Here's an update!
Well...I don't even know the date of the last time I wrote, nor what I wrote. I am hoping to not repeat anything and if I do then oh well! Let's see, well there are only 2 weeks of classes left and then one week of finals! Another year is over and then the summer begins and then my senior year begins! Weird! After this, who knows if I will ever be in school again. So i have finally decided on what I want to do when I get out of college, I want to work at an airport or for an airline something like that, not completely sure but I have the summer to do some research on it, so i still have some more time to think about that.
Last night after watching the movie, "The Wedding Planner" I had an epiphany of sorts, I always seem to have those right after I watch movies, or at night, or in the mornings as soon as I wake up. First of all, this has probably been one of the most difficult years of my entire life where I have cried more than anyone can imagine, been stressed, confused, disappointed and at times have been wanting to jump off the dyke and drown in the water but... it has also been one of the years where i have learned the most about life and about myself. I am starting to understand what my friends mean when they say that I am such a strong person. After all the curves, broken roads, trees in the middle of the road, animals crossing the road, horrible weather and pot holes i have had to conquer on the bumpy, windy road of life so to speak, here I am alive and I guess content would be the word to put here.
Scott and I will always be friends, he will always have a special spot in my heart. Most people want me to hate him and think he is an asshole but I can't look at him that way. I screwed up a long time ago when I felt compelled to do as my parents say and I have learned from that and yes, he did do a dickish thing when he went over to Italy and developed feelings for some girl but one can not help the way they feel and at least he was honest about it. Also, by him telling me that made me realize that this pedestal I put him on, this huge space in my heart and mind that he occupies needs to disappear because I am not that person for him, because if I was, the girl in Italy would have meant NOTHING to him. Don't believe that I wasnt hurt, disappointed and angry with him when he told me this because I was. I was an awful mess for two weeks but now I am fine. Him and I spoke last night about a lot of things, all my questions have been answered, I can honestly say I don't have any more questions that are going through my head and that feels REAL good. I can also sit here and say that the four days he did come to visit me were the best days of my life, I am really glad that him and I "reconnected" so to speak because it restored my faith in love and the right person and all of those things. Sometimes people meet at the wrong times in life and sometimes people do get together for a short time but then end up being the best of friends and I guess for now that is the case with him and I. We are simply just friends, even though he has disappointed me and has made me cry more times in a year than I ever thought possible, he probably is one of my best friends. I can talk to him about anything and not feel ashamed or whatever and he feels the same way about me. This past week, for example, has been HELL for me, I have been stressed out with school, found out one of my favorite teachers died in a car accident and then found out that all my housemates, people that i considered friends, totally trashed my car and find it funny and I don't and neither do other people that know about what happened to my car and HE has been there. He has called and comforted me and even attempted to make me laugh. He has been there to tell me that I will get through these last few weeks of school because I am strong and to keep my chin up and for all of those reasons I could NEVER bring myself to hate him. Out of all the guys I have dated so far in life, he is one that I do not regret, he is also the one that I truly did love with my whole heart and he did treat me the best while we were together and maybe that is the reason why he did come back into my life. I believe that things do happen for a reason and the reason for all of this is that I obviously was in need of a good guy friend, (which he really is) and to restore my faith in love because before he came back into my life I really wasn't quite sure that that was ever going to happen to me, but it did, even if it didn't last, it sure did and now I know what it truly feels like to be in love with someone.