since his youth would become transparent and eventually vaporize away like steam from a hot spring.
The somewhat freshly brewed anger that he had forced himself to feel was still raw in his system. He had every intention to make any small problem turn into something large and out of proportion in order to make it more and more difficult to even begin forgiving Kurogane. Perhaps that was why only a few minutes ago when the taller male had taken the self appointed lead of preparing food for everyone that night that it had pinched a sensitive nerve in him. The vampire's patience was a thin line and being treated as if he was lame was not helping out the bitterness that grew in his system. Or perhaps, it was best this way? His patience and temper were already being tested from the sheer alone fact that Fai was refusing to drink . . . again. This was becoming habit and it was more of a bitter amusement for the single-blue eyed male; Kurogane's annoyance and bitter let down from his refusal was far too worth it. That and he was scared of growing attached to him. Yes, he had shut off the friendship but Fai knew he could grow accustomed to this and . . . even if it was just through a liquid substance that had been sacrificed to him; it was danger. It meant connection, connections were simply and honestly lethal trouble in his point of view. No, He couldn' t risk it.
Days of wisfhful longing and slight happiness were long gone. His hatred was now burning and it would continue to burn strong . . . even when it burned through him. They were the exact throughts that had been floating through the fair skinned male's mind as he turned around; away from the others. He ignored the remoarseful gaze that Mokona and Sakura offered from their seats at a table, he ignored Syaoran's gaze upon him and the words being transpired between he and the ninja. No, he kept his single eye shut as he proceeded to headout out of the makeshift apartment. Infinity truly was a dark world, or so he had quickly found out. Death was far from uncommon and in fact it was more probable for someone to die than to live wihile they stayed here. Drugs were dealt everywhere as it was the only escape for many. Gang fights were considered sport and the Mafia ran the entire world and vicinity as if they were blue-blood royalty. Well, in a manner of speaking, they were . . . yet that didn't matter; nothing mattered, nothing should matter. The sound of feet hitting the cement beneath his feet was the only sound that Fai was allowing hismelf to focus on; it was a fahynotizing trick in a way.
It had managed to escape the magician's view point that crimson eyes had never once left his face or his form as he left. Yet, perhaps it was for the best that he hadn't . . . only more spewing of sharp and bitter tones would be unleashed if he had.
Tables turned
And I'm the one who's burning now
* * * * * * * * * * * *
The current time was already quite late in the evening and Fai had just finished speaking with Sakura-hime over the end of their last chess game battle which had been much earlier that afternoon. The doubt and pain was clearly evident in the green eyed girl and Fai felt his heart ache somewhat from seeing her in such a tormented, chaotic state. While he had promised himself to not grow attached ot any of them anymore . . . it still hurt to see Sakura who had once been so bright and energetic in the warm world of Outo Country, become so dismal. Her upset may not have been spoken about aloud but everytime her eyes flickered on the chessboard from the players . . . lignering only a few seconds longer upon the brunette haired boy, whom was the original version of her beloved friend and protector. He knew that it was slowly eating her out to have her Syaoran away and instead have this one imitating the exact ways and manners she had grown used to of the other. It would have to be excruciatingly painful for such a fragile (albeit strong) girl to handle; that and her leg was still inable to move, leaving her having to support on the others which she desired not to, much like himself.
Now, blue eyes were closed as he shut the door and he moved into the room that he and the Asian male were meant to share. Of course this was while they visited this heartbroken and far too cruel world. Most of the time, the crimson eyed man was either out getting more alcohol or sleeping/resting in the living area of the building. This held true as Fai quietly creaked open the door to a cold and lonely room. It suited him, and he ignored the shiver that ran up his spine from the memories of Valeria that creeped upon his already filled mind. No, this was not the bottom of a pit; even if it was cold and hateful as one. NO! He was not to think of that, or anything that would make him want to seek another's company. He had to live this way, it was his punnishment and proper way of life. He did not deserve to impose on the others and he had to accept that with no strings attached. Yet, oh how hard that was . . . in fact, it was surely one of the hardest things he had managed to get himself to live with in his entire span of living. This and his brother were the hardest parts of his life so far . . . perhaps Ashura and his insanity in a close third. Why was it harder for him to tear away from these four than the very man who had rescued him from the frozen hell he had once been forced to live in? Why was it so hard to let go of that single thin thread that connected him and the brash man . . . ? It made no logical sense to him and he began to hate it even more; causing the boiling under his skin to come up once again.
Slowly, he ignored the quiet sound of said man entering the apartment. Again, the sounds of bags alerting him that indeed he had went out to buy more alcohol. Of course it was for him, Mokona and occasionally Syaoran to consume. It almost made him want to laugh bitterly to think that at one point of time he would have dashed right out to steal a bottle and nurse it like a baby to milk. Yet, he no longer held the strong urge and craving to drink of the addictive and bitter substances. No, he longed for something else and he was denying himself that as well. Doing his best to ignore the hollow feeling that could be felt in his gut. Leaning back onto the dingy bed, he didn't bother removing any clothes, shoes or anything, simply raising a slender arm to conceal the top of his head and eye, allowing it to close. Yet, almost instantly flashes of the man he was avoiding popped in . . . fond memories that stung his heart coming through in his mind. The tan skin that was taut and warm, the crimson eyes that read him like an open book, the dark raven hair . . . the blood that was freely offered to him . . . the sweet taste it had despite the inital thought of bitterness.
Well I'm doing all right till I close my eyes
And then I see your face and it's no surprise
He only half realized the tingling, nauseated feeling in his mouth and throat. The sheer, simple lust for the substance he desperately needed. No, Fai didn't realize his hand was clenched or that his eye had changed from blue to gold; bright, catlike and glowing. He didn't feel himself tense and twitch, just the scent of the other in general intoxicating him to the point of pure aphrodisia. Fai slowly turned on his side, eye fixated on the door, the twitching becoming more and more frequent. After several minutes had passed, he felt himself sit up, and walk to the door, zoned out. The scent, the taste, all of it was embedded in his mind and oh, how he wanted it. He wanted every damned drop of it. He paused at the door, slowly grabbing onto the handle and opening it up. There he saw the man of his thoughts staring straight at him. Crimson eyes bore into him, and Fai later swore he had been reading every single thought that swarmed in his mind.
Not one word was spoken between the two as gold locked on red. The now roused vampire watched as the tanned male slipped his large but strong hand into his pocket. He reached in his pocket only to grasp onto a blade. Souh,i was in the other room being kept inside of the white manjuu-bun and he was not in the mood to go and grab it. Besdies, from what could be gathered upon the mage's appearance . . . he wouldn't last long without the blood. He had seen it being displayed earlier when they were all out upon the battlefield; what this world called a 'chess board'. They had been focussed upon their goal of winning for the desert princess, yes however Fai's reflexes had been slower, less accurate than normal. While they had been beyond well placed, they were still not in the usual form that the idiot worked with; now he knew the reason why even if he had suspected it beforehand.
The knife cut into the tanned flesh, forming a heavy flowing pooling dark red spring. Of course, the site of the blood only increased the glow of Fai's eyes. Quiet, almost soundless footsteps and in a mere manner of two seconds the distance was closed. The light blonde haired adult had finally grasped two pale hands around the single strong arm to bring it to his soft lips. Kurogane would refuse to admit that the feeling was addictive in it's own way for him too. No, it wasn't about him but about the damned bastard who caused trouble for them all; the same one that he couldn't let go. Fai already knew he was drunk off of the simple scent and taste that he had. Lightly, his tongue cleared away the run off trails of the sweet nectar that kept him alive . . . the very thing that caused him to hate and loathe his existence even more. Yet the taste overpowered the will to not give in . . . just as he remembered Kurogane warning him before. Damn him. Damn himself too.
Just like that I'm crawling back to you
Just like you said I would, yeah
Quite some time had passed since Fai had begun feeding from the ninja's blood. The feeling of a warm and tan colored hand pulling him back from the bleeding injury shot the vampiric mage to reality. Instantly, horror coming at him from realization of what he had just done and had been doing. Confusion, remorse, panic and a few other unnamed emotions swarmed inside of Fai's mind as everything came into focus for him. How did he let his guard down oh so easily? What was it about the swordsman that caused this? This was not what he had wanted or planned . . . he had been doing so well too and it had all fallen apart; again. No surprise, he was pathetic as well as weak. He felt the red eyed on him still, though they were half-mast and tired from the fact Fai had taken so much blood from lack of drinking before.
"Better?" Was the grunt that Fai heard, and quietly, Fai looked away, trying to bite away the urge to yell at the other. He was embarrassed; beyond embarrassed to the point of self-hatred. The other was doing so much for him and he was angry that he was letting himself get hurt for his useless sake. A quiet nod of his head was the only resposne he offered before he spoke something intelligible. Giving the other a blank and unreadable gaze after he had done so. It softened for a few moments to try and communicate some real message of thanks before it once again flashed back to his usual blank gaze. With that said and done the now once again blue eyed Celesian headed on back to 'their' room.
I swallow my pride, now I'm crawling back to you
Yeah, I'm out of my head, can't wait any longer
Three weeks and he had been able to resist strong temptation, what on earth had caused him to give in to that damned necessity? It shouldn't even be one! The scarlet eyed male was only becoming more and more of a temptation as the days went by. Yes, he had known he would be ever since they had left Outo Country. Even more so when they had left Yama Country and the closeness he had felt with him there, despite the lack of communication. He shut the door behind him, finding the click to be his very own safety net before sliding down the black metal. Why was he so weak? . . . He was trying to protect something from him and his own selfish desires. Greed somehow was brimming over the top like a glass filled with too much water. Soon, if something else, anything else was added or if someone pressed against the bubbled top . . . everything would spill out.
I'm down on my knees, I thought I was stronger
Just like that like you said I'd do
Yeah, I'm crawling back to you
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The idea that Sakura was gone was still hard for the mage to bear with. Of course, she hadn't been exactly 'with' them since Infinity World due to the sepparation of her soul and spirit. However that did not change the emptiness that each and every one of them felt from the sweet girl's absence. The light auburn haired girl had been a light in each of their lives and had helped them in so many ways . . . that and she was what had brought them all together in the first place. Her warm heart, kind green eyes; they were gone. Without Sakura-hime's existence; even her cloned self, there would have been no reason at all for Syaoran, The Cloned Syaoran, Mokona, Kurogane or Fa himself to gather together under Yuuko's guidance. They would have never even known of each other's existence. The friendships and life lessons would have never been taught and learned. All would have been as it had and not for the better at all.
While the vampire, once mage let his mind wander onto these things, he gazed up at the pale moon that shone here in the world of Nihon. This was the world where Kurogane had been born; had been raised for all his life. It felt almost taboo for him to be here, afraid to contaminate the place with his presence. Yet somehow, he couldn't even regret appearing here and was alerady eternally thankful that they had. The now golden eyed male knew that they would have never made it out a live from the crumbling world of Celes it it wasn't for the wish to arrive in Nihon. This had been the wish that the Princess Tomoyo had offered up to the Dimensional Witch. Her kindness radiated throughout and Fai felt so dim next to her; almost unsure of how to act around the dark haired hime. In a way he felt envious, she was the reason that kept Kurogane so bold, so strong and had always been the centre of his mind when they voyaged through the dimensions of time and space. Yet, he was eternally grateful for her . . . she had saved him and her words had not once been harsh or judgmental towards him. Instead, they were soft and understanding when she had spoken to him in the courtyard that afternoon.
Shaking his head and ignoring the tickle of his ponytail brushing against his soft and pale skin, Fai turned around. He was now heading back across the water, crossing stones and only lightly getting the edges of the cotton furisode damp. HIs head shifted from the sky towards the ground as he listened to the quiet shuffling sounds that the clothing made as he left. On his way back to the main castle and to the room that he was to stay in while they rested and recooperated here in NIhon, that was his new set plan. It was right next to the crimson eyed male's room. He knew it had been planned that way as well as set up due to his panic and extreme worry over the other when they first arrived here. The memories of the other's bloodied and injured form from cutting off his arm. Really . . . how could the other do that for him? It was too much . . . far too much. It had shattered him to see him in that state.
Lightly, the blonde raised a lithe hand to his eyepatch, delicate fingers touching the black material before slinking back to his side. Sighing, he crossed the grass and flowers that were outside of the rooms. Oh how idiotic, cruel and hateful he had been . . .
Time can heal, but the scars only hide the way you feel
And it's hard to forget how I left you hanging
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"Good Morning, Kurogane." Out came the harsh and bitter words to the ninja. He now sat up from where he had been laid down on cold cement. The turned vampire watched as the swordsman's eyes widened from the chosen words spoken. He could see the pain, shock, confusion and bitter understanding being formed. Yet he kept the pretend smile; the one that was so obviously fake on his lips. It was his only method (in his mind) that he could ever get this situation to work with him traveling from now on, with the others that is. This had to be the only way; right?
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WRONG. Oh how wrong had he been . . . he had only caused more pain for them both; as well as others. Now that he thought about it over again, playing back each and every minute that had passed since he had lost his eye till now, he realized how selfish and cruel he was. How could the ninja ever forgive him for the actions and words he had sent out to him? Even Fai was having difficulty in finding himself to be worth the trouble. Why hadn't Kurogane hit him, told him off . . . anything, anything? Why did he not hate him? He should . . . oh how he should for the bitter treatment and the impatience displayed by his actions.
Stepping into the castle's grounds, Fai wondered how he was able to get such blessings when his entire life had been written up as tragedy. A child of misfortune that was worth nothing and didn't mean anything . . . why was that changed suddenly? Why was the Japanese man determined to change all of it for his sake? He wasn't worth the trouble, he wasn't worth a second thought and he never would be.
Holding by a thread, when everything is said
I regret it
Oh how he wished he could turn back the hands of time; not quite literally but he wished he could have that single moment back. The moment when he had decided to block the other out. His heart began to feel heavy and ache and hexould feel tears trying to form in the corners of his eye. He owed so much to Kurogane . . . he owed everything to him; his life, his happiness, his . . . everything. It was true, and he knew that somehow . . . the other male was the only reason for his life's purpose, him and the others. All of them had somehow transformed him and no, not the vampire transformation even if that had changed him too. No, it was the transformation from someone scared silly to face a problem and a promise to someone. He was now someone who desired to live, to see more of these precious days out . . .
Yes, he had been living a life and living decently before he had ever met any of the others but that kind of life was absolute nothing compared to the immaculate warmth and emotion he was now being given. In fact, he was now expressiong it in return to them. He wanted to be with the others and he knew that wherever they ended up, he would soon follow . . . he would always follow them from now on. He would to the end of his days. They were his world now; not Celes, not Valeria; those five (or six) were his home . . . especially the stubborn man who saved him in every way possible.
The Valerian male came to a halt in front of the sliding door, seeing the figure of Tomoyo-hime retreating down the hall. He vaguely wondered what had been going on but said nothing and questioned nothing as he slid the door open. Gazing into the room, he could see crimson eyes turned down and staring at a sword; one he had seen only once before at the very beginning of their journey. The ninja didn't say anything as Fai shut the door behind him, and still said nothing as he quietly pitter pattered in a slow stride over to where he sat.
Yeah I was doin' all right, thought I could make it
Then I see your face and it's hard to fake it
There was countless emotion upon Kurogane's face, Fai noted and he felt his golden eye lower some as he stared at him. How did this always happen? It was almost a guaranteed reaction now. How was it that each and every time, Fai ended up coming back? No matter what it was . . . he always found his way back to him; to Kurogane. It was some inivisble force that drew him near, and Fai began to understand the phrase that Yuuko had spoken to them countless times: hitsuzen . . .
"Kuro-sama?" He finally braved, clearing his throat to speak up to the other male. Soon he let his gaze fixate itself on on the thoughtful seeming man. There was no immediate answer as crimson eyes flickered up, hand withdrawing from the weapon and resting in his lap. "Hm?" Was the only response he received at first. This alone caused Fai to smile and shake his head slightly, bangs tickling the high cheekbones he had been born with.
Just like that I'm crawling back to you
Just like you said I would, yeah
I swallow my pride, now I'm crawling back to you
Yeah, I'm out of my head, can't wait any longer
After a few moments of pause, Fai finally swallowed the miniature lump which had formed in his throat at some point, ignoring the dryness and slight nervous feelings that came over him, speaking."Why . . . did you save me anyway?" The once-magician's voice was quiet and not demanding, only requesting for knowledge behind the reasons and motivations of the other. He knew that if he had to wait any longer for an answer he would go crazy . . . but he knew that he would not force the other to answer either. He wouldn't dare cause more trouble for the other than he already had.
Several minutes passed, and the moon rose higher in the sky, illuminating the room and casting a glow upon both men's forms. Fai ws just about to think that the other male would not even bother to answer the question when he heard a familiar phrase being used for him; one that now held all the endearment in the world and one that he would not trade for anything that the worlds could offer up to him.
"Idiot." Was the quiet and almost grunted out response before he felt crimson eyes stare directly into his. "I saved you because of that." He spoke, voice as deep and rough as it had always been . . . yet an air of honest kindness was intertwined with the usual brash wording. Fai knew that he wouldn't have wante his answer in any other way. His form now started lightly trembling as he looked down at the floor, falling to his knees and gripping at the taller male's darkm nearly black yukata. A laugh formed on the vampire's lips but it turned into a partial sob as tears slid down pale colored cheeks.
I'm down on my knees, I thought I was stronger
Just like that like you said I'd do
Yeah, I'm crawling back to you
What Fai had not been expecting though was the hand that reached up and gently threaded fingers into his pale blonde locks, slowly gripping onto his head and bringing him close into the warrior's arms. This action alone caused his golden eye to widen, his cheeks burning from the warmth that he now found there. It was beyond comforting and beyond desired; yet it only added onto the pain of realizing how stupid he had been; he was an idiot, just as Kurogane stated. He was the biggest idiot in the entire unvierse, or so it would seem to the slender male's view. Instead, he gripped tighter to the dark material and hid his face into the other's clothes. Why did the other have to be so kind? Why did he have to . . . forgive him? It wasn't fair for him to feel this way, it wasn't fair to be this . . .
"I also saved you, because it was what I wanted." Spoke the tall, tanned male once more as he lightly ran his fingers through cornsilk colored locks that were the shade of sunlight. This immediately grabbed Fai's attention. He looked up once more at the taller man, confused and startled to say the least. It increased the rouge color upon snow colored facial features and it only caused said tanned male to smirk. Of course, it was expected of Fai to be startled . . . no one really had wanted him before; or at least for unknown reasons. Ashura had wanted him to be a tool to save his country, Fai didn't really count, and the others cared for him as a friend . . . yet this sounded . . . and held such a different air to it. Yet oh how it only added on to his regret.
Gazing into the red eyes he had grown to love and admire, Fai spoke with his confusion. "What do you mean?" His confusion shone clear, and it only caused what closely resembled a chuckle to escape from the ninja's lips.
If you could find a way to forgive everything, I know you would
And I would take it all back if only I knew that I could
"You really are an idiot." Commented the crimson eyed male, closing his eyes and shaking his head, seeming partially frustrated and partially amused by the blonde's response to his words. Yet, he did not hold remorse, anger or annoyance. In fact, it only caused endearment and it was clearly reciprocated as he raised his remaining, good arm to cup the other male's cheek. He felt the heat radiate off of Fai's face, and gently stroked his thumb back and forth over the blushing adult's cheek. He refused to be charming in his manners, as it was completely unlike him and instead he cleared his throat. "Think, mage."
Fai paused, looking down, feeling comfort flutter in his chest from the return to nicknames, yet he felt something else there, something foregn. It was warn, and desirious and the vampire soon knew that it was wanted. Whatever this emotion was that was steadily blooming . . . yet he was beginning to understand just what it was. Realization struck Fai head on, and hope filled his amber iris as he looked up to the other, parting his lips to speak, only to find them covered. Shock resonated in his system for a whole ten seconds before he slowly allowed his eyes to close to return the chaste and gentle kiss.
Lessons learned and bridges burned to the ground
And it's too late now to put out the fire
Slowly, Fai wrapped his arms around his true savior's neck, adding his emotions, his apologies and everything he had wanted to communicate to the other for the last few days, weeks, as well as months. Somehow, he had manaaged to fall in love with this man without even realizing it. He let him in without realizing it . . . and now he welcomed him into his slowly mending heart. He now understood that no matter what he did or said . . . he would not be able to leave the other. The other was all he wanted . . . and here he was, crawling back to him time and time again; no matter the situation.
And just like that I'm crawling back to you
Just like you said I would, yeah
Swallow my pride, I'm crawling back to you
Yeah, I'm out of my head, can't wait any longer
I'm down on my knees, I thought I was stronger
Just like that like you said I'd do
Yeah, I'm crawling back to you.